To not want DD to have play-dates or attend parties in certain areas due to safety concerns?

[HourOrTwo]

She is 7. Until now she only has playdates with friends whose parents we know well, but now she has a bigger group of friends. Some of these friends live on local council estates. One of these estates has a particularly bad reputation (drug problems, unemployment, high crime rate). When I drove through it recently I noticed kids playing out in street, groups of youths standing around smoking and drinking, big dogs in studded collars roaming around (no muzzles), rubbish everywhere etc. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it's not the sort of place we want DD playing or walking around.

We're happy for DD's friends to come play at ours, and we want her to socialise with children from social different backgrounds... but recently she's been invited on several play-dates on these estates plus a party. So far I've made excuses, as I don't want her playing out unsupervised and TBH don't like her going to houses unless I know the parents and trust them to keep a close eye on her. Even if I chatted to these mums at school gates and they promise to supervise, I don't want her going to houses where anyone is smoking, drinking or teenage siblings are coming in and out with their mates, or any household with a dangerous dog (there are a lot of pitbulls and rottweilers on the estate), but I can't really ask this.

How do we politely decline these play-dates without offending anyone? Is there a way we can have DD's friends at our house without her going to their houses? And what do I tell DD, without mentioning it's because of the area her friends live?

I understand about the dogs, I don't send my kids where there are pit bulls etc. But everything else, you have to trust people. Have them over first and ask the mums if they want to stay for a coffee?!

'if you don't think i can make a judgement on whether or not it is safe to play in the front street'

But don't you see, when it's not your child it's not your call to decide whether it's safe for them to play in street or not. If parent doesn't want their kid playing in street you respect that. You don't override another parent's decision.

Do you think I let DSD's friends camp at bottom of garden if their parents aren't ok with it? No. I respect the parents have a right to say 'I'm not comfortable with that'. I don't say 'oh but DSD always does that and it's too much hassle to do anything differently'. We adapt instead.

I don't understand why it's too much hassle for your DD to play in house/garden sometimes? Why must she go out on her bike just because other friends knock for her?

The OP is talking about stereotypes, as presented in tabloid newspapers, not real, nuanced, fabulous humans.
I live on a council estate, the one that appears in the opening credits of shameless. I have 2 teenagers, a staffie cross and my best friend became a mother at 15. I've been known to drink a can of lager on the bus. I have a crappy old scratched car and put the bins out in my Pjs.
I also have a PHD, am a member of a professional organization and speak at international conferences. My daughter has been offered a place at a Russell group university, my son has been predicted straight As in his GCSEs. I can comfortably afford my mortgage, the public transport is fabulous here and it's not too far to work. Not that I have to justify living here.
OP, open your mind and your heart, you and your DC might enjoy life a little more.

I've never supervised a playdate in my life. Hello, dear child, have a snack, bog off and go and frolic happily with your mates. Admittedly in the house.

The occasional one would turn up in my office to hassle me, but I tended to redirect them pleasantly elsewhere. At teatime, I fed them a fairly standard 'visitor tea' of pasta with tomato sauce - which I'd usually clear with their parents first, just in passing ("is X fine with pasta and tomato sauce") and on that basis, if they got sniffy about it, either suggest something else if they were politely struggling, or be faintly @rsey if they said loudly "I don't like this".

I bloody loved playdates.

I have been known to offer a glass of wine to collecting parents which they often fell on with a glad cry. But I'm quite posh so obviously it was OK.

I'd like to add that I also used to be very wary of any parents who drove 4x4s, owned ugg boots in multiple colours and wore real Barbour coats. Anyone who used the term "play date" would leave me terrified for the welfare of my own DCs.
But then I realized that these people loved their children too, and now everything is ok.

We have just moved into a council house due to circumstances had a mortgage than got into finance a problems and went into private rented , I then went on the council list and bidded for properties we got our house a few weeks ago Less than a year after going on the council list so far the neighbours have all been friendly ( far friendlier than anywere I gave lived for a long time) my son has made loads of friends and generally its a nice place
e to live .

But don't you see, when it's not your child it's not your call to decide whether it's safe for them to play in street or not. If parent doesn't want their kid playing in street you respect that. You don't override another parent's decision.

Then you would decline the offer stating why ?
Do you supervise in the garden when they play out
Sorry no dd play's in the front street, i check on them now and again, its safe, it's a cul de sac with lots of other kids and their parents checking as well or my dd wouldn't be out there
My dd is not allowed to play in the street unsupervised
Ok that's fine maybe next time when she can play out, dd won't want to stay in the garden (maybe i don't have a garden)

My dd play's in the street, why would she want to play in the garden when every other kid is in the street, she never plays in the garden now so wouldn't want to play in the garden when all her friend's are out front and knocking on her regardless of your dd being there. She's out there now with 11 other kids, i can hear them playing tag

I have invited your dd on a playdate, it's not you saying lucky you here's my dd she can come to your house but she can't play in the street, can only play in the garden with supervision and she only eats organic sprouts, make sure she has that for dinner

Too much hassle, sorry

I don't understand why it's too much hassle for your DD to play in house/garden sometimes? Why must she go out on her bike just because other friends knock for her

Because that's what kids do here, all the neighbour's know each other, are all on friendly terms, the standard after school and weekends is they all have their tea and play in street on bikes, scooter, double dutch, ball game's, pool out in the summer, supervised now and again.

if i invited your dd to my house on the council estate i would say, DD was wondering if DD would like to come for tea, they play out the front (open plan), they don't go out of the front cul de sac but it's safe and i check on them now and again, we will making a picnic tea to share on the front grass, is that ok

No sorry she cant play out unsupervised in the front street

Ok that's fine i will let dd know.

DD your friend can come but you have to play in the back garden and mam will have to watch you.

Its ok mam i will ask XXX instead

Singing... you are basically saying your DD always has her own way on play dates. That the visiting child has to do what your DD wants. That if your DD wants to play out in street with other kids, visiting child must copy her.
Don't you worry this encourages your DD to be very selfish and not consider others feelings? What if child just preferred to play indoors, would you let your DD force her guest outside?

When my DSC have play dates at our house, they ask the other child what they would like to do because this is good manners. If other child wants to play inside, DSC plays inside. Obviously there's some negotiation between them but I'd never let my DSC make visiting child do something they (or parent) weren't happy with.

I still don't see why it's too much 'hassle' for your DD to play indoors with a friend now and then instead of playing out in cul de sac with a group.

When my DSC have play dates in garden I don't stay out there with them or watch them, but I check on them and I'm within earshot. Our dog would alert us to any strangers coming near the property and there's no busy road nearby. They know not to leave the garden. If a mum wasn't happy with them playing in garden I'd be a bit but would bite my tongue and tell them to stay inside. DSD might be a bit miffed if she wanted to play outside but that's irrelevant. She can play outside another day. I'd be mortified if she bossed or dictated to a child on a play date.

Singing, what would you do if your DD's friend was allowed to play in cul de sac but just didn't want to? Some kids don't like playing with big groups of other kids on play dates, especially if they don't know the others. Some might try it but find it too boisterous and want to play indoors on a 1-1 with your DD instead. Would you insist someone else's kid played outside because that's what all the local children do and that's what your DD prefers?

I don't see the harm in kids playing quietly indoors. If my DSC invites a friend on a play date I expect her to put that child first, not insist child joins in games with local friends. I also wouldn't let my DSC invite a friend on a play date then un-invite them if she finds out they can't play outside.

No of course she would come in if they wanted to, where did i say she wouldn't, why would she force someone to stay outside ? That's what your assuming because i said i would tell the parent's a playdat would involve playing out

I said i would tell the parent that the likely scenario is that visiting kid would come and dd would want them to play out with her friend's, if other parent is not happy with this as she doesn't allow child to play out then i wouldn't go ahead with it as i know my dd would rather play in the street. DD would just assume kids play out as she does. I wouldn't let kids arrange playdate's, the parents would so i'm not sure how i would un-invite someone if i hadn't already cleared it with the parents

My dd has never had playdate's never even used the word before this thread as her friend's live within walking distance or the parent's text is it ok for xxx to come for a bit if they live up the private estate, drop them off, the kids then sort out what they want to do between them and do it which is usually playing out in the front street with all the other kids. Iv'e got 3 DC, they have friend's from all sorts of backgrounds at school, they would arrange to go to each other's houses, ask the parents and not once have i had a kid say they don't want to play out or have i had a parent who has told me to keep their child in or asked about the dog or told me what to make them to eat. Never once have i asked what dd's parent's are going to do with her when they have went to their house's, i just give them a number and say text me if there are any problems. Obviously in the winter they play indoors, watch a dvd or play games in the bedroom.

You don't see the harm in kid's playing quietly indoors, i don't see the harm in kids running about playing in the street if that's what they want to do. Where did i say i insist they do anything? Maybe you should read my posts again.

Not sure how you think my dd bosses people about or dictate's what they have to do. DD doesn't arrange playdate's the parent's would, the likely scenario is if they come to mine and the weather is nice they will be playing in the front street with the other kids, if they can't play out then they probably will decline the offer. DD will play out all day everyday if the weather is nice, all my kid's have and tbh most of their friend's have council estate or private as well and most of the private estate kids seem to play down here, probably some of the kids friend's parent's were wary about them coming here, not that anyone said anything that i know of.

Is that not what the whole thread is about, finding out want ops dd will be doing if she goes on a playdate to 'council estate mothers' house, ask her she will probably tell her like i would

Gosh. I must admit I completely assumed if my child went to another's house without me the other parent would be supervising if they were to go outside!! If I had a child here they'd be in the garden (I might be in the kitchen, but I'd be able to hear them) or the house but I'd only let them play outside if I was with them. I completely assumed any other parent would do the same....

This is reallyk helpful for me - its something to check before I start letting her go to others houses. (And there's the other thread where the OP is worried about letting her child go after school to play on the estate... this is exactly what I guess she's worried about (As well as dogs and drugs and other things that only Happen To The Poor obviously)). We live on an estate btw.

Oh that is this thread. Ignore me. I'm getting my threads mixed up. I live on an estate and it worries me that my child would get labelled the way the OP does. (We're well educated, middle class etc etc not that that should matter).

Sounds as if you're researching in order to write a script for some TV cop show. If you're not then I'm not sure I'd like my children going to a house where the Mum is as narrow minded and silly as you seem to be.

I must admit I completely assumed if my child went to another's house without me the other parent would be supervising if they were to go outside!!

at this age yes.