AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

[bracingair]

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

If hospitals want to hand off basic care to relatives though (feeding patients, getting the baby for a feed if the mother is immobilised) then what will happen to the people who don't have any relatives to do this for them? Or they already have a child and their partner can't stay as looking after them?

Was just reading the poster upthread who said the people on the ward considered getting the baby / delivering a meal to the mother to be a partners role.

Surely if you already have a few children, your partner can't stay on the ward helping to look after you and the baby?

As a medic I disagree with relatives being kept away at mealtimes on care of the elderly and stroke wards. Nutrition is important and patients are far more likely to eat and drink if their family are there. Although

I don't have children yet but this would terrify me due to sexual abuse in the past and sleeping next to strange men fills me with dread. I would also be worried that if I said that I was unhappy about this, my needs would not be listened to.

Although not to the point that they are being bullied or forced to eat. In many countries even in Europe families are expected to assist at mealtimes. And if there are patients with nobody to assist them the nursing staff will be more able to help the smaller number. I certainly agree with restricted visiting, particularly early in the day to allow patients be washed, beds changed, medications given and ward rounds completed.

Whirlpool I think they thought he should stay as he'd stayed the previous nights maybe. I'd been bleeding heavily and on bed rest so DH was there 24/7 as they kept saying they'd deliver and then delaying etc and we didn't want him to miss it. Once I'd had the section and on the postnatal ward I sent him home as he'd been with me for days with minimal rest. I think the midwives thought this was odd perhaps but we'd been in ages already

The only problem with long visiting hours, is that if you are really ill, more than very short visits are too tiring. Just listening to someone talk to you, takes energy. My visitors left when they saw I was getting too tired. But one poor elderly woman was surrounded by relatives, and looked exhausted after 20 minutes. They stayed for ages.

I live in a country where everyone going into hospital has a relative or friend attend them round the clock. It even the norm in private hospitals.

Its nice but it can be a tad claustrophobic if you want a bit of alone time however I'd rather have the whole family sleeping in my hospital room than be alone in the world and have no one.

For overnight stays on a general ward it would be a male attendant on the male ward and a female attendant on the female ward. In private hospitals a husband could stay with his wife overnight because you're in your own room, but in a government hospital it would be a female attendant only.

Its works and I like it this way.

It's terrible but the whole experience is appalling. Tbh my partner stayed the second night I was in hospital with my baby as I struggled so much on the first night on my own after losing so much blood ( and ended up having a transfusion.) I don't believe private rooms actually exist!

I'm probably in a minority here ,but I wouldn't have even wanted my own partner to stay. I didn't have a caesarian, wasn't ill, and was quite capable of looking after the baby on my own. It was boring though, he would have hated it and I didn't see any point to it either.

I would have quite happily paid £250 for a private room. At the times told the mw I would pay £1000. I was so sleep deprived!

weebirdie what happens if there is no one to stay with you? There must be some people who are alone, or their family members have work commitments.

FLM, in this part of the world that would be unheard of given the extended family system that operates but should a person ever not have someone with them, say for eg the patient sent them away, the nurses or nurses aid would look after you. But that said, the chances are one of the other patients attendants would insist on taking care of you instead.

How does that get arranged with work and so forth weebirdie?

Presumably less women work?

People would take leave or be given time off on compassionate grounds if they had to but the reality is that there's always someone in the family who can do it.

Presumably less women work?

those in their late 50's yes, but not the younger generations.

We have a highly motivated and extremely well educated female work force here.

It's just a totally different culture isn't it. The problem here is that if the hospitals say that it's up to family to provide care then in reality an awful lot of people won't have anyone to do that for them.

Weebirdie said the men would stay with men as well, morage, so it doesn't sound like it's to do with that.

Just we don't really "do" extended families like that over here, in the main, I guess. Just a different culture.

With retirement age increased, I know very few women in their 50's who are not working. And I know a lot of women this age.

Also I know in some European countries, families do not move about as much as in Britain. A friend in Germany says where she lives, family rarely move far away. Here it is common for people to move away.

It is fine for families to do the caring, but in Britain it would mean a lot of people would have no one to care for them.

Whirlpool - Good point. I wonder if it will continue over the next few generations.
I guess that in that kind of extended family, everyone gets more support from each other.

Whirlpool, every country has its good and bad points and whilst we've got this aspect of life right there are things we still haven't managed yet.

When a person is admitted to a government hospital you get given an attendants card and the family generally sets up a roster of who's going to be attending and when, then when you're on your way home the next person is waiting at the main door to receive the card which is then checked against a security list. You get a nice wee fold down bed and there are toilets just for the attendants even if the patient is in a single room, and you are also given your meals. Neighbours even offer do it for each other. Its just the way it is.

With retirement age increased, I know very few women in their 50's who are not working

People didn't have access to education here until about 40 years ago so we have a young work force, and the women and men who are working into their late 50's were educated abroad and came back to build the country when they were asked to by the new ruler. That would be people like my husband and his sisters.

But no one here works till they're 65 unless they chose to. People generally work for 30 years then retire on pensions or start up their own business to pass the time and keep active.

My state retirement age is 67. I won't be able to afford to retire before then. My father worked till 65 when he got his pension. My mum was able to retire at 60, as women could get their pension then.

I can see it rising as people start to say - we are too young to not be working.

My husband started a second career after he did his 30 years in his first one and 12 years later he's still working and showing no sign of ever wanting to slow down.