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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

568 replies

bracingair · 26/04/2015 12:35

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

OP posts:

fatlazymummy · 27/04/2015 08:42

fecksome hospitals already have ended it, apparently.

Mumzy · 27/04/2015 08:43

You do feel incredibly vulnerable physically and mentally during and post birth. YANBU I've never heard of this being in place when I had ds1 (others were HB) and would have objected strongly.

echt · 27/04/2015 08:45

Ugh. How awful this sounds. I had DD nearly 20 years ago, so none of this nonsense then. However, some years earlier I had a D&C for a missed miscarriage and was put on a mixed recovery ward and refused curtains/screens. Fucking horrible.

Feckeggblue · 27/04/2015 08:46

Some never adapted it. I'm not sure we can know whether patients have complained

fatlazymummy · 27/04/2015 08:51

Feck You get a form (survey)to fill in afterwards though, usually. I expect that would be covered. If some hospitals have adopted it then changed it back I woukd expect there was negative feedback, if not formal complaints.

Feckeggblue · 27/04/2015 08:54

That's quite an assumption

ampersandand · 27/04/2015 08:58

I gave birth in August last year and due to having pre eclampsia I was in hospital for 10 days, 5 days waiting to be induced for birth and 5 days after following protocal for preeclampsia.

It was horrible.

I was on a 6 bay ward, hardy slept due to people being moved in after giving birth, loud phone calls at 3am, partners in there chatting away and other babies crying. I was so tired I had to be woken up by care staff sometimes to tend to my own crying baby.
Luckily no partners were 'allowed' to stay overnight but there didn't seem to be a time limit on how long they could stay after birth if it was in the early hours. My own partner left just 4 hours after I gave birth because he 'had to go at 11pm'.

During the day one certain nurse would make a massive deal about my curtains being opened.

In my most vulnerable state after a traumatic birth I felt I was on parade for all to see and wasn't even allowed an hour to myself and baby unless I was breastfeeding or giving out personal care.
I had had absolutely enough of that after a few days so spent a whole morning with my tits out constantly so if that nurse came in I could say I was about to feed. Why should someone be forced to do that just to have some private bonding time at the most special moment in a mothers life?!

Day 3 and the baby blues came in and I could not stop crying all day, it felt fucking great to be sobbing my heart out on the bed in front of visitors, new mum's and their partners as the nurse kept coming and opening my curtains.

It seems trivial now looking back to get so upset about the curtains, but it meant so much to me at the time.

morage · 27/04/2015 08:59

If other patients on a ward were going on about how they wanted their partners to be able to stay overnight and how it was wrong they couldn't, I would have just agreed. I couldn't have been bothered with a disagreement when in hospital. But I would have said in a feedback form that I did not want this to happen.

Plateofcrumbs · 27/04/2015 09:00

and I cannot understand why anyone cannot see the difference between having partners around during visiting hours as opposed to sleeping there overnight

Honestly don't get it - partners snoozing quietly next to mothers would have made no difference to me at all.

I was in hospital for 4 nights with DS - beyond being knackered, there was no clinical need for me to be there, it was for DS's benefit. Other than futile efforts to establish BFing my role was the same as DH's - to feed, hold, comfort, change nappies, mop sick etc. But only one of us was allowed to be there.

We've come a long way since the days when men paced about outside the delivery room waiting until they could light a cigar. And are making headway on shared parental leave. I think reinforcing a culture after birth where fathers are just optional extras isn't hugely helpful.

honkinghaddock · 27/04/2015 09:04

I had to express every 2- 3 hours (prem baby who couldn't latch on) on postnatal ward for the 5 days I stayed in. I would have hated men around all the time whilst I was doing this - you had to do it at your bedside. I think I may have gone straight to ff. I think it would put some women off bf who may otherwise have tried. I had a cs and had very little support from the midwives on the ward but I would still rather this than have men I don't know around all the time. I think partners had ward access 10am - 8pm at the hospital I gave birth in.

honkinghaddock · 27/04/2015 09:07

There should at least be separate bays/toilets/ showers for those that don't want partners around outside of visiting times.

formerbabe · 27/04/2015 09:13

Honestly don't get it - partners snoozing quietly next to mothers would have made no difference to me at all.

You are assuming all these women's' partners are decent, well behaved people. In reality they could be thieves, abusers, drunks, drug addicts or just inconsiderate arseholes.

BoyScout · 27/04/2015 09:14

Of course I don't speak for all women and neither do you. No one can and this thread proves why, because there are so many differing views.

I don't see why a male partner is any more of a problem than a male doctor, nurse, midwife, cleaner, porter etc. and why overnight is so much worse than the other 12 hours that they're there in the day. It's not logical in my mind.

Fucking nightmare job being the one who has to make these policy decisions.

BakewellSlice · 27/04/2015 09:14

The culture after birth should concentrate on care of patients not try to reengineer society.

Did the chap who took his partner's bed to enable better bonding with the baby in the first 24 hours really make such a huge step forward for family life?

Look after the vulnerable first.

bruffin · 27/04/2015 09:16

Honestly don't get it - partners snoozing quietly next to mothers would have made no difference to me at all.

Realistically, would it just be partners snoozing quietly next to mother, I very much doubt it.

BoyScout · 27/04/2015 09:17

In reality they could be thieves, abusers, drunks, drug addicts or just inconsiderate arseholes.

So could any of the women in there with you.

furryleopard · 27/04/2015 09:17

I'm genuinely shocked that people are so opposed to partners staying overnight, it's never crossed my mind people would so strongly oppose it.

When I had my DD via cs 6 months ago, my DH was kicked out at 8pm both nights and I was left to care for this baby on my own when I'd just had a major operation. I'd never even held a baby before but it was a case of 'right get on with it'. One midwife snapped at me for not knowing what I was doing breastfeeding. It was the worst 2 nights of my life, I was lonely, afraid, forced to take medical decisions about our DD without my husband there at 1am in the morning, I didn't sleep at all for the whole time I was in there. I was wrecked by the time I left and my breastfeeding confidence erased by the medical staff (except 1 nice midwife). My DH there with me overnight would have just been someone on my side when I needed it.

I think it just proves that postnatal care needs to be radically overhauled and that the hospital I was in is unsuitable for modern requirements. My Mum has just had her knee replaced in a private hospital (via NHS) and had her own room and bathroom, it was like a small hotel room. In comparison when I had my DD I had a tiny cubicle (with curtains around - I had no idea who was in the other cubicles male or female) with a bed and a chair. The cot thing DD was in kept being knocked by the people in the next cubicle moving round the bed. That ward was not fit for purpose.

BakewellSlice · 27/04/2015 09:20

furryleapard there is a problem with many post natal wards, I agree.

BakewellSlice · 27/04/2015 09:21

I don't think some or even nearly all of patients bringing in family members for care support is the answer.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2015 09:22

partners snoozing quietly next to mothers

haha, good one

Sansarya · 27/04/2015 09:22

Honestly don't get it - partners snoozing quietly next to mothers would have made no difference to me at all.

But that's just it. Not all partners snooze quietly. As some people on this thread have experienced, there are many who are loud and abusive and women should not be forced to share a room with them.

fatlazymummy · 27/04/2015 09:23

boyscout of course a male medical person is totally different from someone else's partner. Just can't believe anyone would even say that. Porters should be trained to respect patients privacy. Cleaners are only on the ward for a short period of time.
You mention 12 hours a day. IMO even that's too long.

Bakeoffcake · 27/04/2015 09:24

I'm so glad I had my DDs over 20 years ago. I would have hated to have men sleeping next to me after having my Csections.

fatlazymummy · 27/04/2015 09:30

bakeoff so am I. In fact the more I read this forum generally the more relieved I am.

treaclesoda · 27/04/2015 09:31

I know it's been said already but I agree with previous posters that the real problem is lack of post natal care. I would have given anything to have been able to have my husband with me the entire time I was in hospital, because I was terrified and in severe pain. I really struggled to even sit up in bed and couldn't make it to the toilet alone, but there was just no help available. The midwives were mostly lovely but they were stretched to breaking point. The post natal ward was one of the most upsetting experiences of my life, I have never felt so lonely and afraid.

But objectively I can see that of course it's not ideal to have partners on the ward. Sadly women need protecting from some men and the post natal ward is somewhere that people should feel safe.

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