AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

[bracingair]

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

The argument that the women giving birth might also be violent, drug addicted etc is also a stupid one. Because those women are the patients. They've got to be there. That's not a reason to let in a load of other risk posers who don't need to be present. Additionally, a woman who's just given birth and is unwell enough to require the postnatal ward is unlikely to be in her best fighting shape. However violent her intentions might be, there's much less chance of her being able to act on them than there is of a partner doing.

I had no idea this was the done thing in some hospitals, I wouldn't want men to be sleeping in the same room after I've just given birth, you do feel so vulnerable. I'm due in October so just checked my hospital and thankfully partners are only allowed in 10am til 8pm and regular visitors 5 til 8. They say on their website this is to help the support and care of new mothers and to prevent infection. My DH would feel really uncomfortable and awkward staying anyway.

I can see both sides of this, but I'm really shocked men are allowed to stay overnight on a ward!
I would hate to have men in the bay at night and would kick up a big fuss about it. If women want partners to stay night they need to ask for a private room.

I would certainly not be ok with other people's partners behind a curtain all night. What if you can't mobilise and have to use commode or bedpan?! How is there any privacy or dignity for women?

I wonder what staff would do if one woman threatened to self-discharge post-op before she was fit to leave, because of men overnight? I suspect they would have to ask the men to leave.

To all the women saying you 'needed' your OH during the night, for physical assistance and emotional support, what would you do if you'd had surgery for something else and were on a normal ward or gynae ward? Partners are not allowed to stay overnight even if you 'need' them psychologically. You have to manage with the help from nurses and HCAs.

I have had both my kids at UCLH - fantastic place but put your name down for a private room as soon as you deliver. It's £250 per night but money well spent - strange men shouldn't be a problem but the wards are hectic and cubicles have no room to move. Good luck!

Caspian- I imagine I could look after myself post OP - or worst case just lie there I guess but post c section I needed to look after my baby and feeding and comforting her was very very hard: not being able to sit up, crawling up the bars of the bed to do so, not being able to lean over the cot or get out of bed alone; needing her put in my arms because I had lost so much blood I couldn't safely lift her myself; all this meant I couldn't look after her without DHs help.

If he hadn't been able to stay we would've survived of course- I would've had to demand a lot more help and my baby would've gone without more- but it made life far easier to have him there.

Like you I can see both sides so not arguing either way, but that's why I felt I needed him.

I don't think anyone believes that women don't feel they need their (decent) partners. I guess the question is whether one woman's needs are more important than the needs of the other women on the ward. They need privacy, dignity and a break from visitors - it's a bit much to set those needs as irrelevant which is the real issue, I think. That's even where a specific subset of women need their partner to be forbidden from staying because he's an abusive arse.

caspian I absolutely did need my DH there to look after me after the birth and I couldn't have coped without him, and yes he has stayed overnight with me on a general surgery ward because they didnt have enough staff to cope with my care needs

My wife had our child recently and I was allowed in from 9-9 when she was in a ward and when in own room.

Women should have the right to privacy, I think that outweighs the other issues for me. There should be proper funding and enough midwives to provide care.

It appears to be a new trend encouraged by the RCM

St Thomas got new chairs for dads to stay last year

www.guysandstthomas.nhs.uk/news-and-events/2014-news/20140619-new-chairs-for-dads.aspx

I already find the idea of staying in a postnatal ward with several other women horrendous, let alone if their partners could stay overnight too!

I gave birth abroad, where you have to stay in hospital at least 4 days, even with the most straight-forward birth.

The first time I was in a shared room, but fortunately I had it to myself for the first 3 nights, and just shared it the last 24 hours. And those 24 hours were hell, because there weren't even any curtains in the room.

I knew the drill so to speak, so whenever anyone came in to examine the other woman, I turned over on my side to give her as much privacy as possible. Partners were allowed during the day but not at night (thankfully). But even so, I did not appreciate being in full view (no curtains remember) of her partner, her mum and her numerous visitors who didn't respect visiting times at all (unfortunately for both of us, she worked in the hospital so all her colleagues came to visit en masse! At one point, barely 1 hour after arriving in the room, she had 13 visitors. She was nearly in tears and so was I).

But the healthcare provided was reasonably good and we had our own bathroom.

For the second one I got myself worked up at the idea of returning to that hospital and being in a two-bed, no curtained room with someone else and all their visitors for the whole time so ended up going private. My parents and MIL chipped in to help luckily as they could see how stressed I was getting about it.

The second experience was just blissful. Private room (small but who cares?!), private shower + loo, HCP who answered when beeped. Even so I was chomping at the bit to be allowed home and it's only because I knew to prepare them in advance to let me go that I could leave on the 4th day.

My first birth was reasonably straight-forward but I felt so vulnerable afterwards. Sharing a room with strangers would not have been welcome at all. My second birth was a lot more violent and I needed the space to myself to recover.

Oh and in the first hospital there was a steady stream of people in and out of the room, starting at 8am with breakfasts, followed by cleaners, midwives, pediatricians, nurses, lunch, snacks, orders for dinner, bed changers,... until 1pm. 1-3pm no-one came in the room at all (to let mothers rest) and visiting started at 3pm.

My roommate appeared in those magical 2 hours break with her entourage - I cried

This thread has been food for thought for me. I was lucky to have a private room when I had DS. My work means I regularly visit the maternity ward and very kindly the staff recognised that I needed some privacy while there as a patient. I ended up havjng a section under GA but recovered well. My DH stayed the first night but not the second. We both agreed he should sort things out at home. I really identify with poster who said how she cherished those first moments alone with her new born- it was one of the best times.
I've often thought how crowded the postnatal bays are and the lack of privacy and dignity. I can also testify first hand that some men are inconsiderate or abusive to their own partners, and other women. I have seen some vile behaviour.
It is difficult when some women want partners there (or need them) and some really find that intrusive. Maybe the answer is to try, as far as possible, to allocate bays according to preference? And to agree a rule that if one woman in the bay does not want partners present, they should not be there?

It all sounds horrific. My first delivery was instrumental, and I was shoved straight from recovery into a six bed bay. They kept leaving my curtains open and I was catheterised at first so couldn't get up to close them. But at least there were no strange men to nose at me bleeding and weeping for my baby in SCBU (although there was an annoying bint who had four hundred visitors, was never off her phone and then had the nerve to say she was praying for me because my baby cried a lot the next night). I'm not sure what use my husband would have been either, unless he could have taken out my catheter and canula.

I wonder why they don't have a separate room for men, like a big lounge with beds, so men who are needed overnight can stay in here and be called onto ward as and when needed (eg to change baby, help with a feed or help wife to loo). That way they could provide essential assistance the way an HCA or nurse would, but wouldn't be there all night. They could have a panel with buzzers on wall in lounge so you could buzz for your DP directly! If everyone followed rules eg not lingering on ward, not chatting at night, it might work better than men napping at bedside.

If you went to see your GP, and rather than have a consultation in their surgery with the door closed, then came out to the waiting room and asked you personal questions in front of the other people in the waiting room, no one would accept that.

Which is basically what women on the post natal ward have to go through. Private and sometimes very difficult conversations about intimate parts of your body, with strangers just a curtain away, hearing everything.

With other woman who are in the same position it doesn't seem quite as bad. But the thought of someone else's partner, sister whatever hearing that is awful.

I would have hated it, and it seems an odd policy when there is a real shortage of beds in many hospitals, and some first-time mums are being sent home after a few hours.

I've just had a long discussion with DH tonight, prompted by the info booklet included in my scan appointment, as he wants to have a hospital birth. I'd rather have a home birth but am willing to compromise on the condition that we leave asap once I've delivered. This thread has just given me all the justification I need. I can't think of anything worse after giving birth...

I had a horrible time with DD1s birth and i remember the panic I felt after DH left. However, I would have hated anyone else's dp to stay over night and witness my tears, attempts at latching the baby on and the bleeding waddle walk to the loo. And my DH can wake the dead with his snoring...

Second time, after a section, I passed out in the shower and had to be hauled out naked onto a bed and pushed through the corridor back to a bay I can laugh about it now. That would have been really shit with a ward of other people DPs to witness it!

I do sympathise with women who need their partners to stay for medical reasons - be it for their mental health, because of something happening to their baby etc. But they should be in a private room.

For myself, and that's the only person I can speak for, I am really glad that my children were born 30+ years ago.

First time I was in a ward as I needed a transfusion after the birth. Second and third time I was in a two-bed room.

First time, in for a week. Hour long afternoon visit, followed by compulsory rest for the mothers. 2 hour visit in the evening - husbands only. First night, baby in nursery, called when they needed a feed. After that you could have them with you if you wanted.

Attentive midwives, help with feeding and on call if you needed them.

I was more than happy with that. I rested and got my strength back. My DH slept in his bed, not a chair. And even when one of my DC was in special care, he still couldn't stay all night (the baby had bad jaundice) and when the baby slept I was packed off to bed too.

I'd hate to be pregnant today.

I had C section this January and my partner stayed with me the whole time. As everyone else's on the ward. At some point he went home to take a shower and change. Other woman's partner helped me during that time. I couldn't reach the buzzer to get some morphine, so he went and called a midwife. Then he offered to fill up my water jug. So I think YABU.
In fact, the only annoying person on the ward was one of other mums. Her baby was screaming his lungs out while she happily chatted on the phone. And it was in the middle of the night. At 2 fucking AM!!!
Needless to say, she got told off quite few times during her stay there.
All the men there were very quiet and considerate.

I can't believe this happens. I was clearly very lucky when I had my c section, my hospital had private rooms where you could be if you wanted you partner to stay overnight. & the partner was banned from leaving the rooms overnight.
I'm a single mum & would of hated & felt really uncomfortable with strange men staying all around me.
It is hard after a c section but I managed on my own. If I needed the midwife I buzzed & she would pass me my DS.

*I hate this

Thank God my child bearing days are over

Men just can't resist invading women's spaces, can they ?

I know that if my H had been given the option to sleep over he would have declined out of respect for the women around him.*

But what about women having respect for other women and deciding against dad staying.

NannyOgg, I had my first two children back in the day when we were kept in hospital for a week to get back on their feet before we went home.

I wish the mums of today could also have that experience.

I had to stay in for 6 days for my first. I didn't enjoy it, and it was unneccesary in my case, but at least we were cared for by the midwives , apart from one night where one baby was left to cry for ages in the nursery.
There would have been no point in my husband staying anyway, I didn't need any help and he would have been bored rigid. The whole idea seems bizarre to me.

To (possibly mis-) quote Spock, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few

Can't believe non-patients allowed to sleep in ward settings - private room is clearly a different affair - but it seems awfully inappropriate to allow "sleepovers" where there is more than one person/patient in the room