AIBU to not want strange men sleeping next to me post operative?

[bracingair]

I am due to have a c-section in UCLH and I was chatting to one of the midwives. She said post natal you are in a 4 bedded bay. Partners can sleep over, and they don't like the curtains closed so they can keep an eye on u. This is not my first so very likely DH will not stay overnight.

I think it is wonderful that women can have their partners over if they want, but I do not want someone else's partner right by me! I know resources are stretched but I think it is putting me in a position I am very uncomfortable with. AIBU and if not, what can I do about this?

That too, weebirdie

Oh my God! Some of these stories are utterly horrendous.

I dont believe anything any politician tells me about how much has been spent on the NHS and what improvements have been made!

Mixed wards under any circumstances are totally unacceptable but on a Maternity Ward? I am shocked.

When I had my first, a good few years ago now, I had to have an emergency C Section. I was given a private room and my DH was allowed to stay until 10 pm (whatever the day was). After that my baby was taken away for the night so I could get some sleep. I was kept in for a week and I cant fault the care, not just physical, but emotional too. How things have changed :(

Had my DCs pre this idea even being on the horizon. All 3 by CS. Even back then the focus was all on it being post-natal not post-operative.

After no other surgery would patients be expected to put up with the level of disruption and lack of rest which post-CS women are expected to put up with.

I found even long-stay visiting hours hard enough. The person with the shoutiest visitors whether partner or other family members seemed to get the most attention from the midwives.

The privacy given by curtains is only an illusion. No matter how considerate or well-meaning, partners or other family members will look into other bays. People will talk amongst themselves. There are always a few visitors who will want to chat with other patients whether the other patients want it or not.

I have never heard of this (partners having a sleep over on an postnatal ward) but found it slightly amusing the complaint that "partner had to sleep on an uncomfortable chair"

Try having a seriously ill child in hospital for 3 months (one parent only rule and sleeping on a chair) and then you will know the meaning of seriously uncomfortable chair.

I think if it is so important to you that you need your partner there, then you need to find the cash to stay in a side room. On a ward? No way Jose.

OP YANBU I'm a student midwife, and partners are only allowed to stay overnight on our postnatal ward in very exceptional circumstances so I'm quite shocked that it's common practice elsewhere xx

I am in the minority as I would have liked DH to be able to stay. DS was premature and was helped to breathe for a few mins and then whisked away to NICU and it was a shock as although we knew he was coming no one had prepared us for him just being taken away (35 weeks but turned out to be very small hence issues). I was then shoved into a shower and taken to post natal ward and DH turfed out as it was 7pm. I was left with no baby, no communication as to how he was and surrounded by people giving me pitying looks as they had their babies. We could have done with being there for each other. Instead I was in for 4 nights surrounded by others' babies so just took myself away to SCBU all day to be with DS and DH which meant being kept in was a waste if time but I had to fight to get discharged.

I don't know what the answer is though as clearly a lot of people feel very differently. Our hospital has recently been entirely upgraded with the exception of maternity so it's clearly not a priority to have better facilities post birth

Murphy I really feel for you. My situation that I mentioned up thread had similarities and I was given a private room, DH stayed for the first few nights and we had a camera connected to the incubator. You poor thing going through that alone.

Thanks 5years, I was scared to post as obviously others feel very strongly but after thinking about it I do think there's a range of situations to be considered and one opinion shouldn't just trump all others.

Thankfully it all worked out and he's absolutely fine now. Sorry you had such a situation too but I'm pleased that in some places there have been steps to make an awful situation a bit more comfortable for you.

Murphy- did your hospital not have any side rooms. At mine in London anyone without their baby was top priority for one, and then your DH could stay.

So glad to hear that your son is doing well now.

I had a sideroom when my baby was in special care too, I think they try and prioritise women in that situation for private rooms. DH actually did a lot of the caring post birth, as it took a couple of days before I felt well enough, but of course he was home overnight. Had to be, as we also have an older child.

Honestly I think most women, certainly first timers, would like their partners with them overnight. Except where abusive etc. It's just that it would also mean dealing with other people's, so a lot of us when weighing it up would prefer to do without.

Mine is also fine now btw and glad Murphy's is too.

It had one or two side rooms I believe but I didn't get one, neither did the poor woman whose baby was transferred to another hospital as he was very unwell she was completely alone after visiting and unable to even visit her baby which is heartbreaking.

However, the lady beside me kicked off that she had to stay overnight as she had a catheter and that she was more of a priority. Sadly she created enough fuss that she got it. Now I understand that must have been hard for her but it's not really on par with your baby being on the other side of the city and being surrounded by other newborns. That woman should have been 1st on the list for side room IMO.

I had a c-section at UCHL and no partners stayed. Have you asked the hospital what the policy is?

I agree with LadyCatherine - would I have liked my DH to stay? Yes, of course. But would I like to put up with everyone else's? No, so it's a trade off I was prepared to make.

I would have loved to have had DH to stay. I heamorhaged at 35 weeks and had an EMCS. I was left the night after having lost 2 litres of blood, with a catheter in and an NG tube fed premature baby. I had to feed DS every 3hrs, by the time I had done the whole feeding palaver and expressed and sterilised everything (I had to leave my baby and waddle down two corridors carrying my catheter bag in one hand and my expressed milk in the other) I had 2hrs till I had to repeat the process. I was bleeding everywhere. After a week they eventually admitted DS to SCBU and I discharged myself and my catheter. Being left on my own over night was horrendous and I counted the minutes till DH was back. I love my DS dearly and he is fine now but that week was the worst week of my life and those hours alone were truly horrendous. I am sorry that there are others who have been in similar situations.

I completely understand that others feel uncomfortable with men staying and think that in most situations it is better for the majority that the Dads go home, but there are exceptions and for those who really need it maybe they need to have an alternative.

And there were no side rooms available as they were occupied by women with D&V. Which left only one toilet for the 26 other women on the ward to share. The unit was closed to new admissions but they can't turn you away when you arrive in an ambulance bleeding.

I'm so happy that the majority on this thread are against this happening. I haven't had children yet and am hopeful that this policy has died a death by the time I do. Unlike the minority on this thread, I can appreciate that whilst I might want my lovely DP around me, he is just a stranger to other women and they may not be comfortable with it.

If you're for this then imagine yourself as a vulnerable, single woman who has just had a baby. Then imagine the worst kind of man- abusive, not having any boundaries, being loud and offensive. Now, tell me that you would happily sleep next to this man when you are post-birth, in pain and bleeding.

P.S. as a HCP I need to see blood in the toilet to quantify how much a patient has lost. To say it is disgusting is missing the point of a hospital.

Goulash soup there are no words... How awful

Thanks Feck, I'm hoping it is different next time and we're beginning to consider a next time so that is progress.

Either way OP YANBU. But there does need to be major change in post natal care, the staff and facilities are just way over stretched.

I was just listening to the radio - wasn't paying 100% attention but the gist of it was that lifting restrictions on visiting hours on other wards (older people maybe, I wasn't clear) can lead to improved outcomes: eg if a family member could help a patient with their dinner they would be more likely to eat than if it were a HCP (assuming the HCP has time to help, which realistically they often don't). They were calling for lifting visiting restrictions, despite recognising that there might be some adverse impact on others on ward who don't have relatives there to support.

Made me think of this thread - it's clearly not just a post-natal ward issue.

That's interesting Plate I do wonder how much of it is cost cutting though as getting visitors to do the basics must save the staff time.
I said further up the thread (but it's a long thread!) I got the impression the midwives were not impressed I'd sent DH home one night ( he needed a proper night's sleep I thought) and had to ask for help lifting the baby as I was in bed after a CS. It's all a bit of a blur now but there was some comments about passing me the baby and getting food from the kitchen bring the partners job.

From a nurse's point of view, I would like to say that we hate it when relatives or partners stay over. There is so little room around the beds anyway that you find yourself tripping over a snoring bloke. Or they find it really easy to become patients themselves. They are incapable of throwing their rubbish in the bin, for example so the table becomes piled up with takeaway boxes. They watch you trying to clear a space so you can give their partner a jug of water. They get bored and drag their OH out for a walk when the woman should be on bed rest.

plateof crumbs my local hospital actually bans visitors at mealtimes on a lot of wards.
I think that might be helpful on a ward with a lot of elderly patients though, perhaps those with a history of strokes or dementia. It can be very time consuming if you have a few patients to help with their food , often they are very slow to eat or need a lot of coaxing.
I just don't think relatives should be expected to pick up the shortfall though, of course some people do like to share in their relatives care.

Dsis is a nurse on a ward that has,like many, open visiting hours. She says in many ways it's fine but one day she noticed an elderly lady recovering from an operation, looking distressed and panicky. She went to her, and the lady whispered that she needed to use a bedpan but there were two teenage boys and their dad sitting with the woman in the next bed. Dsis said "Don't worry, I'll pull the curtains right round." The lady said "But they'll hear me!" Dsis offered to ask them to wait in the dayroom till she had finished, which was what happened eventually, but the lady said she felt very embarrassed that they all knew what she was doing! She said she'd been waiting and hoping they would leave, and that if it had been the old-fashioned visiting hour,she would have been able to hang on!