To be uncomfortable that my heterosexual friend is volunteering for lgbt kids charity?

[travellingbird]

My friend has to be the most conscientious person. She is exceptionally engaged with social issues and currently works in a lefty cause (climate change). She told me she was about to start with a work-approved charity for LGBT young people in schools. The aim is to go into schools and address homophobia and gender stereotypes etc. She is hetero and cis. I'm gay, and she has been one of my closest friends even before I came out at 15. She has witnessed and supported me through my battles with homophobic parents. Our mutual best friend is also gay and identifies as agender.
She is well aware of her privilege (in a good way) and has aired her concerns about not being quite right for it, yet is proceeding.

So, am I unreasonable to be uncomfortable with her taking this role? Should I just be happy she is er, "helping us" and being a wonderful ally?

That said - being able to discuss how LGBT are treated and to explore people's prejudices can be done by an ally.

In the same way a bloke talking to blokes about sexism, consent etc can have a powerful effect. But I should imagine a woman talking about a situation where she was raped by a bloke who would have a very powerful effect. Especially if the blokes recognise the situation.

I think people who have experienced homophobia have a more powerful impact than someone who hasn't.

That may or may not be true, but since the pool of people who are gay, have experience of homophobia and are willing to not only do the required training but actually show up and do the work is smaller than the pool who don't fit the first 2 criteria as well as the last...which is more powerful, someone talking to them about homophobia or no-one doing it?

I would have thought the woman should get some notice just for showing up and putting the effort in. Most people don't. Instead she gets told that she's the wrong orientation and isn't good enough.

I think your friend has experience of supporting you through these issues that she could use to help other people. She is clearly passionate about this cause and about being an ally and advocating for equality. I'm sure the charity will support and train her to do this in a sensitive way. So in a way I think YABU to think she couldn't volunteer for a cause she doesn't have direct experience of. I support charities that help groups I'm not a part of. Not having direct experience doesn't mean I don't care and can't learn. I believe our society will grow stronger through equality.

As a white person, I would not speak about being black.

That's your choice, and if you don't feel informed enough to do so, then so be it. However, one of the most renowned and prolific anti-racism campaigners, Jane Eliott, has done this for decades, and I don't think many people would doubt her credentials or the success she has had.

I would have thought the woman should get some notice just for showing up and putting the effort in. Most people don't

Right now, I am struggling with this. I am trans. I could do a lot of activism, be a role model in schools etc. But I don't talk about it. Not on here anymore. It's about being stealth - and being accepted as me. If I became an activist, then I would be known as that trans person. Right now, it's never talked about and I am just me.

I could be a good role model. I could help a lot of children see it's ok. I could talk about growing up, transphobia etc.

But I don't.

If we truly want a society without negative prejudice towards those who are different from us, then we all have to contribute in the education against that prejudice. It's as useful and empowering to have men speaking up for feminism, white people for racial equality, straight people for LGBT equality as it is to have people who have experienced prejudice first hand, because it sends the message: this is relevant to all of us, we all want to live better together.

I suspect several of you think men can be feminists. Hey ho.

Is it that your subconscious 'take' on it is how, being straight, can she possibly understand & help? For me, its "the constituency of the rejected". I get it, i am part of it:and i am straight. Just because you dont belong to such an 'official' group that experiences problems yourself doesnt mean you cant help or understand - or haven't had some huge issues yourself just becaouse of who you are /even if you are straight.

OP did you apply for the same position?

I think men can be feminists. Should I not think this?

feminism is the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities. Why on earth can men not believe this?

You tell us you're white - do you believe you are unable to condemn racism?

If the organization she is volunteering for are happy with her doing it, and they presumably know a lot more about what the work involves than you, then I think you should accept that and butt out of it.

Another volunteer who goes into the school may be a gay man. But he won't know what it is like to be a lesbian, bisexual or Trans. And there are very big differences.

If someone is simply giving basic education about LGBT stereotypes and discrimination, I do not see why someone needs to be either lesbian, gay, bisexual or Trans to do this.

travelling if we take the attitude that men shouldn't trouble their pretty little heads with feminism because they couldn't possibly understand it, then we're not working towards the goal of a cohesive society. I see this all the time.

A 'friend' once explained to me that I was racist because I was white. Prejudice came with my skin colour. It had nothing to do with my behaviour, attitude of mind - I had no control over it. Bollocks. We are now merely civil work colleagues. That sort of attitude breeds divisiveness. It celebrates prejudice and apartheid in a subtle but tenacious form. I find it frustrating.

Of course men can be feminists.

I can see, OP, that you have very strict standards on what other people can and can't be. Perhaps you need to explore your reasons for this?

As a white person, I would not speak about being black either but I would speak out against racism.

As a white person, I would not speak about being black.

I very much doubt that she's going to talk to the students as if she is lgbt. To be honest you sound as if you are jealous because she is encroaching on your patch!

We all have a responsibility to tackle racism and prejudice against LGBT people. All of us.

As a white person, I would not speak about being black either but I would speak out against racism

That's what's needed. People speaking out and tacking prejudices and discrimination.

Will she be going in alone or part of a group? Because the best set-up as far as I can see would be a group, each talking about their own experience; gay people; allies, modelling communication and mutual respect.

She can't talk about gay people's lived experience, you are right about that. But I talk about the Human Rights Act as part of my job and I can't be gay, black, unmarried, receiving benefits all at the same time. I can talk about the law, though.

I suspect several of you think men can be feminists. Hey ho.

Somehow i just knew this was coming.

Anyway, not only do i think men can be feminists, i think many are.

Saying men cant be feminists is like saying able bodied/white/straight people cannot believe in equal opportunities for those who arent the above.

To be honest you sound as if you are jealous because she is encroaching on your patch!

Yes this is what i am getting from the posts too.

I'm becoming increasingly convinced that this friend beat the OP to the position.. especially as I've asked outright twice and had no response

As a heterosexual person who was a very active member of my universities LGBT society and at points committee, I find your attitude really disappointing. Equal rights and treatment were something I felt very passionately about and through meeting friends and hearing their experiences and difficulties left me with a great deal of empathy which I channelled into assisting charity and awareness events. At no point was it insinuated that I was stepping in on anyone's toes and had it been suggested I would have been really upset, as I suspect your friend would be if she knew how you felt. I was there as a supporter and an ally.

She's not going into to schools presenting herself as having had the struggles of those the LGBT community may face but is instead providing a gateway to a support network that might help young people dealing with their sexuality. She even has relevant experience of supporting you so isn't just reading from a pamphlet and parroting it back.

How many young people have you extended support and guidance to OP?

Your friend sounds like a good, kind, decent person. I really can't understand your issue at all and I feel sorry for your friend that you are judging her involvement when she only seems to want to support you and others and fight the very fact that she has had a "privilege" that should never exist in the first place.