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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be uncomfortable that my heterosexual friend is volunteering for lgbt kids charity?

453 replies

travellingbird · 25/04/2015 14:08

My friend has to be the most conscientious person. She is exceptionally engaged with social issues and currently works in a lefty cause (climate change). She told me she was about to start with a work-approved charity for LGBT young people in schools. The aim is to go into schools and address homophobia and gender stereotypes etc. She is hetero and cis. I'm gay, and she has been one of my closest friends even before I came out at 15. She has witnessed and supported me through my battles with homophobic parents. Our mutual best friend is also gay and identifies as agender.
She is well aware of her privilege (in a good way) and has aired her concerns about not being quite right for it, yet is proceeding.

So, am I unreasonable to be uncomfortable with her taking this role? Should I just be happy she is er, "helping us" and being a wonderful ally?

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 25/04/2015 17:19

OP are you resenting your friend intruding into your area of 'expertise' so to speak? I genuinely can't see why you would have a problem with what you describe unless there is a bit of back story which you haven't revealed. I think you're massively over thinking this if there are no other reasons.

uglyswan · 25/04/2015 17:34

Oh OP, why would you post this on a largely heterosexual forum? Good post by Velvet though.

OrlandoWoolf · 25/04/2015 17:38

The project I volunteer does not take on straight volunteers.

Does it take trans volunteers? As someone on here has pointed out, trans issues are very different to LGB issues. I sort of know why they are lumped together - but at the same time, the issues are very different.

Trans kids may feel very differently from LGB kids - and certainly at school, trans kids have vastly different issues to face.

But I do understand about safe spaces where you are the "norm".

VelvetRose · 25/04/2015 17:46

Hi Orlando, yes it does. There is a separate trans group also though at the request of the trans community.

TenerifeSea · 25/04/2015 17:46

You wanted that voluntary position, didn't you?

SurlyCue · 25/04/2015 17:47

Where I think you have a point is in an LGBT drop in or similar

OP didnt have a point in that regard as she didnt ever mention a LGBT drop in or similar. She made no point about them. Classic example of people's experience clouding their ability to advise appropriately.

VelvetRose · 25/04/2015 17:49

Eh? I was saying that in some instances I think only LGBT people should be doing the job!! What is the problem with that?

Yarp · 25/04/2015 17:56

If her role is to listen, and to encourage discussion without her own experience impinging, then that would be within her ability, as you have described it.

giraffesCantPluckTheirEyebrows · 25/04/2015 17:56

It is not always beneficial to have someone who has experienced something helping you - they may put their own slant on it and think that the way they handled it was the best one and so project that. When I worked as a ChildLine counsellor (for 6 years) the calls I found hardest were ones that touched a nerve with me.

OrlandoWoolf · 25/04/2015 17:58

I can see what Velvet's saying. It's not really to do with the OP but a relevant point to who should run support groups.

Still - it's good to see any attempt to discuss LGBT issues in schools. There is lots of good advice from Stonewall for teachers when helping tackle bullying, self esteem, different families and the "hidden curriculum". It is so hard to recognise the hidden curriculum if it does not affect you personally. I bet many people on here subconsciously "promote" heterosexuality when talking to children about future boyfriends / girlfriends.

SurlyCue · 25/04/2015 17:58

Eh? I was saying that in some instances I think only LGBT people should be doing the job!! What is the problem with that?

There isnt a problem with that. I never said there was Confused

As in my post above you said "Where I think you have a point is in an LGBT drop in or similar"
I was saying that OP made no such point about drop ins or similar. Her issue is with her friend going into schools to discuss homphobia and gender stereotypes. Not at all the same as working in an LGBT drop in centre.

giraffesCantPluckTheirEyebrows · 25/04/2015 17:59

Maybe no one who was LGBT applied that fitted the criteria as well/had the right experience etc.

OrlandoWoolf · 25/04/2015 18:00

I have been asked to help support younger trans people coming out. But it's a massive trigger for me as I wish I had come out when younger and I still have massive mental health issues about that. I find it really hard to see younger trans people as I am jealous - yet pleased for them.

RedToothBrush · 25/04/2015 18:04

Can someone remind me of the definition of 'bigotry' please?

VelvetRose · 25/04/2015 18:05

People are discussing the question of whether LGBT people are best placed to do LGBT based work. I am saying that in my opinion they sometimes are and they sometimes aren't and I gave an example of that. My experience isn't clouding my ability to do anything.

I have 30 years experience of being gay and 20 years experience of working in the LGBT community. i think that's relevant to the discussion.

Original poster
travellingbird · 25/04/2015 18:07

Thanks Velvet - you and others have been helpful in working out my discomfort. To me it is about that young person's safety and space.

A poster above mentioned using the law to help people; this is my job and so that point hit home. Thank you.

I think she is an amazing friend and I will support her wholeheartedly in doing this.

And no, she didn't get this role over me. I'm not that lame.

I deliberately wanted to ask heterosexual females; hence posting here!

OP posts:
OrlandoWoolf · 25/04/2015 18:07

I am saying that in my opinion they sometimes are and they sometimes aren't and I gave an example of that

Exactly - all depends on what the person is doing and the aim of the work.

elQuintoConyo · 25/04/2015 18:07

I'm actually totally lost with OP's first post Confused

It gets RIGHT ON MY TITS this whole cis nonsense Angry

And why can't my DH be a feminist?

Kewcumber · 25/04/2015 18:08

I think in the majority of cases it is preferable to have people speaking about their personal experiences. With experience of getting decent quality people to volunteer and to stick to it consistently thats rarely possible. So using empathetic people who are well prepared has to be a good alternative or the alternative is just throwing the towel in.

Volunteer yourself and encourage your friends to if you feel that strongly about it.

TheMagnificientFour · 25/04/2015 18:09

Sorry but I think you are missing the point OP.

She isn't going into schools to talk about how it feels to be homosexual. She is going into schools to 'address homophobia and gender stereotypes' which is certainly the ONE thing she has shown, incl and esp to YOU, to be able to do.
Who else that someone who has supported her best friend through coming out, has numerous gay friends etc... could explain to everyone how homophobia is wrong and what is a gender stereotype? She certainly has walked the talk there.

She isn't going to talk about how it feels to be gay or transgender which is a different issue.

And that is apart from the fact that the experience of being gay etc... will be very different from one person to the next and being gay yourself doesn't allow you to say how all gay people feel or how they would like to be treated etc...

elQuintoConyo · 25/04/2015 18:09

(VelvetRose makes sense... now I geddit) (still hate cis).

mountainofdreams · 25/04/2015 18:11

YABVU OP.
Your friend sounds really nice!
I'm Irish living in London and I know a lot of straight people at home who are getting proactively involved in the Yes campaign fomarriedage equality in Ireland.
Gay people I know are really happy with that support, do you think it's wrong?
I volunteer with special needs children and don't have a child or close family/ friends with special needs, is that a problem?
I think you sound really jealous and should apply to volunteer yourself if it's what you want.
If not just stay out of it!

OrlandoWoolf · 25/04/2015 18:12

op

What will she be doing in schools?

What's her role?

I think that is the crux of the issue. LGBT people need allies and anything that can be done to reduce discrimination must help.

SurlyCue · 25/04/2015 18:17

People are discussing the question of whether LGBT people are best placed to do LGBT based work.

Yes, people are. OP isnt. She is discussing her friend and the role she will be carrying out. You implied she made a (perfectly valid) point which you agreed with. I am stating that she didnt make that point at all. You were using your own experiences and relating that to what OP was discussing, understandably as it is a LGBT issue, when it wasnt actually what she was discussing. I.e; your experience had a bearing on how you responded to the OP meaning your response (the part i quoted) wasnt actually relevant to the OP's issue. Two different environments and two different roles.

To be clear, i totally agree with what you are saying.

Summerbreezer · 25/04/2015 18:20

Thanks Velvet - you and others have been helpful in working out my discomfort. To me it is about that young person's safety and space.

Well you can comfort yourself in the fact that this does not apply AT ALL in the circumstances of your friend's post as you describe them.

Velvet was describing an entirely different environment.

Although I suspect you are deliberately missing the point.

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