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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate it when my DP goes 'out out'

162 replies

SillyPops · 24/04/2015 22:30

I don't even know why it bothers me so much. Maybe simply because I dont, and I don't see why he wants to.

DP said he was going out tonight with a friend (we don't live together), I had assumed he was going to the pub after work, just text me to saying he's going out now at 1030! That means he's going 'out out' and most likely clubbing and I'm really upset.

I trust him, Im not jealous because I don't enjoy it, but I'm still really annoyed/upset.

AIBU to think grown men shouldn't want to do this? Or am I a granny before my years? (DP is 27 btw)

OP posts:
DarthVadersTailor · 25/04/2015 10:55

Maybe the terminology differs in these parts but "going out out" for me always meant getting high as a kite on a night out!! If that were the case (assuming from the thread it's not) then you'd have a case.

As it stands OP, I think you are being unreasonable though totally not deserving of the criticism. And tbh don't see why everyone has such disdain for your description of people on a night out, though I'd say that's probably more accurate of clubs with the younger crowd rather than the older crowd clubs. At the end of the day your fella likes a night out and we all have our ways to let off steam, it might not be your idea of a good time (understand why too) but that's his choice and frankly you simply have to swallow that. No man, or woman, wants a partner who's going to potentially make them feel bad for doing what they enjoy and your attitude towards a drink out could well manifest in behaviour that'll make him uncomfortable about that.

Sallystyle · 25/04/2015 10:56

I have seen someone being fingered on the dancefloor.

Also seen a couple have sex on the chairs.

I don't go clubbing anymore and didn't go much as a teen because I hated it. I don't think the clubs were particularly sleazy and they were two of the most popular ones in the area. I also had a man shove his hand up my skirt when I was walking past. I have seen a lot of making out while dancing, like hands up tops etc.

These were clubs in Norfolk.

WelcomeToMNMadness · 25/04/2015 11:15

I've re-read what I said. It was "The feelings the OP's exploring are jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness and judginess. I'd not blame her boyfriend if he did go out on the pull".

I've reassessed and I see nothing which has changed my opinion. All I see is an insecure, probably quite young or at least emotionally immature woman who uses far more offensive language about other women than I have about her.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/04/2015 11:24

That's a lovely thing to say to someone who is insecure about her boyfriend possibly cheating on her. Bet she feels better for your considerate advice

JeanSeberg · 25/04/2015 11:26

Where've you got that from? She says she trusts him.

WelcomeToMNMadness · 25/04/2015 11:43

If it's advice that the OP wants I suggest she leaves her boyfriend and finds someone more in tune with her sexist, verging on controlling outlook Fanjo. Unfortunately there are plenty of them out there for her to choose from.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/04/2015 11:48

She says it but I don't think she does.

Controlling outlook? Because she worries about it? She doesn't stop him.

If people left us because of our inner thoughts and fears that we know are unreasonable so try to control we would all be in trouble.

Ispentitwithyou · 25/04/2015 11:50

Absolutely disgusting responses to the OP

Time for a mumsnet break I think.

Some people on here are coming across as both spiteful and bitter,

OP touched a nerve with some I think.

WelcomeToMNMadness · 25/04/2015 11:51

"Controlling outlook? Because she worries about it? She doesn't stop him"

Fanjo

I think you might have missed the two words VERGING ON which are directly in front of the words "controlling outlook" in my post. As in, "her sexist, verging on controlling outlook".

Those two words change my meaning quite significantly, don't they? Especially when they're conveniently omitted.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/04/2015 11:55

No not really

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/04/2015 11:55

Still ridiculously disproportionate

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 25/04/2015 12:04

In your very first post you say simply because I dont, and I don't see why he wants to

Your DP is not an extension of you. He can have different likes/interests. You don't live together. Him going "out out" doesn't impact on you.

What if he votes differently?
what if he has different beliefs on religion/death penalty/abortion/building on green space/getting your kids christened/holidaying abroad/x factor?

You can't just say "I dont like that so you shouldn't either". You need to figure out whether you want a DP who is:

a) exactly like you in every way
b) not like you but bends to your will
c) different to you in some ways but overall on the same page
d) completely different to you but you can accept/respect the differences
e) completely different to you but you'll never be able to look past differences and will brood and complain about them.

WelcomeToMNMadness · 25/04/2015 12:21

Q: "Those two words change my meaning quite significantly, don't they?"
A: "No not really"
A: "Still ridiculously disproportionate"

So which is it? No, the two words verging on ahead of "controlling outlook" don't really change the meaning of my sentence or that they do but it's still ridiculously disproportionate (in your opinion)?

Whichever, no matter. I'm there and done.

Sallystyle · 25/04/2015 12:30

My husband doesn't go out clubbing but my ex h did at times.

And I will hold my hands up high and say yes, it did make me feel insecure for a variety of reasons, and no he never cheated on me so I had no real reason to feel the way I did. It was my insecurities and my hang ups. Despite what the OP says this sounds like something I would have written 10 years back while claiming that I wasn't insecure while deep down I was. She has no other reason to mind so it seems quite obvious to me that this stems from feeling a bit insecure but it's a MN's sin to admit to being insecure.

So I'm not going to flame the OP because I know how she feels to a certain extent.

Shitting out babies and leave the bitch were fucking horrible and childish replies.

She has not tried to stop him going, she has expressed her feelings here and tried to work out where they stem from. Unfortunately she didn't take into consideration that there are not that many people left on AIBU who can show an ounce of compassion for someone struggling with something even if they are being unreasonable.

squoosh · 25/04/2015 12:37

If I'd been told by my boyfriend when I was a mere babe of 27 years that he didn't approve of my going out to clubs, that I was far too old for such nonsense, I would have run for the hills.

Far too controlling.

squoosh · 25/04/2015 12:40

She has not tried to stop him going

Only I suspect because he texted her to let her know rather than tell her face to face. I sincerely doubt the OP would have said 'go have a great time' if he'd consulted her beforehand.

pinkyredrose · 25/04/2015 12:40

OP you've obviously been to some shit clubs if that's your experience. Maybe your DP has found somewhere a little more upmarket where people don't perform sex acts in public.

CactusAnnie · 25/04/2015 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 26/04/2015 19:38

Calling women who get "fingered on the dance floor" slutty is totally unacceptable and derogatory.
The comment;
wait until she shits out some kids totally acceptable.
Childbirth/ shitting out kids- same thing huh? Lovely way to talk about mothers. Can you imagine if a man had said this??
Feminism? Pfffft.

ApplePaltrow · 26/04/2015 22:16

Still feel the same.

To the OP's not even DH: please run if you are reading this! It won't get any better! Someone this insecure who masks her insecurity with "maturity" is going to ruin your life. Because she won't honestly and openly state her own irrational beliefs. Instead everything will be framed as your fault and as the "right" or "wrong" thing to do.

She will be believed because it's assumed that men are immature and want pleasure and women are mature and think of others. You'll never win this fight.

she already feels generous because she lets you go out sometimes! She lets you! That's not how adults in respectful relationships think of others!! Run, run, run!! Find someone who respects you and trusts you and wants to build a life with you rather than order you around and control you! Good luck!

cleanmyhouse · 26/04/2015 23:19

I've never been fingered on the dancefloor and I'm really slutty.

Am i allowed to call myself slutty and not offend people?

CactusAnnie · 27/04/2015 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monkeysaymoo · 27/04/2015 00:27

Blimey some really nasty stuff on here!

OP in my opinion you have accepted you're being unreasonable so now I would hide this thread (it's not helpful) and try and be really honest with yourself about where these feelings are coming from and try and work on what it is that bothers you because long term this will fester and cause damage to your relationship.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/04/2015 03:47

Yes Apple. That vicious diatribe was hardly very supportive was it?

OurGlass · 27/04/2015 07:15

YABU.

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