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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate it when my DP goes 'out out'

162 replies

SillyPops · 24/04/2015 22:30

I don't even know why it bothers me so much. Maybe simply because I dont, and I don't see why he wants to.

DP said he was going out tonight with a friend (we don't live together), I had assumed he was going to the pub after work, just text me to saying he's going out now at 1030! That means he's going 'out out' and most likely clubbing and I'm really upset.

I trust him, Im not jealous because I don't enjoy it, but I'm still really annoyed/upset.

AIBU to think grown men shouldn't want to do this? Or am I a granny before my years? (DP is 27 btw)

OP posts:
SingingHinnies · 25/04/2015 01:07

Done a lot of clubbing and never seen anyone fingered on the dancefloor, not sure what sort of clubs your going to but they sound grim

TheAwfulDaughter · 25/04/2015 01:19

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ephemeralfairy · 25/04/2015 02:03

Jesus. i am 34, my best friend is 42 and we are planning to go 'out out' next weekend. We both have partners, although we have both been very 'slutty' in the past (and have absolutely no regrets or shame.) We are going because we like dancing and music and fun.
I just have no words to describe how daft I think you are being. You sound vey insecure, which is not a nice way to feel but it's up to you to sort that out.

ApplePaltrow · 25/04/2015 03:15

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FeijoaSundae · 25/04/2015 03:29

If you hate those sorts of place (and you're perfectly entitled to do so), and he enjoys them ... and if you really don't like the fact that he likes going somewhere you hate so much... then maybe it's coming down to a basic issue of incompatibility.

You're both so young. Maybe this relationship has just timed out. Perhaps youd'd be better off being single for a while, and not steaming over this. And then if and when you're ready to meet someone new, it's someone who dislikes clubbing just as much as you do?

Topseyt · 25/04/2015 03:37

I do sympathise with you, OP.

I hate nightclubs and always did. It is just personal preferences. I am not naturally gregarious and I also dislike places in which I cannot even hear myself think or hold a conversation.

We are all different though. My eldest daughter is a uni student and does like to go sometimes.

I guess your use of the terms slutty and sleazy were unwise, though I am sure you realise that now. Not all clubs are like that.

Nightclubs were never my cup of tea, but that is a personal thing. I went under duress as a student myself many years ago as it sort of felt "expected" as part of the lifestyle then. It just wasn't for me though, and I am relieved that those days are long behind me now. They will never return.

RedCheckedTablecloth · 25/04/2015 03:39

If I go clubbing I shall wear trousers so I cannot be fingered on the dance floor. The 21st century version of a chastity belt.

I think we should all wear them.

Andylion · 25/04/2015 03:56

....and there are slutty girls who get off with strangers in clubs (and I don't just mean kissing...

I quite clearly said, and NOT just kissing. I mean those being fingered on the dance floor etc... Gross and slutty in my opinion.

I kind of think this is slutty behaviour and would never frequent such a place. However, if I were to ever refer to women who did this as "sluts" then I would also call the men same thing.

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 25/04/2015 06:48

To me clubbing is hell on earth. Sleazy men, slutty girls,
And there is the problem.
To be honest, I don't like my DP going out clubbing. Unfortunately we love in a large town where people tend to do the hen/stag thing traditionally AND I'm not going to lie, it's full of underdressed men and women, who lets be honest are out yor hook up. The thing is, they are allowed to do this; that's their choice! And it's your dps choice to go out too. Doesn't mean he's going to behave in the same way, but it's clear you don't trust him.
I don't trust my dp to go out clubbing, although he does,, because he errrr can...but I don't trust him full stop due to his past behaviour. Does he have previous to make you worry???

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/04/2015 06:55

Err OP was trying to gently explore her feelings of unease about this while being slightly aware she was unreasonable. Although I don't love word "slutty". shame it didn't happen OP. Just a wall of people saying "I like going clubbing, fuck you."

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/04/2015 06:56

Not you chuckit. .that was a great post.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/04/2015 06:57

If he likes it and you trust him then you can't really stop him.

shewept · 25/04/2015 07:01

Wow, definitely bu. For so many reasons.

I would imagine you are bothered because you clearly judge people who like to do this. It makes you uncomfortable to know he likes this too. He is 27 and can enjoy what he wants and since he doesn't live with you it's up to home whether he gets completely shut faced.

I don't think the problem is with him clubbing. The problem is your lack of understanding that its ok for people to do things you don't like. Not everyone is the same and that's good. He isn't ditching you to go, you aren't clearing up his sick or carrying him to bed, you trust him. End of.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/04/2015 07:01

The crux of the matter seems to me to be that you are worried he isn't fully committed to you because in your view this is a "single guy" thing to do. If he acts committed in every other way I don't think you should worry. You are maybe a bit insecure and worried he will meet someone else I think. Maybe you could talk to him and be reassured. Or else you just have to go with it..if he is going to stray he would do it anyway even without clubbing.

I believe this is the heart of it, not all the nonsense about you being controlling that people have said. you didn't stop him, just felt upset.

NurseRoscoe · 25/04/2015 07:05

It's unreasonable yes but I know how you feel. I don't really know why either. I know it feels awful to dread it as you feel guilty and frustrated at yourself for feeling like it. I think for me it's hangovers I can't stand in other people, I feel ill a lot of the time as I'm constantly anaemic and am just expected to get on with it, same as lots of people I've met with more severe conditions so it annoys me that someone gets to go out, have fun, spend loads of money then lay in bed all day wasting a day off moaning and expecting sympathy. I wouldn't care if he didn't drink much, so it's probably that for me

Tiredemma · 25/04/2015 07:09

LOL @ aged 27 and too old to be out.

chrome100 · 25/04/2015 08:06

I'm 33 and still go clubbing from time to time.

I don't go to pull, I love the music and dancing. And sometimes I come back really late. It would be a huge deal breaker if my partner accused me of all sorts and had a go at me for indulging in a hobby. YABVU.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 25/04/2015 08:12

She isn't having a go at him. Nor is her post a huge attack on people who go clubbing in general. She was just wanting to explore some feelings she had which she knew were probably a bit unreasonable.

Branleuse · 25/04/2015 08:18

I dont really fully understand why people dont just want to go to bed early with a cup of barleycup each night, but most people arent me

mummypig14 · 25/04/2015 08:20

I think the posters in their 40's and 50's saying they still go 'clubbing' are not really referring to the same sort of atmosphere as a club that people in their twenties go to. I've certainly not seen anyone 40+ in anywhere I've been recently.

Even though I love a drink and dance, I dislike my DP going out without me. Even if you are going there just for that, you can't ignore the fact a lot of people are there to meet someone. I prefer going with DP anyway Smile I don't understand why the OP's DP would want to put himself in a club situation without his Partner.

Golferman · 25/04/2015 08:21

Blimey, I don't go clubbing in UK (but I do enjoy a casino). I do when I'm abroad travelling on business and I'm 62.....

mummypig14 · 25/04/2015 08:22

Oh just to add, the only thing that annoys me about clubbing is the cost. £6.50 for a WKD. Thanks London Hmm

CactusAnnie · 25/04/2015 08:23

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Doubtfuldaphne · 25/04/2015 08:40

OP, everyone's different. I don't drink and because we have children I don't go out late because I wouldn't be able to handle the tiredness that would follow. I hate being around drunk people and find pubs and clubs really boring.
However, offer me a comedy night and dinner out and I'm there.
Maybe you're just mis matched but that doesn't mean you can't be a couple. As long as you both accept you like different things.
My Dh loves a drink and a party. I do think it's a bit irresponsible if he wants to stay away from home on someone's floor as we have children but it's his choice and he's entitled to his idea of fun. As long as you both do stuff together you both enjoy aswell, there shouldn't be a big problem.

usualsuspect333 · 25/04/2015 08:49

The only disgusting posts on here are the OPs.