TRANSPORT:
To prevent irritating stone chips hitting your car, motorways will be vacuumed twice a day.
HEALTH:
Laughter truly is the best medicine, it will be compulsory that all hospitals appoints it's very own Clown Doctor.
Obesity
iPads, smartphones, X-boxes etc will come with a slot meter to reduce the amount of time kids are glued to these gadgets Once they've run out of money they can play outside to get fitter playing sport; this will end childhood obesity.
All lip balm will be made with super glue.
Reforming Parliament
We're going to replace all sleeping policemen with members of the House of Lords
Education
You will be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take
Taller buildings will be built for higher education.
Institute English, Vulcan and illiteracy as Britain's three main languages.
Immigration
We propose placing giant photos of "celebrities" such as Russell Brand, Katie Hopkins and Jeremy Clarkson at all UK entry points. This will put anyone off from staying for longer than is strictly necessary.
TV Debates
All participants in the TV debates will be linked to a lie detector machine and will also be made to wear suits colour-coded to their party. David Cameron will be in a sober looking midnight blue suit. Ed Miliband would wear a pillar-box red suit, Nick Clegg would be in canary yellow, the Green Party’s Natalie Bennett would be in bilious green and Nigel Farage would wear the purple-and-yellow stripes of a seaside entertainer. This solution will allow viewers to easily differentiate the parties without reference to their confusingly similar boring policies.
Working Life
We propose 8 hours of spare time, 8 hours of rest and 8 hours of sleep every day.
Defence
We shall leave bottles of beer on all the beaches so that any invading army would abandon its attack and get drunk and the resulting broken bottles would prevent any further advance...
Green Policy
We advocate giving trees and other major features of the environment legal standing. Native trees should be given the option to vote in their country of origin. Both male and female trees (and LGBT or course) and shrubs will be given new rights.
Transport
We will reduce the speed of light to 100 miles per hour on motorways and 50MPH in towns and cities. This will keep everyone enlightened because they will be able to keep up.
Our Other Policies....
All U-Kippers will be served Jugged for breakfast
We promIse a free holiday to the Bahamas for everyone who votes for us, we're very honest party.
All swimming pools will be drained once a week for all non-swimmers, free towels will be provided.
We'll nationalise paid for public toilets so they're free to use.
The national debt with will be paid off with credit cards
We'll nationalise crime to make sure it doesn't pay.
A statue of our spiritual leader, Screaming Lord Sutch, will be erected in Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors in honour of the legendary pioneer of Horror Rock Music.
We will hold a referendum on the withdrawal of the EU from Nigel Farage
15% off of phone bills for people who stutter.
Discarded chewing gum that blights our streets will be used to fill in all the potty holes on our roads.