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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have excluded this friend from our travel plans?

142 replies

HourOrTwo · 21/04/2015 16:23

I'm going on a tiger-spotting safari holiday for 3 weeks with a close friend. Our other close friend just found out and is very upset we didn't invite her. For many years the 3 of us talked about going on a tiger safari together, but it was more a pipe-dream.

Reason we didn't invite her is she's been very unreliable the last couple of years. She often says she'll visit for weekend, arranges dates etc then at last minute says she can't afford it and backs out. She's always been hard up and for years I helped her out with money, e.g. paying for her train tickets, giving her money towards group trips, paying her share of meals out etc. I didn't mind back then as she was a student and i was working, but for the last 2 years she's had a full-time job. Nearly every time she's been due to visit, she phoned me the day before and said she couldn't afford the train fare, or she wanted to come but wouldn't have any money for taxi or going out. The first time I said come anyway, I sent her money for train, paid for everything etc. Second time I didn't offer to pay, she didn't ask, she said she couldn't come.

We've been friends since we were 8 years old, she's more like a sister than a friend, but I got fed-up of feeling used. A couple of times she'd claimed she had no money, she'd then go clothes shopping in front of me, or tell me about something she'd recently bought! Since I stopped offering to pay for her, she has stopped visiting altogether. I can't go to her as she lives in a shared house and I'd have to get a B+B, which is too much hassle and expense. I miss her and we talk on the phone often, and if she paid for herself at least sometimes I wouldn't mind helping her with travel costs at other times.

Anyway, she is furious and very hurt we are going on this holiday without her. I feel awful but its booked now. I pointed out she always says she can't afford train fares or meals out, so how would she have afforded this, but she says she would have saved up. AIBU?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 21/04/2015 16:25

Tell her she can come, she can book it all herself and that you will be delighted to see her there.

Do not book or lend her money for the deposit!

Bicarb · 21/04/2015 16:27

If this was a trip everyone paid for individually and you weren't reliant on her to pay her share then I think YBU not to at least give her the opportunity to come. If it was a group trip and you'd have been reliant on her ponying up the money then YNBU.

nickersinaknot · 21/04/2015 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kissmethere · 21/04/2015 16:34

Yabu but kind of understandably. She should really have been asked regardless as its been in the pipeline for years, just have the unspoken rule that lending any money is out of the question. If it came up then it's a "no" . To cut her out is hurtful.

Grapejuicerocks · 21/04/2015 16:38

If you don't mind her coming then say, "fine - book it and come with us."

She won't.

mangoespadrille · 21/04/2015 16:39

Even if she'd been asked, booked and paid for herself I imagine OP would spend the entire trip on edge, waiting for her "friend" to offer to pay for a drink, meal etc., starting at the airport. I imagine she would "forget" her travel money.

DinosaursRoar · 21/04/2015 16:40

If she really is more like a sister, then give her the details, if she can afford it, she can book to join you, but you aren't going to do it for her.

It sounds like you are going soon and she would have had to either been subsidised by one or both of you, or make you all delay the trip until she could afford it (another year? More?).

If it's still got places available, let her know she'd be welcome, but you genuinely didn't think she'd be able to afford to go, I she can, great.

Grapejuicerocks · 21/04/2015 16:40

Well perhaps say the above but say that she'd better save spending money too, as you won't have any spare.

hidingfromthem · 21/04/2015 16:42

YANBU.
tell her she's welcome to come along.
give her all the necessary details so that she can book her holiday and also pay her own way.
she sounds like a freeloader.
i'd hate to go on holiday with someone like that.

mistybluebellwoods · 21/04/2015 16:43

I think it would have been polite to have involved her in the booking but to have said 'we need to book and pay by X date' and then see if she has the money.

I understand your frustration but sometimes being invited to something, even if you know it would be difficult for someone to attend, is the polite and kind thing to do.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/04/2015 16:44

I would give her the details and tell her to book it herself. Yanbu at this flakey friend. Bet she won't.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/04/2015 16:46

But op has enough if being used, it sounded like tge friendship had changed, so op was well within her rights not to include her other 'friend'.

mistybluebellwoods · 21/04/2015 16:47

Of course, but she describes her as a 'close friend.'

The friend in question has behaved badly, no doubt about that, but just the same I am sympathetic as to how hurt I would be if I found out a dream trip I had talked about for years with two friends had been booked by them.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/04/2015 16:50

In that case they should book separately, each paying their way.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 21/04/2015 16:50

Just point out that no offence was intended but ultimately if she cant afford a train or taxi fare or a round of drinks then it is unlikely she will afford a three week safari which I am assuming is going to cost thousands. If however says she can afford it give her the details and let her sort it out herself.

ThreadKilla · 21/04/2015 16:52

Never nice to be NFI (Not fucking invited) let alone by a friend who is like a sister! But she does sound difficult!

rookiemere · 21/04/2015 16:53

I agree with misty. Whilst I understand your reasons for doing it, not mentioning the trip to her was cruel.

You should have told her about it, but say that you understood because of her financial position she might not be able to come and also stress how you were using all of your spare funds to do this ( hence could not subsidise her).

I'm not surprised she is hurt, but equally I can see why you didn't want her coming in case you had to subsidise her.

mistybluebellwoods · 21/04/2015 16:53

I agree, but this could have been done whilst still letting the friend know. I certainly wouldn't pay for her, even with an agreement for the OP to pay and the friend to give the money to her and nor would I expect the op to - but, it is not hard to see how this would be very distressing to the friend in question.

Theknacktoflying · 21/04/2015 16:57

How would you have felt if you were in her place?

You have enabled her to act the way she has, and then to go ahead and book a trip without giving her an option is mean.

I know why, but still ....

Straycatblue · 21/04/2015 16:59

For many years the 3 of us talked about going on a tiger safari together

So the three of you talked about it for years as a dream and you didnt even ask her to if she wanted to come? No wonder shes upset. You have behaved badly by excluding her. How did you think she would feel?

If money was a potential problem then you could easily addressed it by saying we are going on XX date, put your money into an account by such time if you want to come.

How would you feel if the excluded friend and the other friend you are going on safari with had booked the tiger safari the two of them together and hadnt bothered to invite you?

Aeroflotgirl · 21/04/2015 17:00

I guess it was not handled that well, op should have been open with her, if they are really close, and told her that you don't expect to come as she is short of funds, but will give her the details so she can book it herself, if she can afford it.

maudpringles · 21/04/2015 17:00

A group of us have a flaky one and we booked a weekend away without asking ( after many years of being let down at the last moment)
well all hell broke loose so I amended the booking to include her, changed travel times to suit etc etc and yes, on the night before something came up and alas she couldn't make it Angry
No more chances now.
Carry on with your trip, honestly, she will never make it.

nickersinaknot · 21/04/2015 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunar1 · 21/04/2015 17:02

I think if it was any other trip then fair enough, but because it is what you have been talking about for years you have been pretty mean to not give her the opportunity to go. Maybe she would have saved. I don't think you should have financed it though.

WhoNickedMyName · 21/04/2015 17:04

YANBU.

Let's face it, even if she did stump up the cash to come, she'd undoubtedly be crying poverty about 3 days into the holiday and you'd end up having to either fund her or leave her out of meals out, trips, etc. you haven't seen her since you stopped coughing up for the pleasure of her company, she sounds like a complete freeloading user.