Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have excluded this friend from our travel plans?

142 replies

HourOrTwo · 21/04/2015 16:23

I'm going on a tiger-spotting safari holiday for 3 weeks with a close friend. Our other close friend just found out and is very upset we didn't invite her. For many years the 3 of us talked about going on a tiger safari together, but it was more a pipe-dream.

Reason we didn't invite her is she's been very unreliable the last couple of years. She often says she'll visit for weekend, arranges dates etc then at last minute says she can't afford it and backs out. She's always been hard up and for years I helped her out with money, e.g. paying for her train tickets, giving her money towards group trips, paying her share of meals out etc. I didn't mind back then as she was a student and i was working, but for the last 2 years she's had a full-time job. Nearly every time she's been due to visit, she phoned me the day before and said she couldn't afford the train fare, or she wanted to come but wouldn't have any money for taxi or going out. The first time I said come anyway, I sent her money for train, paid for everything etc. Second time I didn't offer to pay, she didn't ask, she said she couldn't come.

We've been friends since we were 8 years old, she's more like a sister than a friend, but I got fed-up of feeling used. A couple of times she'd claimed she had no money, she'd then go clothes shopping in front of me, or tell me about something she'd recently bought! Since I stopped offering to pay for her, she has stopped visiting altogether. I can't go to her as she lives in a shared house and I'd have to get a B+B, which is too much hassle and expense. I miss her and we talk on the phone often, and if she paid for herself at least sometimes I wouldn't mind helping her with travel costs at other times.

Anyway, she is furious and very hurt we are going on this holiday without her. I feel awful but its booked now. I pointed out she always says she can't afford train fares or meals out, so how would she have afforded this, but she says she would have saved up. AIBU?

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 22/04/2015 13:24

Aeroflotgirl Yes, because only by being the friend can I see that the op is BU!! [eyeroll]

OP said it is too much hassle to visit friend. I don't see where she said she stayed with her friend, only "she could...but"

differentnameforthis · 22/04/2015 13:25

And no, I am not, I live in Oz & the thought of a Tiger Safari bores the pants off me!

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2015 13:25

Yes I do agree with that different, op should have put a stop to this ages ago, which might also have meant ending the 'friendship', op should never subbed her, but friend also has to take responsibility for her actions, she is an adult, and can say, no I cannot afford it. I have done that, I would never have expected anybody to sub me. Op has been too soft, bit of a coward, mabey does not like confrontation. But now she will have to talk to her friend, and explain herself and her reasons for not inviting her, and stand strongly by her convictions and not get all soft and gooey.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2015 13:26

In her last post she has mentioned that she used to stay with her friend.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2015 13:28

OP has also said in her last post, that she used to invite her out to concerts, and trips, but used to be let down at the last minute, or have to sub her friend.

differentnameforthis · 22/04/2015 13:28

So the op friend didn't have to try to save for visits.

lucycant · 22/04/2015 13:31

I think you should have invited her, and all booked the trip individually. No paying for her. And if she did book, make it clear beforehand that you only have enough money for yourself, and can't afford to buy her drinks when away.

differentnameforthis · 22/04/2015 13:33

We still met up regularly these 3 years, meeting in her area for days out when I went home to my parents, and her travelling to see me

Unless I am missing it, that is all I can see about her visiting friend...and even then, she only met up when visiting parents!

Like I said, op has enabled this..I can understand it would be annoying to have someone saying they have no money, but they will only do it while they can get something out of it. If op put her foot down, stopped bailing her out, then the friend would have said she can't come in advance, or had enough money.

But regardless of that, the friend should have been given the choice to say yes or no.

TheOneWiththeNicestSmile · 22/04/2015 13:41

Whilst I totally understand you not wanting to finance her any longer, I dintbthink it's fair you saying that you won't go to her as it's too expensive and too much trouble. Certainly not fair expecting her to always have the expense of coming to you. That stuck out for me too. I was always the one to go a friends house & it really annoyed me that she couldn't make the effort to come to me.

Seriously, does no one else think it is taking the piss to expect someone to visit EVERY TIME and not share the travelling? B&Bs can be dirt cheap at certain times of year, and op says it is 'too much hassle' nice... not to mention when friends did house shares, they always managed to find a space for some one to bunk down...usually sharing bed/giving friend bed & sleeping on sofa etc. It isn't too hard if you really want to visit with someone.

but staying in a B&B isn't just about the money, is it? It means taking yourself off at bedtime after whatever you've done during the evening & however tired and/or pissed you are. Bunking down (where?) in a house full of people, possibly rowdy, who might not be wanting to go to bed yet isn't at all the same as bunking down in a private house. (I've probably put that badly but I know what I mean. You grow out of the bunking down mindset as you get older!)

lucycant · 22/04/2015 13:41

I agree as well that it feels devaluing as a friend if you are the one who si always travelling to visit another friend, and she never comes to see you. You should have visited her OP. You are both to blame here.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 22/04/2015 13:41

"Are you the friend adifferentusername, sound like you might be. Only on Mumsnet, in real life, this behaviour would not be tolerated."

Indeed Aeroflot

I want some of what differentnameforthis is on!

Icimoi · 22/04/2015 13:48

Differentname, you seem to have missed the bit where OP explained that she paid for most of her friend's travel costs when she came to visit, plus paying for everything for her during the visits.

I can see where you're coming from Aeroflot but would have really been any skin off the OP's nose to have at least spoken to skint friend about it before booking a holiday that they'd all talked about wanting to go on? The OP could have made it very clear that there would be no lending, subsidising or treating, and even gone so far as to say that they were each booking separately, so skint friend would have been totally responsible for her own costs.

The trouble with that, Wizard, is the issue raised upthread - what is OP supposed to do when they arrive at the hotel and, oh dear, it appears that the friend's payment has unaccountably not gone through, she doesn't have enough money available to pay for the room, and she has nowhere to sleep? Yes, OP can say to her "Well, you knew the conditions, I suggest you go back home or go out and sleep rough", but we all know (and friend knows) that OP isn't going to do that.

lucycant · 22/04/2015 13:52

Icimoi - If you book a safari holiday, it is usually a package, so that wouldn't happen.

I have stopped visiting friends where I was always the one making the effort.

CaspianSea · 22/04/2015 13:57

'You couldn't be bothered to put yourself out to see her. So you paid for her to save you the "inconvenience."'

Was it about inconvenience though? I got impression OP could not afford several nights in a B&B on top of train fares (and on top of paying most of friend's train fares!) Friend was not able to offer OP suitable accommodation so it would be expensive trip for OP. I would not want to sleep in a living room in a house with 8 students either- it sounds awful. If friend chose to live like this she couldn't very well expect guests to stay overnight. So it made sense for friend to travel to OP, who offered to split cost of travel to make it fair.

Yet OP ended up paying ALL friend's travel expenses for 2 years! Friend also expected her to pay for meals, drinks and excursions. Who would visit a friend then expect friend to pay for everything? It's rude and grabby.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2015 14:00

How about friend saying to op, look I would like you to travel to see me, as I seem to be the one going to see you all the time. How about friend taking responsibility for herself. She has not! Op knows what would happen, as she has previously invited friend along to other things, she will say yes yes she can go, then suddenly change her mind. Yes to each person going to the travel agent or travel site and paying separately. What's the point though if op friend, will change her mind, as she has done on many occasion, just an extra hassle you do not need.

Op do you want to still be friends with her, or were you distancing yourself from her anyway.

lucycant · 22/04/2015 14:04

That is why they are both to blame.

And I would kip down in a living room in a shared house to see a valued friend.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 22/04/2015 14:05

Unreal!

So now the OP is an 'enabler' for spending years forking out for a friend who has normalised being skint at opportune moments in order avoid paying her way. Most normal people dont like confrontation, or putting their foot down or setting the record straight, especially when it comes to money, its easier to ignore or take the path of least resistance, and it is the latter reasons that freeloaders like the friend use to take advantage of people. These freeloaders know that the average person is not going to eat a meal or have drink while their friend goes without, they know that pulling out of an organised event at the last minute citing lack of funds will probably result in the other attendees covering the cost. Just seems that on this occasion the OPs mate has overplayed her hand one too many times which has resulted in caution and eventual non-inclusion on a dream holiday.

differentnameforthis · 22/04/2015 14:09

you seem to have missed the bit where OP explained that she paid for most of her friend's travel costs when she came to visit, plus paying for everything for her during the visits. Nope, haven't missed it, I have also seen where op says she pays for her friend train ticket so she doesn't have the 'hassle' of visiting her!

And just because you don't agree with me, or don't like my opinion it doesn't give you the right to be rude to me "are you the friend" (because someone who isn't the friend can't POSSIBLY think this is wrong ON BOTH SIDES) or that I must be on something because I call bullshit on the ops behaviour.

differentnameforthis · 22/04/2015 14:11

And I would kip down in a living room in a shared house to see a valued friend. Snap! And I have done! Did so recently in fact while visiting friends abroad, with dh & 2 kids! And it was fabulous fun! You don't grow out of doing things for friends, I am 40 & had a blast sharing a 2 bed flat with 7 other people!

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2015 14:12

Lucy,you would but not everyone feels comfortable in that situation, op might have health problems or feel weary around strangers, and that is fine. Op had her own place, so it was more comfortable for friend to stay with her. I totally agree panG, well said. You treat mates like this, you have consequences. So you people who side with usermate, would you be happy to be used for a supposidly good friend. Would you be so confident to confront them, or talk to them, or stop enabling them. Not all people do well with confrontation, and op is on here asking our opinion, as she I think does not. I personally would have been confident telling my friend the reasons as to why we did not invite her on holiday, and would stand by my convictions.

I have a good friend who holidays a lot, I am skint, she goes on holidays with mates that can afford it, she has never asked me, as I cannot, I don't feel bad that she doesent. We are mates, and I totally understand.

differentnameforthis · 22/04/2015 14:14

How about friend saying to op, look I would like you to travel to see me, as I seem to be the one going to see you all the time. How about friend taking responsibility for herself. She has not!

Oh the irony!!! How about the op said "look, I can't afford to keep paying for you" How about the op taking responsibility for herself? She has not. Just blamed friend for constantly taking what is offered.

lucycant · 22/04/2015 14:16

Friendship is a two way street. Neither the OP or her friend have behaved well.

Aeroflotgroup - I am disabled, I much prefer having my own bedroom. But I also value friends and will put up with sleeping on the floor, or on sofas to see good friends. I know not everyone values friends and only see friends if it doesn't put them out. That is fine, their choice. But I don't want friends like that.

differentnameforthis · 22/04/2015 14:16

I have a good friend who holidays a lot, I am skint, she goes on holidays with mates that can afford it, she has never asked me, as I cannot, I don't feel bad that she doesent. We are mates, and I totally understand.

Have any of these holidays been discussed for several years, as holiday of a lifetime/dream holiday?

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2015 14:20

No, they have not, but I totally understand times have changed, like relationships, they change, op friend has proved that is is a manipulative user, as a result, this does no longer stand. Op was well within her rights not to include her in her current holiday plans considering past behaviour, it sounded like the friendship was fizzling out anyway. Both of them did not sound invested in the friendship. I am surprised friend feels the way she does tbh.

fermerswife · 22/04/2015 14:23

I understand that this friend is "annoying" but you do say that you discussed this DREAM holiday for years and that you still talk to each other often. Also most of the examples you've given seem to be from when she was a student and probably was genuinely skint.

So even though she was a bit of a pain I do think you have been under-handed by not mentioning it to her. The proper way to deal with it would have been to say friend x and I have been talking and we really want to go on that safari we always talked about - would you like to come. Now you'd have to understand that I wouldn't be able to subsidise you in any way so you'd need to have x budget if you wanted to do everything we have planned.

To not even mention it to her and let her find out from someone else is all a bit high school. And to be honest if I was her I'd feel really let down and upset about it.