Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU over photos of kids?

359 replies

slithytove · 21/04/2015 15:58

My sister takes a lot of photos of my kids, proper ones on film.

I asked her today if I could copy her negatives so I could have the photos too.

She said no, they were her property and special to her and she didn't just want to share them.

All true and fair I guess, but I feel a bit sad actually that there are pics I can't own (some have me in) or potentially even see. Some of these are photos I've asked her to take when my camera (digital) has been out of use.

My really petty side wants to prevent her taking photos of me and my children if she isn't willing to let me pay for a copy of the pics.

I feel a bit shit, who is bu?

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 26/06/2015 23:06

I would only say yes if she gives you the photos she already took, particularly those in the early days of your childrens' lives.

If she didn't, absolutely no more photos (and I wouldn't see her much either).

littlejohnnydory · 26/06/2015 23:31

I posted my last comment before yours appeared, OP. I'd get photos from her first but then probably agree as long as she isn't goi ng to hold them over you again. If she does, photographer privileges withdrawn.

TwerkingSpinster · 27/06/2015 07:18

Say yes, get the photos....but then I'd still be wary of letting her take any photos of precious moments. I'm glad she's decided to share, it was cruel to withhold such treasured memories from their actual owner! (Of the memories, if not the photo)

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/06/2015 07:47

I'd demand copies of the previous photos first. Then strictly limit photo opportunities. And for heaven's sake, make sure your camera is available for you to take your own pictures from now on, instead of asking her to take them for you with her camera - that's just asking for a repeat performance of all this nonsense.

CainInThePunting · 27/06/2015 07:58

Don't stop her taking photos of your kids, that will make you look petty and out of order infront of others and will not get them on your side.
Just keep raising it politely and reasonably in infront of family, keep asking her to share the photos, go on and on and on about it until other family see how unreasonably she is behaving and also begin to ask why she won't share the photos.
Don't row with her about it, just wear her down.

She is being massively unreasonably so you must be the opposite to get everyone to back you up.

That's how I would skin this particular cat.

CainInThePunting · 27/06/2015 08:02

Being massively unreasonably, think I got confused there.
Either behaving massively unreasonably or being massively unreasonable.
Neither are fabulous examples of grammar.

diddl · 27/06/2015 08:03

Why do you feel bad?

If I've understood, you asked her to take certain photos for you & she hasn't given you those.

That's not on.

Is saying yes the only way to get them?

How badly do you want them?

I'd be tempted to say no tbh to stop her calling the shots.

TendonQueen · 27/06/2015 08:03

Say you'd like to see and get copies of the back catalogue first. If not, no more invites round and tell your family why.

Teacherinatutu · 27/06/2015 08:05

Get the photos before letting her take any more!!

CainInThePunting · 27/06/2015 08:16

I'm sorry, I'd just been scanning unanswered and forgot I'd moved to active threads. Didn't notice 9 pages. Blush
You could still change tactic and try the very reasonable wearing down of her though...?

Icimoi · 27/06/2015 08:38

What does she mean by saying she will share photos? If it's just "allow you to look at them" it's not that much of a promise. If she means "give you copies", fine.

AlpacaPicnic · 27/06/2015 08:44

I think you need to explain your feelings to her... This is not just about the photos, this is about her behaviour to you. Controlling, bullying almost, then the tantrums and the 'I hate you' texts when you had the audacity to try and challenge her.

Make it about your feelings. 'I feel sad that you refuse to let me see a picture of my newborn baby' 'I feel hurt that you use our mother against me'
all 'I feel' sentences.
But I would be very wary of just letting things get back to the way they were, until she at least acknowledged your feelings in all this. You can acknowledge hers as well, that you know how special her photography is (but photography does not compare to a baby!)

DamsonInDistress · 27/06/2015 08:55

I'd now no qualms whatsoever in saying yes to get her sharing the back catalogue with you, getting the copies you want, and then forbidding future pictures anyway. I'd then start reducing contact too. She is unbalanced and not beneficial to you or your family.

ShuShuFontana · 27/06/2015 09:04

do you think your parents have had a word and told her to stop being ridiculous?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/06/2015 09:25

I have to admit I was wondering if she was using those pictures in a separate place pretending they were her children as well. Just odd.

diddl · 27/06/2015 10:32

How about getting the pics you want & then tell her that she can't take pics of your kids, you will & will let her have copies of some of what you take.

Unless they are too special to share...

See what she makes of that!!

How bothered are you about seeing her in future?

gotthemoononastick · 27/06/2015 11:07

No advice OP!I don't think you are being' weird',though.

This is why I read threads on here!Drama,intrigue,mystery, envy, spite,wonder,empathy...all here better than a play!

The alter ego thing( is this even legal) has left this naïve old poster slack-jawed and better educated.

TendonQueen · 27/06/2015 11:09

I've read more of the thread now and she's being batshit. Stand firm. No more photos and no more contact until you get at least a selection of good ones from those she has previously taken of your kids. If your mum wades in, repeat as many times as necessary 'I'm not going to be the bad guy here again. She is being odd and unreasonable and I'm having no more said until she realises that".

FryOneFatManic · 27/06/2015 11:09

If you do manage to get copies of photos, especially good ones, would it be possible to reverse google the photos? To see if in fact they have been put up somewhere?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 27/06/2015 12:05

I would try doing the google for any images that she has already given you, just on the off chance. Curiouser and curiouser.

Original poster
slithytove · 27/06/2015 16:01

Sorry for not replying, I've been on a long and hellish plane journey. I haven't replied to her yet and will give it some more thought before I do. I think asking for previous photos first, and then seeing how we get on is a good idea.

I will image search pics if and when I get any.

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 27/06/2015 17:09

You're both weird and controlling about it. Her about her photography and you because you have issues about other people having images of your family.
You don't own your or their images, you have no control over any of that. You can't stop people taking photos and you can't make them give you copies if you don't want to.
She's precious and controlling about it. There's the pair of you in it.

coconutpie · 27/06/2015 17:27

I would ask for the back catalogue of pics first (if needs be, say yes she can take more photos at future events to ensure you get the pics) and then once you have said pics in your possession, I would tell her no, she cannot take anymore photos of your children. Sorry but this whole thing is just too weird and I think you should probably limit contact between your DC and her.

OhItsYouAgain · 27/06/2015 17:57

OP, why is she so obsessed with being able to take future pictures of your children? Her response seems almost scared that she won't be able to. I thought it unlikely when pp said she was pretending they were her children but now I'm not so sure!! Confused

NobodyLivesHere · 27/06/2015 18:29

I'd imagine because she gets real joy and pleasure from taking these photos. She already said that it's a big deal to her. I think you are both a bit ott about it, but on balance she is the more unreasonable.