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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU over photos of kids?

359 replies

slithytove · 21/04/2015 15:58

My sister takes a lot of photos of my kids, proper ones on film.

I asked her today if I could copy her negatives so I could have the photos too.

She said no, they were her property and special to her and she didn't just want to share them.

All true and fair I guess, but I feel a bit sad actually that there are pics I can't own (some have me in) or potentially even see. Some of these are photos I've asked her to take when my camera (digital) has been out of use.

My really petty side wants to prevent her taking photos of me and my children if she isn't willing to let me pay for a copy of the pics.

I feel a bit shit, who is bu?

OP posts:
DragonWithAGirlTattoo · 18/06/2015 14:37

but the OP isnt even allowed to see some/the best of them, its controllign and twatish behavour!

Noodledoodledoo · 18/06/2015 14:43

In that case Slithytove I would say she isn't allowed to take pictures of you she isn't prepared to share.

I know you say your mum would side with her but have you had a conversationwith your mum (away from a time any discussions between you and your sister are happening) about what her thoughts are?

DorisLessingsCat · 18/06/2015 14:58

The only reasonable response is;"

"Dear Sister,

Are you on glue?

Love, Slithy"

manicinsomniac · 18/06/2015 15:12

Mostly I think YANBU and your sister does sound rather extreme (is she ok, generally? All the 'you hate me' stuff sounds like she's having some issues!)

However, a little bit of can see where your sister is coming from.

I can remember helping clear my grandma's house after she died and finding albums full of photos I'd never seen before. Lots were of my sister and I between the ages of birth and about 12 and it was really amazing to go through all these memories that I'd all but forgotten. We had lots of pictures at home when I was growing up but it was still somehow special to see new and unseen ones.

Now we've got digital cameras and facebook etc our pictures are everywhere. There's not much there that's new or exciting, just yet another computer album full of little Molly eating breadsticks for the first time.

Maybe that's the angle your sister's going for. Maybe she sees a future of herself as the eccentric single aunt who dies leaving a house full of undiscovered treasures and memories?!?

Hmmm, that sounds weird too - maybe your sister and I would get on well in some kind of hoarder, misty eyed, sacred memory kind of way.

knittingbat · 18/06/2015 15:19

Since your children are so small, wouldn't you need to sign a release form before she had permission to use them?

knittingbat · 18/06/2015 15:21

Btw she sounds batshit and i would really hold firm on the no access to photos = no photos taken rule.

coconutpie · 18/06/2015 15:22

Your sister is fucking nuts. My first thought is that there is a hidden agenda here - someone else mentioned it up the thread, is she using some sort of alter-persona online and pretending they are her children? What a fucking weirdo. I would tell her one final time "give me the photos of my children, please" and then I would ban her from taking any further photos of your children ever again. Honestly she sounds like an absolute freak.

coconutpie · 18/06/2015 15:24

Oh and your response to her batshit email I would say "are you fucking insane? Give me the photos of MY children NOW. It is extremely inappropriate that you are withholding images of MY children from me".

PoppyField · 18/06/2015 15:35

Nuts! Totally nuts. Don't get sidetracked on the 'You hate me!' trail. Blimey.

Yarp · 18/06/2015 16:15

This is not about your children, it's about her and you. She is really really struggling - jealous, competitive, unhappy.

Original poster
slithytove · 18/06/2015 17:19

Thing is, I know I'm lucky to have my kids. My eldest died so I probably have a deeper understanding than some. But that's about it. I don't lead a charmed life, don't have more money, and from what I can gather, my sister leads the life she wants to lead. Nor has she been particularly controlling in the past. Not single btw.

She isn't big online so I would be surprised if she had an alter persona. I wouldn't however be surprised if she was being proprietary over the pics of the kids in her role as aunt. But she could still do that even if I had seen and had copies of them, I wouldn't want to share them on her behalf.

Mum and I discussed it at the time and she thought my sister was being unreasonable, but I had to be the bigger person and let it go. I'm not so good at that, as you can see this still gets to me 2 months later. So she will be cross I've started it again, upset my sister, and been petty in banning future photos.

OP posts:
SoldierBear · 18/06/2015 17:44

You aren't being petty, but it sounds as if your DM colluded with DSis in making everyone indulge her. Why does it matter less to your DM that her behaviour is upsetting you?
DSis is definitely unreasonable with her attitude, and very selfish. What could be more natural than for a parent to want to see photos of their DC and get copies of the good ones?
The latest email is the text equivalent of a toddler tantrum, so treat it like that. Don't engage with her "everybody hates me" rant because she wil only drag you further down. Whether it not she is having some sort if crisis or just cannot deal with you finally challenging her control issues, it is for her to sort out. Neither excuses her text to you which is calculatedly nasty and designed to hurt while at the sane time painting herself as a victim. Until she can accept her part in this, stay clear

Yarp · 18/06/2015 18:35

I agree SoldierBear

It's so extreme, that to me it seems she might be having some sort of crisis

op

You can't make this better for her - you aren't in the wrong

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 18/06/2015 19:26

If this was a one-off or fairly rare request, then declining the request for a copy of a nice photo seems weird. Not printing a double set when you've forgotten your camera and specifically asked in advance seems weird too, especially if they agreed to do it.

However, if you make her get copies all of the time after she's had them developed and she has to run around sorting this out because she wants to keep the negatives safe, I could see how that would get annoying quickly too. Equally, expecting someone to always print double sets on every occasion photos are taken - even if you pay - comes across as weird too, I've never known anyone do this either.

Banning her taking anymore family snaps is weird to me.

My MIL takes lots of photos of the children and us when we visit using disposable cameras as she is in her seventies and 'doesn't do technology'. Sometimes I see them, sometimes I don't. I feel no discomfort whatsoever about this so I am having a hard time relating to the ethos of 'I must see every photo ever taken of my children as it is my right', when those photos are just snaps taken in a family setting.

MummySparkle · 18/06/2015 19:36

maybe she's a shit photographer...

PHANTOMnamechanger · 18/06/2015 19:54

heck, she's crazy!

Clearly VERY jealous of you/your DC. She probably has to put up with hearing your parents go on about all the things DC are doing, and it hurts her.

She wants something of them for herself . she is proud of the fact that SHE has caught them in a gorgeous pose, a cute smile, doing something adorable and it is all about her. If she was just a normal auntie, proud of your DC and proud of her photography, she would be desperate to show you the photos, to share them with all the family and make you happy too!

It is all a bit 'hand that rocks the cradle' and I too would worry that she is using these photos to pass the kids off as hers somewhere. Thats probably not great to hear about your sister, but I really think you ought to consider it a possibility.

maxxytoe · 18/06/2015 20:04

You're either not telling the full story or your sister has lost the plot

Whattonamemyselfnow · 18/06/2015 20:11

She's looking for an argument . Some people

waterrat · 18/06/2015 20:40

Sorry but I think you sound quite neurotic OP ...If my sister got stressed about printing a copy of every photo I took I would find that weird

You made your old grandad copy his photos for you because of your own anxiety about photos existing that you don't OWN...weird

I think your sister has just got sick of your neurosis

JassyRadlett · 18/06/2015 21:30

OP sounds neurotic? Her sister refuses to show her, let alone let her have a copy of any photo she's taken of OP and her children. Because they are somehow too precious, and that if other eyes view them their special magic will somehow be taken away.

And OP is accused of being neurotic.

Frankly, if my sister were behaving like that, I might feel a little paranoid.

I think Phantom might have the right idea - this is about possessiveness and ownership of a part of the children that somehow isn't yours. It's not very pleasant.

formidable · 18/06/2015 21:34

Your sister is odd as fuck.

That's all I have to say about that...

BlackeyedSusan · 18/06/2015 21:42

yes she owns the copyrights but it is a bit odd that she does not give you any of the copies.

Original poster
slithytove · 19/06/2015 08:11

It's not a family setting. It's my home, me and my kids.

And over the years I've never had or asked for any copies of photos. Just the odd one doled out when it suited her. This only became an issue when I had children and asked for copies.

Also, if she DID want to give me copies, all she would have to do is get them put onto disc at the same time as getting them developed. And I'd pay for the disc. She wouldn't need to go to extra effort, if that was the issue, which I don't think it is.

And I am telling the full story. I'm as baffled as some as you. I knew she was weird, but not this weird. I just do not get it. I get the bluebell thing that tinkle spoke about, but not this. Imagine me doing this with someone's wedding video, or a friends kids? It would be truly barmy.

I didn't make grandad copy his photos. I asked and he was happy to. Thrilled in fact to know that the ohotos of his ancestors were shared, that he could share the stories behind them, thrilled that his photos brought pleasure.

And I've never wanted print copies.

OP posts:
Aladyinsane · 19/06/2015 08:25

Reply 'No I don't hate you but I don't see why you think your photography is more special and sacred than mine. If you don't want to share that's fine, but I won't be sharing any more of my photos either. '

PS. my theory is that she has a fake FB profile in which she's fobbing off your children as her own, hence not letting them get 'out there'! Ha ha!

GERTI · 19/06/2015 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.