Co-sleeping. Why?

[goodnessgraciousgouda]

Just to stress first off that this is not a thread to start a bun fight between people who do and don't co-sleep. It's not intended as a spiteful judgement of people who DO co-sleep.

It's just to try and understand why some people do it, as it's something that I literally cannot fathom.

I can understand co-sleeping for the first six months, as is recommended to prevent SID. I can understand people going a bit longer than that just to be on the safe side.

But why do some people co-sleep for YEARS on end? Is it when the child is a really bad sleeper generally? Or when there are underlying medical conditions?

Co-sleeping for long periods of time has always struck me as something which would completely override the relationship between the two parents. Which is why I'd be interested to know people's actual reasons for doing it (I'm not saying I'm right, it's just how I've always seen it).

I have tried looking at websites, but they have been so....unbearable. Almost like satire websites. I was hoping some people here might be able to explain it in less "hemp and kale" sort of terms.

*nothing weird about

OP your first assumption was correct in our case - it originates from having a bad sleeper. I'm the least lentil-weaving person you could imagine! Parents who haven't had a truly shocking one just don't understand this. Our DS didn't sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a stretch for a very, very long time and still at 2.5 he has never slept all the way through a night, the most he'll do now is about 5 hours.

It has come to feel very normal - to us, hearing that a child sleeps 7-7 without disturbing its parents is what sounds like science fiction.

When he was about 8 months old, I was a shadow of my former self - skin grey, about a stone lighter than before having him, memory shot to shit, patience non existent. It isn't sustainable to get out of bed every two hours for months on end so this is what we did to survive.

Now, he goes to sleep in his own bed, and will even fall asleep alone - making mincemeat of the theory that promoting 'good sleep habits' will make children sleep through - but he wakes every single night without fail and the quickest and most efficient thing to do is bring him into our bed. So he wakes up with us every morning.

If we had a second child and they didn't seem to NEED the constant contact, and were capable of sleeping long periods on their own, I'd leave them be! Co-sleeping is responding to MY PARTICULAR DS's (high!) needs.

I suspect the reason why some people co-sleep for years and I mean, years here, not just five or six is because there is something else going on in the family dynamic.

I have an old college friend who has four children and his wife refuses to stop co-sleeping with the children in the "family" bed. The eldest child is now eleven.

As there is no room in the "family bed", my friend sleeps in the spare room. He hasn't actually slept in the same bed as his wife for at least seven years -- and he works stupidly long hours and travels a lot for work. He is barely at home and when he is, he is relegated to the spare room as though he is some sort of lodger.

What appears to have happened is that his wife discovered attachment parenting and just went hell for leather and took the concepts to the extreme -- and I mean the extreme. When he suggested going away, just the two of them, for a nice dinner and an overnight stay in a hotel when some of the kids were on an overnight school trip and grandma had agreed to look after the other two, she basically threatened him with divorce for trying to "break the attachment" between her and the children.

He is very bitter about the entire situation. Their marriage appears to be pretty much beyond salvage. I suspect that as soon as the youngest gets to 18, he will file for divorce himself.

Personally, I see no problem with co-sleeping throughout infancy, and then very occasional co-sleeping up until about seven years old. From that age though, I do think that children need to feel comfortable with sleeping without mum or dad in the room, and do need to rely on their own resources.

I mean, even in traditional village cultures, parents would not sleep in the same bed as children about to go through puberty. If they only have one room, that's when they start putting curtains up to divide the space or separate the males and females into separate sleeping spaces.

We co slept with all three of ours, (including on and off with one of them as she got older).

I agree with many of the other co sleeping parents who have posted, but for us it was also a way of not needing a routine. We travelled a lot (we are musicians) when our kids were little and they would go to sleep anywhere, in any time zone, in any bed (or sitting around a table in a restaurant, or at a post concert party) as long as they had me there.

For us, the normal bedtime routine would have seriously interfered with our life, and our kids were very happy without it. They have grown up to be pretty flexible and adaptable people, though I certainly wouldn't assume that our brilliant co sleeping had anything to do with that!

I think some people just like it, and if it does them no harm then why not?

Personally, DW and I have never done it. DW would be open to it but isn't that bothered. I've always said no way, my bedroom is my sanctuary away from the little treasures and the thought of having to share my bed with them as well as everything else makes me shudder.

My DS is 13 months is usually happily sleeps in his cot but every now and then I will bring him into bed with me for various reasons.

I absolutely love sleeping with him. I love feeling him all cuddled up to me and how he holds onto my little finger all night. I love hearing his little snores and feeling him wriggle around as he tries to get comfortable, it's just so lovely. When I wake up and see his little sleepy face looking back at me and then grinning at me and kissing me when he realises I've woken up too is so precious. I just love it.

As had been said, our babies are only babies for such a short time and it's things like this that should be cherished.

Can't arsed to read the thread.
I co-slept with ds2 after being advised to by healthcare professionals because he would not sleep anywhere but on me. He only slept with my nipple in his mouth. There was nothing I could do to change that (I tried everything) so I co-slept. He also woke hourly so if I hadn't co-slept I wouldn't have been able to function getting up 10 times a night.
He co-slept fully until 14 months then spent half the night in my bed, half in his cot.
He's three now and chooses to sleep in his own bed. He still wakes once a night most nights but normally me going in and telling him it's time to sleep is enough to settle him.
He's was just a bad sleeper. That's all. I actually think co-sleeping has been really good for helping him learn to sleep on his own. He's very positive about sleep and bedtime which makes it easy for him to get to sleep.

My 7 year old has slept with me from 5 month old when he was ill and not moved out now moved to sleeping with his dad ! Tbh I have have been lazy and hold my hands up ! His sisters were in their own room by 6 months but he has been a quite difficult child albeit absolutely gorgeous ! ( food issues galore but that's a whole new thread and the Bain of my life .
I have visions of him coming home from the pub at 18 and getting into bed with one of us !! But ......... I think I may have had a break through !! Shock horror.... He announced 2 days ago he wanted his own room !!! So I have ordered a ton of army/camo bedding / curtains/ accessories and am excited to do it all up !!!
Then he turned to his dad and said ' you are still sleeping with me though ........... This is going to be fun ! Can see myself sleeping in lovely camo duvet surrounded by cargo nets and giant soldier/ helicopter wall art !!

My mother never co slept with any of us. Neither did we ever get up in the night and get in bed with our parents. Even now at the age of 40, I won't go into my mum's bedroom without asking her first. I'm due my first dc in October. I will be a sahm. My plans so far are to sleep in the baby's room. Not co sleep. Me in bed, baby in cot. DH is a light sleeper and as he's the one going off to work every day there's no way I'd a) turf him out of our bedroom or b) disturb his sleep all night and expect him to be able to concentrate on the drive to work, let alone the ten hours of work once he gets there.
I hopethink that'll work for us.

And when I say "bad sleeper" what I mean by that is just that he doesn't sleep in the way society expects babies to. I would consider him a normal sleeper who needs bit if reassurance when he wakes.
DS1 is a "good" sleeper and has never co-slept, he stirs and wakes just like everybody does but just drifts straight back off again. He's much more laid back than ds2.

Bet you can't understand other non-European cultural practices either.

As a PP said, it's not natural or desirable to sleep deeply in the dark for long hours on your own. Why would we have evolved that way? We'd have all been eaten by sabre tooth tigers! Putting a baby in it's own room is a very new practice. My F grew up as one of eight in a two bedroom cottage and I'm sure that was fairly typical until the 1960s/70s.

This is a good link about why babies don't sleep through the night

There are few pleasures comparable to snuggling up to your little ones in a cosy bed.

like most things on mumsnet there are many things I cant fathom and I am always surprised at the differing views. The reality is our own experiences form our opinions. I could not sleep with my DS in the bed, he also didnt sleep particularly well so it was never an option for us. For some people it clearly works and I guess its an easier option if it does.

Now the thing I cant fathom is the baby carrying trend - thats just weird.....

Evolution has changed a lot since sabre tooth tigers were a problem, there are loads of evolutionary changes that have happened as part of adapting to farming practices, sleeping long and deeply at night seems like a likely one.

Also, those groups who we have good knowledge of sleeping outdoors where there are dangerous animals, tend to just make barriers of thorns (e.g. a Masai Enkang) So I'm not sure tigers would preclude it.

Nothing wrong with co-sleeping, but using unknown evolutionary pushes to say it must be right is a stretch.

It's musical beds in our house. My 9 yr old will sleeps in his own bed but he just prefers having somone beside him. Husband is away a lot and there seems no reason to say he can't sleep with me then. Then husband is back and h might want to sleep with his dad. Hen the husband snores which I can't stand so I might go in with my son. Then sometimes I go upstairs and the husband, the 9yr old and the 12 yr old are all sleeing in our big SK. Every night is an adventure.

Beloved - you win the prize for the most needlessly antagonistic and pathetic comment. Congratulations.

Of course, I'm sure that you yourself understand every single non European practise, and support absolutely all of them without question.

'Baby carrying trend'??

Don't know about your experience of babies, but my experience is they like to be picked up and carried. Carriers make it easier. What's weird about it? I can understand why some people don't want to, why can't you understand why some would without calling it weird?

Babies and small children can't walk at all or not very far, why is carrying weirder than using another man made marketed contraption like a buggy?

Now the thing I cant fathom is the baby carrying trend - thats just weird.....

Try dealing with a baby that screams every single time you put it down - it'll get a lot easier to fathom then!

Now the thing I cant fathom is the baby carrying trend - thats just weird.....

most babies can't walk for a year or so. How else are they supposed to get around?

We do half and half- 9 month old goes in his own bed at bedtime but I bring him in with us when he wakes. I think it's the best of both worlds - maximises sleep for us while he's still waking at night and we're not yet prepared to try CC, but DP and I get to go to bed together, have a chat and a cuddle etc. He's quite happy in his cot and sometimes I return him if I haven't fallen asleep before he does.

Yep all those lazy bugger babies being carried around... Like babies

I found strapping on the baby and getting on with my day pretty helpful... And while in London having a baby in a front or back carrier was easier on public transport than hauling a buggy around. Depends what you are doing and I definitely used pushchairs as well. Flexibility is key.

ROFL stinkers.

To help you inderstand - here's what happened with us - it was accidental/to get sleep that we started cosleeping. It carried on because it suited us all.

DS stayed in his own bed - not a great sleeper - took 18 months before he went a proper long night of sleep - until then he woke up 2-3 times a night, and needed quite a bit of help to get back to sleep. In desperation I tried bringing him in with us a few times but it never calmed him so made all our sleep worse. I was also determined not to 'mess up' his sleep by cosleeping.

DD was born when ds was 2.3 years and in retrospect, from her first night, made it clear she was sleeping with me - even in the hospital she just would NOT settle in her cot, no matter what I did, only with me. With her, we decided sleep was the priority (dealing with a newborn and a toddler on no sleep = no fun). We would settle her in her cot every evening, but when she woke, she'd just come in with us. Once she was old enough to be out of a bed, she would just come in when/if she woke up - we sometimes didn't know as she would snuggle in so softly and quietly. Although equally often she would lie across the bed, pushing us both out to the edges! As time went on, she woke less, and came in less. I guess from about 6/7 it was really infrequent. Now (aged just 9) she might come in maybe once every 6 months if she has a bad dream.

I treasure my memories of co sleeping with her. She would cuddle right in as a little one, both arms tight round my neck and just sigh with pleasure. Or get one arm round each of dh and I, as we held hands behind her back. I loved waking up to her smile in my face. In comparison, my memories of trying to get ds back to sleep in a dark room, on my own, as he cried, or sitting for hours getting cold with my hand on his back ... less positive!

Because the little sod never has slept when on his own!!! Bad reflux and a cuddle monster... And a greedy non-stop breast feeder due to the reflux. 1 year into being back at work on 3-4 hours sleep I craxked and let him co sleep full time. Wow 6 hours sleep is magic.

Now it's prob more habit than anything else at 3.5 but he has bad nightmares and the unclear way to soothe him and avoid full on night terrors is letting him come into our bed.

Plus he is lovely and snugly! He is our only - these days I'm aware how fast he is growing and how much I will miss all the lovely freely given baby-toddler cuddles...

We started co-sleeping out of utter desperation, because DD would.not.sleep. At all.

She still woke. It still took ages to settle her but I managed to get back to sleep much faster than when I was getting up and down out of bed and was no longer a walking zombie. It helped my PND as well (more sleep and helped us bond).

She now has her own room at 2 but we cosleep part time, we have a spare double in her room for if she's unwell or unsettled, growth spurt etc. it's lovely (barring the occasional toddler foot up your nose or when she decides to use my face as a pillow). She has chicken pox at the moment and is waking up a lot. Last night she woke up coughing, looked at me, shuffled across the bed, tucked her head onto my shoulder and went straight back off to sleep, as did I. If I had been in my own room I guarantee she would have cried for me, and we probably both would have been up for 30 mins or so.

Plus they are only little for so long, this won't last forever. If this is what she needs then that's what we will do.