Co-sleeping. Why?

[goodnessgraciousgouda]

Just to stress first off that this is not a thread to start a bun fight between people who do and don't co-sleep. It's not intended as a spiteful judgement of people who DO co-sleep.

It's just to try and understand why some people do it, as it's something that I literally cannot fathom.

I can understand co-sleeping for the first six months, as is recommended to prevent SID. I can understand people going a bit longer than that just to be on the safe side.

But why do some people co-sleep for YEARS on end? Is it when the child is a really bad sleeper generally? Or when there are underlying medical conditions?

Co-sleeping for long periods of time has always struck me as something which would completely override the relationship between the two parents. Which is why I'd be interested to know people's actual reasons for doing it (I'm not saying I'm right, it's just how I've always seen it).

I have tried looking at websites, but they have been so....unbearable. Almost like satire websites. I was hoping some people here might be able to explain it in less "hemp and kale" sort of terms.

Ds1 is 4.6. He cosleeps by default because he wakes in the night at creeps into our bed, sometimes we don't notice til morning. If I'm aware enough I herd him back to bed in his own room but this rarely lasts more than a couple of hours and there is a point at around 3-4am when I just give up.

I don't co-sleep, even though I do love it when DS gets in with us in the night sometimes and has a snuggle.

I only know 2 people who have or do co-sleep past the newborn or breast feeding stage. They both do/did it because it is the only way that the child will sleep. One used the mother's hair as a comforter and the other seems to be able to tell, even if in a deep sleep, when someone isn't next to him. He literally will not sleep unless he has physical contact with someone. I didn't believe that at first but ive seen it in action now.

There is of course argument about whether co-sleeping in the first place is responsible for creating/enabling these behaviours, or whether it would have happened anyway. I have no idea, but im a firm believer in doing whatever gets you through the night.

What I do know though is that in these particular circumstances it affected both of the parental relationships.

I started co-sleeping part of the night when I realised I was falling asleep in the chair while breastfeeding. I stopped again at around 7 months, but then started doing it occasionally again when I started back at work - mainly because if DC wakes at 4am the thought of spending an hour or more feeding/settling is just so sole destroying when my alarm goes off at 5.30.

So the same as everyone really - I do it when it makes my life easier, and I'll stop when it doesn't.

My 3yo sleeps with us most of the time but has his own bed if he wants to sleep there.

It's okay for you not to understand it on a fundamental level. If it's not your way of doing things, then of course it will seem odd (I cannot understand how anybody derives pleasure from Eastenders or Jeremy Kyle for example). However, there is no logical objective reason why it's a 'bad' thing. You cite the effect on a relationship. Well, you don't have to stay in bed with the child. You can go elsewhere. Plus, you can have sex outside of bedtime hours so I hear.

My 3yo is happy curled up next to me. He seems to have an innate need to be near others when asleep. I have the same need I suppose. He's warm and cuddled and he fits in the bed and it makes him feel secure and he sleeps well for it. No doubt he will eventually go and sleep in his own bed most of the time, just like his big sister did. Years only sound like a long time when you're looking at it from birth onwards. When you look back over the years of his childhood, the warm cuddles and shared nights will be but brief sneeze of time.

because my children need me. the eldest at 4 and a half is finally stopping having his night terrors so often and is sleeping in his own bed (mostly) at last, the middle one (2 and a half) needs his mam because he's having some insecurity issues at the moment and if he wants to cuddle up to me I'm not stopping him - that would be counter-productive to helping him with those issues. And the nearly 3-week old needs to breast feed at night.

it's not causing my partner and I any issues, he cuddles my children as much as I do and loves them too.

Errr. Co sleeping is normal activity in many places- Southern Europe, Asia, africa, central and south america.

Look at it the other around, people from these places must think the Western world is weird for NOT co sleeping.

Totally agree DisappointedOne

What Saucy said, plus DD and DH hold hands all night long and I think he'd be gutted when she grows out of it

We have a SK size bed so lots of space, and any extra maritals tend to occur elsewhere

It's really interesting to read everyone's experiences/reasoning on it.

Mehita - You're right that I don't have to "understand" why people do things, but as with almost everything in life, if you can hear people's perspectives on things, then it is much easier to see that actually your working assumptions were wrong.

FrisbyMouse - I can't see anything scathing in my original post at all. I think I actually made quite a lot of effort to qualify my question to avoid crossed wires.

For the intimacy thing, I wasn't thinking specifically of sex. Having read some of the responses I think I get it now - my husband works ridiculously long hours, so I only see him a couple of hours each day. Going to bed together and waking up with each other is a huge part of our private relationship. It may sound ridiculous, but I had kind of forgotten that other couples might get more time together than that.

Some of the stories here I can completely understand now, some of them I am fairly certain would never be my cup of tea, but I can at least see why others feel differently.

I definitely think that NOT sleeping near your children is the weird distortion of human interaction. Humans are supposed to sleep in groups and gain strength and comfort from that....sticking a young child off in a room by themselves is a new thing - and I find it hard to believe it isn't sometimes pretty damaging.

Having said that we don't co-sleep, at least we don't sleep in the same bed, but do have DD (nearly 4) in the room with us as a compromise.

Because life is short

Sweet Baby Olive

Never co slept, tried a few times when having bad nights but I couldn't sleep with dd in bed with us! I was more worried about smothering her! Until she was 7 months she was always within arms reach! Now she is a bit older if she is teething or poorly and I have her in bed she moves everywhere and even though we have a bed guard for those times she still wiggled off the bed! ( she is constantly moving when she is asleep)
I personally feel co sleeping is not safe for us so I don't do it!

We had to start co-sleeping when did was about 12 months. We spent about 4 months living in other people's houses so we had to bring her in with us if she started to cry I. The night as the homeowners (quite justifiably) would moan about being kept awake.

Fast forward 3.5 years, dd goes to bed happily but will crawl in at some point during the night. We have a king size bed so don't notice her creeping in.

I have learnt not to mention this to anyone, especially my mother, due to judginess. Quite frankly, as long as everyone is happy and no harm is being done, what the fuck does it matter? I a the least lentil weavery type you could meet.

I find if you are really struggling to understand why other parents do things differently to you, its probably because its none of your business.

Another reason. My children's father worked very long hours when they were little and didn't see them at all during the week. Co sleeping meant that he could be close with them and get some cuddles in!

I liked it. I loved it. It made me feel like a proper earth mother, in tune with my baby type. I liked the cuddles and I liked being aware of my baby. I don't sleep that deeply anyway so it didn't make me feel tired.

DS had a bedside cot so we could still have sex, I split up with XP when he was 13 months anyway though. I did have sex after that, I did it when he wasn't there or in another room when he was sleeping.

Going to bed together and waking up with DS was a huge part of our relationship. I think it made me feel closer to him. That's personal of course and I don't mean that cot sleepers aren't as close.

It was really nice, when we got to the stage that it was appropriate, I would curl up around DS and DH would curl up behind me and we all had a big family cuddle.

I think the OPs question was fine. She hasn't been rude at all. Interesting to see that on this thread atleast it is tipped towards more people cosleeping than not!

Jesus Tummy I wasn't prepared for that. Sat here sobbing now and kissing DS .

Because it's lovely and childhood is fleeting. My 6 year old still likes to sleep in with me sometimes. I like it, he likes it, I don't need anyone else to understand that.

I co-slept because I'm lazy and love my sleep. When I was breastfeeding it was a no-brainer. And then we got used to it. As both myself and my husband are away from home from 7.00 a.m - 6.00 p.m. and work means I'm away for whole days, sometimes the only place we can share space is when we sleep. My daughter started choosing to sleep in her own bed most nights when she was 4, but occasionally she will ask me to share her bed or crawl into our bed, usually if she knows I'm going to be away for a while, or she is poorly.

I am sure that co-sleeping means she has already mastered the art of the weekend lie-in, which is a blessing on a Sunday morning.

I think the first post could sound critical OP because you stated you couldn't understand co-sleeping and you criticised the sites that do advocate co-sleeping. So you are making judgements on others decisions.

If I (as someone who co-slept for the first couple of years with each of my 3 kids)... wrote a post saying 'please explain why people don't co-sleep for the first couple of years' . 'I just don't get it' , 'the websites explaining it are so clinical and precise ' ... I would rightly get criticised. It is not that you are wrong to ask it is just that if you are asking for people to explain their lives to you then you have to show openness to their point of view - which perhaps comes across better in your later posts.

Anyhoo. I co-slept because that meant I could breast feed and sleep more soundly - we had a bedside cot - where you lift up the height of the cot base to the height of your bed and take the side down - creating a side extension to your bed. The cot ended up being a convenient place to stack muslins, wipes and nappies and ds (then 2 subsequent dd's) ended up in bed with us. We had a king size then a super king size bed so there was plenty of space. I slept soundly ds slept well and we were all better tempered as a result. I breast feed for years for each of the kids so it was a conveyor belt one in and one out system... ds left for his own bed at 19 months actually and he settled in really well. the dd's were co-sleeping and bfing longer but they were all settled in their own beds and rooms by age 3. There is no magic, no woo, our family functioned best if everyone was well rested and sleeping cuddled up with the littlest one was wonderful (when it wasn't a pain). I don't regret it and my relationship with my husband survived very well (and no beds are not the only place for sex). So that is all I need to know when judging if it worked. To be honest back when we had 3 under 5 when dh and I crawled into bed at night sex was far from our minds!!

I can't say it was actually a premeditated decision - just like breastfeeding I assumed I would do it for 6 months but ds had not read the leaflets so 6 months became a year and...

Because she wont sleep on her own. Well not for longer than about an hour, anyway. And I'm lazy, I don't like getting up to put her back to bed. We have a single between our bed and the wall, she often falls asleep in our bed and I shuffle her across so I can get in. Occasionally she chooses to sleep in her section and she may stay there most of the night, she is still within touching distance of me.

Did the same with my older children, who now sleep alone in their own beds in their own rooms. Lifes too short to fight about it, she'll do it when she's ready. There is obviously the sweetness of seeing her little face waking up next to me.

goodnessgraciousgouda. I think equating co sleeping with kale and hemp is patronising. But I think you've explained it better now. Just because you value that part of your relationship with your partner, doesn't mean everyone else does. Like I said, everyone is different - we don't need to necessarily understand, just to accept!

These are value judgements and when people do things differently to us I think we sometimes see that as a negative judgement for our own choices. But each choice can be valid and right, it doesn't have to be either/or.

We co-sleep most nights with ds(20 months). He can wake up in the night and go straight to sleep if brought in the bed with us. Or sometimes he is struggling to fall asleep, right now he has a cold. Not a issue for us, it's not every night and we enjoy having him there.

As for taking over us as a couple, nope. If someone thinks the bed is the only place to have sex, then I think us with a co-sleeping baby have a better sex life

So because you have chosen a lifestyle where you see your husband very little, co-sleeping doesn't work for you because that is part of the only time you see them.

Others who find co-sleeping enjoyable, likely get plenty of time with their partners and enjoy having those same times with their children.

How can that possibly be difficult to understand?