Co-sleeping. Why?

[goodnessgraciousgouda]

Just to stress first off that this is not a thread to start a bun fight between people who do and don't co-sleep. It's not intended as a spiteful judgement of people who DO co-sleep.

It's just to try and understand why some people do it, as it's something that I literally cannot fathom.

I can understand co-sleeping for the first six months, as is recommended to prevent SID. I can understand people going a bit longer than that just to be on the safe side.

But why do some people co-sleep for YEARS on end? Is it when the child is a really bad sleeper generally? Or when there are underlying medical conditions?

Co-sleeping for long periods of time has always struck me as something which would completely override the relationship between the two parents. Which is why I'd be interested to know people's actual reasons for doing it (I'm not saying I'm right, it's just how I've always seen it).

I have tried looking at websites, but they have been so....unbearable. Almost like satire websites. I was hoping some people here might be able to explain it in less "hemp and kale" sort of terms.

I think this is really an each to their own kind of thing.

I can't sleep with either dc in the bed even though we have a super king and could all fit in if necessary. DD has long hair and it seems to get in my face if we are in the same bed. Plus both children are very noisy, fidgetty sleepers.

DH is a deep sleeper and felt that (for him) it was dangerous to sleep with a newborn as he was unlikely to wake (I wouldn't have wanted baby on the outside in case I knocked him off the bed!).

But obviously it works for some people.

After trying not to with DD1 (DM said I was making a rod for my own back) and falling asleep in the chair bf and going back to work at 3 months when she still wasn't sleeping through the night I started cosleeping and we were all happier, less sleep deprived.
DD1 went to sleep in her own bed from about 2 but came in with us most nights until she was 6 and DD2 came along and it was too much of a squeeze. (She still came in every morning up to being 7-8). DD2 just co-slept from the start - why make life hard for yourself - but then both DP and I can sleep -I completely get that some people can't...
DD2 (8) still comes in most nights if she wakes up to eg go to the loo - I'm still awake sometimes and it is almost like she is sleep walking ...she comes and gets in the between DP and I and gives me a great big sleepy cuddle .
Even DD1(14) still comes for a cuddle sometimes in the morning...
When she was 13 she had a nightmare and her shouting 'mummy' woke me up (she hasn't called me that for a long time - unless she wants something ), it woke her up too and she came and got in with us for a cuddle, for the security. When she was calm etc I told her she had better go back to her own bed -there wasn't enough space, we wouldn't get a good night's sleep. When I woke up in the morning she had made a nest with her duvet on the floor next to my bed -I felt so guilty.

Because I breast fed for 18 months, but went back to work at 3 months, co-sleeping, at least part of the time, was a great way to keep the breastfeeding going. At it was lovely. If it's not for you, though, then I don't thnk people should judge. (What I really dont get though, and again not judging but just not understanding, is mothers who get a night nurse to look after their baby at night. Those first few weeks of snuggling all the time, or watching the sun come up while sitting and feeding him, was probably the highlight of my life).

DS still (age nearly 6) gets into my bed every morning for a snuggle. (It could sometimes be a bit later, tbh, he does not get the idea of weekend-getting-up-later, but it is lovely. I dread the time coming when it doesn't happen any more).

I think it's a personal choice - I have friends who co-sleep mostly out of desperation to get any kind of sleep. If that means their DC is in bed with them and they are happy about it, then I say, go for it. However another friend of mind once said her father blamed her for ruining his & her mums marriage as she would never sleep in her own bed as a child. He wasn't happy about it. That was the 1980s version of co-sleeping. It's successful if it's the right thing for all.

I think of it a bit like BFing - if it is working for you, why would you stop?

Lots of good answers. Also my dc don't snore or watch films on iPad at 1 am or come home late - so I get more sleep and dh doesn't get nagged

If co sleeping was so bad for relationship we wouldn't have just had a second !

I think parenting small children in general is hard and surely takes its toll on many relationships, but it seems easy to blame the co sleeping / longer term breastfeeding / whatever else is outside the 'norm' in our culture

My 6 year old has just stopped! She still comes in my room early hours of the morning though. My marriage is great, sex is not a problem but we have separate rooms anyway due to his meds and snoring.

I co slept for years with three of mine and enjoyed it. I co slept with four of them as babies. My eldest stopped when he was 7, my 2nd when he was 5, third was about 1, my youngest has just stopped. One of them never co slept as she preferred her own space.

I just never felt the need to get them into their own room really and all of them got to the stage where they wanted to stop on their own.

I coslept with my twins on and off from newborn. MIT made feeding easier as I didn't have to get out of bed :)

There have been times when they went to sleep in their own cots/beds and then joined us when they woke for either feeding or for cuddles.

They are now four and a half years old. They go to sleep in our bed at the moment because they want to snuggle with me and our new baby for stories, and because I find bedtime for three easier in one place. We then lift them in to their own beds, and they come back at some later point if they want to. They both come back to our bed more nights than they stay in their own beds.

From my point of view, I would rather they stayed in their own beds now they're so big! Especially since the new baby is cosleeping. But it wouldn't be fair to insist they stayed on their own room - I had years of them cosleeping because it suited me and now it would be unfair to turn round and say it doesn't suit anymore so you have to sleep somewhere else.

All of my children will be welcome in my bed for cuddles for as long as they want to be there. This might last maybe 10 or 15 years of my life, then I'll be able to sleep whenever. I am absolutely certain I won't regret cosleeping, feeding and cuddling my babies :)

I was thinking the exact opposite last night OP. I cannot comprehend how people can sleep without their small children with them. I wouldn't be able to settle not having them with us. Ds1 is 2.8 and ds2 is 8mo and neither have ever slept in a cot.

I was so damaged after ds1 birth I couldn't bend to pick him up so it started like that. Ds1 has asd and sensory processing issues and likes to stroke my hair for comfort. Ds2 is just a cuddle monkey

We bought a super king size bed and just went with it. We love it most of the time. Ds2 will probably go in the cot next to the bed soon as he likes a bit more space. But he won't go in a separate room for years I doubt.

As for our 'relationship' I assume you mean the sex part of it. Well we never had sex at night ever anyway - both hate night time sex as were always far too tired. Pre dc we only had sex on lazy weekend mornings and afternoons, which is out anyway now. The DC in the bed make no difference. The DC ar usually in bed by 8 but we still don't bother as both are too tired/busy. We go to a hotel for a night every other month and shag a lot. Suits us fine.

They are wee for such a short time, we had plenty of sex before and will again after, now it isn't a priority. In fact it is less so for dh than me, in case you are thinking I bet your dh doesn't agree.

We shared a room with DD1 until she was 2 and we moved into our own home and it didn't affect our relationship. Even now she has her own room she comes into bed with us if she's poorly or when DP was away for 10 days and she didn't want to leave me alone (she was too young to understand that daddy was coming back again, he was just on holiday). It all boils down to parenting choices, tbh I don't understand parents who want to put their babies in a different room asap.

Co-sleeping. Why?
Because my husband and I need OUR sleep.
End of discussion. It really is that simple.

Some kids like the security of not having to sleep alone. It can be a scary thing for a little person to be alone in a dark room for 12 hours. So some prefer to share with parents where they feel safe. Not sure why that would be difficult to understand...

Heh my 8 yr old likes a body to snuggle up to at night he has a double bed and he sleeps well. It wouldn't make any difference to me and the husband because we have separate bedrooms and there's sfa wrong with our relationship. i can't understand why adults want to sleep with another adult if you want to do that line of questioning... I couldn't imagine it.

There was a discussion on some site where some man was boasting obnoxiously about how he was going to find himself a Thai wife. There was a very polite reply from a woman (who I think was married to a Japanese man) asking him how much he knew about Thai culture, in particular if he knew that after the first child was born, his wife would no longer be sleeping with him, rather than the children.

We co slept until 18 months when DS went into a toddler bed. He still moves in the night looking for me lol. I think when DD goes into a big bed they will probably snuggle up together.

FrisbyMouse - Just to clarify one thing - I didn't mean in my original post that co-sleeping is a hempy kale thing in and as of itself - it was a specific reference to the website I had seen speaking about it.

It is a little unfair to suggest that by finding the tone of an article somewhat nauseating, that you also find the subject which it is discussing nauseating.

Another example - Alot of US blogs I've seen spent a huge amount of time talking about Jesus and God's love or whatever. Just because the line "We are so grateful to our lord baby Jesus for his inordinate blessings" gives me this face , doesn't mean that I am overall about religion or christianity.

Maybe that's not a great parallel, but hopefully you get my point.

DS1 comes over to our bed every night as he doesn't like being on his own, and has done for months. He is nearly 4. DS2, OTOH, settles himself happily in a room on his own and has done for months. He is nearly 3.

I understand it as I remember being lonely in my bed on my own when I was 25 FGS and so I am somewhat sympathetic to a small child without extensive coping abilities who just wants to be near other warm bodies.

DH and I are usually too tired when we get to bed to do anything anyway!!

Bromya I often wake up to find my nearly 16,14 and 12 year old sleeping in bed together! It's like musical beds. They have no problems sleeping over other peoples and can certainly manage to sleep on their own room so it doesn't worry me.

I think it boils down that there are some people who think sleeping in your own bed in your own room is really REALLY important, and some that think sleeping in a parent's bed is completely normal and unremarkable - especially for young children.

DD was in our room until about 2, still breastfed at night or first thing in the morning for most of that time. She had a cot, but was in our bed a lot of the time. She's nearly 4 now, and has her own room, but often comes into our bed in the middle of the night.

I don't let her come in out of "desperation", or because of lentil-weavery parenting dogma. I let her come in because I think it is fine - indeed completely normal and understandable - for her to seek comfort from her parents if she wakes in the night. She drops off straight away and sleeps through until the alarm goes off, it doesn't disturb is. I actually miss her a bit on nights she doesn't come in, and end up getting up and going into her room to check on her, which probably disrupts my sleep more.

I have friends like the OP, who think letting a child come into your bed is absolutely terrible and "creating a rod for your own back". So I just don't tell them. It won't be for long - what's 4 or 5 years over a whole lifetime? - I don't mind, DH doesn't mind, everyone sleeps well and has a normal relationship with one another. I'm not creating a rod for my own back, and even if I was, why on earth is it anyone else's business? It's such a non-issue for us, let alone for anyone else.

It's also brilliant if you go away and there's only one bed if you're already used to sharing it!

You don't need to justify your op - op - I think it was all the negative sounding statements/ and stating 'I don't want to start a bun fight' that put people on the defensive - when al you needed to post was a request to get a better understanding of co-sleeping.

You tell us all about pink elephants then say don't think about pink elephants, don't be surprised if we are all about the pink elephants

My four year old co sleeps with me but im a single parent so dont mind her being there. She slept perfectly well in her own bed until she turned 3 then she was ill one night and it esculated from there.
I just think she'll grow out of it and the only ones who have a problem with it are my parents who think its wrong.
Its got to the stage now where I sleep better when shes with me then without.

Well if you only shag late at night in your own bed it would of course be limiting wouldn't it!

My DH and I rarely sleep together. We go to bed at very differnet times and both wake each other up a lot.

He recently go a new bed, so did I - bliss. Sheer bliss. Still plenty of time and opportunities for cuddles etc...

My 5 year old pops in with me periodically, so does my 7 year old. Not a big deal at all.

Do you mean same room or same bed? Same room is recommended for a year now. For us it will probably be longer because I don't want a little one who wakes at night disturbing the others and we don't have a separate room for her. At the moment she sleeps in our bed because she is breastfed and it's easier. Same reason dc3 slept in our bed until she was nearly two.

Ds co slept with us as he didn't sleep well on his own and it felt natural to do it. He settled well in his own bed at 2, now sometimes still comes in with us if he wakes.

Dd 15 months is still in bed with us, spends 2 hours in her own bed of an evening, DH and I squeeze our relationship in then. We're doing ok

It's just not really a big deal. I think you can get overly stressed about the own bed own room thing, there's really nothing about sleeping in close proximity to others. I like to share a bed with my husband for reasons other than sex; cuddles, closeness, security, warmth, why would/should not children have needs for those things also, and why shouldn't they be met?