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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Co-sleeping. Why?

384 replies

goodnessgraciousgouda · 21/04/2015 10:18

Just to stress first off that this is not a thread to start a bun fight between people who do and don't co-sleep. It's not intended as a spiteful judgement of people who DO co-sleep.

It's just to try and understand why some people do it, as it's something that I literally cannot fathom.

I can understand co-sleeping for the first six months, as is recommended to prevent SID. I can understand people going a bit longer than that just to be on the safe side.

But why do some people co-sleep for YEARS on end? Is it when the child is a really bad sleeper generally? Or when there are underlying medical conditions?

Co-sleeping for long periods of time has always struck me as something which would completely override the relationship between the two parents. Which is why I'd be interested to know people's actual reasons for doing it (I'm not saying I'm right, it's just how I've always seen it).

I have tried looking at websites, but they have been so....unbearable. Almost like satire websites. I was hoping some people here might be able to explain it in less "hemp and kale" sort of terms.

OP posts:

Hakluyt · 21/04/2015 19:22

Because if you co sleep you never have to sleep train. Nobody cries at bed time and everyone gets enough sleep.

Sootgremlin · 21/04/2015 19:26

What I struggle to understand is how so many people seem to have so little imagination when it comes to the sex thing...like it can only happen between midnight and 6am, in a bed.

Having small children, being tired and busy in general are the main obstacles, you learn to flexible as to time and location

yallahabibi · 21/04/2015 19:34

Do you have a super sized bed to co-sleep as a family or have more than one bed in the same room ?
I often slept my children's rooms with them when they were younger and it was certainly easier doing it when they fed during the night . I left DH on his own .
Quite often , in my part of the world , hired nannies sleep in with children . Which I'm sure to most on MN will seem odder than sleeping with your mother and/or father.

SuperMumTum · 21/04/2015 19:34

I hate sharing a bed with anyone. At least DP understands this and gives me space in the night. I hate being touched while I try to sleep. However DD (3) is a very poor sleeper and goes through long stages of not sleeping much for days on end where the only solution is letting her in with me and me cuddling her to sleep repeatedly in the night. Its fine. She needs her sleep and that is a priority but I can't sleep like that at all. She shouts and talks in her sleep. She grabs me, strokes me, kicks and pushes. Once she's in a deep sleep I then have to sleep somewhere else (sofa as DP is in her bed by this point and we don't have a spare) and she still wakes up screaming for me. It's a total nightmare and I hate it. I wish we could happily co-sleep. Luckily she's going through a much more settled stage atm so this palaver happens rarely now.

Notso · 21/04/2015 19:36

I don't actually know what I mean by healthy MrsKoala probably being able to have sex whenever we want.

I guess our family makes it more difficult than if we just had young DC. We have older DC who are up until late so evenings or downstairs are out unless we do the 'meet the fokkers' cowboy hat on the door thing which I wouldn't do.
No way could I get in the mood in the kids rooms certainly not the older ones rooms and not in a toddler bed either or when they had a sleepover. I have not very fond memories of lying in bed hearing my uncle and aunt shagging away noisily wishing they'd hurry up and shut up so I could get back to sleep.

I sometimes wish I did enjoy co-sleeping as it sounds so idyllic. The reality for me anyway is just stress and less sleep.

fulltothebrim · 21/04/2015 19:37

I would have found being tired the biggest obstacle to a sex life, not the co sleeping.

Thanks to co-sleeping OH and I were never tired and always had plenty energy for adult activities.
Remember a 2 year old sleeps for around 11 hours a day, adults sleep 8 hours, leaving 3 hours a day for other things.

fulltothebrim · 21/04/2015 19:39

I don't actually know what I mean by healthy MrsKoala probably being able to have sex whenever we want.

But that is art of having kids.

Surely we all have constraints on our sexual activity when we have children.

Notso · 21/04/2015 19:42

Halkyut that might be true for your family but certainly not ours.

Sootgremlin it's not the lack of imagination, more lack of opportunity. I need more than a few 5 min quickies while the kids are watching TV.

TwoOddSocks · 21/04/2015 19:43

My DS (almost 3) is a terrible sleeper and very anxious, particularly at night just like my DH was a kid. He remembers lying alone in his room feeling anxious and always had trouble sleeping as a young kid. My DS falls asleep on me then I put him in his bed next to ours. At some point in the night he crawls into bed with us. He feels safe at night, I don't have to wake up. The only difference is me and DH can't have spontaneous morning sex, but since DS wakes up at 7 that would never happen anyway.

TwoOddSocks · 21/04/2015 19:45

Oh and we have sex when DS has gone to bed, just not in the bedroom. I wouldn't be having sex while he was awake anyway so I don't see why co-sleeping makes any difference.

MrsKoala · 21/04/2015 19:45

Well we defo can't have sex whenever we want regardless of whether we co-sleep. If we could we'd fancy a lazy morning one or to be able to pop up to bed in the afternoon. But that's out since we had DC. Night time has never even crossed our minds, we wouldn't want to then even if we didn't have dc. We'd rather never have sex than do it at a time we weren't in the mood just to fulfil a kind of obligation because we think we should. I think that's a pretty healthy sex life and neither of us feels hard done by. W've had sex once in the last year and we're both fine with that. Our relationship is no different whether we have sex or not.

We're knackered and horrendously busy. They're the obstacles to sex, and getting up more times in the night to settle babies/children wouldn't improve the situation.

Only1scoop · 21/04/2015 19:45

Yanbu to ask at all Op

Certainly cannot fathom it for myself either.

BunnyLebowski · 21/04/2015 19:46

People keeping mentioning the word "sex".

What's that??

BunnyLebowski · 21/04/2015 19:46

Notso · 21/04/2015 19:46

My DH is usually in work for two of those hours fulltothebrim and teenage DD is up then too.

fulltothebrim · 21/04/2015 19:48

notso- not sure what point you are making.

Notso · 21/04/2015 19:51

That we don't have three spare hours.

fulltothebrim · 21/04/2015 19:54

Still not sure what point you are making.

DisappointedOne · 21/04/2015 19:55

You have a teenage DD? Free baby-sitter then. Get in the car and go for a drive!

MrsKoala · 21/04/2015 19:55

I do see your point Notso. Ds1 sleeps 8-8 usually and dh leaves at 7 and is getting ready from 6 so those morning 2 hours are out. We go to bed about 10 so have 2 hours then but the reality is dinner needs to be cooked/eaten, chores need to be done and we are shattered.

DisappointedOne · 21/04/2015 19:56

We've always had a super king sized bed. I hate being against someone when i'm sleeping so always liked the space. Somehow DD being in the middle with her hand, foot or bottom on me doesn't bother me so much.

fulltothebrim · 21/04/2015 19:57

mrskoala- so you do have a couple of hours every night.

I found the best way to protect our sex life was a good 8 hours sleep a night.

Hakluyt · 21/04/2015 20:02

"don't actually know what I mean by healthy MrsKoala probably being able to have sex whenever we want."

Do you have children?

lastlines · 21/04/2015 20:03

We never chose to do it. It just happened. But we did buy a much bigger bed, because it was a nightly occurrence. DC would be put in their own beds and at some point in the night would wake up and trot in to snuggle up with us. I can't think of anything more natural and lovely. If a child is awake at night and wants a warm, friendly body to cuddle, they should have one.

Sootgremlin · 21/04/2015 20:05

It must be difficult with older children too, notso. Dd goes to bed in her own room at 8ish then comes to bed with us on first waking. In your situation I'd probably try and resettle her in her bed for an hour or two, but in all honesty if we get the bed to ourselves we want to sleep in it more often than not!

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