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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Co-sleeping. Why?

384 replies

goodnessgraciousgouda · 21/04/2015 10:18

Just to stress first off that this is not a thread to start a bun fight between people who do and don't co-sleep. It's not intended as a spiteful judgement of people who DO co-sleep.

It's just to try and understand why some people do it, as it's something that I literally cannot fathom.

I can understand co-sleeping for the first six months, as is recommended to prevent SID. I can understand people going a bit longer than that just to be on the safe side.

But why do some people co-sleep for YEARS on end? Is it when the child is a really bad sleeper generally? Or when there are underlying medical conditions?

Co-sleeping for long periods of time has always struck me as something which would completely override the relationship between the two parents. Which is why I'd be interested to know people's actual reasons for doing it (I'm not saying I'm right, it's just how I've always seen it).

I have tried looking at websites, but they have been so....unbearable. Almost like satire websites. I was hoping some people here might be able to explain it in less "hemp and kale" sort of terms.

OP posts:
Paddingtonthebear · 23/04/2015 10:19

If DD hasn't been an easy sleeper we would have considered co sleeping if it meant we all got some sleep . Fortunately she loves her cot and her own space and has hated any attempt of sleeping with us. I say fortunately as DH and I both wouldn't enjoy co sleeping as we are unsociable sleepers and both like our own space and sleeping facing away from each other on opposite sides of our bed. Grin.

DD is very independent and confident, I'm not sure why people need to imply that her sleeping in her own bed makes her inferior to a co sleeping child Confused

ThePaperBagPrincess · 23/04/2015 10:26

Interesting interview here on cosleeping.

I didn't do it with ds1 but do with ds2.

If done properly and carefully, it can be a safe way to sleep.

Catsize · 23/04/2015 10:40

That's an interesting article. I also wish I had read Three in a Bed pre-children. In the UK, we are so pre-conditioned to set up a nursery with a cot etc. We did, but the cot was used for one awful night only (after similar attemps with a crib had failed), with my partner sleeping next to our son, holding his hand as he cried. To get him in a cot was seen as the aim. We had co-slept from day 1, without realising it was a 'thing' but still aspired to the perceived Western ideal.
As far as our son was concerned, he had been born into a cave with the same primal needs as our ancestors. It is easy to lose sight of this when wandering around the baby department of John Lewis.

ThePaperBagPrincess · 23/04/2015 10:45

Couldn't agree more Catsize. I don't envisage us cosleeping for an extended period but at the moment it's working well for us.

I like the 4th trimester concept as well Smile

DisappointedOne · 23/04/2015 11:04

4th trimester fan here too.

purdiepie · 23/04/2015 11:06

I am bewildered at the notion that the sight of a cot makes you feel wretched. That is precisely the kind of comment that fosters my notion that you perhaps have a few issues.

fascicle · 23/04/2015 11:06

Catsize
I also wish I had read Three in a Bed pre-children.

That's how we got into co-sleeping. I was very pregnant and partner was going abroad. He went to pick up a travel guide from a bookshop, couldn't find what he wanted and came back with that book instead Grin.

purdiepie · 23/04/2015 11:07

...and a 12 year old who is terrified of sleeping alone I pity tremendously. What on Earth has gone on there?

catkind · 23/04/2015 11:15

Do co sleepers who do practice this from early on use no pillows sheets or duvets on their bed?

I'd be curled in a c-shape with baby at chest height. So my arm was between my pillow and the baby, and I'd make sure any sticking out bits of pillow were on the side away from baby, just in case. Also I could not roll towards baby, only away. I don't roll in my sleep anyway, but again, just in case.

I found that even when DS was 3 and wanted to join me and baby DD, I didn't feel safe sleeping with a child behind me, so if he wanted in DD would be in the cosleeper cot well away from us and DS in front of me. He mostly shared with DH when DD was tiny though.

I'd have the duvet tucked under my legs so again safely away from baby. I'd wear an extra long sleeved top to keep my top half warm and she'd have her own grobag or blanket.

A bit of a faff, yes, but so worth it to be able to doze through her feeds and not have to try to wrestle her into a moses basket only for her to wake up again the second I moved away. It was bliss compared to the broken nights with DS as a baby.

Yokohamajojo · 23/04/2015 11:16

My first DS was like a text book child and slept in his own room in his cot bed when he was 7 month old, never even wanted to sleep in our bed as he got older as he likes his own space too much and easily feels cramped

My next DS was totally different and did not want to sleep on his own from day 1, in the beginning we even made him a little bed on the floor in the living room and brought him up to bed when we went to bed. He is now 6 and comes in to our bed most nights, he just want to be near someone. I have to say that I quite miss him the nights he doesn't snuggle up with me...

So for us it was him who chose it and us who let him as we wanted to sleep Smile

Hakluyt · 23/04/2015 11:17

My children had their own rooms with futon mattresses in the floor- they doubled as play mats and beds- they often crashed out on them during the day. I don't particulrly like cots- I think they make life very difficult. It's difficult to transfer a sleeping baby into one, and getting the baby out must cripple your back. Once my children were safe walkers, they started to start the night on their own futon, then when they woke up come and get into bed with us. They didn't have to call- they could come by themselves. Once again- maximum sleep for the most people!

stargirl1701 · 23/04/2015 11:19

We have chosen to co-sleep with DD2 from day 1.

Duvet swapped for sheet and king size cellular blanket. No pillows. DH in spare bed.

It works for us. If it does my work for you, don't do it.

Hakluyt · 23/04/2015 11:19

"...and a 12 year old who is terrified of sleeping alone I pity tremendously. What on Earth has gone on there?"

So do I. This is relevant to co sleeping exactly why?

stargirl1701 · 23/04/2015 11:23

Pfft! My parents never co-slept with me as a child and I still ended up in Mum's bed for a year after a friend's Mum allowed me to watch The Shining at the age of 13.

Sootgremlin · 23/04/2015 11:24

I was terrified of sleeping alone at 12. It gradually improved but needed time. I struggle to sleep now when DH is away, but as an adult I have more resources to help ,scope than a child.

But I didn't cosleep. The problem is independent of the chosen solution. Nothing had 'gone wrong' I just had a sleep problem. Loving parents, my own room and bed, just eyes that had trouble shutting and staying shut for 8 hours!

I vividly remember lying awake in the dark, too worried to call out and wake my parents (I wasn't scared of them but didn't want to disturb them again) and trying to get through a couple more minutes each time before calling. I didn't want my children to have that, our bed is their bed as long as they need it.

catkind · 23/04/2015 11:31

...and a 12 year old who is terrified of sleeping alone I pity tremendously. What on Earth has gone on there?

The one with AS you mean? Hmm Well all AS kids are different, but I can well imagine the world is a scary place for some of them. I think she's lucky to have a mum who's prepared to give her the comfort she needs according to her needs rather than according to her age or whatever the societal norm is.

juniorcakeoff · 23/04/2015 11:33

Fascicle I have had a number of children. 2 snored loudly as babies. 1 breastfed more when in bed with me and easy access to boob. Some people find they don't wake up and this makes life easier for them. For me it definitely didn't/doesn't. I dread sharing a bed with youngest when staying with family as he goes from one night feed to three.

catsize it is even funnier that you have come close to the MN classic 'I feel sorry for your children'. No need.

FWIW I have never had 'a nursery' with first I had a mouldy bedsit. Probly this means my PFB was getting his primal needs met though.

Catsize · 23/04/2015 11:39

purdiepie, a cot to me is a symbol of separation of a baby/child from the people it needs most at a time they need them most. It looks like a mini prison. The sight of a child reaching over/through cot bars is, to me, a sad one. If that means I have issues, so be it. Remember, I bought one, but I now wonder what on earrth I was thinking.

Catsize · 23/04/2015 11:41

junior, I do feel 'a bit' sorry for a child whose parent speaks of them in derogatory terms and makes them sound like an annoying inconvenient accessory to be tossed aside when it suits the parent.

Catsize · 23/04/2015 11:43

One thing I do agree with you on though is that co-sleeping increases the frequency of feeding. Generally speaking.

herethereandeverywhere · 23/04/2015 11:51

As both my kids see our bed as some kind of adventure playground then even trying to get them to sleep with us when they're upset/ill/unsettled is a complete non-starter - no-one gets a wink of sleep until we're completely exhausted...about 1 hour before the alarm is due to go off to get us up.

But...we have friends where the mum co-sleeps with her 7 and 5 year old and the dad sleeps in a single bed in a different room. Given the number of years that have expired with this set up I assume this is the best arrangement for them.

Nothing worse than being tired. do what you can to get your sleep.

catkind · 23/04/2015 12:00

I think for us cosleeping decreased the frequency of feeds for DD as a baby. She would sleep really long stretches from birth, which DS never did in a moses basket. She'd also nap far longer in a sling or cosleeping than in a pram/carseat or on her own in the cosleeper cot.

It did probably mean I kept feeding her in the night longer than I otherwise would as a toddler, because I didn't have to wake up so it didn't bother me enough to do something about stopping her. By the time it did bother me she was old enough to understand "you can have milk in the morning" so it was easy to stop.

juniorcakeoff · 23/04/2015 12:16

What's derogatory? Youngest is fat and he does whack me in the face and keep me awake and that is very inconvenient. The truth ain't rude.

Notso · 23/04/2015 15:14

A cot to me is a symbol of separation of a baby/child from the people it needs most at a time they need them most. It looks like a mini prison.

FFS it's a bed with sides so the baby doesn't roll out. Co-sleeping works well for you and your family. Brilliant. It doesn't work for everyone though.
Not co-sleeping categorically does not mean neglecting the needs of your baby.
They are not in a prison.
Two of mine in particular preferred to go to sleep in their own space. They hated being swaddled, they hated going in a sling, they hated being cuddled when tired. If they were tired and were put down in their own cot or carrycot they immediately turned their heads to the side and fell asleep, that was what they needed most.
DD did prefer co-sleeping and that was fine for us as she was our first so we still had a spare bed for DH so could do it safely.
DS2 liked to be near me too but with no spare bed by then it wasn't safe so he slept right next to my bed in his cot. Close enough to touch me but safe from DH's nighttime activity.
Different babies with different needs being met in different ways.

bruffin · 23/04/2015 15:35

Not co-sleeping categorically does not mean neglecting the needs of your baby.

Agree co-sleeping would be me neglecting my baby's need. DD liked being in a her cot. She did not want to be in bed with us. She would wriggle and get more agitated. Put in her cot she would go straight off. She slept through (as did ds ) from 12 weeks in our room in the carry cot at the end of our bed, then in a cot in their own room from about 8 months. Thats not neglected babies, thats happy contented babies, who probably woke up in the middle of the night and heard mummy and daddy snoring and went back to sleep.