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AIBU?

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Original poster

Co-sleeping. Why?

384 replies

goodnessgraciousgouda · 21/04/2015 10:18

Just to stress first off that this is not a thread to start a bun fight between people who do and don't co-sleep. It's not intended as a spiteful judgement of people who DO co-sleep.

It's just to try and understand why some people do it, as it's something that I literally cannot fathom.

I can understand co-sleeping for the first six months, as is recommended to prevent SID. I can understand people going a bit longer than that just to be on the safe side.

But why do some people co-sleep for YEARS on end? Is it when the child is a really bad sleeper generally? Or when there are underlying medical conditions?

Co-sleeping for long periods of time has always struck me as something which would completely override the relationship between the two parents. Which is why I'd be interested to know people's actual reasons for doing it (I'm not saying I'm right, it's just how I've always seen it).

I have tried looking at websites, but they have been so....unbearable. Almost like satire websites. I was hoping some people here might be able to explain it in less "hemp and kale" sort of terms.

OP posts:
duplodon · 22/04/2015 22:53

Oh and dh is probably a bigger cosleeping fan than I am. We have just loved this time. It's only a short while.

Hakluyt · 22/04/2015 22:56

"Oh and dh is probably a bigger cosleeping fan than I am. We have just loved this time. It's only a short while."

You mean he isn't reluctantly being booted out of the marital bed to sleep on the sofa and and wasn't obliged to satisfy his needs elsewhere? Are you sure?

duplodon · 22/04/2015 22:59

Eh, he's in the bed too. He absolutely loves his cuddles. Are you joking? Confused

duplodon · 22/04/2015 23:00

Oh sorry, I thought you were a different poster for a second.

BertieBotts · 22/04/2015 23:16

The whole "when is it inappropriate then?!" question is just bizarre. I mean do people really imagine that children won't leave when they are actually ready? They do, you know. It's quite magic.

I don't care if other people want to sleep train, but I am glad that I never had to do it, it sounds like hard work.

My six year old makes a Hmm face if I ever suggest he comes to sleep in my bed, like if he's ill, I have no idea what I did to him, but it obviously put him off Grin

Kewcumber · 22/04/2015 23:22

YEs Bertie - I do wonder if posters who think that its us parent who are leading the childrne into it actually have children. I quite wish DS was that easily led.

BertieBotts · 22/04/2015 23:23

And the point is, there is no definite cut off age. Age does not come into appropriateness, it just doesn't. If it is inappropriate at age fifteen then it's because there are other factors present which make it inappropriate. Same as six, two, ten, four months, thirty five or whatever other age you want to pick out of a hat.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 22/04/2015 23:30

If I stay over at my mums I might sleep in her lovely comfybed. I'm 40 so imho there is no magical cut-off point Wink Grin

I should add I don't do this if step-dad is around as that might be pushing the boundaries somewhat...

Micah · 22/04/2015 23:35

Why is it bizarre?

Observing the person I knew who co-slept with her 12 year old it was quite an odd interdependent relationship. The 12 year old seemed happy with it, but I'm sure part of why they didn't object was because they didn't want to hurt or reject mum.

The child would be 14 now, and last I heard they were still sharing a bedroom.

If a teen genuinely wants to co-sleep, fine. But I guess I don't see why an older child wouldn't want their own space, so is the assumption that they do it for the parent?

Genuinely interested. Can a parent and child co-sleep to adulthood and the relationship be healthy? I don't see why it shouldn't be, but the nature of teenagers is to separate from parents...

TheGirlFromIpanema · 22/04/2015 23:42

I have a perfectly healthy relationship with my mum thanks Micah! I'm not sure its really co-sleeping though is it as the parties grow older.

More just sharing a bed

I shared dsis bed the other week and her ndn was Shock at the mere thought of it.

BertieBotts · 22/04/2015 23:44

They imagine one of two scenarios, I find - either a mother (it's always a mother, somehow) who is so drippy that they never ever say no because they have no spine and are afraid to upset the child, quite dreads sleeping with them but does it anyway to avoid a tantrum. I find this quite a myth or possibly a rarity. It does happen, of course, but not usually quite to that extent (even indulgent parents are human and have limits to which they can be pushed) and it's not that common so as to be the most likely explanation which springs to mind. And even in this situation, the child most likely would get fed up and want their own room eventually as they naturally grew out of wanting that security. Most nine year olds would be embarrassed to admit they share a bed with mum or dad and would want a bedroom that they could invite their friends to play in.

Or the other is a parent who is extremely insecure and tells their child all sorts of things to make them dependent on (again usually a mother), because of some fear that they won't be needed any more. If this was happening, it would in no way be restricted to sleeping arrangements and hence would probably raise concerns in other ways. It's really insulting to drag out this argument over isolated things like breastfeeding and co sleeping, which it often is (especially as the two tend to go hand in hand). I actually just find it a really damaging and quite misogynistic view anyway, because it rests on this assumption that womens' entire purpose is to be mothers and to be needed, as well as catastrophising (wrong word but I can't find the right one) mental health issues. It is an ignorant and lazy assumption. If you are genuinely worried that a parent is inducing anxiety in their child or otherwise creating unhealthy dependency then by all means act to protect that child, but to base such an assumption solely on sleeping arrangements? Confused Bizarre beyond belief.

And again, does it not seem quite an unlikely explanation? I mean it's quite convoluted. There are a myriad of reasons why a child might co sleep for "longer" but surely the least complicated is just because they like to (or the opposite that they don't like being alone) and the parents genuinely don't mind? Isn't the least complicated reasoning usually the case? I think some people just lose all track of logic. They assume that because they would hate it, that everybody would hate it, leading to scenario A. Or they wonder why the child would want to do it, and instead of arriving at the far more logical conclusion of the child being anxious through nature or experience, arrive at scenario B. Of course the parents have created the anxiety. Right. That's in every good parent's goal list! Confused

BertieBotts · 22/04/2015 23:45

Oh look there we go, a perfect illustratory crosspost!

Goldmandra · 22/04/2015 23:49

It smacks of needy parents

Do some people have an image in their heads of parents dragging children into their beds for a cuddle in the night?

the nature of teenagers is to separate from parents...

Precisely and the vast majority of teenagers become very well able to assert their own wishes without worrying too much about hurting or rejecting their mum.

Any family which is co-sleeping to fulfill the needs of the parents against the wishes of the child has far more issues to deal with than just who sleeps where.

Floisme · 22/04/2015 23:58

This fixation with teenagers and parents still sleeping together is really quite comical.

Newsflash: Children grow away from their parents!

Co-sleeping doesn't change that - it just means they move away at their own pace.

purdiepie · 23/04/2015 00:00

Extended co-sleeping. Extended bfing. Both parent-driven in that mum doesn't know how to let go.

DisappointedOne · 23/04/2015 00:02

Oh my! Because you can force a child to breastfeed. (Hint, it actually requires them to participate.)

kinkyfuckery · 23/04/2015 00:03
Hmm Biscuit
purdiepie · 23/04/2015 00:12

I think mum saying to a screaming five year-old 'You want boobie?' is pretty much driving the child's belief that it needs mummy's breast to calm down. A five year old should have developed coping techniques away from the breast but mum has probably thwarted any attempts because she gets so much from it.

Same applies with older children co-sleeping.

Goldmandra · 23/04/2015 00:18

Both parent-driven in that mum doesn't know how to let go.

Rather, I think, the mum isn't bound by society's odd expectations that they withdraw these elements of parenting before the child decides they are ready.

There really is no good reason to stop either and I fear that most people do it simply because less intelligent members of society don't understand the difference between letting go and pushing a child away. Those people they feel threatened if other parents don't follow them like sheep so they feel obliged to put them down by making stupid comments like the one above.

I remember being fascinated by the revulsion I saw in other parents who knew I still BF my two year old while they were feeding theirs bovine breastmilk instead and congratulating themselves for being normal.

No doubt they would also think I was strange for allowing my 12YO to come and snuggle up at night when she's feeling frightened too because it would be far more normal to leave her terrified in a room on her own Confused

catkind · 23/04/2015 01:50

Ha ha ha ha ha, I don't use bf to stop my 3 yr old having a tantrum purdiepie. If she has a tantrum I wait for her to calm down and tell me with words what's wrong. I feed her when she asks politely for it, up to a limit of what I feel comfortable with. It seems to mean a lot to her, and doesn't bother me much, so we keep going. What am I "getting from it"? A happy child, that's about it.

I have two cosleepers, or fairly frequent cosleepers, 3 and 5. DS coslept since about 1 which is when we found the info about safe cosleeping, DD from birth with the help of a cosleeper cot.

I don't sleep with (as in actually sleep with) DH, I didn't before we had kids anyway because he snores so much that that would be the quick road to divorce. So the kids have a choice of two adult beds to share. (DH didn't cosleep when they were small as he is a deeper sleeper and we didn't think it was safe.)

As for not letting go - I very much enjoyed my week away from the kids at easter, and 5 yr old DS very much enjoys sleepovers and has his own room when he wants it (currently approximately never). We will shortly be arranging 3 yr old DD her own room for if/when she wants it.

I guess I'll miss them when no-one wants to cosleep with me any more. The cuddles and the peaceful little faces are nice. But also be pleased for them moving on to the next stage and enjoy having my bed to myself again. I don't see any need to push them, they'll hop when they're ready.

SingingHinnies · 23/04/2015 01:59

All mine co-slept then just moved into their own rooms when they wanted to, 6 yr old goes between my bed, being a big girl and going in her bed or her sisters bed, doesn't bother me where they sleep as long as we all get a good sleep

My dm used to make us go to sleep at 7pm when we were not even tired, used to lie awake for what felt like hours the used to get scared when my thoughts ran away with me, i would try and go n their bed and get chased after having nightmare's, remember vividly lying in bed terrified. No way do i want mine feeling like that, it was horrible

Roonerspism · 23/04/2015 02:11

The older I get, the more I couldn't give a toss about these issues. Really, if it works for some families then that is great and none of my business.

I never wanted to co sleep with mine and then number three came along with reflux.... If I didn't cosleep I simply wouldn't sleep. It's been how I have coped. She is still little but I am not seeing it ending until she is a happier baby at night.

Until recently, it was common for children to share a bed. My father slept in the same bed as his four brothers!

fulltothebrim · 23/04/2015 06:57

Good post bertie- so basically those of us who co-sleep are in the wrong, whichever reason.

So we are needy/controlling/insecure/afraid to let our children grow up.

HamishBamish · 23/04/2015 07:06

Both parent-driven in that mum doesn't know how to let go.

You could put that in reverse and say that parents who don't co-sleep and continue to bf past babyhood are selfish and desperate to make their children grow up too quickly.

Neither statements are true of course.

Goldmandra · 23/04/2015 07:13

I think mum saying to a screaming five year-old 'You want boobie?' is pretty much driving the child's belief that it needs mummy's breast to calm down.

Of course! We all see that happen every day, don't we? Have you ever seen it happen apart from, possibly, on TV? Confused

We're talking about normal extended bfing here, not 'freakshow' based TV broadcasting.