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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Co-sleeping. Why?

384 replies

goodnessgraciousgouda · 21/04/2015 10:18

Just to stress first off that this is not a thread to start a bun fight between people who do and don't co-sleep. It's not intended as a spiteful judgement of people who DO co-sleep.

It's just to try and understand why some people do it, as it's something that I literally cannot fathom.

I can understand co-sleeping for the first six months, as is recommended to prevent SID. I can understand people going a bit longer than that just to be on the safe side.

But why do some people co-sleep for YEARS on end? Is it when the child is a really bad sleeper generally? Or when there are underlying medical conditions?

Co-sleeping for long periods of time has always struck me as something which would completely override the relationship between the two parents. Which is why I'd be interested to know people's actual reasons for doing it (I'm not saying I'm right, it's just how I've always seen it).

I have tried looking at websites, but they have been so....unbearable. Almost like satire websites. I was hoping some people here might be able to explain it in less "hemp and kale" sort of terms.

OP posts:
Floisme · 23/04/2015 07:23

I hope parents who like to co-sleep won't be put off by some of these ludicrous and really quite warped comments.

My son's 16 now and no he hasn't slept with us for years and is a lovely, independent teen - I promise you'd never know by looking at him!

Mind you, he did come in and give me a hug before he went to bed last night and I hugged him back - I guess some people on here would say that was needy too.

BeeInYourBonnet · 23/04/2015 07:24

I have never been able to cosleep, because it was not recommended as we have very close family experience ofSIDS, when I have tried it out of desperation I didn't sleep a wink (although DH was fine with it!), both DCs have slept 12hrs per night since 5m.

I am always curious whether most people who cosleep go to bed at the same time as their DCs.

Floisme · 23/04/2015 07:27

No we didn't - we always came up to bed later. But we never had any problems settling him which may have been because he knew he wouldn't be on his own all night.

fulltothebrim · 23/04/2015 07:30

Why are you curious? I imagine there are as many variations as any other sleeping arrangement.
Do you always go to bed at the same time as your OH?

Does it matter?

I would often go to bed at the same time as my kids, take a snack, cuppa and a magazine- bliss.
Other times I may get LOs asleep and then get up again, returning to bed later in the evening.

Quite often I would let my toddlers crash on the sofa or a huge cushion we kept for that purpose then carry them upstairs asleep later
.
As long as everyone got their full quota of sleep then all was good.

BeeInYourBonnet · 23/04/2015 07:45

Just interested fulltothebrim. I've always been quite selfish about my evening time, and was very happy to get to the stage post-newborn where I got my evenings back. My only experience of cosleeping was out of desperation, when LO hadn't slept all evening, and I was just wondering if people manage to work it so they get that downtime.

I freely admit to not being particularly flexible with my parenting(or life more generally!) and am always a bit envious of people who go with the flow!

Floisme · 23/04/2015 07:53

Bee ask away - I'm always happy to explain to people who are curious. I just sometimes get a bit narky the 'rod for your back' crowd when it clearly wasn't in our case (our 'child' now being 16!)

fulltothebrim · 23/04/2015 07:54

beeinyourbonnet- make the most of your evening time- it doesn't last long. As your children grow then their bedtimes get later.
Cosy nights with hubby take on a new meaning when there are teenagers sharing it too.

Catsize · 23/04/2015 08:01

Everyone co-slept until the Victorians invented cots.
We do it because it is natural, ENCOURAGES independence, facilitates breastfeeding etc. And frankly it is delicious to snuggle up to mini people and wake up to their gorgeous squishy faces.
DS was in his own full-size single bed by 13mths, no problem. DD (14mths) is still with one of us. She has yet to sleep in a cot anywhere. Hopefully she never will.
DS, since DD was born, has migrated in the night to sleep with one of us, which is fine.
It is like musical beds in our house.
Just looking at cots makes me feel Sad

Catsize · 23/04/2015 08:04

Bee, it is fair to say - in my experience - that co-sleeping means shorter evening time, late meals (unless you eat with the children) and less 'me time' generally (as naps are in a bed too), but the trade off is so worth it.

catkind · 23/04/2015 08:04

Bee, for us children go to bed around 8.30, we go and do other stuff and fit in whatever beds have space when we're ready for bed.

fulltothebrim · 23/04/2015 08:33

catsize ENCOURAGES independence exactly this.

And people who don't understand this type of parenting can't see this.

Lipsync · 23/04/2015 08:55

It doesn't affect our evening time. One of us does bath and bedtime, 3 year old DS falls asleep after his story by 7.45 or so, we go straight back downstairs, have dinner, go for a run, do usual evening things, before going to bed around 11.

Hakluyt · 23/04/2015 09:08

I can't understand the "want your evenings" reason for not co sleeping. Surely whatever gets your child to sleep easily and quickly is the best way to facilitate that?

Sootgremlin · 23/04/2015 09:10

Well, for me my children didn't sleep for longer than two hours at a stretch as babies. Obviously if you can slong them in their bed and they sleep through till morning, you might make a different choice.

16 month old dd has just started to do a couple of hours in her own toddler bed (she never settled in a cot post-6months). We eat with the kids at 5.30/6 So DH and I have 2 hours to read, watch tv, piss around on the internet without a baby downstairs with us. Then when she wakes up DH brings her down and she has a breastfeed (I'm desperate to feed her by 9 o clock, I'm sure she wishes she didn't have to Wink) then she comes up with us when we go to bed.

It's only the last month or so she's spent any time in her bed, before that she would sleep on one of us all evening, we'd swap and take turns making tea etc. Or maybe have her next to us on the sofa. If this seems like a crazy thing to do, it is less crazy than what we did with my ds, which would be to try to settle him in his bed at all costs. This involved us having to go upstairs every couple of hours, pausing the film or whatever, and sitting in the dark alone until he went back to sleep, then try and put him down without disturbing him. That was no evening, I can tell you!

She'll spend gradually more time in her own bed I guess, until, like ds, she only comes in for a cuddle in the mornings at age 4.

The instances of extended breastfeeding or cosleeping that people hold as odd always seem to be extremes and yet it is suggested again and again, despite the majority of people who do those things saying iit does not match their experience.

woffington · 23/04/2015 09:13

I cosleptwith dc1. Relationship had broken down with ex and DC really liked it. I was all set up to do it with DC two. New partner and all. Only DC 2 liked sleeping in cot from day one. Both dcs share a room now. Dc1 loves it. DC 2 doesn't!

Sootgremlin · 23/04/2015 09:17

*sling them!

woffington · 23/04/2015 09:20

Oh, and yes I went to bed same time as dc1. I was depressed though and tired all the time from relationship breakdown. I do think it helped me bond with DC though. Interestingly DC 1 also coslept with ex. I sleep trained dc1 at 4 as started new relationship. It took two nights, no tears. DC 1 has been great sleeper ever since

fascicle · 23/04/2015 09:41

purdiepie
Extended co-sleeping. Extended bfing. Both parent-driven in that mum doesn't know how to let go.

The mum doesn't know how to let go, you say. Apart from that being unlikely and unsubstantiated nonsense, I'd like to point out that fathers co-sleep too, and some of them even instigate the whole thing in the first place.

Only1scoop · 23/04/2015 09:46

I love snuggles in the morning in our big bed and cartoons in there at the weekend....however the thought of co sleeping terrified me and reading this I'm glad I got dd into a great little bedtime routine early.... and she has always slept through.

Do co sleepers who do practice this from early on use no pillows sheets or duvets on their bed?

Original poster
goodnessgraciousgouda · 23/04/2015 09:47

I find it interesting that quite a few people have mentioned Japan and co-sleeping, and divorce rates over there.

I think it's difficult to compare the two when there are so many other societal differences though. Things are changing now of course, but traditionally divorce has had much more stigma than it does in the UK. Likewise, semi arranged marriages are still pretty rife (even one of my mates had her mother harassing her for a "marriage cv"), especially amongst the very elite. The "ideal" of a wife being a housewife once married is still much more prominent than in the UK.

I'm not saying it's a irrelevant comparison, but it is a bit more complicated than that.

Also a few people have said about this being something that people have always done and sleeping separately being a "fad". Okay, I can see that point, but there are lots of things which people have done for thousands upon thousands of years that we don't do any more. Settling in one place is pretty "fadish" considering we used to be nomads. Domesticating animals is pretty "fad"ish. Sleeping all in one room/bed was necessity rather than anything else. Hell, many people used to sleep in the same room as their livestock to protect them.

But those are just in response to a few posters who have been pretty dismissive of the question. It's interesting to read everyone elses views.

Personally, all of these responses have made me realise that I don't think I could co-sleep in the same bed, the main reason being that I just don't think it would be safe. I tend to move around a lot at night, and have been known to thrash, smacking DH in the face in the process.

It would feel like taking a priceless ming vase into bed with me!!

OP posts:
juniorcakeoff · 23/04/2015 09:49

ROFL at 'just looking at cots makes me feel sad'. Being woken up by a fat snoring baby whacking me in the face at 3am then trying to BF every 5 minutes just because I'm there makes me feel sad. Having at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep makes me feel very happy.

There is a lot of vagueness about cultural norms and history as always on MN. Vague 'traditional culture' is held up as aspirational without being closely examined. I am partly from a different culture where family all sleep in the same room, it is usually youngest baby that sleeps in parents bed whilst older children sleep in another bed with curtain in between. Many heave a sigh of relief when littlest one can go and sleep in a pile of kids and you get your bed back. Some cultures (Native Americans?) have historically used cradles.

When talking about history, I'm pretty sure rocking cribs / cradles/ bassinette type things were around at least in Tudor times.

hobNong · 23/04/2015 09:53

I don't do it for any emotional reasons, dd is in our bed because I breastfeed her and get a much less disturbed night if she's lying next to me. Much easier then having to get out of bed in the middle of the night and feed her/comfort her then put her back. It works for us.

LurcioAgain · 23/04/2015 10:00

Purely practical reasons here - I got more sleep that way. Admittedly not literally in same bed - I made a home-made bedside cot arrangement - but it meant DS knew he could get to me if he woke up. Stayed that way till he was 2 1/4. Then separate rooms - no problem at all since , which I put down to luck rather than my (admittedly Wink) fabulous parenting. I just have a child who's a good sleeper (albeit for a few hours less than the average, so I don't get much of an evening).

fascicle · 23/04/2015 10:06

juniorcakeoff
ROFL at 'just looking at cots makes me feel sad'. Being woken up by a fat snoring baby whacking me in the face at 3am then trying to BF every 5 minutes just because I'm there makes me feel sad. Having at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep makes me feel very happy.

Not sure why you are ROFL. The poster is talking about her feelings and preferences. As for your description of a fat, snoring, whacking baby, breastfeeding every five minutes - where did you get that notion from, and how many snoring babies have you come across? Just because they have easy access to breastfeeding, doesn't necessarily mean that they do it more frequently than if they weren't co-sleeping.

Catsize · 23/04/2015 10:08

Okay Junior. Glad I provided such amusement. Hmm
I feel a bit sorry for your 'fat snoring baby' now. Nice!