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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let my DC play with neighbour any more? Social services involved.

139 replies

ImNameyChangey · 15/04/2015 14:17

I've namechanged. I am a regular.

I became friendly last year when we moved, with a woman who has one child and lives opposite. She's very nice...I'm going to be honest though and add that she's also a little bit naive and a bit ignorant at times....but generally nice.

We spent a bit of time together having the odd coffee...her child is a bit younger than mine but mine liked playing with hers. So when she asked us round to play we went. Her home is well run...she works part time. She's in her 20s and I'm older so she began to confide in me...she saw me as a Mother figure I think.

She confided that she'd been in a hostel before having her child...and that now she has a child she has a "support worker". I asked why and she said it was becuase of PND. Fine.

Anyway she seems like a great Mother...happy child etc. She invited my DC over to play at hers sometimes...I'd let them go.

The other day she told me that she'd had an appointment with her support worker who wanted to arrange a TAF meeting...so she said she'd have to go with her ex...they wanted him there...and that it was all about "Getting her some support...making sure she had help when she needed it"

Googling has shown me that TAF seems to be "Team Around The Family" and is for at risk children.

What does this all mean? Should I be worried about my DC playing there? PLEASE don't judge me...or say I'm judgemental. I'm completely ignorant of why SS would be involved like this.

OP posts:
Jackieharris · 15/04/2015 14:33

Having support doesn't make her a bad parent or put your DC at risk.

Your DC is more at risk from their own family than from a stranger.

MNpostingbot · 15/04/2015 14:34

OP some of the names that have jumped on this have season tickets on the judgemental bandwagon, ignore them or have sympathy. There is one in particular who seems to lose the plot every time anyone from an apparently comfortable background dare make the most mild enquiry about someone from a more challenging background. It happens in every thread they are in, so it's not personal.

You phrased your post very reasonably and wanted to understand what circumstances might be at play here without offending a neighbour who you have been generally very postive about. Nothing at all wrong with that.

Andanotherthing123 · 15/04/2015 14:35

If a child has a disability, ss can organise a TAF to make sure the family is getting 'joined up' support. I was offered one for those reasons but declined as I didn't need it.

I would think having pnd could be another good reason for a TAF. If you are happy that she's a good mum and her child is well treated then it would seem logical that might be the reason for the TAF. Obvs I don't know that for sure.

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/04/2015 14:35

just think back to this thread when one day SS are on your back nameychangey. YOu think it only happens to other people right?

binspin · 15/04/2015 14:35

I hope the meeting goes well for her. We've got so much from our meetings. DS has got so much more help since we started having them and he loves going as he gets out of lessons Wink

FlabbyMummy · 15/04/2015 14:35

As SS are so very stretched I really would wonder why they are involved. You are not unreasonable to be worried, I would invite both the Mum and child around and ask how it went, maybe ask more questions.

MrsPeabody · 15/04/2015 14:36

I think you would be doing the right thing to stay at more of the play dates and hopefully she will confide in you more.

I don't think the op comes across as hysterical at all. It's sensible to question these things rather than be overly pc and possibly put her child at risk.

Welshmaenad · 15/04/2015 14:36

Team Around The Family is an intervention targeted at families with additional needs who don't really meet the threshold for actual social services interventions. Families can self refer as well as being referred by professionals. It's a first step preventative measure to address needs and problems, it's not something that's put in place when there are significant concerns about safeguarding.

Part of the process is identifying strengths, support networks and the community - it may be possible for you to go along to a TAF meeting with your friend if that's something you would be willing to do - your friendship and support would definitely be identified as a 'strength' and it would help you understand the process.

She may well face been referred due to PND, or other factors. I don't know how much you know of her history but if she's been in a hostel she may well even be a care leaver or have received ss services as a child herself and needs extra support with parenting due to poor role modelling from her own caregivers.

If you had no concerns about your child spending time with her before, this shouldn't really change the picture at all. No judgement for your concerns, it can be alarming if you don't understand the system. It sounds like you've been someone really positive in her life do I hope you're happy for that to continue.

juniorcakeoff · 15/04/2015 14:36

It is not for at risk children and in fact there may not be a social worker involved. Sometimes the frms are screened by a social wrker or a social worker who has done assessment suggests a TAF. Soetimes they come direct from a school or health visitor. It is for families who need a little more help for a time. e.g where a child is in dificulties at school and parents might want to access parenting support or 1:1 mentoring for the child - the TAF will meet and try to help with this. They are usually time limited with short term, achievable goals set by/with parents.

People in the TAF could be school, health visitor, children centre worker, sometimes a relative or friend. There might be an early intervention worker or FLO.

If the child was at risk there would not be a TAF.

SoupDragon · 15/04/2015 14:36

I think Dupludon is being hysterical.

All the OP did was express her ignorance about the whole thing and ask a simple question. All she needed was some reassurance that it can be perfectly innocent is nothing she needs to be worried about, she didn't need a verbal kicking from someone who's over reacted.

TeenAndTween · 15/04/2015 14:37

I'm an adopter, and ADD lived with BPs until she was 6. ADD still talks fondly of 'the nice lady across the corridor who used to give me biscuits'.

I would not be happy with a child being in her birth home as it was. By accounts it was physically unsafe, insufficient food, and inadequate supervision. But it was still considered 'good enough' for her to live there for 6 years.

It is in no way an of course let them go or an definitely no situation. A perfectly fine looking family can have problems that remain hidden. But in this case the OP knows the family are receiving support. It is not unreasonable to be concerned as to the welfare of her child when in their care.

Which is why it is always important child knows a safe get out if in someone else's house.

DishwasherDogs · 15/04/2015 14:37

Same as Bin. We have (or have had) a support worker and CAF meetings (like a TAF but can't remember what the C stands for!)
We are going through asd assessment process for ds and have had to do this to comply and so that the experts can tick boxes.
It probably has nothing to do with her parenting, or poor judgement, particularly if she has been so open about it.

MNpostingbot · 15/04/2015 14:39

Sunny, calm down.

SS don't select people at random and people are more than entitled to ask why they might be involved, particularly if this is a world they haven't been exposed to.

MrsPeabody · 15/04/2015 14:40

Well said Soupdragon.

Favouritethings · 15/04/2015 14:40

She is clearly very open and honest with you. She could have said nothing and you would have been none the wiser. I personally wouldn't cut the play dates that my child enjoys if a mother had volunteered this information.

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/04/2015 14:41

the child is not considered to be 'at risk' if it is a TAF meeting, OP.
If that was the case it would be a CP meeting.

Summeblaze · 15/04/2015 14:41

I was at one point told I may need to have a TAF meeting. It was to do with my DS's SN (invisible ones, my DS looks fine). It basically means that if there are a few people involved with the family then they all get together to discuss rather than a game of Chinese whispers. The people in my TAF meeting would have been us, nursery teacher and SENCO, ed psych, SALT and his paediatrician. In the end it didn't happen though.

I am 37. Happily married to my DH. Been together 23 years. Have 3 children 11, 7 and 3. DH has a good job, I work PT and live in a well kept home. Pretty sure I'm a good mum.

You are being judgemental but I guess you already know this.

WorraLiberty · 15/04/2015 14:41

Blimey, did some people miss this part of the opening post?

PLEASE don't judge me...or say I'm judgemental. I'm completely ignorant of why SS would be involved like this

Cut her some slack ffs Confused

duplodon · 15/04/2015 14:41

Hysterical is a deeply misognyistic term, but hey, if that floats your boat...

The OP posts in AIBU she is considering stopping a friendship between children because a parent is getting support from a TAF. Sorry, but that is not a thread in chat looking for advice and information on a topic you don't have much experience or knowledge of.

If you want simple advice and reassurance, it's best to avoid deeply inflammatory thread titles.

binspin · 15/04/2015 14:42

dish- common assessment framework. They are also called TAC (team around the child) meetings as well just to confuse matters.

MNpostingbot · 15/04/2015 14:42

good post Welsh. Learned something, thankyou

WorraLiberty · 15/04/2015 14:43

'Hysterical' is a term used for anyone of either sex, by anyone of either sex, when someone is being....well how can I put it?

Oh yes, hysterical.

MNpostingbot · 15/04/2015 14:43

Oh for gods sake "hysterical is a mysogenist term"

I've heard it all now!

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/04/2015 14:43

postingbot, I know SS do not 'select people at random' but but dumping off people that have a social worker is a bit extreme non? Especially when any of us parents might need support, if not now then in the future. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

JacquesHammer · 15/04/2015 14:43

the child is not considered to be 'at risk' if it is a TAF meeting, OP.
If that was the case it would be a CP meeting

Isn't that what the OP was asking............

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