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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not let my DC play with neighbour any more? Social services involved.

139 replies

ImNameyChangey · 15/04/2015 14:17

I've namechanged. I am a regular.

I became friendly last year when we moved, with a woman who has one child and lives opposite. She's very nice...I'm going to be honest though and add that she's also a little bit naive and a bit ignorant at times....but generally nice.

We spent a bit of time together having the odd coffee...her child is a bit younger than mine but mine liked playing with hers. So when she asked us round to play we went. Her home is well run...she works part time. She's in her 20s and I'm older so she began to confide in me...she saw me as a Mother figure I think.

She confided that she'd been in a hostel before having her child...and that now she has a child she has a "support worker". I asked why and she said it was becuase of PND. Fine.

Anyway she seems like a great Mother...happy child etc. She invited my DC over to play at hers sometimes...I'd let them go.

The other day she told me that she'd had an appointment with her support worker who wanted to arrange a TAF meeting...so she said she'd have to go with her ex...they wanted him there...and that it was all about "Getting her some support...making sure she had help when she needed it"

Googling has shown me that TAF seems to be "Team Around The Family" and is for at risk children.

What does this all mean? Should I be worried about my DC playing there? PLEASE don't judge me...or say I'm judgemental. I'm completely ignorant of why SS would be involved like this.

OP posts:
MNpostingbot · 15/04/2015 14:20

No idea I'm afraid, just posting to say it's a valid question and hope you don't get a judgey response.

Hope it works out

Original poster
ImNameyChangey · 15/04/2015 14:22

Thank you MN I don't want to be unfairly judgmental but neither do I want my children around a person with poor judgement...it's not always practical for me to go with them when she asks...they seem to enjoy going but what do they know?

OP posts:
SirDiddymus · 15/04/2015 14:22

It could be due to the ex partner if SS felt he posed a risk while your neighbour was in a relationship with him. That could explain the hostel (getting out quickly) and SS involvement. They'd want to monitor the situation and possibility of your neighbour and her ex restarting a relationship.

But really that's speculation. It could be any number of things. If she's a good mum and you're not worried about how she treats her child or yours then I think YABU to stop your child playing there.

Original poster
ImNameyChangey · 15/04/2015 14:23

I was wondering if maybe the TAF thing could simply be because she had PND....in which case I wouldn't mind as it would be SS just keeping an eye on her as she's vulnerable in that way...not sure! Aaagh...so hard.

OP posts:
LadyPenny · 15/04/2015 14:24

I wouldn't worry, as you've been to her house and say she is a good parent.

Original poster
ImNameyChangey · 15/04/2015 14:25

Sir no the hostel was before she had the baby or was even pregnant. The Ex has weekly access alone with his child...she goes to him...he also visits and seems nice...works full time and is intelligent seeming and the child is glad to see him etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImNameyChangey · 15/04/2015 14:25

Lady yes but why is TAF and SS involved? Why is her child "at risk"? IF she is a good parent?

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 15/04/2015 14:26

Umm. That's hard.

I guess she may need help keeping it all together 24/7 rather than there being any suspected intentional issue. Any chance you feel OK to ask her for more details as to why she is getting the support?

So: if the house is safe and you trust her to supervise OK, then fine. Maybe only for max 2 hours at a time. Maybe also you can do more than your fair share of hosting.

How old is your DD? Have you had a talk ever about 'if you are ever at someone's house and you feel unsafe or uncomfortable then say you feel ill and get the parent to phone me' chat?

A vulnerable family needs encouragement not ostracising. But you do need to feel that your DD will be safe.

duplodon · 15/04/2015 14:26

Oh my God! Are you serious? You don't want your child to play with another child because they're getting support from external agencies?

We can all have poor judgment. It's called being human. She's obviously had PND and a crappy relationship. So far, so normal. What exactly do you think the threat might be to your child from playing with hers?

duplodon · 15/04/2015 14:27

People get support because they need support, not because they are terrible parents! Christ on a bike.

SunnyBaudelaire · 15/04/2015 14:27

so you have been to her house and consider her to be a good mum?
YABVU and v judgemental.
One day you might have SS involvement - how would you feel to be dumped off by your friends at that point? And how would your child feel?
Some people.

Original poster
ImNameyChangey · 15/04/2015 14:27

Teen exactly. I do want to support her but obviously to a point where i am also comfortable.

Duplodon you are the ONLY poster to get hysterical about my natural concern.

External agencies being involved could be for all sorts of reasons!!

OP posts:
merrygoround51 · 15/04/2015 14:27

I would be inclined to only have playdates whilst I was there. I know that you can never tell what anyones situation is but you do know that there are some ongoing issues here so I would err on the side of caution, but not say anything iyswim

ElectraCute · 15/04/2015 14:28

There may be any number of reasons why SS are involved and very few of them will mean that your dc would be unsafe in her home.

Original poster
ImNameyChangey · 15/04/2015 14:28

Duplodon so you think ALL parents who get some SS support are good parents ALL the time?? Then you're very naive.

I can only consider her a good parent to a certain extent. I am not party to her whole past!

OP posts:
binspin · 15/04/2015 14:29

My autistic child has TAF meetings, he's not at risk and neither are his play dates.

It simply means that all professionals involved in working with the child (in our case senco, speech and language, support worker, teacher and us as parents) are invited together. Rather than senco saying that something is down to salt and salt saying it is sencos job etc.

Why didn't you just ask her instead of googling? Did she actually mention SS or did google say SS? I'm sure she wouldn't mind you asking op else she wouldn't have mentioned it.

Droflove · 15/04/2015 14:29

She may simply have been part of the system prior to having a child. Maybe raised in care? Maybe she was classified as a vulnerable teen because if her past? You'd be amazed how closely some people are watched once their cards have been marked in early life.

Original poster
ImNameyChangey · 15/04/2015 14:29

Merry thank you. That's good advice I think. Given that I have some concerns...I will just offer to come along in future.

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 15/04/2015 14:30

and I do not think Duplodon is being 'hysterical' I think you are.

WorraLiberty · 15/04/2015 14:30

Well she seems quite open about it so why not ask how the meeting went, and see if she wants to confide some more?

I wouldn't worry at all in your shoes. You say she's a good mum and she only lives across the road.

You probably know more about her than any other of the friends your kids are likely to visit.

PeruvianFoodLover · 15/04/2015 14:31

TAFs are great - they're an early intervention method to avoid social services having to get fully involved.

Often led by an agency other than social services (such as the school, children's centre or similar) they bring together different professionals that the family could use help from and give the family access to what are called "targeted early help" services; things like parenting classes, youth support, and similar that aren't available universally.

To get a TAF meeting, the family would have to agree; it can't be done to a family, iyswim? These processes have been introduced after various tragedies have happened and the idea is to prevent families having to seek support and assessment from various agencies over and over again - so if mum needs respite care due to PNd, plus parenting classes, and a child needs Play therapy, or teen needs a homework club, it can all be assessed together rather than having to fill in 4-5 different forms with the same info. Regular meetings assess the effectiveness of the support - and whether the family are complying.

Personally, I think it's an indication of how much she trusts you that she has confided in you and told you about it. While it's good to know about it, I don't think it's an indication of additional risk to your DC.

Original poster
ImNameyChangey · 15/04/2015 14:31

Bin that's the sort of helpful post I was looking for thank you. Her DD hasn't got any SN but it's good to know tat TAF meetings can be for all sorts of reasons.

8Droflove* that's a possibility given some of what she's told me of her teen years.

OP posts:
binspin · 15/04/2015 14:31

Also the fact that she is getting help for whatever reason is good. How many friends do you visit aren't getting help when they should be?

WorraLiberty · 15/04/2015 14:31

I can only consider her a good parent to a certain extent. I am not party to her whole past!

Which will be exactly the same with all your kid's friend's parents.

ElectraCute · 15/04/2015 14:32

I can only consider her a good parent to a certain extent. I am not party to her whole past!

Well, tbf you could say the same about pretty much anyone.

OP, no one can tell you what to do. It's unlikely that it's anything for you to be concerned about, though. If you are that worried, why not ask her? She obviously feels comfortable enough to tell you stuff.