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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yes IABU but the love of my life is getting married to someone else

244 replies

ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 15:13

I've always been in love with a man who I met 7 years ago. Although we are not close we have many mutual friends and I've always thought we'd by some stroke of magic end up together.
Yesterday during conversation one of my close friends who happens to be one of his best friends asked me if I was going to be in the city the wedding is taking place in as he's going to be there for the wedding and thought maybe we could meet up. I had no idea that he was seeing someone let alone getting married but it's now time to give up the dream. He should have married me

OP posts:
Jackie401 · 14/04/2015 23:16

I totally totally get you. I don't think you are silly at all. You will meet someone else, I promise. Just keep that in mind. Flowers

Jackie401 · 14/04/2015 23:17

Oh and I agree with the above poster. Beautiful story

snowglobemouse · 14/04/2015 23:20

Delete him from fb/ forget his email address etc. It will be hard but much better for you in the long run Smile

mynewpassion · 14/04/2015 23:33

You welcome, OP.

MonstrousRatbag · 14/04/2015 23:35

OP,it certainly wasn't my intention to abuse or troll. I'm sorry I upset you.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/04/2015 23:45

OP, have you not got much going on in your own life? Have you moved somewhere a bit isolated, or just away from family and most of your friends? I do get the impression that you are a bit lonely and that you might have rather 'dropped off the radar' with a lot of your friendship group - at least the friends that you have in common with this man. It sounds as though you were never on his radar for more than a few minutes anyway, and hopefully the distancing you feel from the other friends is not because you have done anything stalkerish to this man in the past.
I think looking out for a new hobby and new friends is probably the best thing youcould do for yourself at present.

Bogeyface · 15/04/2015 00:04

but if he does love me.....

If he did then he would be marrying you, or at the very least, not marrying her.

You have made the right decision, vent on here :)

GraysAnalogy · 15/04/2015 00:08

OP I hope you feel better soon. It's been a long time and you can't keep holding on for him. I don't understand how you can possibly love someone who you know so little but hey ho, doesn't mean your feelings aren't strong whatever they are.

emotionsecho · 15/04/2015 02:27

Look at the facts, OP, you're not invited to the wedding, you have had so little contact you didn't even know he was getting married, he doesn't consider you a friend let alone anything more.

Don't make a complete and utter fool of yourself by sending any texts or emails.

He hasn't given you a second thought over the years, he's found someone to love and who loves him and he wants to share his life with her.

His wife to be loves the real him as she knows him warts and all, you don't.

kissmethere · 15/04/2015 08:52

I do have sympathy op, as others have said its time to let go and move on. Getting married is the finale really and it must be hard to swallow.
You'll probably hold a torch for him but let it be just that, accept this is happening is the first way forward. Sorry lots of cliches but they do hold truth. Next time you see him try and be aloof I know i would. It burns but you'll feel better in time, another true cliche. Good luck.

WizardofSnoz · 15/04/2015 09:07

You say you've been through the relationship mill and I think if that's the case these kind of infatuations are subconsciously self protecting. You invest all your frustrated emotion in what is essentially a fantasy relationship. You know it's going nowhere but that's what you want because it deals with those feelings and the need for some sort of emotional connection without the risk of rejection.

Then something like this happens and it feels like the most tremendous rejection of all.

I understand OP. Not for so long but I've had similar sorts of feelings and it is just a method of psychological self protection, but a risky one because the 'fantasy man' doesn't even know it's happening and may well move on and it's crushing. But please remember it's not personal.

ImperialBlether · 15/04/2015 11:28

If he was the love of your life, how come when he was single and you were with someone, you didn't dump that person and pursue him? The reason you didn't has to be because you were happy with the guy you were with - happier than you thought you'd be with this guy.

GingerLDN · 15/04/2015 11:47

You ever heard the saying 'you can't see green cheese without wanting it'? You want him now because someone else is marrying him. You said yourself you were over him until you heard about the wedding. And you had the chance years ago but never took it. I felt for you in your first post but the more you write the more I think you need to get real. It's normal to feel like this but not do anything about it. I sense a restraining order in your future if you're not careful (half kidding)

TheChandler · 15/04/2015 15:32

ImperialBlether If he was the love of your life, how come when he was single and you were with someone, you didn't dump that person and pursue him? The reason you didn't has to be because you were happy with the guy you were with - happier than you thought you'd be with this guy.*

That's what I can't understand either. The OP had moved back to the same town as him at that time too. And surely, at any stage in the intervening 9 years, if the OP were as much in love with him as she claims, she would have engineered a few meetings, or taken up a shared hobby or interest, so as to give it a chance?

Instead, she seems to have forlornly pined in the hope that a Cadbury's Milk Tray advert would morph into real life. Possibly the OP is happier actually pining than doing.

AuntieDee · 22/04/2015 11:03

OP please tell me you didn't email him :(

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/04/2015 12:11

Step away from the faux-sad face and drop the spoon, AuntieDee.

I was thinking of the OP on Saturday, wouldn't have stirred it all up again though.

AuntieDee · 22/04/2015 12:18

LWITW - what exactly has that contributed? Nasty comment of no value

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/04/2015 12:51

You've come on to the thread a week later to enquire whether OP has sent the e-mail that she said she wasn't going to send. She's either come to terms with this or she hasn't. Your post was just to stir and be disingenuous in your concern for OP, so don't pretend it was anything other than that.

TenerifeSea · 22/04/2015 13:11

I've noticed that some people treat certain threads like they're a TV show, looking for the next installment and they forget that this about real people with real feelings and real lives.

Sparklingbrook · 22/04/2015 13:13

All the time Tenerife.

finnbarrcar · 22/04/2015 13:29

Agree. I posted here about two years ago under a different account about a teen pregnancy that was causing a lot of family angst and someone's contribution was "ooh I can't wait to see what happens next" like it was a soap. Can't stand these ghouls

ollieplimsoles · 22/04/2015 13:48

Sorry I've only skimmed the messages and read the op's posts..

Am I the only one who feels a bit sorry for his future wife- all this going on behind her back??

and when you say things like 'she will never love him as much as I could' OP you are being really harsh. How could you possibly know that?? you only just caught up with his life recently, you have no idea what they have been through together.

I don't mean to be rude or sound harsh myself but this situation isn't helping anyone.

Roussette · 22/04/2015 14:12

FWIW - I thought Amanda's comments were quite amusing Grin because let's face it, this is a totally ridiculous situation.

Over time I think There you have built this barely-acquaintance into some sort of mirage/fantasy. You have had no reality with this man to speak of - it's the equivalent of seeing someone through a train window or some stranger holding the door open for you, then imagining it is the love of your life.

As for the When Harry Met Sally email, dear god, please NO. It's unfair on yourself (prolonging the agony, unfair on him and her so so much.) Let him go. Let him enjoy his wedding day without some very odd email sent just before, let him be loved by the Love Of His Life (his future wife, not you.) Please don't say you love him more than her, that is mean.

An old friend/ex came back into my DH's life - he was very open about it, she came here for a meal etc, she emailed and texted him continuously, kept wanting to meet him for a drink. I got the sense she thought she could win him back over me. Stupid woman. My DH (who is a bit dense at times and didn't realise she was coming onto him with her bombardment) had to be told what I thought she was doing, and I let him handle it himself with no ultimatums from me. She made a right fool of herself and DH extricated himself and stopped answering her texts and emails so her stupid behaviour lost the casual friendship they had.

There put him out of your mind, he has never been yours. Look forward not back.

Roussette · 22/04/2015 14:16

Oooops! Thought the wedding was on this coming Saturday, I've been offline for a week.
I hope There has moved on from this.

ollieplimsoles · 22/04/2015 14:31

Rousette_

I did the same I thought it was this coming Saturday! :D

Similar thing happened to my hubby, we had been together 4 years- girl in his uni class became obsessed with him and convinced she was the love of his life (they exchanged about two words in as many years) when she found out we were engaged she emailed him saying the whole 'She will never love you as much as me..' really hurt me and I was furious with her.

Glad things were resolved with your DH too!

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