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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yes IABU but the love of my life is getting married to someone else

244 replies

ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 15:13

I've always been in love with a man who I met 7 years ago. Although we are not close we have many mutual friends and I've always thought we'd by some stroke of magic end up together.
Yesterday during conversation one of my close friends who happens to be one of his best friends asked me if I was going to be in the city the wedding is taking place in as he's going to be there for the wedding and thought maybe we could meet up. I had no idea that he was seeing someone let alone getting married but it's now time to give up the dream. He should have married me

OP posts:
Wombat22 · 14/04/2015 18:57

You sound deranged imo
Biscuit

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 14/04/2015 18:59

when I heard that my ex got married I sent him/them a funny congrats card.

But the big difference is I dumped him 4 years before and when I heard he got married I had already been engaged to now DH so it meant nothing, but a way of saying "yay we are both happy - with other people"Smile
I actually know her and she is very nice.
(in fact I pointed her out to him as a lovely looking girl he should try to chat up instead of trying to win me back!
he did. they've been married for 16 years! true story)

there's no way I would text this man in your case There
just no.

it's tough and it will hurt but you have to get over it.
Thanks

icelollycraving · 14/04/2015 19:02

I haven't read all the thread,be kind to yourself. Unrequited love is a fucker. Go out with your friends & get as drunk as a skunk. Flowers
Do not email!!!

FreudiansSlipper · 14/04/2015 19:03

she is not deranged how nasty

she feels heartbroken

most people have bored their friends silly with if only I had, or did he mean .... , built something into something it is not and cried tears over a relationship which was not something we thought it was or should have been

sometime soon op may cringe at this thread but right now this is how she feels

Satsumafairy · 14/04/2015 19:06

Another thing to think about is that sometimes you can't have what you want (or who you want) no matter how much you want it. That's a hard fact of life. I don't say that lightly but it actually helps to really think about this sometimes. I'd have loved more than one child but I couldn't, it was painful at the time to acknowledge it and cope with it but I got over it and am grateful and happy now. You probably can't have this man but you will get over him and will probably be alot more receptive to other men as a result.

I'm honestly not trying to be harsh, just trying to think of a way to get you out of your head and moving on a little bit.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 14/04/2015 19:06

You had your chance(s) over the years and didn't pursue it then. You need to come to peace with that and find a way to get on with your life with a real, not fantasy, man in it

Original poster
ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 19:07

Thanks for the abuse FitouForMe. No I'm not 14, nor am I drunk. But thanks for the insight.

A few of our mutual friends did know but we've all moved so far away, to different countries and cities that everyone's life just went on without everyone really knowing precisely what was going on in everyone else's life.

Yes I know I should get a grip. That much I know. I won't stage anything dramatic because I know that I stand to make myself look like an idiot and perhaps destroy the union he is building with his future wife. I didn't know he was getting married. And no, when he was single and I was in a relationship I wasn't willing to just break up with the guy I was then seeing to go see him on a whim, even though i was still in love with him, so perhaps this is a massive over reaction to his impending wedding.

I just wondered if I should say something to him, after all, I do love him and I hope somehow he might love me too. Thanks for all the practical replies, to whomever said that I need someone to come over this weekend to "sit on me" that is very true! I've had gmail open for the past 20 mins and I've written and re-written various e-mails to him. To whoever said how would I feel if this was my future husband receiving e-mails from some girl he had a thing with 7 years ago, to be honest I'd be annoyed. I know that. I'm not totally delusional! I understand these things, I just happen to really really love him.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 14/04/2015 19:08

I think we all have been there and know how unrequited love feels, but when you start saying you love someone more than their wife, and if you really believe the person involved is going to dump their fiancée 4 days before the wedding for you, then it is starting to get out of hand.

I hope you are expressing more than you really feel, OP. Try to get a grip and keep busy. Stay away from him.

hampsterdam · 14/04/2015 19:09

Unrequited love is horrible but now you just sound ridiculous.

I have loved a friend of mine for 15 years, we were together for a while as teenagers but didn't work out and we stayed friends. I still love him, I think he loves me too, but we have both moved on, as life does, loving him is just a part of me I accept. I know him warts and all known him since we were 7 and I still love him. If he marries I will be happy for him, that's what real love is. He moved away and it broke my heart like I literally felt it break but I waved him off and I'm happy he's happy. And of course someone else can love him as much as I do he's a bloody fantastic bloke!

Original poster
ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 19:10

FitouForMe
MonstrousRatbag
mynewpassion
Wombat22

Thank you all for clicking on my thread to abuse and troll me, you must all feel so happy with yourselves! oh, how cute are you all!?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 14/04/2015 19:11

Please don't send any emails There. It really isn't a good idea, I am sure you know that.

He has presumably been with wife to be quite a long time, possibly years.

if it wasn't for the mutual friend mentioning it you would be none the wiser.

Royalsighness · 14/04/2015 19:12

Whatever you do, don't drink 2 bottles of cheap white wine, drunkenly apply slap and throw on your most seductive outfit and shoes, get a taxi to the wedding to congratulate them in person and attempt to make a move. That would be awful.

Sallystyle · 14/04/2015 19:13

It's not real love, he has never been in your life properly and you do not love him more than his fiancee does because you don't know him well enough and you are not building a life with him or even dated him. You didn;t even know he was dating someone let alone getting married so he is not the love of your life.

That said I understand how easy it can be to build someone up in your head and have a fantasy life, and this is just a fantasy, but it doesn't make it hurt any less does it? Is there a deeper reason why you have built this up in your head to the extent you feel like you love him more than the woman he is about to marries does? If I was you I would be questioning how I got to this stage.

And one day I bet you will look back on this and realise you were being a bit silly and will probably laugh about it, but right now you are hurting so Thanks to you and I hope you start to feel better about it all soon.

Satsumafairy · 14/04/2015 19:13

OP, please don't email him. Even if you do believe that you love him more than his future wife what possible good can it do now? He's not going to cancel the wedding is he? How about writing down your feelings in a message that you never send? I've done that before just to offload when I'v e felt really upset or angry about something.

Iseesheep · 14/04/2015 19:13

justusemyname my husband couldn't care less seeing as we've been together since the day I jettisoned the ex 21 years ago. If he got married tomorrow I'd be slightly sad as it'd be the end of a very long era and I'd miss the, now tongue in cheek (I hope), messages. Because he's a friend. You can call me immature if it pleases you; I've been accused of worse.

I hope you've managed to take a large step back now OP!

EnchanciaAnthem · 14/04/2015 19:15

Ahh OP I feel for you. I am happily married, but there is a guy who was 'something at first sight' - not love, because I've realised that love is the feeling of absolutely knowing somebody, going through hell with them and still adoring them even when you've seen the very worst of them.

But, my 'something at first sight' guy - there was definitely a connection, it was a dramatic will we/won't we and it was all very exciting. Sometimes, I dream about him or think about him and allow myself a little minute to indulge the what ifs. It's pleasant and delightfully torturous at the same time.

I'd be a bit gutted if he got married. Which I'm sure he will, one day!

BUT, none of that comes close to comparing with how I feel about my husband and our marriage. The incredible depth of feeling that comes from completely sharing your life with somebody that you adore is amazing. So OP, if you think this guy is the love of your life and that you can't imagine loving anybody more - you should be heartened and excited. Because you will, and that means that the best is yet to come. I hope you'll be okay.

Satsumafairy · 14/04/2015 19:18

What a lovely post Enchancia! I hope OP finds some comfort there.

Royalsighness · 14/04/2015 19:19

Lovely words enchancia very true

Playthegameout · 14/04/2015 19:20

Go out for a walk now. don't sit there typing something you'll come to regret. You need to think clearly. I did love a very good friend of mine, he moved across the world and we lost touch. I never told him I loved him, though we did sleep together once. I didn't hear from him in a year, during this time I met my DH. He blew the other guy out of the water and I fell head over heels. My friend got back in touch and we are very good mates. He came to our wedding, we will be attending his. If I had told him I was in love with him there would have been no way we could be friends as we are now. When I said wait until after the day, it's because you are not acting rationally now.

ImperialBlether · 14/04/2015 19:21

Actually, I know who you're talking about, OP. I had a fling with him a while ago and actually, he's not that nice, you know. And in bed? No. It wasn't good. Leave him to marry her, now. You really don't want him.

Playthegameout · 14/04/2015 19:23

Enchancia almost a x post sorry but you are so right.

Joan0fArk · 14/04/2015 19:26

Just because love isnt reciprocated doent make it a delusion!

Marmiteandjamislush · 14/04/2015 19:33

YABSU there are no words. You can't possibly love someone you don't know and by the sounds of it, have never known. You've built up this ridiculous Disney fantasy of you and him, which is not and never will be real. If you real loved him, you wouldn't even be contemplating ruining such an important day for him. I also think that you sound really horrible and self important to say his future wive, cannot love him like you do. How rude and arrogant of you. You're right though, she cannot love him as you do, she loves the man, not a myth! This thread just shows you are a total drama queen who can't bear not being at the centre of everything. You were not friends, you were acquaintances, if you were friends, you'd have been invited to the wedding. You weren't even told about it! Wake up, smell the coffee and get your own live, instead of ligging off of others to prop up your fantasies.

Marmiteandjamislush · 14/04/2015 19:33

YABSU there are no words. You can't possibly love someone you don't know and by the sounds of it, have never known. You've built up this ridiculous Disney fantasy of you and him, which is not and never will be real. If you real loved him, you wouldn't even be contemplating ruining such an important day for him. I also think that you sound really horrible and self important to say his future wive, cannot love him like you do. How rude and arrogant of you. You're right though, she cannot love him as you do, she loves the man, not a myth! This thread just shows you are a total drama queen who can't bear not being at the centre of everything. You were not friends, you were acquaintances, if you were friends, you'd have been invited to the wedding. You weren't even told about it! Wake up, smell the coffee and get your own live, instead of ligging off of others to prop up your fantasies.

Mia1415 · 14/04/2015 19:34

Unrequited love is awful. I'm still in 'love' with the guy I was besotted with at school (it's been nearly 18 years now!)