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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Yes IABU but the love of my life is getting married to someone else

244 replies

ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 15:13

I've always been in love with a man who I met 7 years ago. Although we are not close we have many mutual friends and I've always thought we'd by some stroke of magic end up together.
Yesterday during conversation one of my close friends who happens to be one of his best friends asked me if I was going to be in the city the wedding is taking place in as he's going to be there for the wedding and thought maybe we could meet up. I had no idea that he was seeing someone let alone getting married but it's now time to give up the dream. He should have married me

OP posts:

Momagain1 · 14/04/2015 18:12

Next time, dont wait for magic to get you together. Contact the man and make a date.

ShakesBootyFlabWobbles · 14/04/2015 18:13

Let it go. Stop wasting time on a fantasy, move on and go meet someone fantastic.

Do not contact him, the thing in your head that NEVER happened in his, is completely over.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, tough love

MonstrousRatbag · 14/04/2015 18:15

What if you email and get no response? Would you email again? Call?

Contact is a slippery slope to an injunction, in your state of mind.

drbonnieblossman · 14/04/2015 18:16

It'll sting OP. It's an awful feeling as in your head you've built up something.

Whoosh as it sounds, I am and always have been a big believer in fate. Sometimes putting things down to fate is the only way to resolve things in your head and I think this is that time for you.

The idea of him could have been so much better than the reality.

It wasn't meant to be. You both together is not meant to be.

Hard as it feels, be pleased for him.

Justusemyname · 14/04/2015 18:20

Why would you be sad, Iseesheep? That sounds immature and like you enjoy the drama. Does your DH enjoy it too?

OP, I feel for you. My first love married the woman he was dating when I was last with him. I had no idea he had a girlfriend and we had been together for years before he met her. I always felt he was mine but she married him knowing he has cheated on her. He plans to leave her when their child is an adult. He will always feel like mine but that is ridiculous and we no longer speak as we can't be friends.

Acknowledge this is a shock and you are sad but use this as a lesson to never let something you want go by again without having the nerve to try and do/get it.

Original poster

ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 18:22

Ok, I didn't mean to sound so dramatic or over the top! I just think he is making a mistake because I love him. I won't get in the way of their precious, fantastic marriage or wedding. But surely you would want to know if someone was in love with you? But how can I watch him casually walk out of my life? Whoever said that I'd be alienated by our friendship group, yes, that is very true so I'm second guessing myself over that, but if he does love me maybe it'd be worth it?. I can't believe they are getting married on Saturday. It's crazy. Why? I've known him longer and I think I'll always love him. Thing is I had 'let it go' but I didn't think he'd be getting married fgs! I thought it was just a matter of time before we ended up together.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 18:23

And yes, I will be pleased for him. He found happiness.

OP posts:

MagicMojito · 14/04/2015 18:23

Delete him from your life OP.
Block him from Facebook. Delete his number. Delete his email address.

Seriously OP, do it for your own good. He wasn't meant for you.

Sorry, it really sucks arse

Sparklingbrook · 14/04/2015 18:24

He hasn't casually walked out of your life. He hasn't been in your life, for 7 years.
He could have been married before in those 7 years, or lived with someone else for a few of them.

Strokethefurrywall · 14/04/2015 18:25

For fucks sake woman, give your head a wobble and get a grip on yourself!!

UncertainSmile · 14/04/2015 18:26

Why I am I thinking about the end of 'The Graduate' here.

BoozeyTuesday · 14/04/2015 18:29

If he really meant that much to you, you'd have told him before now, and vice versa.

MonstrousRatbag · 14/04/2015 18:30

But surely you would want to know if someone was in love with you?

Only if I already had feelings for him. Having randoms declare love for you is not generally a good experience. Just unsettling and intrusive.

This man hasn't got feelings for you, or he'd have gone through mutual friends to track you down and start a relationship ages ago.

Look up de Clerambault's syndrome.

MaidOfStars · 14/04/2015 18:30

I've always been in love with a man who I met 7 years ago

does not gel with:

Around 4 years ago I moved to 'his' city for work but we missed each other as I was seeing someone and he was single

or:

He did ask me out once but at the time I was in a relationship

You were seeing someone else, remained seeing someone else, and refused to go out with the man you are apparently in love with?

I hope you're joking about contacting him to either congratulate him or tell him you love him. It's a fucking terrible idea, and an utterly selfish one.

Given that:

When I then became single, it transpired he was seeing someone

didn't cause him to run into your arms last time, then I really don't see why this time is any different.

He is going to ignore you. And you will have tried to deliberately sabotage what should be a lovely week for him and his soon-to-be-wife. Who, I'm sure, loves him as much as is humanly possible.

Get a grip

Justusemyname · 14/04/2015 18:30

If he wanted you he would have made it happen. Sorry to be harsh but it is true. Once you believe it getting over him will be easier.

silveroldie2 · 14/04/2015 18:30

Pull yourself together OP, he was never actually 'in your life'. If he loved you don't you think he might have contacted you some time in the past seven years? If he loved you would he be getting married to someone else on Saturday? No he doesn't love you.

I know its sad but you have to get a grip and get on with your life and for god's sake do not send him congratulations.

FreudiansSlipper · 14/04/2015 18:31

not sure he would want to know

an ex of mine told me he wished we had never split up and he had children with me

he is married with two children

it did not make me feel good, it made me feel uncomfortable but I do believe him to some extent, that I am the one that got away when things are not going so well, other times I am probably just an ex he was once in love with

lastjaffacake · 14/04/2015 18:31

I mean this in the kindest way possible, the fact that you've "known him longer" doesn't mean anything. As for watching him walk out of your life, he's not in your life now. Sporadic contact via email/FB isn't comparable to what he has with his Fiancee. He loves her. He's marrying her, which means he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Even if you could, would you really want to ruin that for him?

MaidOfStars · 14/04/2015 18:39

But how can I watch him casually walk out of my life?

OP, you're not even close enough friends for you to have known about one of the most important decisions hell make.

He's not in your life.

MaidOfStars · 14/04/2015 18:40

hell/he'll

Northernlurker · 14/04/2015 18:47

You didn't know he was seeing someone, you didn't know he's getting married. He is not walking out of anything and he doesn't love you too. Why would he be marrying someone else if he was in love with you?

LET IT GO!

FitouForMe · 14/04/2015 18:47

Listen to yourself woman, this is just silly.

There are two possible scenarios here,

A) you are actually 14 and making the whole thing up
B) you are drunk

Stoppit.

Satsumafairy · 14/04/2015 18:49

Op seriously, I think 7 years is a really long time for it NOT to happen. There were so many opportunities and yet neither of you went for it. Why? It's odd because as MaidOfStars says you didn't really seem to act as though this was an intense thing, you've never even been on a date have you? Genuine question. Also, do your friends know you are in love with him?

MonstrousRatbag · 14/04/2015 18:50

Or C), a creepy stalker in the making.

mynewpassion · 14/04/2015 18:55

I vote for A, B, and C

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