Yes IABU but the love of my life is getting married to someone else

[ThereHeGoes]

I've always been in love with a man who I met 7 years ago. Although we are not close we have many mutual friends and I've always thought we'd by some stroke of magic end up together.
Yesterday during conversation one of my close friends who happens to be one of his best friends asked me if I was going to be in the city the wedding is taking place in as he's going to be there for the wedding and thought maybe we could meet up. I had no idea that he was seeing someone let alone getting married but it's now time to give up the dream. He should have married me

Omjollyg.

Op, you cannot contact this man to tell him you love him 4 days before his wedding you have no relationship with him and I find it worrying how you insist that you love him more than his wife to be. That's highly presumptuous and naive. Mainly saying that his fiancé doesn't love him as much as you (who has never had a relationship, date or friendship with this person, so it's all in your imagination) is a typical stalker trait and I worry that this thread feeds into this. A guy I dated a short while was stalked by a woman and it was utterly miserable for him.

As others have said, focus on yourself, there are plenty of fish, snap out of it.

DontWorry, with all due respect that email is the worst idea ever. It'll just make the OP sound like a crazy woman. They've never gone out, had a date or been more than passing acquaintances based on what the OP has said. This relationship is entirely imaginary and to send an email like the one you suggest would just be weird.

It IS possible to be firm and clear with the OP without being mean to her.

OP - step away from gmail, no good lies that way. Open up trip advisor and start looking at where you would like to go this weekend.

You dont love him. You really dont.
dontworry a better idea might be for OP to gatecrash the wedding and have the groom's name tattooed on her arse for the purpose of mooning the mother of the bride.

Apparently he has a live in partner. She is 45, has a full life, travels a lot, has her own place, but no partner, although she says she feels lonely and wants one. No one matches up to the fantasy ideal she built up in her head, that she is still convinced is real.

OP, what do you love about him? It really doesn't sound as though you even know him.

It's so hard, OP, agree with other posters who say just take a bit of time out, get a bottle of wine and something nice to eat, or take yourself away for a night, or even just run a bath and read a magazine - something nice for yourself.

But please, please do not email him - dontworry I know you mean well, but this is a terrible, terrible idea. He's getting married in FOUR DAYS, he does not need this, his wife does not need this. The Harry Met Sally reference is just cringy and irrelevant.

Sorry if my first post seemed a bit abrupt.

Let me tell you my story.

I was in (unrequited) "love" for about 5 years with the perfect man. We got on brilliantly. I was obsessed. I had butterflies, I wrote bad poetry, I even broke up a long term relationship with a nice guy as I couldn't stop thinking about him.

It turns out he was in unrequited love too. With someone else.

She ended up dating his best friend (ouch) and, eventually, started to pay me back some of the attention is sent his way. After 5 years that is. He lived abroad so we spoke on the phone but only saw each other occasionally.

We ended up getting together... and the sex was AWFUL. Like, weirdly bad.

After that, the bubble burst fairly quickly and the infatuation faded.

While I've possibly not had feelings so intense and crazy before or since, I realise now it wasn't love. And that it was very hard for reality to live up to my fantasy.

We're still friends, loosely. And I still get a tiny butterfly when I see him. And then it sort of turns into a shudder ;)

You are in love with the man you have created in your head. A perfect man. A man who has never let you down. A man you have put on a pedestal. A man with no, or very few faults. Yes, a fantasy man.

We've all been there.

When you had a chance all those years ago,you didn't want to take it, because deep down you knew it was all a myth, and that in real life he probably wouldn't measure up to the real, warts and all, man you were actually dating. But you could keep him happily in the background as your default perfect man, to wheel out when you needed him, to rescue you when you needed him to.

Now reality has set in. He's no longer in the background there for you, when you click your fingers,when you need him. It's hard to face up to the fact that you are on your own now, and that's understandably daunting.

Grieve, take time to come to terms with your lost dreams, because that's all it was really, a nice dream, to hold on to in case real life failed to deliver.
Let yourself wallow briefly. Don't contact him. Then pick yourself up and move on.

We all look back and wonder how life would be with our - what ifs? You'll be fine soon and will look back at how you are feeling now, and smile wryly. We all have lost dreams, but most of us have equally lovely futures to look forward to.

Better you let the crazy out on MN than RL OP.

You'll look back in a year and thank the stars you left it. Then you'll give your gorgeous new partner and snog.

Sounds good.

a snog... doh!

I'd have more sympathy with op if she didn't keep saying that she loves this man more than his actual fiancé. Firstly, love can hardly be quantified, no? Secondly, even if she has an enormous crush infatuation she must sure recognise that his wife to be and this guy are more likely than not to be be crazy about each other, why else would they tie the knows? Thirdly, even if love could be quantified what on earth makes OP imagine that she loves him more than wife to be? That's just deluded and self-centred. We all have been 'in love' with people who didn't want to know, or who weren't available. Yes, it sucks, yes it can hurt but no use loosing perspective. Those suggesting she contacts this guy, have you thought that this could really spoil this couples special time and could potentially cast a shadow over their wedding, which might not be forgotten in a hurry? Seriously, op, if, as you say, you love this guy, don't bother him during a time that's special and unique for him, move on send him some nice thoughts, fantasies away for a while and then focus on your own life and happiness, which is not with this man, as he is tied to another.

Good God. Please don't do this.

A woman did this to dh and I a couple of months before our wedding. She was a woman he'd been on 2 dates with and then become friends with 8 years earlier (we'd been together for 6 years when we got married). She wrote him a long email full of imagined anecdotes about their life together and how he was throwing his life away by marrying me (who she'd met once) and she and him were perfect for each other. And then she forwarded a copy of the email to me via Facebook.

it really spoiled part of our engagement as I understandably wanted to know why a random woman would have this strength of feeling towards him. He ended up hating her for putting his marriage at risk, and to this day she remains blocked on all his comms.

I can't even imagine how devastating it would have been to have something like that happen the week of the wedding. Please don't. Let it go. And perhaps examine why you are so enamoured of someone you don't actually know.

Emily never got over Rachel's interference with her wedding to Ross.
Tread carefully.

My friend did similar, got pissed and told her ex that he was making a mistake and should dump his fiance and marry her. It did not end well for my friend.

I was initially sympathetic OP, but then I read that you hardly know this man and haven't really dated him. And you seem to view this as being because when you were initially both single, he didn't chase after you that much. But I would say the time when you moved back to his city, he was single and you were in a relationship was more crucial. If he truly was the love of your life, as you claim he is, then you would have made sure that he had a chance to date you then. As you would have been so worried about him meeting someone else that you would have somehow engineered yourself into his life just a little bit.

Its not as if this is some ex boyfriend whom circumstances tore you apart from. You are so little in touch with him now that you needed a third party to tell you he was getting married. And it is a bit odd to be a little bit obsessed over someone who is so distant from you. You have almost no happy shared memories to look back on, presumably you have barely been physical, so all you have is this notion that he was the one. But you don't even describe him in your posts, its all about this idea you have and you don't even sound that interested in him.

Odd, OP. Anyway, I'm sure you will soon get used to his new married status and you can adjust your pining so as to incorporate the fact that he is married and now unobtainable (which sounds a lot better than his not being that bothered).

Thank you all! Yes I am delusional! He is getting married and I will not e-mail, message or do anything. There he goes. He's getting married in 4 days and here's to him and his brilliant wife.

May they be very happy together! May they be very happy together! No, I can't love him more than she will as she actually has him. I have just my imagination. I can't believe it. He's getting married to her.

BananaYellow and TheChandler have summer up all you need to know.

I could have a bit of sympathy with you if this was an ex boyfriend, and circumstances had meant that you ended up not staying together eg one of you moving away for a job and you couldn't maintain a long distance relationship etc

But in my view, real love always finds a way anyway. My cousin went abroad for work just after she had met someone (who she already knew well through work). I wondered whether they would manage to keep things going seeing as they were the other side of the world from each other and do you know what, they did. They managed it and she was away for 3 years. You only have to see them together to know that they are each other's "the one". She had had boyfriends before who she wasn't even bothered keeping up a relationship with when they were living in the same town

So the fact that you didnt manage to get together with him when he was single speaks volumes. Also talk of you "playing it cool". People who REALLY want to be with someone don't play teenage games. They put their cards on the table and see what happens.

An old colleague of DH's phoned him up when we were first married. We had moved away and his mum had foolishly passed on our new phone number when she rang his mum's house (I think that was where he was living when he worked with the ex-colleague and she got his mum's number from work files.)

Well, Luckily DH had already told me about her having a crush on him before we'd got together but she wasn't his type. Cos I certainly would have wondered who this strange woman was ringing him up out of the blue and it could have caused trouble for us. As it was I was cringing for her as DH queried Her about how she had got his number and why on earth she was ringing all these years later )they hadn't even been proper friends, only worked together). Then he told her not to ring again and put the phone down.

To be honest she came across as a sad, slightly deranged stalker and We both imagined her to be sitting crying at the end of the phone, drunk, after she'd put the phone down, realising what a mistake she'd made in ringing. Not to mention wasting years mooning over the fantasy that was she and him in her head.

Please don't let that be you.

Amanda your contributions are really constructive, aren't they? You may think you're funny, to me personally you sound pretty sad with your attention-seeking attempts at (not very funny) jokes at the OP's expense (Billie Piper, mooning arse tattoo). And the Friends reference is poorly chosen, to say the least - presumably you intended to point out that Rachel not Emily was the one who got Ross in the end? You're the one here trying to fuel any hopes that the OP may have - only you're doing it as a great big joke. Yay for you.

Themaw point taken about the Harry/Sally reference. I certainly wasn't trying to make the OP's situation seem more romantic than it is, just to put her longtime "dream" into words. I still don't think it would have any serious effect on the bride, groom or their marriage if she wrote something like that to him, but it might feel cathartic to her. And I speak as someone who did receive a similar letter shortly before my own wedding - admittedly from an ex who had dumped me, not a mere acquaintance. It didn't seem that important at the time as I knew DH was the love of my life - but it did lift my self esteem. I never mentioned it to anyone as I respected my ex for his honesty - and we all became good friends in the years that followed. DH and I were at his wedding a few years later. So if handled sensitively, and depending on the people involved, it could work out.

AmandaClarke: Ross and Rachel were completely different. They had a history together. The OP doesn't know this guy.

Surely you must realise that this is not love, but just a collection of intense personal emotions projected onto a man you hardly know? Sure, go ahead and message him to tell him you love him, but ultimately this won't change anything in the current course of events other than to probably make him think you're a bit deranged and cease any further contact with you.

Usually this kind of thing happens when you're at a bit of a loose end and lonely in your own life. Could this be true for you, do you think? It's certainly happened to me, and I made a right twat of myself. I'd like to help you not to do the same.

No curlyhairedassasin She doesnt know him. The situation is ridiculous.
Of course its upsetting for her. And for that I a feel sympathy But i dont accept this man is the love of her life, and I find it staggering to read that the op claims to have lost him, and to love him more than his fiance, or that she should be consodering contacting him.
dontworry really? im fuelling her dream? Of corse there is no hance with this man. She doesnt even really know him.
I dont care if you think my comments are not funny. (I dispute that they are any more attention seeking than anyone else's on any such thread tbh) I know they are ridiculous, that is the point. Your suggestion, imo, was utterly idiotic and ill considered. As a suggestion that it might be reasonable to contact a man she has had no intimate relationship with right befor his wedding, potentially causing distress to him, to his wtb and crushing embarrassment to herself It was entirely deserving of derision.

Just don't do it OP. I've been in a similar situation, although less strength of feeling. In my group of friends there was one guy who lived halfway across the country and we'd all pile up to see him sometimes, or go to festivals, gigs and parties.
There always seemed to be some chemistry there - he'd look out for me, we got on well etc, but I assumed he'd say something if he really were interested and for once I didn't want to do my usual trick of jumping him! We were also rarely single at the same time and I possibly thought he was too nice.
Then, one day, he got engaged. I remember that feeling of 'oh!'. I suppose I'd always had that thought that we might get together some day. I was also seeing someone and was unable to go to the wedding as I'd moved abroad with him shortly before and couldn't make it back.
So, life carried on and, about the time I was just pg with dd1, I found out he and his wife had split up (during the course of a general catch up with a mutual friend - he didn't tell me himself). Again, a mild feeling of 'Oh'.
He sent me a couple of chatty emails after this and, as I didn't really know what to say, I didn't reply.
Then, on my 30th birthday and when I had finally booked my flights to flee my ex, I received a text. He'd got my number from my our best mate and just wanted to wish me a happy birthday.
Well, that was it. On a whim I called. Less than three months after returning to the UK we were engaged, although to be honest it took a couple of years in a ldr to really get to know each other well.
So what I'm saying is, I reckon that if it's meant to be it's meant to be. Just don't try and chase it. I'm quite glad I didn't go to his wedding as I'd have probably made a right tit of myself and in hindsight I wasn't great girlfriend material back then anyway. Move on with your life. Enjoy it. Don't block contact, but equally don't make contact either.