Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yes IABU but the love of my life is getting married to someone else

244 replies

ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 15:13

I've always been in love with a man who I met 7 years ago. Although we are not close we have many mutual friends and I've always thought we'd by some stroke of magic end up together.
Yesterday during conversation one of my close friends who happens to be one of his best friends asked me if I was going to be in the city the wedding is taking place in as he's going to be there for the wedding and thought maybe we could meet up. I had no idea that he was seeing someone let alone getting married but it's now time to give up the dream. He should have married me

OP posts:
wowfudge · 14/04/2015 16:21

If he really ticked every box he'd have called you and asked you out.

Aloof = full of himself arse in my book

NataliaBaker · 14/04/2015 16:24

It does sound a bit like one of those crushes that gets built up inside your head. Don't message him because nothing will come from it. Be kind to yourself.

chopinbabe · 14/04/2015 16:24

The wedding day may be a difficult one for you, so try to spend it doing something that normally makes you glad or keeps you busy.

I wouldn't text him congratulations because it would make it so much worse if he sent something back along the lines of being so lucky.

Whether it is a crush or unrequited love- if he has lived in your head for such a long time the pain will be bad and you are not being silly to feel it...just human.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/04/2015 16:29

I know exactly how you feel, OP.

I had the same feelings about someone I met 8 years ago. We spent a lot of time together and I knew him v well...as a friend. We've been in contact ever since, but lived in different countries.

I didn't even know he was with anyone until I saw his wedding photos on Facebook. It broke a little bit of my heart (and anyone who wants to laugh at that can sod off).

UncertainSmile · 14/04/2015 16:30

Anyone who hasn't experienced unrequited love should consider themselves very lucky. It's time to move on, OP. I know it's hard though.

Northernlurker · 14/04/2015 16:32

I wouldn't contact him and I do feel a lot of sympathy for you. Those who are being very robust about this could maybe try and find a bit of compassion for the OP. Her life isn't working out as she thought it would. That IS painful regardless of the reason for this.
Chucking 'juvenile' and 'crush' around the thread is a but unnecessary imo.

Original poster
ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 16:32

What harm is a congratulatory e-mail? I mean it's not as if I'm offering myself up on a silver platter... Yes it may not be the most sincere message he'll receive but perhaps it'll be a letting go experience for me? And it's a nice thing to do after all, no?
He did ask me out once but at the time I was in a relationship but never could I ever have imagined that he'd be getting married in 4 days! I wish I'd have gone on that date! And to those who say I'm imagining a made up version of what he'd be like, perhaps so, but in the years I've known him and spent time around him I'd still have like to at least date him for a while, now that totally out of the question. He's getting married!

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 14/04/2015 16:33

X posted

NOOOOOOO be honest with yourself, a congratulatory e-mail is a way for you to keep that door open and that's not good for you. He's getting married. Enough.

Very sorry Sad

Original poster
ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 16:34

Typo: I mean: now that is totally out of the question as he's getting married

Wu-fucking-hoo!!

OP posts:
UncertainSmile · 14/04/2015 16:35

It's also a way of forcing him into thinking about you. Be aware of your motivations.

99redbaboons · 14/04/2015 16:39

a congratulatory e-mail is a way for you to keep that door open and that's not good for you

Exactly. It wasn't meant to be so it's time to move on. It's very easy to look back with rose tinted glasses but as PP have said this has been a daydream rather than reality. Enjoy that for what it was and get back to living your life.

Could there be a great guy right under your nose that you can't see because of this distraction?

championnibbler · 14/04/2015 16:39

Been there.
its very hard.
i hope i never, ever feel like that about anyone ever again.

don't contact him.
it's far too late for that kind of thing and you'll feel worse.
stay well away from him and the wedding.
of course, it doesn't help that his new wife is lovely - aren't they always?
but you'll just have to accept it, i'm afraid, which i know from my own experience is extremely difficult.

time is a great healer though.
i got over mine around the time my own circumstances changed, i became very busy and that must have taken my mind off him.
i've no interest in him now.
i can see now that he's an arsehole actually. just as a number of people had said when i was mad about him.

squoosh · 14/04/2015 16:40

The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.

Crude but true.

Blarblarblar · 14/04/2015 16:41

I'm sorry OP I know your sad but he's not your man, you have to let it go. Only reason to email is for your own gratification to get in touch and it won't make you feel better if he completely ignored you.
It does suck when you have one of these will we won't wes but honestly life isn't that complicated if someone really liked you or you both (hopefully like each other Wink). It works somehow. I know what you felt was real for you, have a wee cry morn what might have been and move on. You'll fall in love with someone who feels the same one day I'm sure Flowers

chopinbabe · 14/04/2015 16:41

But what if he sends back something like:

"Thanks, Therhe goes! I can hardly believe that I have met such a fabulous woman and that she has agreed to marry me. I am so in love and feel so blessed...she is the most wonderful, beautiful, sensitive and funny woman in the world."

Would you be able to cope with that? I wouldn't. Don't risk it.

Sparklingbrook · 14/04/2015 16:50

You have to move on but I can totally understand how crap you must feel.

You must absolutely not send him any message whatsoever. You must make plans for Saturday though.

londonrach · 14/04/2015 16:50

Dont send an text message. Hes just a friend of a friend by the sounds of it as you dont know much about his life. He isnt one the one who got away as if was you would have been together by now. (Ignoring my fav book of all time 'where rainbows end' here). He is getting married. This saturday spent it with a friend. Is there a man in your life that maybe become of this other man you havent seen him probably. Just keep yourself busy seeing friends and family and someone will appear...when you least expect it.

chockbic · 14/04/2015 16:53

He's still a stinky man though at the end of the day Wink

Look after yourself over the weekend.

VenusRising · 14/04/2015 16:55

Do not write.

Do not send an email.

Do not contact this man through his friend.

Move on.

VenusRising · 14/04/2015 16:56

I'm with Squoosh... And have to say, love of your life, my arse.

Get real girlfriend.

Northernlurker · 14/04/2015 16:58

If it's any help OP I don't know this woman and I can tell you what she looks like. In the words of Nora Ephron

'Thin..........pretty............big tits...............your basic nightmare'

They are ALWAYS lovely, pretty, nice people. Try not to dwell on it.

Original poster
ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 17:01

ARGH!!! Yes i might not know what he had for dinner last night or when his mother's birthday is but for the past 7 years I was trying to play it cool! When we met he knew how I felt but since life went on we kept in touch via fb / e-mail etc and although we have mutual friends who are closer to us than we are to each other he isn't a total stranger! When I first moved to his city he offered to show me around. I just always thought we'd be together. I know you'll think I sound pathetic but yes quite frankly I have been living life and doing my own thing but I have always still been in love with him throghout it. I'm sure I'd love him more than his lovely wife will. And yes I know that last sentence sounds ridiculous.

I'm still torn over e-mailing him congratulations. I have given up, I know I have to let go so that's why I want to e-mail, so that I can in some sort of way release myself. Although I have been in love with him for this length of time it hasn't interrupted my life in terms of other relationships or my career. I just wish he was marrying me instead! Maybe I should have made neon flashing signs 4 years ago that said 'I LOVE YOU'

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 14/04/2015 17:02

Sorry you've had some rude and dismissive replies. Unrequited love does exist and well I don't need to tell you tears you apart.
Also why do you have to be happy for them. Why should you be happy for some bitch who had the man/life you want.
I'd be wanting to send poison pen letters. I'm a first class biartch. I'll hold me hands up.!!! That's the cynical nasty spiteful me
The nice me would say.... You will eventually get over it. Listen to music. I wanted someone who didn't want me. The song. Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me. Got me through. Seems dramatic but music really works. You will meet someone else op who is right for you. God obviously does not want you to be with that person.
I know that's no consolation though.Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/04/2015 17:12

Unrequited love really hurts and you have my sympathies for this.

I does sound though that you're looking for any reason to keep in touch - and you shouldn't. If he would have wanted you, you'd be with him as it sounds like you were very much into him. He wasn't into you and he's marrying somebody else. You can't love somebody 'enough for two'...

Please don't e-mail congratulations, they will sound false and you will not feel better. If you do, don't post it here because the sympathy for you will have evaporated most likely.

Playthegameout · 14/04/2015 17:16

Why not wait til after Saturday for the email? He'll be pretty busy in the run up and it will give you time to process the way you feel. This sounds really mean, but this is their time.

On Saturday just be hugely self indulgent and do whatever you feel will help. It's ok if you want to have a wallow on the day.

Swipe left for the next trending thread