Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yes IABU but the love of my life is getting married to someone else

244 replies

ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 15:13

I've always been in love with a man who I met 7 years ago. Although we are not close we have many mutual friends and I've always thought we'd by some stroke of magic end up together.
Yesterday during conversation one of my close friends who happens to be one of his best friends asked me if I was going to be in the city the wedding is taking place in as he's going to be there for the wedding and thought maybe we could meet up. I had no idea that he was seeing someone let alone getting married but it's now time to give up the dream. He should have married me

OP posts:
Original poster
ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 19:40

Thanks Marmiteandjamislush had to post your comment twice just to get the message through did you? How nice! Yes I'm a drama queen, arrogant, self-important and horrible to boot. Have you any other nice adjectives? Perhaps you could also post them twice aswell??

OP posts:
FeijoaSundae · 14/04/2015 19:41

Please don't embarrass yourself by contacting him.

If he's asked someone to marry him, chances are he's madly in love with them.

This isn't about you now.

Iseesheep · 14/04/2015 19:47

Marmiteandjamislush I don't think there's any need to be so harsh. The OP knows she's being unreasonable she just wanted to let rip. She'll probably know by now that the love of her life won't give a crap what she says to him. It'll register fuck all on his give-a-fuck-ometer, I can pretty much guarantee that and so she won't ruin his wedding day no matter what because he loves his fiancé not the acquaintance.

Disney fantasies are great. We've all got one tucked away somewhere. So long as they stay in your head and aren't set free all's good.

Marmiteandjamislush · 14/04/2015 19:48

I posted twice by accident. But all these hysterical retorts to people who don't tell you what a brave 'ickle heart broken disney princess you are, are just proving the points I made to be honest. You are an adult women with a job and life, act like it.

Marmiteandjamislush · 14/04/2015 19:51

ISEESHEEP I let rip too. I can't bear self indulgent wallowing and those who will read any thing into nothing, and OP's comments about his future wife were very harsh.

maliaki · 14/04/2015 19:52

Don't email him, don't tell him as someone who was told something like this at a very happy time in my relationship my reaction was to be very uncomfortable and distance myself for both of us. Sadly, I had to keep repeating because he persisted. I almost cut them out my life because of it, it's only now he looks back and says it was more infatuation then anything- now he's found someone he really loves.

You need to unfollow and perhaps even block to get some distance OP. You'll only hurt yourself by messaging him, you'll either get ignored and blocked or a cliché message back- neither of which will help you or give you closure because its a rejection but not a personal enough one. How heartbroken would you be if he ignored you and blocked you?

I know how much unrequited love hurts, I've been there too and not only missed my chance but have now lost the friendship too. Looking back though I think he was a safe option, such a good man that I built up a fantasy in my head. In reality if I loved him that much, I would have made a move.

It will really hurt all that day OP, so I suggest you go out with close friends or family or do something nice for you.

Original poster
ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 19:52

Marmiteandjamislush you clearly have better things to do than post on a pretending "ickle heart broken disney princess" thread don't you? So then why don't you leave the thread? Perhaps I can start a thread about how heart broken I will be when you leave? Infact I can feel the tears building up now....

OP posts:
Original poster
ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 19:54

Thanks to all for the constructive advice, it just would never occur to me to click on a thread to abuse the OP? It just seems so pointless, futile and pathetic.

OP posts:
FreudiansSlipper · 14/04/2015 19:56

oh do give it a rest

there is always one who has to tell it like it is Hmm

londonrach · 14/04/2015 19:58

Wine and chocolate.....there....pour and open the chocolate now. Also contact friend in real life. Never ever contact him. I understand. My first boyfriend told me he was thinking of getting engaged. We been split up over 6 yeArs but he was my first. I was seeing my (now) dh but him telling me that hurt. It really hurt. I realised i had no claim so wished him well and left (via a cry in the ladies toilets). Im glad im not with him now as i wouldnt have had dh. He taken me to places and done things ive never imagined.

fancyanotherfez · 14/04/2015 20:01

My friend met 'the love of her life' 12 years ago, around the same time as I met my DH. She worked with him and spent 7 years waiting for him to ask her out, imagining their children, wondering why he would look at her but not ask her out, following him around, until he basically nearly got her fired from her job because he felt she was stalking him and was about to make a complaint of harrassment against her. She was convinced he was the love of her life and that he secretly loved her. She is still obsessed with him, although he basically hasn't gone near since that time. Shevstalks him on social media. She is now lamenting that its too late for her to have a family, so basically her obsession has taken away the best years of her life.

Marmiteandjamislush · 14/04/2015 20:02

People have told you what they think, when you asked AIBU? Who has abused you? You may not have got the audience you wanted, but you got responses to the question. Seriously though, I say this as a fellow adult woman, get a grip. You are doing yourself no favours, you will never be happy like this. Only you can give you the life you want. If you want weird, needy, creepy stalker acquaintance, then fill ya boots. If not, get out there and fine the one for you and FYI, you are not broken hearted. When you are, you'll look back on this pretense and pee your pants.

KnitFastDieWarm · 14/04/2015 20:03

OP you need to back off, you sound a little stalkerish and I mean that in the nicest possible way. I know it hurts like hell but the pain will end - keep busy and distract yourself.

I hope you find the man for you very soon. But this isn't him.

DontWorryBeHappyNow · 14/04/2015 20:04

I'm actually going to disagree with everyone else here and say that if you really want to contact him before the wedding, to get some closure (and to know that you have done everything you could) then you could email him something like:

"I found out from X that you're getting married - congratulations to you both. It's funny - I've realised that I've always thought you and I would somehow end up together one day, kind of like "When Harry met Sally", but I guess life doesn't work like that. I hope you both will be very happy together, and that we can still be friends. Love, There"

He may not respond at all but I doubt he'll shout it from the rooftops either, just to humiliate you, and there is actually a chance that you could become closer friends - assuming that you can get past your crush and accept to have him as a friend. At the moment you're hardly even friends or you'd have known about his relationship, so I don't actually think you have that much to lose by being honest with him. Just don't write/say anything that could be interpreted as trying to break them up (and stay away from the "loving him more than she does" bit) or you really would be setting yourself up for humiliation.

KnitFastDieWarm · 14/04/2015 20:05

I can't help agreeing with previous posters too that you are on thin ice here in terms of harassment if you actually follow through with any of this.

GraysAnalogy · 14/04/2015 20:06

OP I'm really sorry but you aren't letting him walk out of your life. He isn't in your life.

And saying she'll never love him as much as you, well frankly it sounds like something I said as a silly 13 year old.

But I honestly feel for you and I can't imagine how heartbroken you feel, but why is this such an issue now he's getting married? Didn't you think like this before or is it now you know you can't have him?

You're worth more than yearning after this man and feeling jealous of his fiance, you really are. Don't waste your life.

Original poster
ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 20:07

Freudian presumably the post was not for me? Because on AIBU there are always many willing to put the world to rights, as according to their standard of how things should be! Hmm

fancy what became of your friend? and did he find someone else?

I'm not ignoring the overwhelming majority advice which is to let sleeping dogs lie. I will. I just needed to let out all the craziness as in RL I have to maintain some respectability. Yes I might always love him, and yes it might be all a fantasy but so be it. He is gone now. I had my chance and (we) I blew it. Although I need to sit on my hands to avoid e-mailing him to congratulate him I am coming around to the idea that in the big scheme of things, he doesn't mean very much at all. I just need to deal with this emotional / mental fallout.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 14/04/2015 20:09

It's good that you spoke about it OP. I know you might have been put off by some of the responses (which were harsh but true) but do you feel any better now you've discussed it? I hope you do

Sparklingbrook · 14/04/2015 20:10

There do you think come Sunday when it's all over you will feel better? I think you might.

maliaki · 14/04/2015 20:10

To be fair to the OP I think harassment is a bit dramatic since she hasn't actually done more than fantasise about telling him yet. Even if she does tell him it's at best just going to end what little communication and contact they had, it's not harassment if she starts repeating.

I think OP should run in the other direction but by emailing him she'll just slam a nail in the coffin, not be harassing. Not unless she does start obsessing and acting.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 14/04/2015 20:11

If there was even the faintest whiff of a chance that he loved you too, then he would have made damn sure that you knew that he was getting married. In the hope that the two of you would reconcile. But nope, he didn't tell you himself, nor did he ensure anyone else did. You find out the weekend before he marries by chance. My guess is he hasn't given you a thought. Harsh but likely true.

maliaki · 14/04/2015 20:11

Defriend and block OP, you'll at least be spared seeing the wedding photos and make sure you've got plans for the wedding day.

FreudiansSlipper · 14/04/2015 20:25

no post was not for you ThereHeGoes it was directed at Marmiteandjamislush and a few others

but yes some seem to use AIBU as an excuse to be mean under the guise of well you did ask

TheRealAmandaClarke · 14/04/2015 20:26

OP I understand
That is how I felt when Laurence Fox and Billie Piper got married.
your thread has brought those feelings flooding back.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 14/04/2015 20:27

Obviously it was LF I was am in love with. Not BP.

Swipe left for the next trending thread