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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yes IABU but the love of my life is getting married to someone else

244 replies

ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 15:13

I've always been in love with a man who I met 7 years ago. Although we are not close we have many mutual friends and I've always thought we'd by some stroke of magic end up together.
Yesterday during conversation one of my close friends who happens to be one of his best friends asked me if I was going to be in the city the wedding is taking place in as he's going to be there for the wedding and thought maybe we could meet up. I had no idea that he was seeing someone let alone getting married but it's now time to give up the dream. He should have married me

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 14/04/2015 17:20

No emails!! No anything!!

squoosh · 14/04/2015 17:23

And DEFINITELY no drunk emailing. Drunk emailing is the very worst thing you can do and the cringe it induces the next day is powerful enough to paralyse one's toes and one's sphincter.

Or so I'm told.....

Northernlurker · 14/04/2015 17:26

NO EMAILING EVER!

Disable your modem, disconnect your broadband, put your mobile in the freezer.

This may express your feelings? Sing it loudly in the bath and use that as a means to get past this.

FreudiansSlipper · 14/04/2015 17:29

of course unrequited love exists there has been enough songs/books/plays written about it

and only you know how you feel and this is what you are feeling

maybe in time you will find a partner and the love you feel will be different and you will look back and think wow what a waste of energy, maybe you will always feel something for this man that you will never feel for another but that does not mean you will never be happy with someone else

I know too many people who have no married the one but accept that it was not meant to be and we do often build them up or the relationship to be something it is not

not sure it is a great idea to contact him in time you are likely to feel differently

AllTheNamesIWantHaveGone · 14/04/2015 17:35

Sending you some Flowers OP. Slightly different but I always thought that by some huge twist of fate an ex and I would get back together. We didn't. Even though I had myself moved on and had a new partner it still came as a huge shock when I stumbled quite by accident upon his wedding photos on facebook. And then nine months later the photos of his baby .... I still often think of him and wonder how life may have turned out if we had stayed together. It's just life really. Doesn't always turn out as you thought.

Do something nice on Saturday xxx

Original poster
ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 17:38

Squoosh
Drunk emailing is the very worst thing you can do and the cringe it induces the next day is powerful enough to paralyse one's toes and one's sphincter. Or so I'm told.....

That gave me a good laugh! I'm now in tears having looked at all the excitement going on on fb and our various friends gearing up for the big day!

And yes Northernlurker
IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!!!!

4 days! why???

OP posts:
UncertainSmile · 14/04/2015 17:39

He might always get divorced...

Original poster
ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 17:39

Can I just tell him that I love him? He's not married yet?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/04/2015 17:40

Can you stop torturing yourself on FB until it's all over? Why punish yourself for not having dated this man? It's done and dusted, your heart just needs to catch up with you head... and it will, eventually.

Stopandlook · 14/04/2015 17:41

I can remember such painful times too. Choose life, forget him and move on, you'll be glad.

Sparklingbrook · 14/04/2015 17:41

YY stop looking at FB!!

Do not tell him you love him! Where do you live? I am coming round.....

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/04/2015 17:42

No you can't. Imagine, you proudly confess this and he looks at you like you're some kind of weird woman and tells you one of the following:

  1. Oh really? Urgh. You know I'm getting married in 4 days, right?
  2. I know, I've always known. But I don't love you.
  3. Why would you tell me this 4 days before my wedding?
  4. I've met the woman I love and that's all that matters.

... and any one of another 20 horrible things you wouldn't want to hear.

Are you just wanting a bit of drama now as well as pain?

Northernlurker · 14/04/2015 17:43

No you can't tell him you love him because a) it's not really true. You love the idea of you and him, you could have grown to love him. You don't love him right here, right now. And b) and this is actually more important - it would be humiliating for you and seriously upsetting for him to have to deal with that. He's getting married. Let him go.

mynewpassion · 14/04/2015 17:45

Get a grip and don't tell him you love him. That's insane.

Do nothing in regards to him.

pictish · 14/04/2015 17:45

You don't love him though! You love the fantasy you have built up around him!

Satsumafairy · 14/04/2015 17:45

I think you're joking a little bit there aren't you OP? You wouldn't really tell him that you love him just days before his wedding?!

I do understand how sad you must feel but the time to tell him you love him has well and truly passed.

squoosh · 14/04/2015 17:46

You need to get a friend to sit on you for a few days.

MonstrousRatbag · 14/04/2015 17:48

The problem is that after all this time and all the missed chances, anything you do now will be very unkind to him as well as to you.

He's happy, he's marrying a lovely woman. Why confuse or annoy him with too-late declarations of love when actually, neither of you have ever made an effort or taken a risk to be with the other?

He might sympathise with you (I do, to a degree) but it's more likely he would be angry and consider you selfish and self-indulgent, along with your mutual friends. You could end up a pariah.

And you know that he isn't really going to say 'Oh, my God, me too!', cancel the wedding and rush to your side (would you still want him if he did-I hope not). That sort of thing only happens in Jennifer Aniston films.

Stopandlook · 14/04/2015 17:50

As your Granny would say what's meant for you won't go by you.

This man is not meant for you! If he had been you would be together. 7 years of playing it cool? No, darling, no. Don't waste your life on this. I've been there and as I said I chose life and it's great. Move on!

londonrach · 14/04/2015 17:50

Please op turn fb off. Have you a friend you can stay with. I want you to delete his mobile phone number, email address now!!!! I mean it. He is getting married on saturday. You not in a relationship with him. This is not a soap, film...this is real life. He is marrying someone he loves who is totally unaware of your 'love' as is he. Please i dont want to sound cruel but think of his future wife. How would you feel if a few days before your wedding day someone told your husband to be they loved him. Please phone a friend and turn off fb. Xxxxx

thornrose · 14/04/2015 17:51

Can we stage some sort of MN intervention? half joking!

Bogeyface · 14/04/2015 17:51

Well yes you could tell him.

If you dont mind all of your friends finding out that you did and being frozen out. If you dont mind looking like an utter fool. If you dont mind him never speaking to you again as long as you live......

Satsumafairy · 14/04/2015 17:52

Monstrous and others are right. You have to think of the likely outcomes op. Most likely he will ignore it and think it really inappropriate and silly for you to send that message at such a time. I'm not being horrible, I don't know either of you but I can't help but think that someone would have said something to someone else before now if it was going to happen. I mean if neither of you said it to each other I'm surprised that nothing was said through mutual friends.

Original poster
ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 17:53

Sorry to sound pathetic but I love him more than she does or ever will

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 14/04/2015 17:53

Op - have you got a bike or a pair of trainers? I think you need to get out of the house right now and work off some energy. You're just stewing over this now.
Exercise, take away, box set. NO phone, email or facebook.

What about a weekend away - take yourself to Berlin or New York?

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