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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yes IABU but the love of my life is getting married to someone else

244 replies

ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 15:13

I've always been in love with a man who I met 7 years ago. Although we are not close we have many mutual friends and I've always thought we'd by some stroke of magic end up together.
Yesterday during conversation one of my close friends who happens to be one of his best friends asked me if I was going to be in the city the wedding is taking place in as he's going to be there for the wedding and thought maybe we could meet up. I had no idea that he was seeing someone let alone getting married but it's now time to give up the dream. He should have married me

OP posts:
londonrach · 14/04/2015 17:53

With you thornrose and not half joking. Im just thinking of that poor future bride and also of the groom and tbh also op. If op said something she risks either stopping the wedding (unlikely) or ruining her huge friendship group and being very embassed (spelt wrong) for a very long time. Phone a phone op. Go and stay with someone no where near the wedding on friday night. Xxxx

Sidge · 14/04/2015 17:54

You can't love him, you don't know him.

You love the idea of him, what he represents - the one that got away.

Listen to songs like:

It should have been me
The one that got away
Let it go
All out of love
Someone like you

And get drunk and maudlin and then MOVE ON.

Hugs and stuff, you'll be ok Smile

Original poster
ThereHeGoes · 14/04/2015 17:54

I'm logging out of fb now as that has really affected me

OP posts:
ahbollocks · 14/04/2015 17:54

Thing is though OP he probably isnt who you have built him up to be.
he could;
Fart constantly eggy farts
Have a huuuuge stash of old lady porn
Eat his toenail clippings
be into water sports
Put ketchup on everything you ever slaved to cook him
Sniff bicycle seats
Kill guinea pigs
Take baths with his mother

And so on and so on...

Northernlurker · 14/04/2015 17:54

You are (and I say this very kindly honestly ) just being silly now.

Take your thoughts away from somebody else's marriage and take care of yourself.

londonrach · 14/04/2015 17:56

Well done op. Well done for logging out of fb. What do you like doing. Swimming, walking, dancing. Phone a friend and keep yourself busy every night this week and best of all take yourself away this weeknd. Its hard but its the most sensible thing you can do xxxx

RabidFairy · 14/04/2015 17:56

It's a shame the timing didn't really work out for you and him, but it sounds like you've drifted well apart over time. You have mutual friends in common, and that's it. Is he really the love of your life? Really?

I think you sound infatuated and disappointed. I've been there. A great many years ago I dated a guy very briefly and he dumped me. I pined after him for ages. It got a bit silly, especially as it was purely a mixture of a crush I had and a slightly bruised ego.

Do whatever you want about the email, but let him go.

sonjadog · 14/04/2015 17:57

Yeah, he isn't going to cancel the wedding when he gets your email, no matter what it says. If you two were perfect for each other, you wouldn't have been playing it cool for the last seven years.

Don't email him. You will just end up feeling a fool.

FreudiansSlipper · 14/04/2015 17:57

first delete his number and email address have a few glasses of good wine (treat yourself) listen to some songs about unrequited love, being broken hearted and cry, feel the sadness and loss and sulk

you will soon get fed up of yourself sulking

most of us have been there at some point in our lives and it is very painful and most of us will have been the one that someone else has felt this way about

ahbollocks · 14/04/2015 17:57

Also my one who got away turned up after TEN years a few months back. Im actually gutted that he did because he is nothing like the gorgeous, cheeky guy I cried my eyes out over. He's just a bit fat, unemployed, straggly bearded bloke trying to get his leg over.

Finola1step · 14/04/2015 18:01

Oh dear. Yes, log off from Facebook. Make sure you are very busy over the next few days.

You are entitled to your feelings but, being as kind as I can be, this needs to stop. There is no way that you can know that you love him more than his fiancee. You are emotionally torturing yourself.

She loves him. He loves her. Leave it be. Look after yourself.

Iggi999 · 14/04/2015 18:04

You live him more than she ever could?
What, more than the woman who actually dated him, has been with up through ups and downs of anyone's life, planned a wedding and a future with him.
What have you done for him, exactly?

mynewpassion · 14/04/2015 18:04

I'm with northernlurker.

This thread is almost trollish.

Iseesheep · 14/04/2015 18:04

This happened to me in reverse. It didn't make me think twice, change my mind or make me feel guilty but it was a right pain in the arse!

I dumped very unsuitable but exciting 'bad boy' boyfriend for my husband. The ex wasn't too pleased and spent the 12 months running up to my wedding asking me to change my mind, laying odds on how long it would take me to run back to him and then threatening to stand up and make a holy show of himself at the wedding he wasn't actually invited to (he didn't in the end). After 21 years I still get the odd message asking me if I'm ready to ditch the husband and kids!

I can't say that it was unrequited love because I did, in my own strange way, really love him. He's never been married but had lots of girlfriends moving in and out over the years. If he finally told me that he was giving up the silly messages and settling down with his perfect woman I'd be a little bit sad. and possibly threaten to make a declaration of my undying love during his wedding ceremony.

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2015 18:04

I do feel sorry for you OP but I think you're being a bit dramatic now.

Logging off of FB is a good move. Actually blocking him would be a better one so you don't see all the wedding photos.

Some things are just not meant to be, and as hard as it might be to accept, this is one of them Thanks

Iggi999 · 14/04/2015 18:04

...I know you're probably just being dramatic, but really that comment was too much!

Sparklingbrook · 14/04/2015 18:05

STOP THE MADNESS!!!

sisterofmercy · 14/04/2015 18:07

If you said you loved him he wouldn't be interested. He barely knows you. Behave honourably and decently and accept that this was never going to happen else you would have made it do so.

Playthegameout · 14/04/2015 18:07

You don't know how much she loves him. But you do know that he loves her enough to want to marry her. That's the important thing.

ItsADinosaur · 14/04/2015 18:08

But you can't love him, not really truly, because you don't know him. You love the small part you know about him. He could be awful behind closed doors or have some horrible habits

lastjaffacake · 14/04/2015 18:08

I know it's not what you want to hear but I strongly agree with pp who are saying don't email him. It will come across as a bit of a strange/awkward thing to do since he hasn't invited you to the wedding or told you himself that he's getting married. I suspect your true motivations will be obvious no matter how hard you try to sound nonchalant and you will look back on it and feel embarrassed. I can't envision a response from him that will make you feel any better. Rationally you know that he's not going to see your email, realise he's making a mistake, call the whole thing off and ask you to run away with him but that's the fantasy isn't it? In reality he either won't reply at all (he's going to be snowed under with preparations for his big day) which will make you feel like shit and leave everything unresolved or you'll get a cursory "cheers mate" type response. Best case scenario, you get a flirty email back from him which you'll read too much into (understandably, because you love him) but actually that would just make him a bit of a dick, to you and his fiancee. Whatever, it is it's not going to be a declaration of love. Ring a friend who always makes you laugh and plan to go out and do something fun on the day of the wedding so you don't spend the day wallowing and making yourself feel worse. It will get better Flowers

FuckingPetrified · 14/04/2015 18:08

Honestly, all you will achieve by telling him you love him or sending him congratulations emails that are clearly insincere is him cutting you out of his life - or his new wife noticing that you are potential trouble, and doing it for him.

I know it hurts, but there is nothing you can do now.

ItsADinosaur · 14/04/2015 18:10

Sorry posted too soon. Please don't email him as your intentions aren't right. And what if he didn't reply? Think how that would make you feel.

Iseesheep · 14/04/2015 18:10

Facebook really does need a 'save me from myself' button.

BigFatPanda · 14/04/2015 18:10

m.youtube.com/watch?v=cCU0h8iR_Dw

You could always go to the wedding and do this a la Vicar of Dibly??