To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

[ForeverChasingToddlers]

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

• I know having a baby is hard
• I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases

-I know loosing wieght in general is hard

• I know women should not judge other women
• I think all ladies could go at their own pace
• I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

So other women describe themselves to you as a 'frumpy depressed mess'? Those aren't your words? Right

PeppermintCrayon I agree I'm an adult i shouldn't have snapped back at all in an ideal situation.

It really is unreasonable to say eating biscuits wont help u lose weight don't blame the DCs when you and someone are friends?
Noted.

Maybe that is reasonable as in logical, but it is quite unkind in the context you have given, However, as I and many PPs have said a few times, you were both equally bad, but you are the one asking for our opinions.

Fwiw and now that this thread has turned partisan, of course you are not a bad mother for going for a jog and you are not a poor dinner date for ordering salad. You are a poor friend for saying what you said to your friend. Again, I am only saying that because you are the one asking. If your friend was posting I would say she was equally bad.

She sounds jealous of your willpower and weight loss.

None of us know what your relationship with her is like.
Maybe she feels like you look down on her. Maybe you made some comments that put her on the defensive.
Maybe she's just a misery.

Lightbulb moment ..

You rub each other up the wrong way. Both of you are not interested in making the other happy or being good company on a night out.

You're not true friends .. End of..

I would be interested to know if you really sat idly by while she ordered her food or if she felt judged by you. Why are you bothering to list what she ate? Why do you even know how much she weighs? You are both as unreasonable as each other frankly.

However, I do agree with you. No point being a martyr and blaming dc on weight loss failure. It should be split 50/50 with dh and you are 100percent right to have time for yourself and be healthy. Still think you're not suited to each other as mates though.

Sounds like you aren't such good friends now.

Do people in the UK say mom? Or are you originally from US?

Well done on your weight loss. I admire your motivation OP.

JanineStHubbins of course it's what they get at infer and say all the time. Sometimes in those words sometimes not in those words
If you aren't stressed you arent working hard enough
If you have childcare you are lazy
If you make time (5 mins) to apply makeup you "have loads of time on your hands unlike us who are more concerned with raising DCS"
"I have the body of a real woman...real women have curves" - If i can pinch you....you are a real woman love.

OP you have a high opinion of yourself - saying you are a SLIM mom of 2 - well at 70kg I would beg to differ - but good on you for thinking so, great to be confident in yourself. Like I said previously you just come across as a smug show-off...........

PeppermintCrayon We are friends who openly talk about our weightloss journey she will text me her weight and say things like "I'm 75kg of baby making fabulousness fuck a diet" then the next day take it back and be on atkins. all fine all supported all listened to...but again...stfu about my kids.

sorry PeppermintCrayon 87 - 95 kg it goes up and down I was thinking of what I was a few weeks back

Yabu for swearing at your 'friend' in a restaurant to the point where other people get involved - how lovely for the other diners....

TBH you both sound terribly unreasonable.

She feels judged and defensive and rightly so, as do you and again rightly so. Its bloody sad that the so called "sisterhood" doesn't really exist.

You have a good set up and can get time out. Maybe she isn't so lucky.

If you were a real friend why didn't you ask her if there was anything you could do to help perhaps be running buddies or something instead of jumping to conclusions.

As it is you're not really friends so call time on it

loveandsmiles and again....why does slim = smug
and I mention being slim because it was what I was attacked about thats all.
Everyones body is different im 5''7 70kg and a size 10-12 i think thats slim i feel slim again that doesnt mean anything

Its you that is associating weight with morals not me

No scallion op wasn't the one who involved other people. It was the friends vile behaviour...rtt

OP you described those who aren't losing weight as unmotivated and lazy - that's a moral judgement right there.

Dloveandsmiles how on earth is op a smug show off? Lol, this place is getting weirder by the day

paddlenorapaddle
She feels judged after i kept my mouth shut all night as she made horrid comments. I only responded when she mentioned my kids. I even ignored a few of the kids ones. Have you even read the OP?

You both of you sound a bit obsessed about weight. Maybe agree between you that there will be a ban on food and weight related conversations?

I agree with Ici. Stick to the decolonisation of Africa and such like as conversation topics.

And don't go for meals.

JanineStHubbins please....read the OP.....please.....read the OP. I clearly said some people do not even want to lose weight. Some people are single moms some people do not even have money to go to the gym some people have different hormones health issues etc please read the OP and the thread I'm tired of posters who make up random shit.

I said to my friend this and this only Do not blame your wieght on the kids when you like a biscuit

I have made comments on motivation in the context of owning that you have no motivation or little motivation instead of blaming everything and everyone. Some says I have no effing motivation wow look i said it and I'm still alive I'm not going to blame DDs!!!!!!!!

By me saying she has no motivation doesnt mean I automatically think I have all the motivation in the world and she is scum. It's just a fact. She's motivated to do a LOT of things I DON'T DO.....DO I CRY AND WHINE AND ACCUSE HER OR SMUGNESS? NO! Her house is immaculate everything is perfect you could eat of her floor I'm telling you it's unreal. I wish I could keep my home as spotless as hers. Oh and look I didn't blame DD's on the fact that things can get a bit messy in certain areas of the house.

Why can't we just have an honest conversation about weight and food????

No point being a martyr and blaming dc on weight loss failure.

Lots of women are still breastfeeding at 6 months and that can completely change your metabolism.

Also pregnancy puts massive pressure on the thyroid gland, so thyroid problems often show up in the first year after a pregnancy.

Lack of sleep is correlated with weight gain.

Lots of women are suffering from PND in the first year or so after a baby.

Lots more are overwhelmed and exhausted and just about keeping one foot in front of the other to keep going.

There are very good, understandable reasons why women might look "a fat, depressed mess" after they have a baby, and only the extremely unkind and hard of thinking want them to "own" the fact that they are lazy, greedy failures for not being slim.

I dont blame you.
If someone sat there and made spiteful comment after spiteful comment after spiteful comment to me then in the end id think fuck this and id give them what for.
Why the hell should anyone just meekly accept nasty comments? Oh yes thank you please say some more horrible things hang on while i bend over so you can really sock it to me.
No. If someone is being repeadedly horrible to me they cant expect me to smile sweetly and ake it!
I can understand why youd had enough. It would take a saint or a doormat to let someone repeatedly attack them and say nothing.

Just sounds like a bitchfest to me but one question OP. Is this how you are going to teach your DD to deal with catty remarks? Because if so you are going to have problems further down the road.