To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

[ForeverChasingToddlers]

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

• I know having a baby is hard
• I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases

-I know loosing wieght in general is hard

• I know women should not judge other women
• I think all ladies could go at their own pace
• I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

What gamora said. It sounds like you both behaved as badly as each other. She is no more in the right for being 'overweight' any more than you are in the right for being a 'slim mom who jogs'.

GamoraStarlord Christ. Stop making up things. I was having an effing conversation about the effects of the decolonization of Africa when my salad came and she made a comment I rolled my eyes and eat

I think i was talking about the weather when she made another comment when the waiter took my plate

I was talking about the upcoming election when she said I'd just votw for the slimmest person

On and on and on it went all night, unprovoked, until i snapped. A couple of people within earshot told her to shut it too!! She just laughed it off and said they "are too busy protecting the feelings of skinny bitches"

"I find going out for dinner with people on diets boring, as their salad-ordering seems to imply a judgement on my carby foods."

What? It's only a judgement if you see it as one. And that says everything about YOU not the person you are dining with. What you are saying is 'I am overweight, I don't like that fact, and I expect everyone around me to eat unhealthy foods to make me feel better about myself'. Some people NEED carby foods. If you've been training for today's Brighton Marathon, you're not going to feel judged if your friend is eating a salad.

It's one thing being happy with your body, but quite another to claim you are happy with it but then actually expect other people to copy your unhealthy behaviours as a form of reassurance. Salad is nice, carbs are nic, I don't see why what someone else is eating should bother me, unless I'm in in a crazy amount of denial about my own eating habits.

So you can respond to my post to express your grumpiness at me pointing out your spelling errors but you're unable to answer why you're posting in aibu if you refuse to accept YABU in any way?

26point2 yeah that is true but that is her choice. This thread is not about weight or good parenting it is about poor friendship behaviour. I will never understand why people are 'friends' with others who make their lives worse. All of my friends enrich my life and I hope I do the same to them.

Wow...how awkward. I also don't get why the OP is getting such a hard time. Its not ok to tell people they are shit parents because they take time out for exercise. Its not ok to tell people who are trying to shift fat, that they are doing it at the expense of their kids.

Simple fact is that people don't want to hear what people think of them, even though they like to spout their shitty opinions at people.

Its not about fat or thin. It's peoples snippy jealousy.

Yanbu, OP. If she didn't want people judging her, she shouldn't have started it. If she felt calling you a shit mum was ok, she should have been prepared on your judgment of her.

Its entirely up to her what she wants to do about her body. But she has no right to tell other people they are bad parents for making different decisions.

Well said AgaPanthers!!!!!

It's seriously hard to believe that when the OP's 'friend' spends all night making bitchy comments, the OP is supposedly equally unreasonable for responding in some measure.

I haven't read through everything but I don't think you're being unreasonable. However you're kind of judging her too! If she wants to eat loads of unhealthy food then let her! Maybe she had a crap day and wanted to have a treat. Her comments about putting her kids first are just to make you feel bad as you've mad her feel bad losing weight and getting fit. If you're friendship is to survive you should probably just accept each other's choices and move on. FWIW I find it that ordering something healthy is deemed as not living. Healthy food can taste just as good if not better than crap!

I think you are well within your rights to be pissed off with her. Her comment of "' I am more focused on my kids than trying to be skinny " is offensive and rude. There is nothing wrong with looking after yourself as well as looking after your kids. You keep it up and don't let others make you feel bad. How she feels about herself / weight loss/body image is complex and individual to her. Other people can never understand her reasons for not being able to lose weight, its so personal.

Friend is super duper jealous and insecure about the op's willpower and ability to make healthy choices for herself

Salads are just normal food..... Why are they seen as sanctimonious or boring?

I had no idea they caused such offence and had the power to ruin a DC'less night out!

I don't see how she can view being slim/normal weight and maintaining it, as being a worse parent than an overweight one? Where is her logic? Surely it's better for dc if a parent is active and can run around/bend over/ have energy to play and go out? Better for DC if they eat well and see the parents doing the same. Witness parents taking exercise and enjoying it?

OP you haven't responded to the posts pointing out how you describe non-slim mothers as 'a frumpy depressed mess' or stating that they simply are too lazy/unmotivated to lose weight. Any thoughts on that?

Actually, YANBU for feeling angry. She was very rude and her issues about weight are her own and she shouldn't judge you for managing to lose weight. But YABVVVVU for saying all those things. When someone is so petty and judgmental you shouldn't answer in the same way. It's petty and mean and makes you look even worse than her. Losing weight is very hard, esp with kids. Some people manage to do it, some don't. It doesn't make them better or worse people. You were both terrible.

How did you end the evening? Will you reach out to her today?

Forever... what did I make up? I did not say you did not talk about anything else. You could have made this thread in a much less judgy way. 'I went out for dinner with my friend and she was making insiduous digs at me all night. Eventually I snapped as I felt judged by her. Am I unreasonable to have a break from seeing her now and see how things pan out.' Or.. 'During dinner my friend said that mums that jog are negligent. Am I unreasonable to think she is an idiot?' Both of those would have worked without needing a sodding judgement on weight and who eats what for dinner!

I think you were both unreasonable and defensive, and that you wrote your OP from a very defensive place.

It's understandable that her comments annoyed you, but as others have said you fought fire with fire. Better to be upfront and say: I'm not sure why you feel the need to make these comments but it's upsetting me so please stop.

GamoraStarlord
Wow
It really is unreasonable to say eating biscuits wont help u lose weight don't blame the DCs when you and someone are friends?
Noted.

Also, I don't think her comments were aimed at you but at trying to justify things to herself. Getting defensive and trying to hurt her back isn't going to help.

Other people intervened to tell her to stop??! How loud was she? Is be mortified

JanineStHubbins Please read the OP properly and I'm not being cheeky.

I said

with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess.

This is true and she bloody said it at dinner did she not? She was being a mummy martyr and it comes from this weird "real moms look like this and speak like this and act like this mentality"

It's this mentality from which the SATM VS Working mom argument comes from.

Madness.

A couple of people within earshot told her to shut up? Seriously, what restaurant was this?

I'm with you- only because she started it by making digs at you. She did this because she's jealous and insecure (even if she doesn't realise it).

I have also lost a considerable amount of weight and still have a fair bit to go- I have good weeks and bad weeks and I've also been at the button end of comments about 'how life is too short' etc. (Usually by ppl who are bigger than me). Tbh though without hearing your side of the story, what you said to her won't show you in a good light.

Yanbu op