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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

550 replies

ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 09:44

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

  • I know having a baby is hard
  • I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases
-I know loosing wieght in general is hard
  • I know women should not judge other women
  • I think all ladies could go at their own pace
  • I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

OP posts:
Glastokitty · 12/04/2015 11:11

Well, you both sound like dreadful bores to me.

26Point2Miles · 12/04/2015 11:12

She sounds horrible op, is she always like that? also, she sounds defensive.

I can see why op gave so much detail...., sets the scene and means she isn't 'drop feeding' by adding it all in later

And yes! Going for a quick run is better than sitting 'watching corrie with a ton of biscuits' and actually sets a great example for dc

BabyGanoush · 12/04/2015 11:14

I find going out for dinner with people on diets boring, as their salad-ordering seems to imply a judgement on my carby foods.

You confirmed those suspicions in OP

No need to pig out either, but being a sanctimonious salad eater does not make you good company. In a restaurant. On a walk/movie it would be different!

MaudGonneAway · 12/04/2015 11:14

What 'comments', OP?

And I'm simply surprised you registered exactly what she ate. I was out for dinner with a close friend two nights ago and have only the vaguest memory of what she ate or drank.

26Point2Miles · 12/04/2015 11:14

Oh and all the 'skinny' and 'waif like' comments

Exchange them for the opposite.... 'Fatty' and 'whale like'...

Glitterytwigsnshit · 12/04/2015 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

26Point2Miles · 12/04/2015 11:16

maud if I'm at dinner with other people and we are splitting the bill then yes, I DO kind of take notice of what they are ordering!

flamingoland · 12/04/2015 11:16

god you two sound a right barrel of laughs.

26Point2Miles · 12/04/2015 11:17

Salads are just normal food..... Why are they seen as sanctimonious or boring?

Blazing88 · 12/04/2015 11:17

I'm struggling to lose weight big time. 3 pregnancies, 2 babies in under 2 years..both very traumatic births (and pregnancies if I'm honest)

I don't even recognise myself. Normally 9 stone ish..currently now 11 stone (but was 13 stone a year ago)

She needs support, not judgement. You're probably right (i'm not eating right either) but it doesn't mean she doesn't need support.

I'm struggling because I'm exhausted, not getting any sleep, have no energy etc etc. Yes, I'm not eating great but to be honest, no worse than I ate at 9 stone! (when I never put weight on)

DocHollywood · 12/04/2015 11:17

Is it possible that when you said that her choice of food sounded good it implied you were going to choose the same or similar? Going on to choose a salad may have made her feel wrong-footed and set the scene for the jibes. Not saying you were wrong to do so obvs.

Justusemyname · 12/04/2015 11:18

Both as bad as each other but you think you're better than her because you're a few ounces lighter.

GamoraStarlord · 12/04/2015 11:18

The reason I think you are as bad as each other is because you are both either bad friends or really bloody boring. Last week I went out for dinner with a friend. I cannot tell you what she had for dinner.. I can tell you we spoke about... our kids, politics, feminism, the really funny jokes we heard in the comedy club, things we had done with our partners, what we might do in may half term.... etc. At no point were we throwing shade at each other or judging each other. No one made any pointed comments and neither of us came home enraged enough to mumsnet about it.
People like you and your friend would never be my friend because life is too short and too great to be putting up with miserable picky judgers which is what you both are. Who had what to eat and who weighed what.. surely that shit can get left in the lockers at secondary school.

26Point2Miles · 12/04/2015 11:19

So op shouldn't choose a salad in case it offends? Ridiculous!

DuckChowMein · 12/04/2015 11:19

Fgs, none of this would have happened if the op and her 'friend' hadn't been frollicking in a restaurant instead of sitting at home watching corrie the kids Grin

AgaPanthers · 12/04/2015 11:20

Some of you people are horrible. OP ate her dinner and was attacked without any provocation. And she is being unreasonable? For what?

It's really not hard to work this out.

GamoraStarlord · 12/04/2015 11:21

26point2 I never understand why salads are seen as sanctimonious either! I don't tend to have them on meals out though as they never seem... my moneys worth I guess? I like to have things out that I cannot be arsed to make at home!

Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 11:21

Ginmartini I liked her until she attacked my parenting because I jog. I suppose you would have said nothing....or let me guess....not have brought up her eating because over weight people are untouchable as though your appearance gives you some moral high ground.

Funny how she can attack me as a mom but I respond commenting on her weight and not her parenting which is farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr more personal and important and I'm horrible. I thought if you wanted to lose weight you should be healthy was a fact....maybe not. And for the millionth time this was in response for someone saying to me eating healthy = bad mom. It's like weight is this taboo subject and people who are not happy with theirs are allowed to say whatever the fuck they want.

Some posters literally are basically saying:

Slim - evil smug bitch who leaves kids in cot for hours on end to stare in mirror
Over weight - perfect busy mommy obsessed with child

Why cant we just be people who love our kids and are on different journeys? Some of us may not even be on a bloody journey I made a personal choice to lose weight that doesnt mean I give a shit about anyone who doesnt cant or wont.

OP posts:
Mermaidhair · 12/04/2015 11:23

Eating normal healthy food is boringConfused

26Point2Miles · 12/04/2015 11:23

Yes gamira they are never worth the price in restaurants really. But looking at what this friend ordered,it's a heart attack on a plate waiting to happen. No chance of burning that lot off in a day.

Mermaidhair · 12/04/2015 11:24

I'm with you ForeverChasingToddlers

GamoraStarlord · 12/04/2015 11:24

Funny how she can attack me as a mom but I respond commenting on her weight and not her parenting which is farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr more personal and important and I'm horrible.

You are both in the wrong here. Both of you said idiotic things. Neither of you are good friends. No-one is more personal or right. Both of you said things that would have a lasting hurt. On purpose. It was poor behaviour both ways.

StrawberryTot · 12/04/2015 11:25

I'd say you were both BU, your 'friend' shouldn't have made snide remarks and you lost the moral high ground retaliating. Yet in all honesty I can see why.

Sadly I agree with many posters that the weight topic is a minefield on MN and that it's far more accepted to bash slim/ thin/ smaller (insert any other word) people than those who are overweight.

Ps salads are not boring!! My favourite places to eat are those with salad stations. My DH thinks they are gross and bland he doesn't know what he's missing Grin

26Point2Miles · 12/04/2015 11:25

She would have s field day attacking my parenting op..... 5dc and training for london marathon!!

But I could get away with ordering what she ordered and not put on any weight from it, I'd feel like crap tho. Just as she probably did after eating it

Haroldplaystheharmonica · 12/04/2015 11:26

I wish more dinner conversation was about exercise routines and weight loss - said no-one ever

Well out group of friends (men and women) often discuss our gym routines when we meet up and we're not boring at all! When exercise is a major part of your life, then it makes sense that it will get discussed when you chat to other like-minded people. If exercise bores you then of course you wouldn't talk about it and find someone else doing so boring themselves.