To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

[ForeverChasingToddlers]

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

• I know having a baby is hard
• I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases

-I know loosing wieght in general is hard

• I know women should not judge other women
• I think all ladies could go at their own pace
• I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

As someone who is still 'trying' to lose the baby weight from DD1, age 20, YANBU!

She is not trying to lose the weight, then blaming being a better parent than you for it. That is just plain nasty.

I do not think being fat makes me a better parent. It never has, never will. Sometimes it makes parenting harder.

Good grief, it's nothing to do with being a mother. You like healthier food options because you're watching your weight and she likes less healthy food. I have friends like this and I too have been on the receiving end of little digs about my love of salad etc.. Not for one moment does it bother me, I love the kind of food I eat and things like macaroni cheese and fried cheese balls are pretty disgusting IMO. You clearly identified that she is self conscious about her weight and food choices and she is hitting out at you because your self discipline makes her feel worse. She is using motherhood defensively as an excuse. It's a ridiculous defense (and personally I think that taking time to exercise is one of the best things a parent can do to model healthy habits for their children) but it's all she has so don't let it get to you and if you can, try to feel sympathetic. Some people have very complicated relationships with food.

christ OP, I have to say I think you have been unfairly flamed here. Yes perhaps you should not have lost your temper with her or said those things but she was being pretty nasty. I keep seeing a trend of people on MN thinking it's some kind of sin to show anger and it's extremely worrying. You're only human.

Your friend is clearly jealous that you were watching while you ate while she wasn't. It's fine to eat what you want but don't make others feel bad for their choices!

I sympathise because just after Christmas this year I was 11st 7lbs. I'm only 5ft 3 so this for me is too much. I am now 10st 4. Not losing weight very quickly, but losing it nonetheless and I feel happier and much healthier.

I have another friend who is 16 stone (complains about it constantly yet does absolutely nothing about it) and ever since I lost weight I have had constant sarky comments from her that I have 'taken it too far' and 'hardly eat now'. Neither of which is true. Hence the fairly slow weight loss - I prefer to do it properly using a balanced diet and moderate exercise than juice for two weeks and lose a stone of water weight.

I have got no problem whatsoever with larger ladies eating what the hell they want, what I do have a problem with is when they try to make others feel bad about their own choices. It's no one business what you eat or what you don't eat.

Your friend was jealous and while perhaps should have bitten your tongue a little, I do not think YWBU.

You have done so well helena and I bet you look great. Ignore her

helena pregnancy doesn't always cause weight gain. Within 3 weeks of giving birth to my last child I was 5kg lighter than at the start. I still have lots to lose though.

Thanks kent Im sorry to hear about your sister and what shes going through.

I don't give a flying fuck what my friends weigh and I hope they don't give an equal shit about mine. When we go out, we have a laugh, gossip, talk shit, have a few drinks and go home. We are all different weights, heights, sizes etc and we all have our own hang ups about it, but seriously, try and enjoy yourselves abit without worrying about each others dress sizes, FFS.

"I keep seeing a trend of people on MN thinking it's some kind of sin to show anger and it's extremely worrying"

Do you honestly think the OP acted like a normal adult? Show anger, fine, but don't attack someone like a bitchy teenager, even if that someone is acting like a bitchy teen herself. I get it, the op snapped, we all do sometimes. It certainly isn't a "worrying trend" that some pps aren't condoning her retaliation IMHO.

Sorry to add. Just because we all snap sometimes doesn't make it right, and I think the op went further than most with her comments in her op.

marwoods I think she actually behaved quite reasonably considering the friend basically insinuated she was a bad mother by going out for a jog!

Agreed her friend sounds like a giant bellend. Still think the response eg "bloody admit you're lazy" was awful. Do you know people who actually behave like this in RL? I bloody don't.

marwoods I did say in my original post that probably the OP went too far, but I do sort of resent this whole 'don't sink down to their level' thing. If someone is awful to you, why on earth should you sit there and take it? I don't mean get abusive, but there's nothing wrong with calling someone out on something.

Her friend sounds like a classic case of can dish it out but can't take it back. And those people deserve to be called on it.

Yanbu
You got to her.
If she can give it ( with her snide remarks) she should be able to take it
But she obviously can't take it.
You are right.
I just wish I had your willpower re food.
I know one can be thin if one wants to be.
Eat less... move more.

Exactly pinning, she has tried to brush it off in the past, the friend kept making jibes, that night she continued her jibing, op gave a very reasonable come back, any reasonable person would have changed the subject and apologised, but the friend carried on, like a lion with some meat in its mouth. She deserved op subsequent answer. Some people are so perfect on here, that they would be happy to have their parenting insulted, and to be constantly made a mockery of. There is only so much you can take before you snap, hopefully friend won't do that again in a hurry. It may also give her soon food for thought.

5'6 and 87kgs isn't 'overweight', it is obese (a BMI of 31). It is at a level which will affect your life to the extent of not being able to move normally or play actively with your children. I think OP was spot on, especially after the hammering her friend gave her. Being a good parent is also about looking after oneself at least enough to maximise one's own chances of being around to see your children grow up.

As for her friend, if you can't take it, you shouldn't be so keen to give it out.

exactly larry, her friends comments were very loaded, and were goading for a reaction, don't dish it, if you can't take it.

It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

op initial response was fine, any other person would have apologised and left it there, no friend still was being nasty and goady. Tbh, I would distance myself.

I weigh just under that larry though i used to be 21 stone. The pressure doesnt just come from mags though as you have proven. And i move faster than a lot of people i know.

You are both very touchy about weight and food.
She was rude and goady but the way in which you failed to recognise what was behind it and were so forceful in your response suggests that you are also sensitive.
It doesn't concern either of you what the other one weighs or eats.
Anyway, sounds like a fun evening was had by all and I think you might be better seeing less of each other.

Actually eating all that she ordered makes her a bad mother as it's a terrible example to show your children

Focussing on food and dieting is also not good for your children.
"Bad mother"-very judgemental.

I have no axe to grind-tallish and medium sized.

Why not just eat normally and not focus on food and dieting either

Well, yes, except the OP was railing against being judged, while judging her "friend".