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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

550 replies

ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 09:44

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

  • I know having a baby is hard
  • I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases
-I know loosing wieght in general is hard
  • I know women should not judge other women
  • I think all ladies could go at their own pace
  • I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

OP posts:
Nettymaniaa · 12/04/2015 16:01

Just sounds like you had a horrible night out with someone who has their own issues and for now the friendship isn't going anywhere at the moment. I would just walk away from it all. Sometimes friends have got their own stuff going on and it compels them to chuck it out there. No good can come of responding as they are already in a mindset that is not the same as yours. Weight is a huge trigger. Unfortunately you were in a setting that didn't help you and who hasn't snapped at some point.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 12/04/2015 16:05

Sorry op neither of you come off well. Its not a friendship you have if you speak to each other like that. You sank to her level.

Nettymaniaa · 12/04/2015 16:10

Furthermore you BMI is most likely now in the healthy range as is mine and I know that no matter what else the health benefits are immense. I would say congratulations and walk away from this situation including this thread. Well done.

slithytove · 12/04/2015 16:11

And when I was 11 stone at 5'5, I was bloody amazing looking (pre kids). Completely toned and muscly.

Don't assume 11 stone is big.

Mrsstarlord · 12/04/2015 16:15

Have you actually read my post? I agree with what you are saying

Siennasun · 12/04/2015 16:21

YANBU at all OP
Friend was very rude. She sounds insecure about her weight and jealous of you for being slim and a massive mummy martyr...can't believe some of the comments on this thread!! People's nights are ruined by their friends ordering salad?!? ConfusedHmm

26Point2Miles · 12/04/2015 16:23

netty are you THE netty? Of 12 min mile fame?

Nettymaniaa · 12/04/2015 16:24

Only if you were to put my sofa on wheels. No I don't beleive I am. Is that a thread?

cruikshank · 12/04/2015 16:25

If you really think it's so terrible to judge people's body shape (ie with your comment "It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!!") then why the fuck did you say that?

You both sound a bit fucked up about weight/body image etc and I don't imagine that either of you are happy, and now you've just gone along and let your own feelings of fucked-upness ruin your friendship.

Well done.

Blarblarblar · 12/04/2015 16:30

OP I've read the whole thread and I honestly think YWBU so has your friend. She was awful and unkind and goady but she didnt post on AIBU you did. You were also unkind and hurtful. I do not say this because of your size, I do not say this because you spend time away from your kids I say it because you could and should have responded to her differently. It's hard in the heat of the moment and we all regret occasionally acting out. It seems that you think anyone who doesn't agree with you has some sort of weight agenda when actually they just don't think you are right.
What will you do with your friend? Tell her she hurt you and you lashed out or not speak again.
I hope you can both realise you weren't very good to each other and move past it.

kent43 · 12/04/2015 16:31

So you are a slim 10/12 and still want to lose 10kg

26Point2Miles · 12/04/2015 16:33

Ahh you aren't her,no not a thread. A thing which went viral over Twitter and in the papers few weeks ago

There was outrage in the running communities when netty was pulled out of the spen20 race as she would be too slow at a 12 min mile!! The woman is a marathon and ultra marathon runner

gonetrekking · 12/04/2015 16:44

That's outrageous 26! I was thinking 12 min mile not so bad if you were doing a half or marathon.

kent43 · 12/04/2015 16:45

Bear in mind that telling an overweight person how it is can push them into anorexia and bullimia. This happened to my sister when she was a size 14/16 so not massive when I was a teenager and she still has a poor relationship with food and dentures due to the purging. She is a slim size 10 but she is not bloody healthy. Her diet is truly crap and very restrictive. Eating out with her is a nightmare.
She is still overinvested in watching others eat which is why I commented about t youwanted to lose another 10kg when you are already slim in your opinion.

crapfatbanana · 12/04/2015 16:51

FFS.

Nettymaniaa · 12/04/2015 16:54

No one should get pulled out of a marathon thinking of the message that sends. No I am not her but I salute her.

Stillyummy · 12/04/2015 16:55

Op I have the same view. Not shore if I would have said it or bitten through my tongue!

26Point2Miles · 12/04/2015 17:01

Don't worry, we all put those race organisers to shame.... The whole running community was sickened. She got an apology and I doubt v v much it will ever happen again. There are race cut offs of course. But runners then have the choice to continue on their own. netty became a bit of a star!

sleeponeday · 12/04/2015 17:06

I put on a stack of weight in pregnancy. I find it hard to lose. I don't think my weight has the least effect on my ability as a parent or worth as a human being - there is no moral value to how large someone's arse is, despite a culture that seems to believe otherwise. I still think your friend was being appalling, in couching her jealousy at your self-discipline and effort by implying she's a better mother than you because she's struggling with her weight. And I completely understand that you hit back when provoked repeatedly like that. Who wouldn't?

I have a lovely slim friend who goes to the gym regularly, and is also as it happens a fab mother. I envy her lovely figure but I'm not jealous of her over it - if I did what she did, I'd be as slim as she is. I don't and so I'm not, and that's fine. But if I needled her the way this woman did you, she'd be wholly justified in snapping back as you did. I'd have got what I came for.

The issue isn't that this woman is bigger than you are. The issue is that she tried to make out you're a bad, selfish parent by slimming down faster than she is, and that's nasty on her part. You're human. You'll eventually lose patience. If she doesn't like it then don't dish it out.

YANBU.

MissDemelzaCarne · 12/04/2015 17:12

YWBU and so was your 'friend'. I feel sorry for your companions. Hmm

HelenaDove · 12/04/2015 17:19

kent i agree I was 21 stone and went down to 11 stone I regained weight and went up to 16 stone 10 Ive been dieting again for 20 months and have got down to 13 stone 5 Im an hourglass with big boobs and bum and get a lot of compliments from men.

But i bumped into my ex boss ( a 67 yr old woman who said to me "You really could do with losing another two stone if you can" There are people out there who will NEVER be satisfied with what others do unfortunately. It has caused mental health problems I never want to have sex again. Pregnancy causes weight gain and ive never wanted kids anyway.

Last time i was on the Mini Pill i gained weight DESPITE sticking to slimming world.

So sexwise i cant win! The contraception choices for over 35s are shit and hormonal contraception doesnt agree with me anymore. Im also happy to be celibate because i dont trust people anymore They treat you like shit when you are big and then when you lose weight its STILL not good enough. SO FUCK "EM Or not in this case!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/04/2015 17:20

I think the friend sounded defensive and prickly.
But not really nasty.
To have said what you did, and with the "tired of the eating for two myth" comment, I would assume you do actually judge other women by their shape and just normally hold back.
Who the hell knows how many kilos their friends weigh?

HelenaDove · 12/04/2015 17:20

kent im a size 14 to 16 now.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 12/04/2015 17:22

This reply has been deleted

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HelenaDove · 12/04/2015 17:26

Oh and my ex boss also INSISTED that i can excersise off loose skin when ive had two doctors tell me the only thing that can get that off is surgery.

I have some on my stomach which ruins my silouette. And some inside my thighs But unless i want to bankrupt myself theres nothing i can do about it.