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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

550 replies

ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 09:44

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

  • I know having a baby is hard
  • I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases
-I know loosing wieght in general is hard
  • I know women should not judge other women
  • I think all ladies could go at their own pace
  • I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

OP posts:
MarwoodsMate · 12/04/2015 12:39

But this thread has revealed some deeper things RE weight and motherhood that are quite frankly disturbing.

KILL THE EVIL SMUG SLIM (ISH) BITCH NOOOOOOOWWWW

Where? Think this says more about you than anyone else tbh. Nobody I know makes such an enormous deal out of size and I haven't seen anything this sinister on this thread. Who cares if you are big or small? Do you feel like you are targeted for your very average size in RL? Where on earth does this happen? You don't sound at all underweight or very thin (that's a good thing). Why do you imagine anyone wants to kill you for your size?

26Point2Miles · 12/04/2015 12:39

So how would everyone else react to having their parenting choice slagged off..... Continuously, over and over??

Who would simply walk away?
Who would retaliate and fight their own corner?

What is the 'correct' thing to do here?

flanneryann · 12/04/2015 12:39

To be honest I'm not really sure why you are getting attacked on here. Its not like you sat and told her she should order a salad fgs. She is bang out of order for hinting that you are being neglectful of your family because you are choosing to keep your body and mind healthy. I think its admirable. I really hate the perception that you have to be a martyr to motherhood. Its not like you are doing your family any good by developing hypertension and type 2 DM is it? I worked hard to loose excess baby weight in the few years after my 2. Its hard work dragging your arse off the sofa to do some exercise but it just has to be done unfortunately.

Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 12:40

gonetrekking thats alll.....im trying....to say. And I think I've been perfectly clear with that but it's like the second you say anything to someone who is bigger than you you are evil. Funny thing is.....if weight was not involved and I just snapped back in general about her commenting on my parenting everyone would be saying I was right. But throw a couple of home truths about the general biology of weight loss (for healthy people) and you're an evil smug bitch.

OP posts:
Feellikescrooge · 12/04/2015 12:41

You sound absolutely charming. My criticism of you would not be of your snapping, we all do that, but your inability to accept that you might not have behaved perfectly. The way you respond to any poster who does not say well done is vitriolic. This is AIBU you know, a forum for opinions.

Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 12:43

MarwoodsMate i was taking the piss out of the amount of people on here that think I'm smug despite my weight loss being a journey I have nothing to be smug about I have 10kg left to go and some days i feel like crying but i dont pick on women smaller than me I jog

OP posts:
MarwoodsMate · 12/04/2015 12:43

So how would everyone else react to having their parenting choice slagged off..... Continuously, over and over??

Who would simply walk away?

Yep

MarwoodsMate · 12/04/2015 12:44

Sorry as in yep, I would walk away

Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 12:45

Feellikescrooge I've said a million times i should not have snapped I just dont understand how i became a smug bitch obsessed with food in the process of course I should not have snapped how old am I in an ideal world I'd have ignored her

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 12:46

Feellikescrooge Be honest....I've been trolled by a couple of people and I've actually agreed with a few people who have said IBU actually just not those who want to be nasty

OP posts:
Koalafications · 12/04/2015 12:47

Maybe Homer Simpson was right...

JanineStHubbins · 12/04/2015 12:48

If you think someone's 'trolled' you, you should report to MNHQ Hmm

Fanfeckintastic · 12/04/2015 12:49

I can't for the life of me understand why the OP is coming under fire!! If this was about anything else people would view it differently.

"I'm too busy raising my children well to work, they come first, we can't all frolic around building careers for ourselves"

"What can I say, I have sticky floors, dirty oven, pile of stinking clothes beside the washing machine because I'm a good mum!! Cleaning is secondary to basking in my glorious children's company"

I say this as an overweight woman myself too! OP didn't do or say anything wrong, health is important. Where are people getting food obsessed bully from?! This place is mad!

Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 12:50

flanneryann Thanks, I feel like mommy martyrdom is rife here and for what? I love food but I'll have a rye cracker with cottage cheese or ill make mac and cheese with soya milk whole wheat pasta / flour with low fat cheese. I'll add broccoli and spinach in the mix its so so so so good.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 12/04/2015 12:51

"Sorry but your OP does sound very judgemental about what she chose to eat."

Let's face it. It was a gargantuan amount of food (IMO), regardless of how much anyone weighs. That is the kind of meal I would expect a man doing a heavy manual job to eat. Even OH wouldn't eat all that.

Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 12:54

Fanfeckintastic Thanks. Why is food so touchy. I wanted to kill myself sometimes as a teen never being happy with how i looked. I just want to take control of my life but the fucked up thing is this.....I do it quietly....my own DH doesnt know how much keeping the weight off for me. I'm happier and a better wife/person/mom when I am healthy. I really am. I don't want to be upset about how I look all the time. I'm not saying if you are overweight you are automatically unhappy and should automatically be unhappy I'm just saying it makes me sad and I want to fix it.

OP posts:
MrsBigginsPieShop · 12/04/2015 12:55

Is 70kg slim?

Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 12:56
  • my own DH doesnt know how much keeping the weight off means for me
OP posts:
Feellikescrooge · 12/04/2015 12:56

Fair enough I have not read the whole thread but your response to me was quite nasty. As the mother of two dd and a secondary teacher these retaliatory arguments are the bane of my life! It just appeared that for you the best form of defence is attack. However if I have misjudged you I apologise, can't be bothered to read the whole thread because I am off for a swim. I will be interested where this has got to in an hour or so.

Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 12:57

MrsBigginsPieShop I am a size 10. Rarely a 12 unless its something booby (32GG breasts)

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverChasingToddlers · 12/04/2015 12:59

Feellikescrooge As someone who loves her kids and spends nearly 24/7 with them being called a shallow egotistical mom because i leave DH to hold down the fort for 1/2 a bloody hour is the bane of mine. I understand everyone feels judged sometimes. Didnt mean to be nasty I do become a monster where my DDs are involved.

OP posts:
Flossiechops · 12/04/2015 13:00

Op i hear what your saying. She was probably on the defensive as she is larger than what she wants to be (as you pointed out). She got personal in a passive aggressive way and you took the bait and snapped back a load of insults to her. My guess is she is very unhappy with her weight and seeing you slimmer and watching what you were eating made her feel worse. You know what you said wasn't great but you can't take it back. As she was saying her shite in a passive aggressive way she can deny meaning to cause hurt (clever you see). I wouldn't apologise to be honest i would just be avoiding her in the future.

Fwiw i have recently lost nearly 2 stone myself and have had all sorts of comments about being too thin, life is too short to watch what you eat etc. I couldn't give a shite what they think though i feel amazing. When my dc were pre-school i used to put them in the gym creche for an hour so i could work out - did it make me a bad mum in other peoples eyes? Meh i couldn't care less!!

Patapouf · 12/04/2015 13:02

Eh??

As an aside, why does anyone have to lose the weight at all?

liveloveluggage · 12/04/2015 13:03

The first part of what you said was reasonable, up to where you said "dont try to make losing weight and being a good mother mutually exclusive" but you didn't have to add all that personal stuff about her being lazy. You should have said I find your comments hurtful because it makes it sound like you think I am a bad mum, and I would appreciate your support with my healthy eating and exercise.

MrsBigginsPieShop · 12/04/2015 13:04

About 11 stone according to google conversion....
Being totally honest I wouldn't say that was slim. I am 5'6 and that weight 18 months after DS arrived. I am aware I am overweight.
It reads like her actions were based on her insecurities, but was your reaction a little defensive?
I hate eating in front of people unless I'm lighter than I am now.