To tell friend she isn't trying to shift baby weight in argument

[ForeverChasingToddlers]

Before everyone blasts me and jumps to conclusions about what I think and believe just to be clear

• I know having a baby is hard
• I know having babies so close together is even more hard on the body and mind in most cases

-I know loosing wieght in general is hard

• I know women should not judge other women
• I think all ladies could go at their own pace
• I know having kids and working out is harder than getting it done without kids. Moreso when you are a working mom.

Friend and I were at a escape from evil bloodsucking children birthday dinner on Saturday.
She has 2 DCs under 3 - the last one being born in september.
I have 2 DCS under 3 - Last DD being born in October.

I'm 70KG at 5''7 post baby, she is 5''6 and around 87KG post baby. I have about 10 Kgs to go until I am happy so emotionally mentally physically am still on a weight loss journey

We are at the dinner, DH's at home with the babies, She orders macaroni and cheese with half a chicken and a side of chips with a large glass of wine. She had a starter of fried cheese balls and a desert of what looked like apple pie. I didn't give one shit yet when I order a chicken salad with dressing on the side she starts to snigger and make little digs. The ones that really hurt me throughout the night was

"I'm more focused on my DC's than trying to be skinny"
"Live a little - it's all about being a good mom"
"Not all of us have time to frolic around in the gym some of us have kids to take care of"

I laughed them off until the last frolic comment - I then said that It's fucked up that in today society you cannot get on with being whatever type of woman / mother that fits you without being fucking judged!!! My husband is 100000% hands on, and we share the responsibility 50/50, when I have a spare minute instead of going to bed I muster up every last shred of energy I have and go for a jog for 1/2 an hour instead of watching corrie with a tin of biscuits next to me (which is what she does fair enough but silly if you want to loose weight thats all!!). I watch what I eat and that gets 80% of the work done anyway so what's with the parenting bashing?

she then said "being a mom is a 24/7 job with or without a husband" as though for taking 1/2 an hour a day to jog while hubby watched the DDs makes me an absent mother! WTF

I just bloody snapped and said We all have to loose the wieght at our own personal pace in our own personal way....but don't try and make being over weight and being a good mom mutually exclusive...they do not walk hand in hand and just bloody admit you are being lazy and you could atleast watch what you put in your mouth if you really cared

She didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

AIBU?

She hates her body and says she wants to loose weight but clearly has no bloody motivation. Some people are single mothers with not one spare lucid minute to work out at home or cant afford a gym membership fair play but watch what you eat then if you so desperately want to loose weight

I'm tired of the "eating for two" myth and I'm tired of the sensationalism of not shifting baby weight (if you want to) as "being a real mom" because you are too busy mothering and eating crap!!

Most of all I'm tired of the judgement of being a slim and working out and going to the gym .... with her and to be honest some other women it's like to be a "real" mom you have to be a frumpy depressed mess. I truly believe that if you have a hands on DH or even a mum willing to help you out etc you can get the weight off!! Sometimes ...... I even wear makeup and get my hair done....CALL THE SOCIAL SERVICES!!!

Not read through the entire thread, but my word, what a lot of food!! Feel sick at thought of it (might be all the mention of chicken though)

I'm slightly overweight, before falling pregnant, I'm so conscious of that fact and trying to eat sensibly, eating for one plus a wee bit extra. I've luckily not put on too much weight (I'm all bump) BUT I'm already making plans in my head to get to the gym/plates classes once I'm deemed okay to do so.

I don't see it as a choice but an "I have to"
Everyone is so different in their approaches to food/exercise but I know my weight is a problem and I don't want my child to learn from my OWN lazy bum tenancies (not inferring any one else is. I'm talking about me).

Anyway, your original AIBU

You, probably because you let her rile you.

Her, probably because she obviously has her issues that instead of facing uses it as a shield to hide behind by commenting on your eating habits. Those issues may actually be much more than just the food btw, sounds a bit like the tip of the iceberg for her. Still no excuse for BU

Op clearly states she has more to lose and is on that journey

I believe the 'food obsessed' comments are not related to what you said to your 'friend' but to the fact that your OP kicked off with an in depth and irrelevant description of your weight v hers and a detailed description of what she ordered. Neither of which have anything to do with the discussion you went on to have. She was out of order to speak to you the way she did but your sense of superiority over her shines through in your OP so if she has a sense of this perhaps she feels defensive and embarrassed.
You also don't seem to be terribly open to views that YABU (which seem to be in the majority) so I wonder why you posted in here if you really don't think you are.

I had lunch with a slim friend yesterday and we were talking about not wanting more children (we seem to have done a u turn in recent years) and one of her reasons was because of her figure which may sound mad to some people but she's very quietly lost 5st in the last few years and toned up amazingly. We then got talking about weighing ourselves etc and she said she doesn't have a scales at home because she'd be on them every day. You will probably all think this makes her weight obsessed etc but she's not, they're her own private issues and I'm surprised to find how many of us are the same. The scales and my clothes size affect my mood, that's not a good thing but I'm happier when I'm healthier it's not that crazy really.

I think so many people take issue with this because weight and food is a touchy subject perhaps even for them and the mummy martyrdom is an excuse for them to stay "curvy" because they're so busy being fantastic parents to concentrate on themselves for five seconds, and you've blown that excuse out of the water.

Yes op gave her a perfectly adequate initial response, but she kept on and on, op is only human, hindsight is a good thing isen't it. I would not be taken too kindly to me being slated about the type of mum I am. If you give those type of comments, expect a retaliation back.

Patapouf I agree. I just want to as a personal choice and because i choose to doesnt automatically mean i think everyone should though.

Fanfeckintastic Thank you so much. I a better person when I have the weight off and feel healthy.

zzzzz I'm not obsessed this is a thread about weight essentially so that's why I'm speaking about it in general Ii do not care it is her who is obsesed with my size I just wanted to order my salad and talk about the election

You were BOTH being unreasonable. She was BU in the first instance making digs at you but then you went way overboard and stooped to below her level.

And this whole "journey" rubbish is a total eye-roll. You've both had a baby within the last 7 months or so and are both under 90kg. You're not starting at 200kg. It's not a journey, you're just losing baby weight. It's not some massive accomplishment that should be seen as a competitive event - you are just losing baby weight. I didn't start shouting from the rooftops once I fitted back into my pre-pregnancy jeans again and it wasn't a "journey" either LOL. One day I tried them on and they fit again and that was it, I just got on with my day.

I think you were being v judgemental - reciting off exactly what she ordered versus your salad. You were judging her for ordering 3 courses and then the actual content of each course. Maybe she just felt like a big meal, maybe she doesn't get time at home for food like that. Just because you have time to go for a jog doesn't mean everyone does. Unless you live in their home you don't know what's going on with her.

The two of you should both be mortified and ashamed of yourselves. I feel sorry for your other friends who had to witness such childish behaviour from the two of you.

zzzzz and I never brought up her kids or her weight I was speaking about her weight loss journey and how it isnt going anywhere as she likes bad food in direct relevant response to her saying good moms are overweight because they are too busy mothering She could have been lighter than me and still judging me and I still would have said it. Many moms are "slim" but still frown upon the gym / working out / doing anything without your baby on your hip by the way. I would have said it to anyone of any weight.

Much like smokers and drinkers who can get quite aggressive with people who successfully give up, the friend is feeling very insecure, jealous and self-loathing about not being able to act like OP. I have sympathy with the friend on that score – it takes a mental effort and certain conditions to get into the right place to tackle things like your weight and health, and it's harder for some of us than others. I've also had the experience of feeling like a fat frump next to the super-fit, gym-honed mum at school pickup. That's only human.

But having a go at OP is not OK and implying that you are neglecting your DC because you take exercise is pretty below the belt. I might feel "god her body is amazing, I look like Bernard Manning standing next to her" but that does not give me a right to attack her.

It's also bloody annoying when you order a salad and people feel free to make all kinds of sarky comments (which they know would not be OK to make about less healthy choices). I like salad and often order it in restaurants because they have something interesting that would be a faff to make at home. And yes I'm trying to eat healthily and avoid gaining weight, so sue me. But certain friends will start sneering "Oh aren't you good", "come on, you can live a little it's the weekend." Oh feck off. Oh and I'm not on a diet. I just choose food that I like and that I think is good for me.

If it's not the done thing to remark on people's weight, health and choice of food, that should cut all ways.

coconutpie Im remembering not judging. Only mentioned it to outline that I didn't comment on her fairly large meal but she commented on my salad. Only trying to show their was no judgement on my side and that she was not provoked to have a go at me.

But this thread has revealed some deeper things RE weight and motherhood that are quite frankly disturbing.

KILL THE EVIL SMUG SLIM (ISH) BITCH NOOOOWWWWW

And here you are again, imagining that people are disagreeing with you because of your size, and not because of the horrible attitudes you display to other women and their weight.

This thread doesn't appear to have revealed anything to you at all.

So she prioritises time with the kids over going for a run. Doesn't make her a bad person, neother does what she eats. Going for a run doesn't make you a good person, neither does eating a salad. Do you understand that the way you talk about food and weight loss journeys makes you sound judgemental, whether you mean for it to sound that way or not.

and coconutpie I agree with everything you said RE how weight loss rhetoric can be a bit much. I'm speaking like this in the context of this thread but bear in mind this is only MN. Just because I post about an argument with my friend RE parenting and weight loss doesnt mean I run around speaking out food 24/7/. It may not be a journey for you but it was for me and I was very aware of the changes in my body and wanted to be in a confident healthy pre baby body space. Well done for it just naturally dropping off. I have to work out and eat will and work very very hard for mine to come off. Each to their own we all have different bodies.

It's really hard to rise above when people are being outrageous. Yes, you would keep the moral high ground by smiling serenely and letting it all roll off you, but sometimes when someone really pushes it you just think "well fuck YOU!". Then you are being as petty as them, which is annoying.

In your shoes OP I'd think this friendship is over or at least needs to take a break.

Mrsstarlord How do you know she priorities time with the kids over a run? Hmmm? And what do you mean "time with the kids" Ii think they can survive their nap with me out the house for 1/2 an hour. I would never prioritize a jog over my children....it's you who is actually being judgmental....I create a schedule with my DH... my kids are not alone...god FORBID DH WATCHES THEM FOR 30 WHOLE MINUTES OR THEY ARENT A PRIORITY. why do they need to be with me 24/7 365 days a year for me to "prove" they are a priority?

Here we go again with the weird mommy martyr rhetoric.

Of course going for a run doesn't make me a good person ...OR A BAD ONE funny how you forgot to add that in.

BathtimeFunkster What i said wouldnt have been an issue if i wasnt my size because she would not have been calling me skinny negligent bitch of a mother all night

Context is everything

Not read thread op, but if she is truly OW and un happy with it, maybe she needed to hear some home truths?

Its hard when your actively working on your weight and making progress, through hard graft to then be spoken to like that by someone who wants to loose weight but clearly isnt trying very hard.

dont worry about it, keep going with your own weightloss goal.

what she was saying to you she was probably saying to herself inside.
as long as you didnt give her food any funny glances, or grimaces or look smug over your salade.....your in the clear in my book

I'd just like to know where you buy your sports bras op. I'm a ff cup and can't find a decent bra that allows me to jog comfortably.

Sounds like she has issues about her weight and you have issues about your parenting.

Best stay clear of one another.

So its fine for op overweight friend to make jibes and horrible comments to op, she should take it, laugh it off etc. Its all well and good saying that behind the safety of your computer, if it was constantly said to your face during a nice meal out, and everytime you see that friend, than you would not be so forgiving. I bet it would be ok though, for op friend to say those comments to op. Geese some of you on here are really sizeist. Good on op for doing something about her weight and having the discipline to cut down her food and do excise. I would definitely give that friend a bit of distance.

Funny that you have assumed that I am judging you in my post. I run etc while DH watches the kids. Don't think that makes me a good or a bad parent. I spent 3 1/2 hours out of the house exercising today, just because this is how I choose to spend some of my time (prioritising exercise over some of my time with the kids) doesn't mean everyone has to.
You are incredibly defensive and because of this you are either misinterpreting or ignoring people when they are talking to you. You are also aggressive in your replies. Perhaps some personal reflection would be useful

You sound like a rubbish friend. I hope she ditches you.