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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

423 replies

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:38

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night Hmm they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

OP posts:
fatlazymummy · 12/04/2015 12:57

oneday I'm guessing the OP felt pressurised into inviting people to the ceremony that she hadn't originally intended to invite.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 12:57

Thanks bluebannanas

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 12:58

And yes I did feel pressured to have people thereZ yes 8.30am is inconvenient for people that attend but when we booked it we didn't think we'd have anyone there until they all kicked off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 12:59

I have told them the ceremony is awkward and we understand if they'd just like to attend the evening. Instead of just inviting them to the evening I gave them the option, I didn't realise that was so selfish.

OP posts:
Bambambini · 12/04/2015 13:01

Your actual ceremony and breakfast and location sounds gorgeous. Only thing is wont it be a bit chilly in Nov at 8.30 in the morning? Do they provide heaters?

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 13:03

And the sunrise weddings are very popular. Lots of people do it and have an evening reception. They just tend to have the ceremony alone it's not me who begged to come to the morning etc and then moaned about the price. I tried to accommodate as much as possible but clearly iabu and my wedding will be a disaster and everyone will have a shit day.

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 12/04/2015 13:05

So did you not initially invite them, but then changed the invites?

I think it just all sounds like it's got quite complicated and fraught. They probably don't really feel that welcome and it's all become a bit too much like hard work.

fatlazymummy · 12/04/2015 13:08

I think I understand now, OP. I don't think you're being U at all.
Originally you wanted a small sunrise wedding with a few guests who were happy to get up at that time of day. Then other people start wanting to be invited ,then back out once they realise the timing doesn't suit them.
If you haven't already sent out the invitations, then I'd go back to your original plans, and just invite the people you really want at the ceremony. People are then free to accept if they want to.
I'd also think about cutting back on the hen night as well. Having a big hen night sort of goes hand in hand with a big wedding to many people.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 12/04/2015 13:08

Come on OP- no need for the sarky teenage woe is me act! We're strangers on the internet trying to help you out with a bit of outsider perspective

gymboywalton · 12/04/2015 13:09

what you have to realise though is that people are going to have to stay away for 2 nights-to go to a night time do!

2 nights away for a full on wedding with a ceremony then a meal then a party in the evening-that's fine. But two nights away for an evening do?

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 13:12

Well no they don't need to stay two nights do they? If they come to just the evening reception they can stay in Bristol 20 mins down the road for £25 in a travelodge. They could drive back. They could arrange a mini bus (I would do this if they actually spoke to me about what they wanted to do)

OP posts:
fatlazymummy · 12/04/2015 13:16

chuckit have you sent out the invitations already?

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 13:16

But they are saying they can't afford to come to the evening. If it's just the evening it's actually even cheaper, Bristol travelodge, taxi share and home the next day. Or I'll pay for a mini bus. How can they not afford a FREE evening. Seriously though, free. I've told them I'm willing to pay for a mini bus there and back the same night
Please tell me how it's unreasonable.
Unreasonable to expect them to cough up £80 each then hang about for 10 hours (not really 10, breakfast finishes at 11, then stay for s few drinks and toasts etc. probably done by 12) was thinking of paying for pre drinks before the reception at a local bar so really it's 5 hours of we met up again at 5. I didn't realise I'd have explain all this. I'm even confused nown

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 13:17

Sorry. Last post is confusing. I meant to say I understand how I'm unreasonable for the £80 and hanging about etc.
But why won't they just come to the evening in a mini bus or stay at a travelodge. I don't think that's unfair. Maybe I'm mad

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 12/04/2015 13:19

Wait, they havent actually discussed all this with you? How do you know they are saying they can't afford to come?

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 12/04/2015 13:22

OP, with all due respect, your wedding just isn't as important to them as it is to you - it's a long way off yet, and they probably haven't really engaged beyond "it's a lot of hassle and expense for odd / unusual arrangements"

If you want to get a bus booked soon, just speak to a few of them, say you are looking into buses and would this be something they would find helpful. But you need to calm down about it - your wedding will be lovely, not shit, but if you're getting stroppy with them like you are on here then you won't get a good response from them

fatlazymummy · 12/04/2015 13:25

chuckit forget about arranging accomodation for those who are going to the evening reception, especially the apartment.
This is getting too complicated. Just invite them, offer to pay for a minibus by all means (a nice gesture IMO) and leave them to make their own arrangements for accomodation ,if they want to. If they don't want to or can't afford to come then never mind. Other people will.

KatieKaye · 12/04/2015 13:28

Perhaps your friends feel that going to the evening is just that - going to an evening party. It is not the same as going to your friend's wedding and seeing them getting married. It is just a party, albeit one in an expensive location.

Why no stick to your actual wedding plans and then have a party nearer home on another date?

that way the guests at the ceremony/breakfast can then do what they want rather than just sitting around waiting for the evening do (a bit like hanging around in an airport in transit, I think) and you and your DH can have the time together that is so important to you?

And I might be unusual in this, but no way would I be drinking that early in the morning. Or indeed drinking very much at all, so your "pre drinks" would translate to me as "standing around making polite conversation", not something I'd be especially keen on if I'd had to kill 5 or more hours.

that might just be me though. However, I think your friends have been trying to say politely that your wedding plans don't work for them and thus they are unable to attend.

Your wedding: your choice.
But that is why you invite people and give them the choice of accepting or not

Littlemonstersrule · 12/04/2015 13:32

Katie, that's a far better idea. OP gets the morning wedding and the guests don't have to waste an entire day doing pretty much nothing. It is far too early to drink in the morning for toasts and still early at 5pm.

It is just a party at the night and on a cold Novembers evening many won't want to go across town for a buffet and then back again. Especially given the message the guests have that you and DH planned it like this to be alone.

Summerisle1 · 12/04/2015 13:35

I think OP, that what you probably need to recognise is that people are finding excuses not to come to what's turned into a very piecemeal day that starts at dawn and involves many hours of inactivity. They might well be able to afford it, in principle but in practice they may not want to afford the sheer time commitment of 2 days away, let alone the monetary cost. People often try and find tactful excuses rather than be truthful, especially since weddings are emotive affairs already without brutal honesty creeping in.

I'd just stop trying to organise your friends. If they come, they come. If they don't it may well be for rather more reasons than mere money. If they want to come to what sounds like a much more straightforward hen do then let them do so without rancour.

kungfupannda · 12/04/2015 13:35

Until I noticed your wedding isn't till November, I thought this might be a wedding in our family. Same venue, same massive gap between ceremony and reception.

Lots of people declined simply on the basis of it being a massive pain in the backside in terms of timings and logistics.

It's a shame, but I think a lot of people would find those arrangements off-putting.

Bearbehind · 12/04/2015 13:52

OP, you don't seem to be making much sense to me.

To start with you said your guests would need to pay for 2 nights accommodation (the £80 in apartments) and were miffed that they chose not to.

Then you said they didn't have to stay at all.

Then you said you'd get them a mini bus if they wanted but they haven't discussed their plans with you.

Are you sure you're not just becoming a tad obsessed with this wedding?

What exactly has been said?

Your timings are completely unsuitable to many- I'd bet even those who haven't moaned aren't impressed but it's your day so fair enough.

JeanSeberg · 12/04/2015 13:52

It's 7 months off. Why are you pinning people down to a decision now? If it was me as a guest, I might start thinking about it in October, possibly September at a push. Surely the venue only need you to confirm numbers a few weeks in advance?

angeltulips · 12/04/2015 13:56

I'm another one who tends not to go to evening only invites. I find it a bit strange - I'd rather see the ceremony only than turn up for the evening. I don't really understand the logic of wanting people to see you on your wedding day (cf having a wedding celebratory drink which can be done anytime) but not wanting them to actually see you get married. And the couple I've attended I've always had the feeling of interrupting something. Perhaps your friends feel that as they're not going to be present at your actual marriage they'd like to do something smaller and more intimate with you to celebrate in preference to attending a party?

That's by the by, though, and I do think perhaps everything has got a bit confused. You are basically asking your friends to attend a party at a venue that's 45mins away, yes? If so, just ask them that. And if they keep pushing for a spa day then just tell them you'd prefer for them to save their pennies for the taxi fare/petrol there and back! Just drop all thoughts of accommodation - they don't need it for an evening party.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 14:19

It's really not that complicated.
We're getting married in the morning, really early. For those who want to see us get married badly enough for the hassle are welcome to come (although thed may wish to stay the night before as us early)
For those who don't, we'd love to see in the evening for our reception at 7.
Those who join us for the ceremony we will be having breakfast with Buck's Fizz and a few toasts then going to look around the Xmas market and go for lunch at 3, again people can join us for this or not.
We'll the go and get ready and relax for a couple of hours (long day) and then meet again at 5 for some ore drinks. If they wish.
If not don't and we'll see you there.

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