to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

[Chuckitinthefuckitbucket]

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

Some pretty nay stuff has been said in here about our wedding day. It may just be a cold November day for strangers wih a shit small talk time wasting drinks reception to strangers but it means a lot to usS I'm being pathetic as far as mums net is concerned but I'm not terribly worried I've paid for a day that was meant to be special for everyone regardless of whether they can make the ceremony or not and I've spent the whole day worrying because of the nastiness regarding a time gap that only closest family who insisted on being there at the ceremony have to endure.
Anyway it's too late now but I accwpt iabu

I'm so sorry Chuck, earlier on I completely didn't understand.

I think your wedding sounds lovely and I think you sound very hospitable and gracious.

I think your friends are being unreasonable but I think that it might be because they don't understand how little you want to pressure them and how much you want then to just do what works for them - maybe they wrongly think you are not being sincere when you say that or too sincere and don't want them there. Probably most likely they haven't thought about it deeply at all as November is still not really on heir radar yet and just think that it might all be super troublesome and expensive or that they will feel bad for not doing the whole thing. One of then has freaked out with the wrong end of the stick or something, I don't know.

I think it sounds lush! I'm sure they will come when they think about it properly.

For what it's worth, as I'm a random stranger, I would be totally torn between doing both and driving home, doing both and then hanging round Bath - or just coming to the evening. My least preferred option would be staying the two nights bit that's because of logistics, if I was footloose, child and dog free with a bit more cash then that sounds utter bliss (although not sharing with 15 - but so kind of you to try and sort that out). Sorry I'm rambling - I think it's a very exciting and beautiful sounding wedding.

The thing that jumped out at me was op saying 'they have months to save the £80'. When people get married they really do seem to forget that not everyone's priority is the wedding - some people just might have something else they need (or just want) to spend the money on! I would also absolutely hate the idea of a whole weekend wedding...but then again a 45min drive is nothing, why do people even need to stay!

Ooh cross post, hadn't even read your last post when I wrote that.

I'll come OP . it looks absolutely beautiful!

The problem you have here is trying to have the wedding you want, listening to what others want (invitation to ceremony) and ending up with a right old mess. I think maybe you needed to stick to your guns with the early morning ceremony with just the two of you, which sounds lovely by the way, or change it to accommodate your guests more easily. The way it is at the moment doesn't suit anyone - not you, not your guests.

I live in Bath and there is no way that I would want to hang around the area in my glad rags for 10 hours. Bath will be crowded and cold at that time of year. I would be at a total loss as to how to kill time and would be a tad grumpy when I arrived for the party.

I also detect an element of micro managing in your posts. Years ago people got invited to weddings and sorted themselves out. 30 years ago I have no idea where any of our long distance guests stayed or how that got there. Somehow or other they managed. Invite them by all means, but they either come or don't. A list of cheap accommodation may be useful and my daughter did this with her wedding day, but ultimately it's up to them whether they can make it or not.

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh because I fully support anyone trying to have the wedding they want. One of my daughters had a fairly traditional do, but I strongly suspect the other will elope just the two of them. Neither is wrong or right.

Can you not just lay on a minibus to and from the venue in the evening? Then anyone who wants to come in the morning can do so under their own steam. Set up the minibus seats as free tickets on Eventsbrite or Eventsbot or some other free online ticketing service and give them the link and get them to book so it's not even a hassle to keep track of who wants to come.

That's got to be cheaper than the apartment and 45 minutes isn't very far at all. Although possibly better to get a small coach with a loo if drinking.

*8:30am (!?!) then nothing all day till 7pm?!
That is absolutely bizarre and is precisely the reason nobodies coming *

This.

Sorry, just seen your last post and now mine sounds very unreasonable. I hope it goes well for you and that, most importantly, you have the wedding that you as a couple will love.

yes, you have indeed paid for the day that you want. And that is totally fine. Loads of people have told you that.

However, you are getting stroppy because people here have told you that your arrangements would not work for them, and that like your friends, they would not come. Which is also fine.

The fact that you have paid for the day you want co-exists with the fact that it is not a day some people would want to attend for a variety of factors, including: early starts; long periods of non-wedding related activities a fair distance from home; huge time commitment for a very long day; more expensive for guests to attend than the average wedding etc.

What you regard as special other people might regard as a huge hassle.

And those two views can both be valid.

the fact is that many people regard an 08.30 wedding and a 19.00 evening party as being too far apart for comfort. You think your wedding arrangements are perfect because they suit you and wonder why your friends are being non-committal at the moment. Well, maybe the answer I that they think the arrangements just don't work for them.

Which is fair enough.

Given the circumstances, YABU to be annoyed with your friends who aren't that bothered about travelling a fair distance just for an evening party and perhaps cannot commit to the entire day comprising of getting up early/driving to venue/attending ceremony/breakfast/early morning drinks/aimless wandering around in wedding gear for several hours/finding somewhere for lunch/getting ready for the evening in the ladies loos/more drinks/party/going home exhausted.

This is the day you want. it might not be the day your friends want to attend. They might just want to attend the ceremony and breakfast and then be home in time for lunch.

I have been reading all this thread and I think that you need to sort out the wedding you want, and let everyone else sort themselves out. And they will, if they are left alone to just get on with it, I think. People will make all the arrangments they need to.

and have a lovely day. :)

Honestly it sounds lovely. I'm sure you'll have a brilliant day and so will those who choose to come. However, it is so massively laid back and informal that there is clearly no onus on anyone to make any effort. So some people are choosing not to. You have to be ok with that.

Chuck if it may cheer you up I believe you are definitely not being unreasonable for wanting to organize your wedding the way you actually want it AND make it easy for your friends to attend!

Since when is planning a wedding all about entertaining guests? I thought the point was a couple you (presumably) care about getting married..

I agree with a pp, those who want to be a part of this important moment for you and DP will be there, ignore the rest who can but will not.

And fwiw, I think you have organized a pretty cool wedding - love the venue and the small circle at the ceremony + family catching up afternoon and party afterwards.

Do tell your "friends" that you are puzzled by their willingness to go to the spa when you specifically asked for a cheaper/simpler hen do and at the same time their unwillingness to make an effort for the actual wedding. Maybe some will see the light and make an effort?

My guess is that a couple people in that group cannot come/don't want to come and are influencing the rest of them. You know how it is always like when going for a group holiday for instance.

Hope you have a wonderful wedding day anyways!

I think KatieKaye has summed up what many of us have been saying.

I wish you a lovely wedding too, I think everyone does, but you need to now let of this 'my guests are being unreasonable' stuff about the wedding and the hen and see it for what it is - whether your friends have been honest with you about the real reason or not (this is why it was annoying that you drip fed the time of the ceremony - we were all giving advice based on the idea that your friends were being bafflingly unbothered about your wedding and even saying they are not your real friends!).

People haven't grumbled to your face but they certainly have behind your back or you wouldn't have met this almost universal lack of response, lack of enthusiasm or people citing 'costs' as an obstacle for not coming.

You want your wedding the way you want it - fine, but be a big girl and accept that that means some people will drop out of some or all of it.

You sound like a perfectly nice wedding host and I don't see anything wrong with your wedding.

How old are your friends? Actually or mentally. Are they more intrested in drunken nights out then 'boring old weddings'? Do they like your DFiance and approve of the marriage?

I think it's the 'apartment' that's putting everybody off.

I also think that you're being a bit prescriptive about what you expect other people to do if they're to be at your celebrations.

Did you speak to your friends beforehand? Before arranging the apartment? If not, why not? Can you still cancel it, because I would.

That £600 you're talking about, well half of that would cover something else, would it, some other nice event for your guests to enjoy? Or even help with transport for those who need it - to your wedding.

We are having a 8.30 am ceremony

Oh, well, that's absolutely ridiculous. I'm not surprised people don't want to come. Why aren't you getting married at a reasonable time of day, for god's sake?!

So you're expecting people to stay over the night before so they can get to your ludicrously early wedding on time, then hang around all day until the evening do, then stay over after that as well?

That's absolutely stupid. Bad planning and selfish on your part. I'm not surprised nobody wants to come. Who the hell wants to go to a wedding at 8.30 in the morning!!

Not really seeing the problem here, OP. You wanted a quiet ceremony and sounds like that's what you'll be getting. You want to mooch around during the afternoon with your new DH and sounds like that's what will happen.

You haven't really describd what the evening reception actually is? Have you hired a room somewhere? Is it a sit down meal? Are you paying for the food? Or is it just an informal group trip out to the nearest pub?

If it is just a night out with your friends paying for themselves I can understand why during the run up to Xmas they could be a bit reluctant. They will be thinking about the travel arrangement costs, buying the food/drinks, present etc etc and for many people the festive period is a busy and expensive time anyway with lots of people attending work xmas dos and having xmas shopping to pay for.

I'm sure you may have had a different response from them if you had laid on a minibus/coach as part of the invitation and if their food and (some) drinks were included in the price of the evening.

Op, you started this thread because you were unhappy that your friends wouldn't pay £80 for accommodation for your wedding but would pay £90 for a spa day.

To you it was all about the money and about how they prioritised spending on a spa day over your wedding - and you made it very clear you did expect them to stay the 2 nights- hence finding the apartments.

Don't you see that it isn't about the money- it's about the fact it will take up an entire weekend where they'll need to be up at the crack of dawn to attend the ceremony then entertain themselves all day in a very expensive city in order to attend the night do.

As others have said- it's your day and you are free to do exactly what you want but you have to accept that others are free to decline, especially as the timings of the day are so unusual.

It's not about not wanting to go to your wedding- I'm sure if you just lay on a bus for the night do they'd be happy to attend.

" Add message | Report | Message poster MustBeLoopy390 Sun 12-Apr-15 09:42:33
A wedding will ALWAYS be more expensive than the hen. not always at all! We did a joint hen and stag meal out at a chinese buffet that cost £10 a head"

you must have had a cheap wedding!

I think it sounds lovely OP.

A simple sunrise wedding for a few close friends. an evening reception for everyone. Options to stay over if you want to. Best wishes

Im being asked totally irrelevant questions now. Why did you book an appartment ect? I didn't, when did I say if booked it for them? I'm so confused how people are coming to these conclusions.

Lovely. Thanks Sabrina :) I've explained why in the thread, perhaps you'd like to read it?

Sorry but I agree the 8.30am ceremony is ludicrous. I know you say people are welcome to only come to the evening but then they probably feel that it isn't worth the effort and expense just for the evening.

And I've also explained I don't expect anyone to come to he ceremony, just those who INSISTED they come, I would expect those who can't make the ceremony to not use the excuse "we have no money" in regard to attending a wedding reception. But perhaps it's because the cba with travelling 45 mins for just a party. Which is fine. I'm beyond caring about any of it.