Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

423 replies

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:38

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night Hmm they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 12/04/2015 12:01

If you want a very private ceremony,that's your choice. I think it's all got complicated & not clear to people. Could you perhaps do a coach/mini bus in the evening,that'll cost less than the apartment won't it?

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 12/04/2015 12:01

OP, I think they are being ridiculous and I completely understand why you are hurt by this

Is it really all of them behaving like this? Seems a little odd to me that in a large group of grown ups that they are all being bizarre. And a 45 min drive is really nothing!

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 12:02

I didn't pay £50 a head for their food then £10 per guest on drinks tokens for them to bitch about what we had chosen for our day

You see Mustbeloopy this is why MN is so anti weddings! I'm not btw, but statements like this are so, so wrong. You are NOT doing your guests a favour by inviting them, they are choosing to share their time with you and celebrate your marriage, and it's revolting to think of your guests as price per heads!

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 12:04

And to add to that all you 'your day, your way hun' posters. That's fine but your guests therefore will very likely not enjoy the day, they won't say gushing things about it on Facebook or smile broadly in your precious wedding photos so think on't!!

Littlemonstersrule · 12/04/2015 12:06

Crystal cove, agree too. If it's only about the couple then there are no need for guests.

For me, a wedding is about the actual vows and the marriage. The party at night is just that, a party not a wedding as that's already taken place. We didn't do a two tier guest system and invited everyone we wanted to share the day with. Evening only guests sends the message that you aren't important enough to see the actual wedding but we want more gifts so will up the numbers in the evening.

MustBeLoopy390 · 12/04/2015 12:06

The reason I put the price per head is as much as we wanted to celebrate with people why should we have to pay so much for people to bitch about our choices?! Surely as a guest you should be grateful that the couple want you there? I know we have been when we have attended weddings

MokunMokun · 12/04/2015 12:10

It looks beautiful!

Just do the wedding as you want otherwise you will regret it. If you'd rather have a dinner for your hen than a spa then do that too.

Are your friends a bit sheep-like? Perhaps one friend said she didn't fancy it so they all followed suit?

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 12:10

Why grateful Loopy?

Isn't this about genuine friendship and joy about a marriage and not thinking 'wow thanks for inviting me to drink free wine and eat cake'?

Also, I wouldn't dream of bitching about the odd detail or something I would personally have done differently at a wedding.

But an 8.30am wedding ceremony and 10 hours of hanging about in November from 9am to 7pm for a reception (plus the possible misconception that the bride was pushing me to pay for a two night stay for the 'privilege' of that)? Come on!

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 12/04/2015 12:10

I must live in a different world where a 45 min drive is the other side of the world...

If I was a guest with financial constraints or logistical issues (children, pets) I would go to the wedding, driving there that morning. I might even go on my own. Shock

I'd then drive home, have my normal Saturday then go back in the evening for the party. Sharing a mini bus there and back between 16 people will be fairly cheap.

Ie I'd think of them as two separate events, as it's only 45 mins drive away

Bambambini · 12/04/2015 12:12

Now you've explained, I be happy to join you. Sounds lovely actually. An intimate amazing location, a day to spend in Bath and a party at night. I'd love it.

Can see why others wouldn't though. Just have your intimate ceremony and invite others to party at night - maybe arrange a bus.

Sounds gorgeous.

BackOnPlanetEarth · 12/04/2015 12:12

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket

No, we really DO want them there for the reception. We just didn't want a huge group of people watching is get married.

Do you think your friends know this and actually think they are respecting your wishes by not going. If in the past you have said that you don't like big weddings and that you would like a private intimate wedding then you can't be suprised if your friends are not 'bothered' about coming.

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 12:13

In fact Loopy if you're talking in terms of gratitude and honour when invited to a wedding, I'd actually feel insulted and offended that the bride and groom would have me up at 5am to get ready for an 8.30am ceremony and expect me to hang about til 7pm for the reception!

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 12:13

I'm not upset that they aren't coming to the wedding I'm upset they they say the can't come to the evening because they can't afford it. I thought I made that clear. Oh my. I talked to them about the possibility of driving home after and car sharing and only 1 friend is planning on doing that.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 12/04/2015 12:18

It's 7 months off...

Littlemonstersrule · 12/04/2015 12:20

I think the cost thing is just being used as an excuse, there are a whole host of things planned that don't suit people so easier to blame it on cost than be honest and say the day is too long, too cold and too boring. It's been made quite clear guests aren't really welcome at the ceremony.

Are you wholly funding the night including drinks and instead of paying the £600 room deposit could fund a minibus instead?

Bambambini · 12/04/2015 12:22

If they can't come to the evening do because they can't afford it but will splash out on a spa day - then they are way off. I would arrange a bus for guests though - there and back.

Quitelikely · 12/04/2015 12:23

putting on a minibus to the evening reception is the best idea.

IF they are friends then they can't grumble about it really.

honeyroar · 12/04/2015 12:24

I find it really curious that some people think of themselves as B list or unwanted guests when only invited to the evening do. It never crosses my mind. I see being an evening guest as "I don't know you as well but would still love you to come". We have a couple of friends getting married this year and expect we will only be invited to the evening, we don't see them that often but still like them! We only had. 25 day guests at our wedding and 200 at night, I don't think many declined at all.

OP I would look into organising a coach/minibus for your friends to and from the evening do rather than minibuses. Take the morning do out of it completely for them. Make it simply a night out for them. If they still refuse I would tell them that you're a bit disappointed that they're not coming to the evening. Tell them you're trying to find ways of making it cheap and easy for them, perhaps suggest having a cheaper hen do to them as a way of saving them money so they can come..

KatieKaye · 12/04/2015 12:28

Look at it this way: you are having the wedding you want.
Your friends would probably have liked to see you actually get married, but the arrangements you have chosen do not work for most people - the early morning ceremony and then 10 hours of nothing, followed by a party.
So, your friends are probably thinking "I either pay for 2 nights accommodation (big expense in the run-up to Christmas) or I get up really early Saturday morning to get ready and then drive over. And then I'll probably be peckish, and ready for something after the early start. And then factor in lunch and evening meals, plus any expenses of doing stuff during the day. That is an awful lot of money."
Plus there are all the logistics for guests who are not staying at the venue but are at the ceremony - the type of outfit I would wear for a wedding is not the sort of outfit I would wear to trot around Bath all day in November. SO where do those people change and leave their wedding clothes? Plus, I'd want a shower before attending the evening do. Lots of issues there.

I am not criticising your wedding choices at all just pointing out how guests may perceive them as being very awkward indeed and not really the sort of day many would enjoy. You have planned your day around what you want, but guests are normally an important part of a wedding and some consideration should be given to them in the same way as you' make sure there was a vegetarian option available.Perhaps that is why your friends are reluctant to make the effort to come to what is essentially just a party in the evening? because they perceive your arrangements indicate you don't actually care about your guests at all and have gone out of your way to make things incredibly difficult and/or expensive for them?

Have the hen night of your choice. Send out the invites to your friends and then take their acceptances or regrets with good grace. I would much rather see a good friend actually get married than go to the evening reception, which is really just an over-priced party.

fatlazymummy · 12/04/2015 12:33

OP I think the sunrise wedding sounds beautiful.
I saw a morning wedding on '4 weddings USA' and what they did was have their reception straight after the wedding, so it was a breakfast type thing, rather your usual sit down dinner and disco reception. After that the bride and groom left to go on their honeymoon. They did have quite a few guests so it can't have been that unusual.
I think you might have gone a bit wrong in seperating the wedding and the reception out so much. Personally I'd have kept the wedding very small and intimate, and had a short brunch type reception afterwards. Guests could decide for themselves if they wanted to drive up on the morning, or stay the night before. As far as the evening reception goes, I'd have that on another day, and just make it a party (though I personally wouldn't have bothered with that bit).

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 12:39

We're doing the breakfast for the ceremony guess after the ceremony. They'd have been fed at 11 and then again at 7 maybe a snack inbetween?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 12:43

It's saddening that people think I've had no regard for my guests. I just wanted a small family wedding, followed by breakfast. I thought everyone could go for drinks afterwards and maybe go for lunch. Go back to hotels/accompdation and have to chill time to recharge for the evening.
I thought those who didn't want to come to the ceremony just wouldn't but I didn't think it would make those people not want to come to the reception? Because I've been so selfish to have a wedding at a time too early for them?
Lots of people are coming to both and haven't grumbled

OP posts:
OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 12/04/2015 12:52

I'm confused now. You didn't really want them at the ceremony, only at the evening do? So why not just invite them to the evening do?

Have to say I wouldn't expect to be left to my own devices for 8 hours between ceremony and evening do, and it'd put me off unless you were a really, really close friend for me to indulge you ??

fatlazymummy · 12/04/2015 12:55

chuckit I wouldn't worry about it. Just try and enjoy it with the guests who are there.
If I was invited as a friend I'd probably just go to the evening bit, and I would be happy with that.
I think a lot of people can't get their heads around the idea of a wedding at 8.30 in the morning. It is unusual, but it's what you want so that's fine.

BlueBananas · 12/04/2015 12:56

OP you may think loads of people haven't grumbled, but I can guarantee you they just haven't done it to your face