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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

423 replies

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:38

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night Hmm they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 12/04/2015 11:32

Sorry you are getting upset. I wouldn't bother going either I'm afraid. I wouldn't spend lots of money staying somewhere for a wedding if there wasn't a bit of a do. I'd go to the evening & not stay. I don't think your friends are unreasonable now.

MadameJulienBaptiste · 12/04/2015 11:35

Let me see if I've got this right

You are complaining that people are saying they can't afford to come to the wedding because to see the actual ceremony means either a stupendously early start, or staying over which incurs a min 2 night stay.
you say they are not obligated to come to the morning ceremony but are finding them cheaper accommodation where 16 people are all sharing and they'll have to fight for bathrooms at 5am self cater.
even if they fork out for accommodation or drive from home at sparrows far o'clock, they aren't invited to the reception as that's for close friends and family only.
so all that expense/early start to basically put bums on seats at the ceremony but they're not close enough to come to the reception.
so these b list friends (cos that's how this will make them feel) have 10 hours to either get changed, go home, back to accommodate etc before returning for the evening do?

Can you honestly not see how totally crap this is for them and why they'd just rather have a spa day?

MidniteScribbler · 12/04/2015 11:36

Midnite not everyone can afford to have the full list of people at the ceremony, so I find it quite sad you feel like that.

You can if you plan your event based on what you can afford. If you can't afford to invite all the people you want to the whole event, then you need to plan a different event.

JeanSeberg · 12/04/2015 11:37

What's the question here exactly? You're happy with the plan, your family are attending and some of your partner's friends are. You've said you respect anyone else's choice to not attend. Your friends don't want to attend but want to share your hen party.

Where's the problem?

Zampa · 12/04/2015 11:37

OP - it's YOUR wedding.

Do exactly what you want, when you want. Send the invitations and let people make their own decisions. The people that matter will be there.

Have a wonderful day and don't let anyone spoil it for you.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 12/04/2015 11:38

Op it sounds like this has all become a bit muddled and is understandably stressing you out. Have you said to your friends quite clearly that they are not expected to attend the morning, that they could just come for the evening and not stay over so there would no accommodation costs at all? If you have told them that and they still say they can't afford to come then I think they are bing unreasonable.
However if they don't realise that's an option so think they have to stay for two nights and entertain themselves all day then I think they are not being unreasonable to say no.

annielouisa · 12/04/2015 11:39

This is going to sound very silly and it isn't meant like but if you did not want people to come in the first place why are you so upset that they are not coming?

I would just say the service is private and invite folks to the evening if no one else has attended the ceremony there is no A and B list.

MustBeLoopy390 · 12/04/2015 11:40

Midnite, I certaintly hope none of our guests felt that way, as the event we wanted was what we got. Surely it's about the couple rather than the guests?
In my experience OP you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Ignore guestzillas and have a nice day

Glastokitty · 12/04/2015 11:41

Wow. An 830 wedding! And then everyone is supposed to piss off for the day so you have US time? Just Nope.

SinglePringle · 12/04/2015 11:41

Ahhh. I get it.

You & DP booked sunrise wedding as wanted it to be just you for the day followed by party in the evening

Everyone kicked off - they wanted to see you get married. You extended the invitations and told them all you plans for the day, saying 'come or not - we won't be offended if you just want to come to the party'

This early ceremony meant they had to stay over - plus, due to a conference in the same town, all hotels are saying it's a minimum two night stay (pricey).

You found a cheaper apartment for all 16 guests. But - understandably - they don't want to share on that scale and so have declined the wedding invitation that they clamoured for in the first place.

However, they all still want to attend your hen.

Higgle · 12/04/2015 11:41

I googled - is it a poolside wedding at the Roman Baths in Bath? Wow I'd give anything to go to one of those!

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 11:43

We've done the morning ceremony as its what we wanted. Everyone said they want to come to the ceremony so we've let those who wish to come to come. It was meant to be and DP only at the ceremony to have the day alone and then celebrate with everyone on the evening.
I've told my friends I completely understand if they can't make the ceremony but expected they'd be able to make the evening. But apparently they can't even afford that and won't drive back because of drinking etc.
If I'm selfish for wanting an early wedding with minimal guests and a big reception where everyone's welcome then so be it.
Most people who have decided to come to the ceremony can't wait and have special family time planned in a beautiful town with lots of festive fun going on for free and are making the most out of it and have planned lots of lovely things already.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 11:45

single pringle
Exactly that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 11:46

higgle yes it is

OP posts:
SinglePringle · 12/04/2015 11:51

To be honest, no one is being unreasonable.

You did what people asked / they've declined once true state of play disclosed.

I'd be posse off if I were you. And I'd probably only attend the party if I were a guest but it would feel like you didn't really want us all there an were only having the party through gritted teeth. Nasty taste all round...

What your guests really want you to do is change the time of the wedding so that they can attend without the coat implications / day spent hanging around waiting.

SinglePringle · 12/04/2015 11:52

*cost not coat! Although there will be coat implications if one is hanging around all day in November!

CrystalCove · 12/04/2015 11:52

surely it's about the couple rather than the guests

Well why bother having any guests if you think like that Loopy? Personally I wanted all my friends and family at my wedding and took their needs into consideration to.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 11:53

No, we really DO want them there for the reception. We just didn't want a huge group of people watching is get married. It's not our kind of thing. But would love to celebrate wth everyone. Hey ho. What a ridiculous wedding we've clearly planned Blush

OP posts:
ThatIsNachoCheese · 12/04/2015 11:54

SinglePringle has it!
Op YANBU, I would be sad too. It clearly isn't about the cost for your friends, but they are saying it is as it's easier.
I would accept that the timings don't work for them, but say you would rather have just a meal for your hen.
Give them details of minibus to book for evening do and leave them to sort it.
And, fwiw, it's YOUR wedding and you can have it when you damn well want. You originally didn't want anyone there so it doesn't matter that your friends don't want to come.
They probably just need to be a bit more honest with you.

Justusemyname · 12/04/2015 11:57

You should have stuck to what you wanted then you wouldn't be upset that people aren't doing what you are demanding of them. It is demanding as you say you didn't want them there and are now annoyed they aren't coming as you ask.

Start again. Wedding as you want then everyone just comes to the evening do.

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 11:58

Ok you should have stuck to your guns then, it only being you and dp rather than the situation you find yourself in now.

Or if you didn't feel able to stick to your guns, you really should have changed the time or venue.

I think all you can do to rescue this is to very very clearly spell out that you are happy for guests to just come to the evening, not stay the weekend, not rent the apartment. And maybe acknowledge (again?) that you realise 8.30 is avery early ceremony so you understand if it's not workable. Just a clear, friendly email to everyone.

Your friends have all clearly been talking and finding the whole thing an awful faff and something to dread and not look forward to.

MustBeLoopy390 · 12/04/2015 11:59

We wanted to celebrate our marriage with our extended family and friends but considering dh is quite shy and an introvert a close family only ceremony was what we felt comfortable with (plus it was £2000 cheaper to have 25 people rather than 80 for the day ceremony and small meal!) We considered everyone's needs in time of reception, our venue, food etc but to us it was our choice, not our guests. Many of them had their own wedding days, their own way. Why should anyone dictate what your wedding should be or even debate not coming because they couldn't have their way and if I had found out any evening guests had felt like that then they would have been told to piss off! I didn't pay £50 a head for their food then £10 per guest on drinks tokens for them to bitch about what we had chosen for our day.

FishWithABicycle · 12/04/2015 11:59

Ok sorry I'm changing my previous YANBU to a YABU. You have actually made it clear you didn't actually want people to be there. No one really wants to be knocking around "doing their own thing" in their best wedding clothes for 10 hours. It's your wedding and if a "sunrise" ceremony and 10 hours alone with your DH is what you want then that is absolutely what you should have. You live in a culture where newly-weds spend the rest of the day after the ceremony, and into the evening celebrating with their nearest and dearest and those not-particularly-near-or-dear can optionally join in if they fancy it for the last few hours. It's entirely your right to choose not to fit in with that but people will hear "do your own thing between the ceremony and 7pm" as "you are not that near or dear to me, no need to come if you don't fancy it". So I don't think your friends who have declined to come are being that unreasonable actually - after all it is an invitation not a summons as they say. And I don't blame them for wanting to take an opportunity to make a celebration they do feel welcome at. Perhaps have the quiet hen night you wanted, but plan a proper party for those who couldn't make the wedding a few weeks later after the Christmas rush has died down.

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 12:00

Crystalcove agree. For us it was all about the guests, not us (though that decision was for us too as we wanted to make sure everyone wildly enjoyed themselves and said it was a great wedding afterwards so not totally altruistic!)

BackOnPlanetEarth · 12/04/2015 12:01

OP, If you look at it another way this thread should be making you feel better. Hopefully, you can now see that its not that your friends simply can't be bothered and don't care about you and that it's more a case that the timings and the location don't work out well for a lot of people.

The sunrise wedding looks fantastic and you will have your family there along with, I imagine, a couple of friends. I think you should try to go with the flow a little more and just accept that not everyone will come. The fact that your friends are keen to get together for your hen night shows that they want to celebrate with you and that they do like you.

Are you going to have a wedding breakfast at the Baths - it looks good.

If I were one of your friends Id want to come to the wedding but not the evening do.

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