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AIBU?

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Original poster

to be a little miffed ? Wedding/hen night related!

423 replies

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 07:38

I have a lot of friends who told me they can't make my weddinf as the hotel etc is too expensive. That's fine and I totally understand. I did however offer to pay a deposit for a appartment that they could all share (sleeps 16) and it would only cost them £80 each for the entire weekend thus making it a lot cheaper. People didn't really respond and didn't seem that fussed about coming if I'm honest. Also fine! Totally up to them.
But these friends are now asking about my hen night Hmm they are all happy to pay £90 for a spa day! To be honest I sort of assumed those who couldn't afford to come to my wedding couldn't afford a spa day, it's A) £10 more expensive and B)one day rather than an entire weekend away yet they "can't afford to come to my wedding".
I was just going to suggest a meal out for those who didn't have the money for the wedding, somewhere reasonable & maybe a few drinks.
I'm actually pretty hurt, basically they'll pay for a day at a spa and a night out but not to come to my wedding? Should I just suck it up and enjoy my hen night/spa they wanted to do (I did say I didn't want an over the top typical hen do but a spa, some lunch and a night out would be nice) but id honestly rather have them at my wedding...

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 12/04/2015 15:35

would people really not travel 45mins to attend say a fiftieth birthday party? of a close friend. how sad.

KatieKaye · 12/04/2015 15:38

Okay, more confusion now.
Are you inviting them to a wedding reception, ie a meal with speeches and toasts and then dancing, or to an evening party with snacks and dancing? Because a wedding reception us normally the former while the latter is usually called an evening reception invite.
An invite to a wedding is for the ceremony and the full reception, being meal and evening dancing. Maybe the muddle is because you don't seem to be clear about pretty well established conventions.

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 15:40

I'd travel way more than 45 mins to an event of a close friend or relly.

But I think OP the fact so many people are dropping out of the whole thing MUST either be confusion over the day - that they felt pressured to stay the weekend, go to to the crack-of-dawn ceremony, hire the apartment, or something else to do with the plans - no matter what you say on here something is putting them off!

I accept you booked the 8.30 ceremony just for close family and then others wanted to come. But there is something else stopping evening guests from coming.

What exactly is the evening do and what costs are involved for guests?

Happyringo · 12/04/2015 15:41

Sounds like it's all the fault of some pretty rude people who kicked off when they didn't like the idea of the ceremony being just you and dp.

I think your mistake op has been trying to please everyone and somehow ending up not pleasing anyone.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/04/2015 15:42

They know if they wanted to come to the whole day beys have to pay for two nights due to ALL accompdation insisting upon this, this is why I have offered to pay the deposit for them, saving them £600 as a group...

You said that, OP.

Sorry for interrupting your thread with irrelevant questions. Maybe best to keep thoughts in your head rather than putting them on a forum if you don't want people to respond to your rather confusing and complicated wedding issues.

CrystalCove · 12/04/2015 15:48

No-ones been nasty at all OP, just pointing out reasons why your friends may not be falling over themselves to attend. Have your wedding the way you want it - that's your choice. But you do seem to be coming across as a bit stroppy here, whether you mean to or not.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 15:53

But I never said I'd booked it??? I said that if the wanted to come to the whole celebration ie morning and evening they'd need two nights accompdation which they would Hmm

OP posts:
derxa · 12/04/2015 15:54

Your wedding sounds unusual but I would go in a heartbeat - I love weddings of any description. Your friends sound like a bitchy clique who have no interest in you at all. They've got together and decided what they want.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 15:55

In reference to
Did you speak to your friends beforehand? Before arranging the apartment? If not, why not? Can you still cancel it, because I would.
They know it was just an option and suggestion. I spoke to them once and when they didn't seem thrilled left it.

OP posts:
Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 15:55

Ok then OP, honestly, what is your explanation for the guests saying they can't afford the wedding (and yet they can afford the spa day)?

Honest, straightforward question - why DO you think they are backing out?

Ginmartini · 12/04/2015 15:56

(Because you don't seem to accept the idea that they don't like the idea of the wedding yet you don't accept they can't afford it...)

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 12/04/2015 15:56

What about a coach just for to and from the evening do?

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 15:59

Maybe they felt pressured to stay the whole weekend which is obviously from me somehow. Perhaps mentioning the appartment after my friend said about hotel prices. I don't know. I did speak to two of my friends ie hiring a mini bus so they literally just brought themselves, no need to spend anything.
The evening reception is canapés/champagne, followed by a substantial buffet and wine and cheese for the late evening. With a band and dancing the whole lot.
Not asking people to sit on a bus for 45 mins for canapés and s glass of prosecco.
When I mentioned the mini bus I got almost no reaction. They obviously just don't want to come but why use money as a reason and then harp on about a hen do I don't want.
Probably my fault somewhere along the line

OP posts:
itosh · 12/04/2015 16:00

I am getting married this Summer so can understand your despair. I also understand that people pointing out how shitty your friends are if anything makes you feel worse as you don't want to fall out with everyone and have no one left!

Some of my guests are staying at an expensive hotel, some are staying at the travelodge down the road and some are driving home. My location is an hour away from some, and further for others.. no one isn't coming due to distance. (Though I have had my own hurdles don't get me wrong)

Maybe just send everyone a message outlining the different options with the whole "looking forward to spending our magical day with you all" etc etc.

What is so important to us getting married.. isn't others priority which makes organising and finalising details so hard!

GOOD LUCK

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 12/04/2015 16:03

"I would rather you saved your money and came to my wedding instead of having a big hen do. I am booking a mini bus for anyone wanting to come along to the evening do so it won't cost you anything to attend my wedding which is the bit that's most important to me."

Say that.

firesidechat · 12/04/2015 16:03

But I never said I'd booked it??? I said that if the wanted to come to the whole celebration ie morning and evening they'd need two nights accompdation which they would hmm

You are making a bit of an assumption there op. Perhaps what you should say is " if you are planning to stay over then you need two nights accommodation". You can't tell your guests what they should do. For a wedding 45 minutes away I wouldn't need to stay over and would rather drive and go home to my own bed and also save myself some money. I would be making the decision about whether I fancied an early start, wait around for 10 hours and have a designated driver for the evening. But then I'm a bit of a stroppy bag and like to make up my own mind. It would appear that your friends are of a similar type.

Rafflesway · 12/04/2015 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/04/2015 16:08

They obv just can't be bothered because i don't mean enough to them for them to sit on a free mini bus for 45 minutes for a pointless drinks reception and party etc but would rather like a spa day with the girls and a night out on the piss.
None of them are settled down, all early to mid twenties and at a totally different stage in life and weddings aren't on their list of priorities.

OP posts:
itosh · 12/04/2015 16:11

Also there is the point that…. many people are selfish twits

KatieKaye · 12/04/2015 16:13

I said that if the wanted to come to the whole celebration ie morning and evening they'd need two nights accompdation which they would

No, they would NOT.
You cannot dictate to people in that manner. You tell the start and finish times, the gap between ceremony and party and let them make their own decisions as to whether or not they require one, two or no nights accommodation.

You say the venue is 45 minutes drive away. That does not mean your friends have to book accommodation, even if that is what you want them to do. It is perfectly possible to drive and arrive before 8.30 and leave sometime before midnight and drive home again, although it is of course an incredibly long day just for a wedding.

firesidechat · 12/04/2015 16:17

But the wedding you had sounds quite different to what the op describes.

You say you had a late wedding, so that the gap between ceremony and the evening reception. The op has a 10 hour gap.

Did your colleages have to travel for 3 hours to attend your wedding? 4 journeys X 45 minutes.

We got married in the 80's and hardly anyone had an evening reception, but I suppose that may have been the circles we moved in.

I would go to a ceremony and evening reception if I lived close by, but we have recently decided that we wouldn't travel long distances for those any more. We have driven for 4 hours for evening receptions and did feel a bit like a B lister on those occasions. Arriving in the middle of the speeches (speeches always over run into the evening reception times) and joining a large group of slightly drunk wedding guests feels awkward and uncomfortable.

derxa · 12/04/2015 16:18

Rattles This is a generational thing. I never heard of people turning down wedding invites unless there was a very good reason. OP You have bent over backwards to accommodate people and they have laughed in your face. Please accept that after your wedding you may never see or hear of these silly twats again. It's tough but that's the reality.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/04/2015 16:18

Look, an 0830 wedding at a venue 45 minutes away means leaving the house not later than 0730 giving just 15 minutes wiggle room. In reality, they'd leave at 0700. That means getting up to get dressed anywhere from 0500, 0600 at the latest.

If they don't drive, that means building more time in due to where a mini bus might meet them.

Whether they're settled down or not, such an early start is a big ask - and an even bigger ask for a hotel stay for two nights.

They wanted to spend a spa day with you, seems a traditional thing for hen-do's. I would read into that that they want to celebrate with you, just can't face the early start of your wedding... it IS and early start and that is what you want. You don't want the spa day... so you're all in stalemate.

Why not speak to your friends together and see what the real issue is. There's plenty of time between then and now to sort something out.

Rafflesway · 12/04/2015 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/04/2015 16:20

Not attending a wedding doesn't make you a twit or a twat. What a horrible way to talk about friends.

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