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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu - holiday childcare?

167 replies

AnnField · 11/04/2015 09:56

DD is 14. Her dad and his parents have her every weekend and around half of all school holidays. Her dad has said he can't take any time off during July or August this year but will take DD every weekend as usual and speak to his parents about having her a day or two each week. I think if he can't do it his girlfriend should take leave and look after DD as DD is bored during the holidays at my house. AIBU?

OP posts:

Spotifymuse · 11/04/2015 18:44

I didn't read the rest of your post after your vile personal attack Nonamedame

NoNameDame · 11/04/2015 18:49

Haha well have a read of it. You might learn something!

Mainly that you're wrong

Spotifymuse · 11/04/2015 19:19

Thanks MNHQ

NoNameDame · 11/04/2015 19:22

spotify I think near enough everyone on here can see that you are ......wrong. You sound very bitter.

Parents have a responsibility to arrange child are in holidays. Ideally this should be split equally - who has a penis and who has a vagina shouldn't come in to it.

The dad has arranged that he will provide (either himself or through his parents) child are for at least 50% of the time. It sounds like the mum has her slightly less than 50% of the time and is trying to lower this still.

Parents then have a responsibility to provide some flexibility in case of child are emergencies. Whilst the mum would like the dad to pre-commit to extra hours he and the op and most other sensible people feel that the daughter may be able to spend a few hours looking after herself.

The dad hasn't said he won't take time off in an emergency he has said he can't at this point agree to take any time off work / commit to more days childcare. He sounds like a sensible parent and I imagine that should there be an emergency he will step up to do more than he has already agreed to.

NoNameDame · 11/04/2015 19:25

Rephrased for you now spotify - wonder if there's anything you can find wrong in my new statement

VikingVolva · 11/04/2015 19:52

So, there are two parents, each working 5 days per week (not overlapping)

Each has DD their two non working days. Leaving 3 days to be covered.

Father is making arrangement for (usually) 2 of those days.

Leaving mother to arrange cover for one (occasionally 2).

I don't see how that can come in as him covering less than half the holidays. Especially as he has that much (or more) in the other holidays when he can take time off work.

Morloth · 11/04/2015 21:39

But she is 14.

Can't she just have keys to both homes, everyone' contact numbers, a bit of pocket money and be left to her own devices mostly?

I know I would have been mortified if my parents had been organizing childcare for me at that age, come to think of it I was providing childcare at that age...

Stealthpolarbear · 12/04/2015 07:49

Viking my understanding is that for the 39 term time weeks he only has her weekends. and so to balance this the agreement was that in the holidays he'd have her half the week, as well as his usual weekend.

kent43 · 12/04/2015 08:01

Assuming that is the case stealth I assume she doesn't receive much maintainance.

RebootYourEngine · 12/04/2015 09:53

OP said that dsd lives with her mum & grandparents. Why are they not looking after her then? Why is it down to her dad, dads parents & her dads girlfriend?

I think your DP has done enough & dsds mum should sort out any other arrangements needed.

LotusLight · 12/04/2015 10:16

There is no legal duty for either parent after divorce to have the children. My children's father chooses that the children are with me 365 nights a year even though I work full time (and he pays nothing) and even though he has all summer off (private school teacher 8 weeks off etc).

Original poster

AnnField · 12/04/2015 11:09

Some really interesting perspectives on this thread.

DP and DSD have never lived together in a traditional family arrangement as the split with the ex happened when DSD was a baby. He's not perfect by any means but he does spend the majority of his non working time with DSD including most of his annual leave. He also pays maintenance and half of all school uniforms, trips etc as he should!

DSD doesn't have a key to either home at present. Whilst giving her a key to ours is definitely an option, we can both be out until 9pm some nights so we'd need to know in advance if DSD was going to be there just so we could make sure there was food in, that someone checked up on her and that one of us was home at a reasonable hour to feed her and sort out which house she was staying in and clean clothes etc.

She would be fine being left on her own all day. I think both of her parents should be encouraging her to be a little more independent on the few occasions this will happen by arranging stuff with her friends or finding other things to keep herself entertained. Both houses are on excellent public transport routes and we live in a major city so she's definitely not stuck in either house.

OP posts:

NeedABumChange · 12/04/2015 12:14

No one needs to take leave to look after a 14 yo!

It's the holidays she should have a key and do her own thing. How odd that some people treat their 14year olds as babies.

Morloth · 12/04/2015 23:09

Keys, cash, mobile phone and being welcome in both homes is fine.

My 10 year old is angling for no holiday club this year so he can do what he wants. I think a 14 year old should be able to handle it.

nemo81 · 13/04/2015 08:57

I couldn't wait to spend the summer holidays at home alone at 14 while my parents worked. I did as i pleased, had my mates round or went to theirs, watched what i wanted on TV and ate crap she doesn't need babysitting.

loveareadingthanks · 13/04/2015 12:01

It's a bit odd for a 14 year not to have a key to their homes. Both.

IF it were a younger child who really needed care/supervision, then I'd say your DP is being unreasonable. It's the responsibility of both parents but the Mum's usually get the hard work here. I had to have a serious word with my ex about this.

But for a 14 year old? So she gets bored. That's her problem. She should have a key so she can go and see her friends, have friends round, go out with them. They should be much more independent at that age.

By the time my son was 14 our holiday 'childcare' was an instruction not to burn the house down and be home at X o'clock. He spent the days mooching about at home, having mates round for marathon gaming sessions, going to their houses, or going out with them. Plus some chores, thank you very much.

muminhants · 13/04/2015 12:17

I work from home, so don't need to organise childcare during the holidays except for my office days when my husband takes AL.

My son is 12.5 and I can't imagine leaving him all day on my office-based days in 18 months' time. But I guess they might grow up a lot between 12 and 14.

My parents had the kind of jobs where they were in and out, but I'm sure they wouldn't have left me on my own all day at 14. My son would probably be ok except for playing cricket in the house given half a chance but I'd not be keen.

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