Aibu - holiday childcare?

[AnnField]

DD is 14. Her dad and his parents have her every weekend and around half of all school holidays. Her dad has said he can't take any time off during July or August this year but will take DD every weekend as usual and speak to his parents about having her a day or two each week. I think if he can't do it his girlfriend should take leave and look after DD as DD is bored during the holidays at my house. AIBU?

It's the father's parents, for 'one or two' days each week.

So there will be one or two days each week when the mother is working for which the father has not arranged cover.

Some sort of sport/activity might put a reasonable bite into that (but depends on what's available locally) as would going to a mate's for the day (and having one or more round in return, on a day which is covered on current arrangements).

I feel really sad for the 14yo girl. Everyone around her is arguing about who has to look after her. Like she will really feel wanted. :(

Sorry for confusing everyone!

DP will have his DD Friday evening to Sunday evening. His mum will have her DGD for some time each week.

This will be flexible - for example DSD has been off school since 3rd April, so 9 days including today. She's spent 5 full days and one evening with me and DP, staying here for 4 of those nights (including tonight). She's spent 2 full days with MiL and stayed there 3 nights and the rest of her time has been spent at her mum's. This is less than usual as she wanted to stay with mum last night.

DP wants to spend time with his daughter and does when he can.

But for the 8 weeks of the summer holidays, apart from the odd day with her grandmother, your DH is refusing to provide any other care on weekdays ?

And yes Sallyingforth it's always the kids who suffer in the midst of the shitstorms.

Yes, it does seem one parent is trying to lower the time she is there.

The father and his extended family is having her for 4 days a week. The mother has three, and is seeking to reduce that.

It will be more than the odd day though. It will be at least 1 day per week but more likely 2/3 as it was this week. And if DSD is with MiL we spend time with her after work too. It defintely works out to at least 50% of the time.

I don't understand how this is DP refusing to provide care for his daughter. Who is 14 and doesn't actually need 24/7 supervision. And if DSD was interested in any sport/holiday club type activity we'd happily facilitate this but she isn't, we've asked.

I do feel sad for DSD. If I were able to get time off in August at this stage, which I doubt I would, I can't imagine spending time with me would be her preferred choice anyway!

This situation has not and will not be discussed in front of her by us so I'd hope she knows nothing about it.

Well now I have the story, who is who and the facts straight in my head , I agree with you. Ignore the ex saying you "should".

And I'm both a SM and RP so have looked at it with both hats on.

I wonder if I get the "I stand corrected" prize for a u turn of opinion in the shortest time on a AIBU thread .

But for the 8 weeks of the summer holidays, apart from the odd day with her grandmother, your DH is refusing to provide any other care on weekdays ?

Spotify, I'm finding it really hard to understand your position on this. Surely it's irrelevant to focus only on Monday to Friday, because the child's mother works weekends and has time off during the week?

The father's family is covering 3-4 days per week - that is 50% of the week overall. You feel that he should be doing more, which would mean covering more than 50% and the mother doing less than 50%. Why don't you think that the mother should have equal responsibility to care for her child?

I wonder if I get the "I stand corrected" prize for a u turn of opinion in the shortest time on a AIBU thread

I really respect people when they're honest enough to say they've got things wrong!

I feel a bit sad for the 14 year old too.

OP your OP said her dad would "speak to his parents about having her 1-2 days pw". You're now saying they wil definitely be having her every week, most likely 2-3 weekdays. There is a world of difference between the 2.

So say mum is working Monday and Tuesday. But grandma can't cover those days because she has a hospital appointment/bingo/mayors tea dance. And that's the end of it. Dad refuses to take any annual leave so mum is the one who always has to find alternatives . And lol at the wilful ignoring of the fact that granny might in reality only do 1 day a week.

OK spotify, but if plans fell apart at the last minute, then surely the child is 14 and could be left for a couple of hours while granny went to the hospital, no? And bingo/tea dances are not relevant because granny has already made the commitment.

I'm still really puzzled as to how much you think the mum should cover?

At the moment, the father is covering 2 days at the weekend while mum is at work and he is off, and a further 1-2 days during the week through his mum. If the mum covers 2 days during the week while Dad is at work and she is off, and a further1-2 days during the week (which could include maternal grandparents if they are willing), then surely that's fair?

If not, how many days in the week do you think would be reasonable?

Thank you Kampeki .

I don't see what you have achieved with a "reverse AIBU" that you couldn't have discovered by just, you know, asking the question.

Given the pasting that stepparents generally get on here (which has been aptly demonstrated by the change in tone since the reverse was revealed on this thread) I don't blame her. When you do 'what parents are supposed to do' you're overstepping the line, when you don't 'you clearly don't like the children'. I wish there was a magic way of finding out exactly what the right balance is!

Amateur he did say would speak to but this has been the arrangement with his parents for a long time so it's very unlikely to change unless something drastic happens. I think the speaking to his parents comment came after he'd been told I should take leave so I think the situation is still that we don't have DSD enough and should have her more.

It's occurred to me that maybe DSD's mum wants to go on holiday or something. If this were the case we'd be able to juggle things round to do it as we can both manage the odd day of leave and even if she had to be left home alone for a day we'd be able to get someone to pop in and check on her but entire weeks are just not feasible.

Zadkiel thank you for the u turn. And thank you to everyone else who has responded. I'm sure I'll be starting a how to entertain bored teenagers in the school holidays thread at some point!

Does she need child care at 14? What is a 'reverse' by the way? I keep seeing it.

Kampeki I think that's the gap between "I'll ask my parents if they can have her 1-2 days, but if they can't it's your problem" and "my parents have fully committed to covering 2 days per week all summer, to fit round your shifts,". The former is less than 50%, the latter is more.

Sorry, x-posted.

You may be right about the holiday Ann.

I think that everyone needs to sit down and work out what days they are able to have dd so ie pencil in the dads ad mums days off, then add in the days grandparents will be responsible for her etc. then if there is a day or two not covered it may be nice for you to volunteer to tKe a days leave and do something with her.
At 14 I would honk most girls would want to meet friends, cinema etc etc and be more than capable of entertaining themselves but at that age it would still be nice for them
To have someone around to keep track of them, reminds me to eat, chat to etc

Kampeki I think that's the gap between "I'll ask my parents if they can have her 1-2 days, but if they can't it's your problem" and "my parents have fully committed to covering 2 days per week all summer, to fit round your shifts,". The former is less than 50%, the latter is more.

I would agree with this if the child was younger - of course it would be the father's responsibility to cover "his" days, and it sounds like he has done his fair share of holiday childcare in previous years.

But the child is 14! Surely an NT 14yo can spend the odd day on her own during the holiday if there are occasions when granny can't help?

Seems to me that there is a mismatch between the dad, who thinks dd no longer needs full time childcare at 14 and isn't prepared to lose income simply in order to keep her entertained every day, and the mum, who thinks she still needs a full time babysitter. I think

Oops! I think the onus is more on the mum, in this situation, because most people would probably agree that the dad's position is reasonable.

Absolutely! I'd have thought there wasn't a need to do 'their half' any more but that's separate discussion. But the conversation just then was whether the dad had done "more than half".

Poor love. I'd havethought she would enjoy the odd day to herself, but that is her parents' call, not ours or OP's.

I think if her dad and his parents are covering 3-4 days per week then that's completely fair and yabu.

My DCs are lucky if they see their dad one day a week, holidays or not, so tbh if he was offering to sort any extra days I'd bite his hand off.

I know the ideal is that both parents take their holiday to coincide with school hols, but I imagine these weeks are pretty sought after, so understandable if he can't get them.

As the GF of someone with DCs, I dont expect to be asked to provide childcare for him and his ex and wouldn't expect him to pick up the slack for my DCs either, that's between my ex and me.