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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu - holiday childcare?

167 replies

AnnField · 11/04/2015 09:56

DD is 14. Her dad and his parents have her every weekend and around half of all school holidays. Her dad has said he can't take any time off during July or August this year but will take DD every weekend as usual and speak to his parents about having her a day or two each week. I think if he can't do it his girlfriend should take leave and look after DD as DD is bored during the holidays at my house. AIBU?

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 11/04/2015 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shewept · 11/04/2015 10:57

bbcessex the OP doesn't have kids. When arranging childcare ( ie the child going to the dad parents) may not always be ideal, but there isn't much that can be done about that.

exLtEveDallasNoBollocks · 11/04/2015 10:57

Except BBCEssex, you've got your facts slightly wrong there haven't you.

The child's father is having her every weekend, NOT "can't have her at all"
The GP will have her a couple of days every week.

OP doesn't have children.

Nowhere does OP say child's mother works 8-6

You sound a little bitter yourself honey.

Maybe83 · 11/04/2015 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shewept · 11/04/2015 10:59

maybe the mother doesn't work during the week. The child is going to be with her mum when the mum is not at work. The other days she will be with her father or his parents. He IS providing childcare for half the week.

Spotifymuse · 11/04/2015 11:02

Ahh so you're ok to make sarcastic digs about 'only' being the live in girlfriend but aren't keen to actually do any of the hard graft of caring for this child. Yet another example of somebody who is very keen to have their status as 'step mother' recognised but isn't so keen on doing any of the actual mothering and instead adopts the pick n mix approach to family life.
Some vinegar to go with your chip OP ?

Original poster

AnnField · 11/04/2015 11:04

Loving the personal attacks. I like DSD. I spend every single weekend and bank holiday with her. I didn't want anyone to call the ex a bitch - I might not agree with all of her parenting choices but she's DSD's mum and so the limited contact I have with her is all very civil and nice.

I just don't see why anyone should have to take leave - DSD will be with us each weekend and we try do something 'fun' when we have her. She'll be with her grandparents at least 1 day a week where she is spoiled rotten and her mum will have a couple of days off a week where she will be able to do something fun with her DD. The rest of the time can be down time, time with friends etc.

OP posts:

Kampeki · 11/04/2015 11:05

spotify, the "child" in question is 14 and the OP and her DP or his parents will be providing childcare for half the week. WTF should she take time off work because a 14yo is incapable of entertaining herself for a couple of days and because her mum doesn't want to do it either?!

Spotifymuse · 11/04/2015 11:09

Because 'taking leave' to care for children during school holidays is just something that parents have to do OP. I f you're planning to have kids of your own you'll look back on this and cringe.

Kampeki · 11/04/2015 11:12

But taking leave to entertain 14yo kids who could otherwise look after themselves isn't what all parents do. And besides, if it is what parents do, why doesn't the child's own mother do it? Her Dad's family are already covering half the week!

needaholidaynow · 11/04/2015 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 11/04/2015 11:15

Oh, so this thread is a lie then OP?

bbcessex · 11/04/2015 11:15

Weekends aren't half the holidays covered.. it's the Mon - Fri weekdays that drag when your children are off school, and from what you've said you / DP aren't doing any of those.

Your DP needs to step up - are you not taking a holiday? Taking DSD away for a holiday / few days?

Being self employed is pretty irrelevant to be honest, unless on the bread line. All working parents face these kind of situations.

And I wouldn't leave a 14 year old completely to their own devices for days on end. Absolutely they could meet up with friends and do their own thing, but not every child is like this / has this kind of social circle, so I do think it would be nice for you to offer to have her at yours, and your DH or you accommodate in some way.

bbcessex · 11/04/2015 11:17

exLTEve.. I probably do sound a little on my soap box! Not because I have any personal experience of step families, but because I do feel for the child... imagine having your dad's girlfriend put a post on an internet forum to ridicule the mum, when pretty much all the mum is saying is "my daughter has a good time at yours, can you help?"

Maybe83 · 11/04/2015 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spotifymuse · 11/04/2015 11:18

Do you work full time during the week OP?

AuntieStella · 11/04/2015 11:23

Why would she cringe?

She's having her (with DP) 2 days a week, she's with GPs 2 days a week and (as things stand) with her mother 3 days a week. Not such a bad split.

Original poster

AnnField · 11/04/2015 11:31

DP genuinely can't afford to take time off at this time. We will be taking DSD away in October as we can't afford it in August.

We all work full time, but DSD's mum has days off during the week and we don't - that is why we have DSD every weekend. We can't put any concrete arrangements for weekdays in place as DSD's mum's shifts do vary but MiL is happy to be flexible and DP's sister also helps out.

DSD's mum also has a partner, two parents and a brother. Not everyone works so in theory there is always someone around. I'm certainly not advocating DSD being left alone from 8-6 each day!

I just really don't get why me taking leave has even been suggested.

OP posts:

Kampeki · 11/04/2015 11:34

Weekends aren't half the holidays covered.. it's the Mon - Fri weekdays that drag when your children are off school, and from what you've said you / DP aren't doing any of those.

The OP and her DP have the child every weekend, and her DP's parents have offered to have her for one or two days each week. So her dad's family is covering half of the week already.

Does her mum have no responsibility here? Why should the other half of the week fall on Dad's girlfriend and not the child's own mum?

Zadkiel · 11/04/2015 11:41

Well my reading of the situation is this:

There's a 14 year old who needs age - appropriate supervision during the 6 week summer holiday.

That is the responsibility of her Mum and her Dad to cover.

Dad works full-time Mon to Fri.
Mum works 3 days Mon to Fri on a shift pattern.

Mum has asked Dad how much of his share of the responsibility he can do.

He has said he won't do any of it.

He is the unreasonable one.

Strictly1 · 11/04/2015 11:47

Zadkiel that is a poor and inaccurate summary. Mum works all weekend and dad takes charge. He is then organizing a further two, flexible days of cover. But he's not doing anything according to some! What rot!

meditrina · 11/04/2015 11:48

"He has said he won't do any of it."

No, I don't think that's quite right. He's having her at weekends (as he doees year round) and is arranging care for 2 days a week (GPs, flexible, to mother's shift pattern).

Perhaps he could find/fund a sports camp or similar to cover some more days?

Zadkiel · 11/04/2015 11:49

Oh hang on, my reading of it may be wrong. I've got so bloody confused with this thread being a reverse. It's mum's parents having the dd or is it dad's parents?

If it's Dad's parents doing the weekday stuff, and they are doing 2 days then he (through them) is doing his share.

I thought he was only going to do weekends.

Beth2511 · 11/04/2015 11:50

He is doing it though, hes arranged it for 4 days out of 7.

Zadkiel · 11/04/2015 11:51

Yes your probably right strictly!

I'm too confused about the facts to comment sensibly so I will shut up.

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