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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mil being unreasonable re car damage by random child

143 replies

londonrach · 11/04/2015 07:45

My pil have bought themselves a new car. A skoda. Its their pride and joy. It gets washed weekly. My fil is in her 70s but due to limited money cant afford to buy the car outright so he got a job (which he enjoys) to pay for this car and holidays. Pension for day to day living.

We stopped at pub on way back from something (as i needed toilet) and they stayed in car in the car park whilst i popped into the toilet. On returning to the car i found my mil in floods of tears and everyone upset. Whilst i was away a young lad had cycled his bike into the car side and left a huge dent (handbars) in the side. He was cycling beside his parents. From what i understand my mil and fil jumped out of stationary car and spoke to parents and child re damage. I think my mil was in tears and very upset. The mother of this child became very aggressive as did the father. Anyway when i returned mil was in tears, fil was shaking and dh had manages to stop them driving off without me. Pil have now got to find £200 plus to get the dent removed. Parents of child refused to do anything and from what dh said it became a very aggressive situation. I told my dm about this and she just said its a just car so what and my mil was making a big fuss about nothing. My mil is very ill at the moment so our day out was meant to cheer her up.

OP posts:
straighttothepoint · 11/04/2015 07:48

I would be very pissed off too if I were the mil. Some idiot has damaged the car so of course she will be cross/upset. It's clearly their pride and joy. I would have got the parents details to pay for the damage.

Penfold007 · 11/04/2015 07:51

I understand your pils distress but that's what insurance is for. They could try and claim from the parents via the small claims court but that may not work.

CrystalCove · 11/04/2015 07:51

Of course I would be upset! Why should you work hard for something to have it damaged by someone else?? The parents of the boy are responsible.

FishWithABicycle · 11/04/2015 07:54

What penfold007 said. Obviously distressing, but it's a car. It's insured. No one died.

gamerwidow · 11/04/2015 07:54

Of course it's ok for your mil to be upset especially in the immediate aftermath of the accident. Yes it is just a car and in the long run it'll be ok but it's still a disappointment to have something you've had to work hard for damaged.

43percentburnt · 11/04/2015 07:55

Do they have legal protection on their car insurance? Can they call and ask advice. Sometimes it's on buildings insurance - but unsure if they would help with a car issue.

The child's parent may have public liability cover on their home insurance.

NerrSnerr · 11/04/2015 07:56

I understand that it's upsetting but I would use insurance. I had similar, a cyclist drove in to the back of me and I claimed.

SanityClause · 11/04/2015 08:00

If it's £200 to get the dent fixed, the insurance excess will be more than the cost of the repair.

I understand your PIL are upset, and the family should have paid for the repair.

But, equally, your PIL do need to be a bit more philosophical about it, really. I imagine they'll calm down a bit in a day or two.

Original poster
londonrach · 11/04/2015 08:06

I wish they could have got parents details but from what i hear the mother was about to knock her mil over (she uses a walking stick as cant walk) so dh removed his elderly parents from the situation. Dh said it was obvious the parents werent going to give any details and he just wanted to protect his parents. Child was in tears too from what i hear. He had also cycled his bike into another car moments before my pil. Mil was too upset to eat that night and was crying for about two hours. It was awful. I think the pain from her leg and her illness made the situation worse. Worse thing is now mil is refusing to let car out of driveway in case it happens again. Is it worth doing insurance for 'just' £200.

OP posts:
OneInEight · 11/04/2015 08:09

In somewhat similar circumstances we paid the excess. I think we got off lightly. The negotiations were carried out via the police as we had no idea who the car that was damaged belonged too.

PeachyPants · 11/04/2015 08:12

Your poor PIL, I hope once the dust settles this incident doesn't shake their confidence long term. The other family behaved disgracefully but I don't know what more you could have done, if they'd been in a car you could have got the details and reported their threatening behaviour to the police but realistically you had no way of knowing who they are and no way of making them do the decent thing and give you the details to pay for the damage. I think PIl should claim on their insurance now.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 11/04/2015 08:15

That is awful - particularly when they have worked so hard

Would you be in a position to help them financially with this(understand if not)?

Plus, I'm quite notorious for pranging the paintwork on our two cars which DH can't stand as he is very car proud. He has a chap who does all the paintwork brilliantly and much more reasonably than the main dealer. He even sorted things out perfectly when a slate fell on the roof of the car and I thought it would definitely need a new bonnet. So, it's definitely worth looking for someone like this

MidniteScribbler · 11/04/2015 08:16

You should have followed them home and got an address. Horrible parents, they should have been apologising profusely and offering to pay for the damage they caused.

Original poster
londonrach · 11/04/2015 08:18

Peachy. I hope not. Mil been in a&e three times in january once at 1am as she couldnt breath. As a result she didnt leave the house for a month afterwards as she was too weak, too much pain. So worried now that this one incident mean she may not go out again. Shes an amazing mil and i love her (not as much as my dm). She sounds so low on the phone now.

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Original poster
londonrach · 11/04/2015 08:21

Sadly if you can see from previous posts im someone that lived on £30 pw food money with pil kindly helping us with buy one get one free items. Never asked they just very kind. I dont know what to do now to get her confidence up again. Wish she was like she was 10 years ago.

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MissyMistress402 · 11/04/2015 08:22

Why exactly did your DH have to stop them driving off without you. They sound odd and need to calm themselves down. As PP's have suugested, try claiming on insurance perhaps. Bit pathetic to not let it out the driveway?

Longtalljosie · 11/04/2015 08:26

Don't forget, it'll be shock from the aggression as well. I think your mum is being a bit harsh. Your mil is genuinely upset, that should be enough...

PeachyPants · 11/04/2015 08:26

I think all you can do is be there for her and see if you can keep her going out and try to engineer some nicer experiences with other people to counter balance this horrible one. It is very unsettling when you come across people as unreasonable and aggressive as this but the worst thing that anyone can do in these circumstances is shut themselves away.

MillionToOneChances · 11/04/2015 08:28

Do not phone the insurance to talk about possibly claiming or your premiums will go up even if you choose not to claim because you've had an 'incident' - get private quotes for fixing the debt then your PIL can decide. The cost of the excess plus rising premiums may make claiming on insurance the wrong choice.

Oxfordblue · 11/04/2015 08:28

No your MIL is NBU - far from it !

What a shame for her & Fil.

Ideally someone should have called the police on the sly, taken a photo of them &/ followed them home (difficult I imagine as they could go off road).

In these circumstances they're going to have to put it down to experience I'm afraid.

Years ago some vile person out a key down my DH's car, a 2 seater Mercedes sports car. His parents help paid for the repair & although not forgotten in my mind, it's faded from his.

People are rotten & not everyone behaves the way they should.

BrewThanks to Mil.

Cornettoninja · 11/04/2015 08:32

I suspect it's a mixture of two things.

Obviously the upset of a brand new car getting damaged, but also if the parents were really hostile and confrontational that can be really upsetting in itself if your pil are really not the argumentative type.

Those two things together sound as if they have really shaken them up. I don't think there's any harm in giving them a bit of comfort and understanding. It's likely really not all about the car and more about being essentially bullied and verbally attacked through no fault of their own.

Help sort out the practicalities as much as you can but also a bit of extra kindness would go far.

The older and more vulnerable people get the more this kind of incident can really shake someone up.

19lottie82 · 11/04/2015 08:33

There is NO point claiming on the insurance. Default excess is £250 and premiums will jump up if they make a claim.

If the child and parents left the scene and they didn't get any contact details then there's nothing that can be done now.

Unfortunately with cars, these things happen.

I think your priority should be calming your MIL down and making her see the bigger picture, it's not a big deal in the grand scale of things.
Could you persuade her to see the doctor? Getting so upset about something like this isn't normal or healthy.

LittleBairn · 11/04/2015 08:33

Who cares what your mother thinks, do you often tattle tale on your mil?
YABU as you said its her pride and joy and she's ill at the moment a bit of compassion wouldn't go amiss.

Original poster
londonrach · 11/04/2015 08:46

I spent 2 hours hugging my mil following the incident, saying was just a car and everyone ok etc, we had good day and have texted her twice a day since asking what she was going and sending her happy text re a funny incident to make her smile. Got one text back saying slept all day. My dm and mil know each other well so told dm as thought she might be able to give me advice on what to do. My dm is normally very good on advice. Dh and i live over 1 hour away from pil and this trip was meant to cheer her up. I really dont know what to do. Dh last night was on the phone chatting to her dm (didnt mention the car) and usually she ended the call after 5 minutes as too tried.

OP posts:
Original poster
londonrach · 11/04/2015 08:46

Unusually not usually...

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