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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mil being unreasonable re car damage by random child

143 replies

londonrach · 11/04/2015 07:45

My pil have bought themselves a new car. A skoda. Its their pride and joy. It gets washed weekly. My fil is in her 70s but due to limited money cant afford to buy the car outright so he got a job (which he enjoys) to pay for this car and holidays. Pension for day to day living.

We stopped at pub on way back from something (as i needed toilet) and they stayed in car in the car park whilst i popped into the toilet. On returning to the car i found my mil in floods of tears and everyone upset. Whilst i was away a young lad had cycled his bike into the car side and left a huge dent (handbars) in the side. He was cycling beside his parents. From what i understand my mil and fil jumped out of stationary car and spoke to parents and child re damage. I think my mil was in tears and very upset. The mother of this child became very aggressive as did the father. Anyway when i returned mil was in tears, fil was shaking and dh had manages to stop them driving off without me. Pil have now got to find £200 plus to get the dent removed. Parents of child refused to do anything and from what dh said it became a very aggressive situation. I told my dm about this and she just said its a just car so what and my mil was making a big fuss about nothing. My mil is very ill at the moment so our day out was meant to cheer her up.

OP posts:
PtolemysNeedle · 11/04/2015 08:49

Your mil INBU.

It's probably not just the fact that the car is damaged that's upsetting her, but also that some people are irresponsible and nasty. It's completely reasonable to be upset after having to deal with scummy selfish people who have damaged one of the most expensive things you own.

This is why cyclists should have to be identifiable and have insurance.

laughingcow13 · 11/04/2015 08:51

did the woman threaten to push your mil over or have I got that wro g? if she did I would definitely go to the police.

fulltothebrim · 11/04/2015 08:53

I spent 2 hours hugging my mil following the incident,

Not a nice thing to happen- but really? In the grand scheme of things?

ScrambedEggAndToast · 11/04/2015 09:00

I can totally understand their distress. It was obviously compounded by the disgraceful reaction of the parents of this boy. However, I think it will be an insurance job because they obviously aren't going to pay and most people's excess is £50-100 at a minimum (if not more).

bruffin · 11/04/2015 09:00

my dd did scratched a car and it came out of our buildings insurance under the liability . There was also no excess, but the car owner had to claim under their insurance for the insurance companies to talk to each other.
However the parents have to be proved negligent, in our case dd was ahead of me so not under my control, her brother was further ahead. She had stopped to let the car owners past and wobbled when she went to start off again and fell againat the car.

QTPie · 11/04/2015 09:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

keepsmiling2015 · 11/04/2015 09:14

While I have a positive attitude and if we're me personally I'd be pissed off but it wouldn't get me down or I certainly wouldn't cry.

However, I can understand your pils being upset. She probably got a fright originally when the kid hit the car, probably over reacted and got into an argument with the seemingly aggressive parents. If she wasn't well already (you were taking her out to cheer her up) I can understand how the whole thing could be very upsetting for them, especially as they're in their 70's. I suspect your dm, and you would have a different outlook of that had happened to either of you.

Aridane · 11/04/2015 09:49

Of course they were upset - they would be unreasonable not to be!

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 11/04/2015 09:51

I would be very upset and angry if someone damaged my car and refused to pay for a repair. It doesn't mattter whether they would be happy with a dented car and think I'm being unreasonable - it isn't their car they damaged. Having said that, I'm driving a car with a football-shaped dent in the bonnet because I can't afford to mend it and I don't know who did it.

If money is tight, could all your wider family chip in a little each? As PP have suggested, look for an independent body shop and explain it isn't an insurance job, they might be flexible on the price given the circumstances.

There are a few threads on here this morningsuggesting that MN is a hostile place for suggesting that parents should control their children more carefully in public spaces. This situation is a good example of the downside of 'letting kids be kids.'

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 11/04/2015 09:53

In fact, thinking a bit more, I asked some kids not to play football next to my motorbike - they don't take well to being knocked over - and the dad came and gave me a rant about how his fucking kids could play fucking football where th fuck they liked and no-one gave a shit about my fucking motorbike. Which left me in tears too, so I'm not surprised your MIL is badly affcted by the whole thing.

Hakluyt · 11/04/2015 09:56

She's ill, in pain, got a fright, something precious to her has been damaged and a stranger threatened her. Of course she'll be upset.

I would just keep up the friendly, cheerful contact- and maybe in a week or two your Dh could pop over and offer to take them both out in the car?

bananayellow · 11/04/2015 09:57

It's a pity the police weren't called. At least with another car involved you have the reg plate. Here, even if they did give details, they could have been false.

I don't blame them for being upset, because of the damage and the aggression. It does seem a bit of an over reaction though, which is a bit worrying.

Cheby · 11/04/2015 09:57

Your MIL is NBU to be a upset, and if it was my child I would offer to pay (those patents sound horrible), however your MIL is massively overreacting. It's a car, this sort of thing happens all the time. It could easily get dented or scratched by a loose stone flying up from the road if the bike incident hadnt happened.

She is only making herself miserable with the attitude of wallowing for days over a relatively minor incident. Chalk it up to experience and move on, worse things happen at sea and all that.

Hakluyt · 11/04/2015 09:58

To try to build up their confidence again, I mean- that wasn't very clear!

Salmotrutta · 11/04/2015 10:03

I'm guessing that your MIL is feeling vulnerable just now because she is ill and this is why she is very upset, especially since the parents were aggressive to them.

What a shame Sad

People are more easily upset when they are ill and your mother should understand that.

Those parents sound awful - so brave to be aggressive to an elderly couple Hmm

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/04/2015 10:06

Being in an accident of any kind is a shock.
Being aggressively attacked is also a shock.
Being frightened because of said attack can leave people feeling traumatised.

This isn't about the car - it's about 2 elderly vulnerable people who have just realised exactly how vulnerable they are and are trying to come to terms with it but having extreme difficulty because various people are misunderstanding their actual problem and saying "it's only a car" - no it isn't. It's really not the car. Even if they think it is, that's because it's easier for them to think it is the car.

As an aside, I would imagine the door would cost more than £200 to repair - it's more likely to need a whole new door skin, depending on how bad the dent is.

The parents in this scenario were atrociously rude and appalling - allowing their child to commit damage on other people's property without check is ridiculous!

What do you do - keep doing what you're doing, allow them to do whatever they feel the need to in respect of the car, but ideally you need to treat them as victims of shock.

wootle · 11/04/2015 10:08

If the dent will only cost £200 to repair, it must be pretty small.

What about the boy? Was he hurt? My DS was riding a bike when quite young, fell off (as he did so his bike bumped into a car, and allegedly damaged it) and had some nasty cuts and scratches. The car owner came to my house while I was trying to clean my sobbing child's grazed knees and rather than asking about my visibly hurt child, set about moaning over how her car was damaged, how I had to pay her immediately etc. I told her I didn't care for her rude attitude, she should claim from her insurance because that's what it was for, and I wouldn't be paying a penny. And then I escorted her from my home.

I don't know how old this child was, or how hurt he was, but if my child was young/ injured and I was faced with people flapping over a minor dent when i was dealing with an upset child, i wouldn't be too conciliatory either. I wouldn't threaten violence but also i wouldn't expect to pay. Accidents happen.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/04/2015 10:09

Yes but apparently this was the second car he'd damaged in a similar way in very short space of time, wootle.

Hakluyt · 11/04/2015 10:14

"however your MIL is massively overreacting"

No she isn't- for all the reasons stated.

Hakluyt · 11/04/2015 10:17

So who would you expect to pay, wootle?

TheFairyCaravan · 11/04/2015 10:21

Your MIL is not BU.

As soon as the parents of the boy started getting agrsessive I'd have phoned the police.

I can't stand this attitude of "it's only a car" "that's what insurance is for". Yes, it is a car but some people take a lot of pride in theirs and like to keep them nice and well looked after. If someone else damages it then they should pay for it. Wootle would have got a bill from me.

bananayellow · 11/04/2015 10:24

It's likely they would have a big excess to pay wootle . Whether an accident or not, your child caused damage. Fair enough to say that you will deal with it after you'd dealt with your child, but what you said was rude and out of order.

wootle · 11/04/2015 10:25

If excess less than £200, claim.off insurance. If not, they pay it themselves or drive a car with a minor dent.

I don't think parents should pay for a child's damage unless it was malicious or deliberate. When one of the windows of our new car was smashed by local kids playing football I wasn't too happy, but it never occurred to me to ask their parents to pay.

Feellikescrooge · 11/04/2015 10:25

So sorry for your MIL. The car probably represented so much security to her, such as a reliable way to get to hospital, it must have really knocked her, regardless of the obnoxious parents.

Sadly, as this thread has shown, some people have had an empathy bypass.

Littlemonstersrule · 11/04/2015 10:27

I'd have called the police for the aggression and also expected the parents to pay for the damage their child caused. Insurance is a last resort, if somebody else damages property they should pay.

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