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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my MIL should help out?

241 replies

Up2nogood · 09/04/2015 21:38

AIBU to think my MIL is taking the micky and needs to pull her weight a bit??

My MIL has started to help out with daytime childcare one day a month, when I do an extra day at work. She comes with her mother and stays 2 nights as they live an hour away. Let me say, before we go on, I'm very grateful for this. And I'm particularly glad and she only saw our children every 2-3 months, usually when we visited for someone's birthday.

They come the afternoon before, and of course I make sure we have a home cooked meal for everyone. Sometimes this is my day off sometimes it's a working day. If I've not made dinner, we've treated everyone to dinner out. On the day she has the children I always put something in the slow cooker like homemade soup, so everyone has a good lunch, and there is always a hearty dinner once we get home- fish pie, salmon and potatoes, cottage pie, curry...! I make it all from scratch the night before so all she needs to do is switch a button or put it in the oven.

I do this gladly. The thing that's grating on me, is this. On neither nights does she clear up dinner, wash up, empty the dishwasher, fill the dishwasher, sweep the dinner off the floor, or indeed clear up the any of the carnage of toys she's let the kids leave around the house all day. Usually when nearly everything is done and she's wants a brew she'll come into the kitchen and half heartedly offer 'do you want me to do anything'? But she really could just say, you know what, it's nearly 10pm, you've not stopped since getting home. Let me put those dishes away love. But, No!!! Today, there were some pots still dirty from the soup AND cottage pie I'd prepared last night as the dishwasher was full. Low and behold when I got home they were still there dirty as there was 'no hot water'.... Errr kettle, boil some???

I mean my mum is no mother hen. She doesn't pander around me, do my washing or anything like that. But, if I make her dinner, she helps clear up. In the past-pre kids- I'd have been happy to do it all, but when you're trying to bath and bed 2 toddlers, a bit of help wouldn't up a miss!!!

I mean, when I first asked her to put dinner in the oven and turn on the potatoes and veg before we cane home (I had literally peeled, chopped and left them in pans of water) she commented 'my this is more than I do at home'!! Oh, sorry to put you out there!!!

So am I justified in feeling pee'd off or AIBU and need to suck it up?

OP posts:
HighwayDragon · 10/04/2015 15:14

Why isn't your husband cleaning up?

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 10/04/2015 15:16

Right bets on. Are you a writer? Journalist? Is it a reverse? 'fess up.

Floisme · 10/04/2015 15:19

I would be very pissed off indeed. With my husband.

Hissy · 10/04/2015 15:20

DH needs to do more to help - why don't you BOTH do a big batch cook now and then

you think he even KNOWS how to cook, if his own mother doesn't and his DW is a From Scratch Martyr?

Another reason why my DS will be taught to fend for himself properly so he can step up and do his bit when his time comes.

Applecross · 10/04/2015 15:20

I think people are being a bit hard because it's a bit trivial - I'd clear up in your MIL's shoes but it does seem petty, do the kids have a nice time? I've also had a paid for nanny who couldn't put nappy bags in the bin and that ticked me off but she was lovely with my dc so I overlooked it, some people just don't see mess, especially if someone else usually clears up

Sallystyle · 10/04/2015 15:24

I have my adult sister here at the moment. I provide three meals a day, do her washing and well, everything.

DH makes her dinner and goes out to do a few jobs. I go upstairs to revise for an exam for an hour and the kids are downstairs (old enough to not need supervising for a while). Go back downstairs and she has left her plate and cup on the table to be washed up by me. It is the height of rudeness not to clean up after yourself and it makes no difference if you are looking after someone's children or not. It is pure laziness and reeks of not respecting the person whose house you are in.

I can't imagine my mum babysitting and then leaving her dirty plates around for me to clean up when I get back. But she tends to like helping me when I can and doesn't hold the opinion that just because she is helping me out that it entitles her to leave her own mess and leave the kids toys out to get lost. Especially if I am providing her with meals.

OP at least half of the people who think YABU can't even read your posts properly so take them with a grain of salt.

ROARmeow · 10/04/2015 15:28

Do the kids enjoy their time with MIL and GMIL? If they are thriving and flourishing with their attention then maybe you should let these small annoyances slide.

But if the kids aren't getting good quality care all round, then think about changing it.

Your OP rubs me up the wrong way because of my own issues with my MIL giving me a negative bias, but I tried to read your OP and updates from an objective viewpoint.

DieselSpillages · 10/04/2015 15:29

YANBU. I would always offer to help tidy up a meal someone cooked for me. So they stay the night, presumably needing clean bedding, have homecooked meals etc. You have a young child, are pregnant and working They are in the house all day and don't even clean up the lunch they ate whilst you were out ! Is it worth the effort. Wouldn't a childminder be less hassle ?

Hullygully · 10/04/2015 15:31

Normal human beings WANT to help so your MIL is not normal. I couldn't sit down while someone else was doing stuff. I'd help so it was done more quickly and both parties could sit down. That's what normal people do. Gender, family relationships etc are irrelevant.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 10/04/2015 15:54

I don't think you're being unreasonable and I do think your 57yr old MIL is.
I'm not going to even involve the Grand MIL in this as I don't see why she needs to stay for 2 nights or why either of them need to stay for that lenght of time.

I also think that as it is your MIL, your DH needs to say something like "Mum, would you mind putting your used dishes in the dishwasher please, rather than leaving them where the kids can knock them over (or whatever reason you want to give)?"

I'd also stop providing elaborate meals for them. Do a shop before they arrive, get fresh crusty bread rolls, sliced meats, salads and crackers and cheese (so long as none of these cause any dietary reactions/allergies) and say to her that there is bread and crackers in the cupboard, butter and cheese and cold meats in the fridge if they are hungry and you've got dinner in the slow cooker for later.

She is clearly able to cook for herself and she is able to clean up after herself in her own home so I'd start asking her "X, you wouldn't mind grabbing that sweeping brush and giving the floor around the table a quick once-over would you. It would help so much, thanks!" and see what she says. That and your DH noticing when she doesn't clean up should get her more in tune with how your house works.

Darthsloth · 10/04/2015 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TenerifeSea · 10/04/2015 18:18

"seething mass of yabvvvvu nutters"

Some of us were disagreeing without resorting to name calling. You might like to try that yourself. :)

Slowtrain2dawn · 10/04/2015 18:30

Has OP ever answered about her DH?
Love the way batch cooking could be the answer though. True MN.
And pretty funny that I am a frothing hand wringing seething nutter for saying YABU. Grin

Mintyy · 10/04/2015 19:27

Yes, and some were disagreeing in a totally over the top and disagreeable fashion. An awful lot of ffses and sheeshs flying around. They are the yabvvvvvu nutters.

pixiegumboot · 10/04/2015 19:29

Christ on a bike, its posts like this that make me hope and pray my sons don't marry or cohabit with entitled partners! That's me being polite. Seriously if I was your mil and found out you thought of me like that you'd very quickly be sticking my offer of childcare up your arse.

WhinersAreWeners · 10/04/2015 19:35

I can't believe the bashing op has had. I agree, no way I would be watching someone else do all the cleaning up if they'd cooked.

At the very least I would expect them to tidy the kids toys that they'd been using...I don't think that's entitled at all, just good manners!

Sallystyle · 10/04/2015 19:41

Only on MN is it entitled to expect your MIL to clean up their own dishes and pick up toys the children used in your care.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 10/04/2015 20:00

You could post a thread asking which charity to donate to and the frothers would come out. Its another day at the office in aibu. How hard is it to say sorry op, I disagree but good luck with life etc. Hmmm?

Are you sure you're not the mil op

soverylucky · 10/04/2015 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tiredstressed · 11/04/2015 08:08

Once a month not once a week...

bananayellow · 11/04/2015 08:21

I don't think it is mil bashing. I would be of the same opinion whoever it is.

Who sits on their arses and watches someone else work all night, after them being at work all day, even if you yourself are tired too? And that's even before you add in the pregnancy aspect. It's basic manners.

Dutch1e · 11/04/2015 12:36

At first glance it's easy to say "entitled! greedy!" but I really don't think that's the case here. There's no real reliance on free childcare, just the burden of hosting two adults for two (!) nights, with all that goes with it. And facing an entire day's worth of child-related cleanup on top of it.

In your shoes OP I would stop this arrangement and let DH take the children to see his mum/GM once a month on his day off. It's only an hour each way and might give you a chance to catch up on some rest.

laughingcow13 · 11/04/2015 12:49

On neither nights does she clear up dinner, wash up, empty the dishwasher, fill the dishwasher, sweep the dinner off the floor

so if she wasn't there who would be clearing up after dinner?

soverylucky · 11/04/2015 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dutch1e · 11/04/2015 12:55

laughingcow13 OP would be clearing up, you're right. But she wouldn't be clearing up after 2 extra adults and she would have either been clearing up after the kids as she goes along in the day, or taking over from her mum who tidies, or picking up the kids from a childminder so no mess at home. As it is she's stuck with a full day worth of cleanup plus 2 house guests. It's not workable by the sound of things