To think my MIL should help out?

[Up2nogood]

AIBU to think my MIL is taking the micky and needs to pull her weight a bit??

My MIL has started to help out with daytime childcare one day a month, when I do an extra day at work. She comes with her mother and stays 2 nights as they live an hour away. Let me say, before we go on, I'm very grateful for this. And I'm particularly glad and she only saw our children every 2-3 months, usually when we visited for someone's birthday.

They come the afternoon before, and of course I make sure we have a home cooked meal for everyone. Sometimes this is my day off sometimes it's a working day. If I've not made dinner, we've treated everyone to dinner out. On the day she has the children I always put something in the slow cooker like homemade soup, so everyone has a good lunch, and there is always a hearty dinner once we get home- fish pie, salmon and potatoes, cottage pie, curry...! I make it all from scratch the night before so all she needs to do is switch a button or put it in the oven.

I do this gladly. The thing that's grating on me, is this. On neither nights does she clear up dinner, wash up, empty the dishwasher, fill the dishwasher, sweep the dinner off the floor, or indeed clear up the any of the carnage of toys she's let the kids leave around the house all day. Usually when nearly everything is done and she's wants a brew she'll come into the kitchen and half heartedly offer 'do you want me to do anything'? But she really could just say, you know what, it's nearly 10pm, you've not stopped since getting home. Let me put those dishes away love. But, No!!! Today, there were some pots still dirty from the soup AND cottage pie I'd prepared last night as the dishwasher was full. Low and behold when I got home they were still there dirty as there was 'no hot water'.... Errr kettle, boil some???

I mean my mum is no mother hen. She doesn't pander around me, do my washing or anything like that. But, if I make her dinner, she helps clear up. In the past-pre kids- I'd have been happy to do it all, but when you're trying to bath and bed 2 toddlers, a bit of help wouldn't up a miss!!!

I mean, when I first asked her to put dinner in the oven and turn on the potatoes and veg before we cane home (I had literally peeled, chopped and left them in pans of water) she commented 'my this is more than I do at home'!! Oh, sorry to put you out there!!!

So am I justified in feeling pee'd off or AIBU and need to suck it up?

MIL doesn't do food prep at home. That was he comment. Her husband does

Well at least her husband pulls his weight even if her son doesn't

I'm sorry but you DO sound angry and put out. As I said, that's understandable but not your MiL's fault: it seems to me that she is much more of a solution than a problem, but clearly you disagree, and it's this angry vibe to which I think people are reacting.

As maryMillington said, give yourself a break; your MiL is doing a lot towards that.

Once a month guys - not once a week.

She should clean up after herself. That's pretty basic politeness.

I'd your dd won't eat sandwiches and things like pizza, then i'd try to expand her repertoire a bit to make life easier for yourself. What if the new baby is fussy too? You shouldn't be cooking lunch and dinner from scratch everyday. It's too much.

Wow, you're either the most entitled person ever on MN, or you're on a wind-up.

To be clear, YABVU.

you sound pretty spoilt op, your mum has your kids once a week and now your MIL helps too, and she has a long journey there and back and her own mother to bring and look after too

and stop with the cooking from scratch shit and the dd doesn't do pizza or sandwiches at 18 months, that's a load of nonsense, what's she going to do when she starts going to parties, throw a strop that the parent hasn't provided a home cooked meal from scratch?

sheesh

It would appear that your mother in law and her mother are primarily motivated by coming for an outing to see your DC - and you are providing them with hotel service.

I would NOT be happy in your position.

I get fed up with people's inability to read threads properly on Mumsnet, really I do.

just get a a ready oven meal for them and appreciate the FREE childcare.
ffs.

Having read your update I think yanbu. My far from fit 73 year old mil couldn't provide childcare but does clear up. My house is notably tidier when she's here. So if gmil is fit I don't think it's unreasonable for toys to be put away etc.

The hot water thing though... Without hot water how do you wash your hands after going to the toilet?

Look OP - I'm sure your MIL is really really happy to see her grandchildren. But there is a huge difference between seeing your grandchildren, and actually taking care of your grandchildren on a regular weekly basis

It's once a month, goodnessgraciousgouda. I must say, I do rather see Mintyy's point.

FFS, OP forgot to turn the hot water on once. I don't get why MIL didn't phone OP or her husband and find out how to turn it on for herself.

I'm on the fence to be honest. I do think that if you have guests it's expected that you provide food and hospitality and they shouldn't be expected to clear up (offers to help should always be refused). However, regular visits, like in this case, mean that you become part of the household, and everyone in the household should pull their weight, eg by washing up after dinner if someone else prepared it. On the other hand (told you that I was on the fence) she is contributing to the household by doing childcare. I'm coming down on it would be polite of her to offer and polite of you to refuse.

Why aren't the children expected to at least pick up their own toys? My 2 year old can (with help) put his own toys away.

"So if gmil is fit I don't think it's unreasonable for toys to be put away etc."

You expect, after her daughter has provided FREE childcare for the perfectly capable OP and her equally capable husband, that a 73 year old woman should get on her hands and knees and pick up the child's toys?

Wow.

I never really heard much use of the word "entitled" until I came across Mumsnet. Rarely has it been more needed than now.

I would feel horribly ashamed if I found my own 70 year old mother picking up after me and my family. My children would too.

Isn't there give and take in most families?

I do things for my parents. They help me. We don't go round helping but actually creating more mess and problems. That's not helping.

It's not entitled to expect them to clear up after a meal that the op has prepared. Presumably mil can say no to the whole childcare thing. If you are going to agree to help, then bloody help.

And they are 56 and 72. Hardly ancient nowadays. And it's once a month.

Sorry 57 and 78. But still not ancient and the op isn't exactly saying she expects the 78 year old to be on her hands and knees.

I find it interesting that Op's DM, who is actually the one doing the weekly childcare, is evidently able to tidy up after herself and the children.

Yet the MIL, who comes just once a month, is incapable of doing this. Not even washing up her teacups.

I think MIL really sees herself as a guest and therefore to be waited on. Whether you think her visits are worth the hassle is for you to say. I don't think she'll change, though.

Another thread where people jump on the poster. Have you heard of condoms? what a fucking horrible post.

Some people also need to read the OP, not read what they want the thread to say.

OP I can't think of one family member of mine who wouldn't at least clean their own dishes after eating a meal cooked for them when they were doing child care.

I would also never dream of looking after someone else's children and leaving toys around and small bits to get lost. That is just being polite.

OP is not asking her to clean the house from top to bottom. Just put the dishes in the dishwasher and pick up the toys.

They are looking after the kids which is great, they get a nice meal cooked for them so they don't have to do any meal preparation and they can't be bothered to put the dishes in the dishwasher after? that is lazy.

YANBU.

Oh and 57 is not bloody old. Perfectly capable of loading a dishwasher I would have thought.

My 16 month old doesn't eat pizza or sandwiches either, but she only has 3 teeth and finds pizza difficult to eat, and sandwiches she doesn't seem to like (or any bread) - not for want of trying i assure you! Much easier to have pasta or thick soup.

So lets not be thinking that they are being precious or whatever. I am SAHM and every lunch time I have to think of stuff to do where with DD1 i would have just done soft cheese sandwich!

For OP, don't get too disheartened. It's a lot easier to type mean things than it would be to say them in real life, the boards can get quite savage. I think talking to you properly a lot more people would be sympathetic! That said, if it is a pain in the bum and getting you down you need to think about whether this is the best arrangement. I would say maybe do a monthly visit (or make hubby do it!) so she sees the grandchildren and see if you can afford childcare for that day instead. This will only get more tiring for all concerned as time goes on. And it is tough to get DH to do much if they are knackered from work, so I would do a lot more to make it easier on yourself! My slow cooker was a godsend, have 2 now so conceivably could do a soupy lunch and a full tea in them. I love them because then you only have to leave room in dishwasher to stick that pot in and you're done!

I'm lucky as my MiL and DM both tidy while staying over, MiL is amazing and orders ocado delivery of stuff she is going to cook and the house looks measurably better after either have stayed! However they don't live near us, so this isn't a weekly occurrence.

YANBU.

Tidying up after yourself is just polite. I agree you have too much on your plate but your MIL sounds lazy. Big deal she comes over once a month from an hour away.

I agree with Bonsoir, you are providing a hotel service and are feeling the stress and strain of that. You may have to dig yourself out of the hole you have got yourself into. It's tricky.

My MIL has never done so much as a single hour's 'babysitting' in 10 years.
If she visited she would not so much as carry a cup of tea across the room.
She came to 'help' with my toddler after my 2nd child arrived by Csec.
She brought her sister (who is LOVELY) to do the 'work' and didn't lift a single finger.
She also took my bed (we had one double at that time and she 'needed' it) so H and I slept on floor....

I know this is just a whinge for me, sorry, but clearing up after your MIL sounds fair enough for the free childcare.

I suggested the money saved could be spent on ready meals. The OP does say she could pay for nursery so I ( maybe wrongly) assumed the reason for gp's doing a day of childcare is for convenience not financial reasons. But I do take your point Badpoet. I don't resent people who have gp's to do childcare. I am one of those people. But whenever I have had a moan about the way they do things my friends have been very quick to remind me how lucky I am. So I have had to wind my neck in quick!

You say she offers to help out. Presumably you say no. Why? If you want more help use the opportunity of her offering to help by giving her a job.

iHAVE you slept on the floor after a csection?

Wow!

I also find it sad that just because people don't get help themselves, they find it hard to empathise when others have a wee moan.
Just because their situation is better than yours, it doesn't mean to say their situation is how it should be either.

A decent person, even if they are tired themselves, wouldn't sit back and watch a pregnant, somebody else, work relentlessly, when the job could be done much quicker with "all hands to the deck"

banana - Yes
At that time I was still interested in family harmony and put up with it, although it was very painful.
These days I have to say I'd point her to the sofa or nearest Travelodge!

I have read the thread, thank you very much. I still think the OP is being unreasonable. HTH.